Spoof Trek II: The Search For An Ending.

Spoof Trek II:
The Search For An Ending.

Foreword. Well, long overdue, a lot later then I'd initially wanted it to be up and about, but I did promise I was going to do this so here it is. The second bit of star trek related comedy writing wot I ever writ. This time Red Dwarfs posses get's to tango with crew of the USS Voyager, at least from the get go, after all, who else could possibly turn up in a cross over series this mad?

EDIT - 06/03/21 - Decided to mess about with MS paint and add a iamge to the top of the page for this and the last story. Hopefully should ahve graphics like this sorted for the next two tales in this... thing.
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K people. The inevitable is here. Prepare your self for your worse knightmare.

Spoof Trek II:
The Search For An Ending.
By David "The Dark Knight" Hopper.

Copyright 1997 David Hopper. You can copy it and put it on another site
but it must have this header on. Usual disclaimers apply. Star Trek Voyager 
is property of paroumont, X-Files are the property of Fox, Blackadder and 
Red Dwarf are the property of the BBC and Rob Grant and Doug Naylor.
Babylon 5 is the property of Warner Bros and the brilliant JMS.

Guest stars: Rowan Atkinson.
 Rowan Atkinson brother.
 Rowan Atkinson's mother and father.
 And Rowan Atkinson wife.

Part 1: Here we go again.

(Lister, Cat, Kryten, Mulder and Scully are sitting at the desk in the
officers rec room playing strip poker. Cat and Scully are winning.)

Lister: Ok man, I'm in.
Cat: Your gonna bet your boxer's?
Lister: (take off his head band) I'm in.
Scully: (holds her nose) Jeeze. Do you ever wash?
Lister: (gob smacked) Do what? You mean clean myself?
Scully: I guess not. I mean, you eat chicken vindaloos and drink larger.
Lister: And whats wrong with that?
Scully: For breakfast?
Holly: (appears on viewscreen in centre of room.) alright grovers?
Scully: It's that perve again.
Lister: Perve?
Scully: He keeps apearing in my room at night.
Lister: Hol's the ship's computer for smegs sake.
Scully: Bullshit, thers no such thing like that.
Mulder: (looks at his cards.) Fold. Actually Scully, scientists are
	developing computers like that all the time back home.
Scully: Thats just a publicity stunt.
Mulder: No it's not.
Scully: Is.
Mulder: Not.
Scully: IS!
Mulder: NOT!
Kryten: (look at cards.) This is rather unfair. I'm a mechnoid. I
	haven't as many clothes as you lot. (his naked body is fleshed 
	coloured but looks similar to his normal body armour.)
Cat: Old Cat saying. If you can't stand the heat, vacate the cooking area.
Lister: (with a small amount of pity in his voice) Are you in or out man?
Kryten: Ok, I'm in. (detaches a hand and places it on table.)
Scully: IS! (looks at Kryten) Corny cheapo special effects.
Lister: What did you expect on our budget? Are you in or what?
Scully: Yeah, I'm in. (places a pair of Mulders troussers on the desk)
Holly: I've just rembered something. Well I say I just rembered
	something, more like I rembered theres something I wanted to tell 
	you, but I've forgotten what it was.
Lister: (more interested in the cards) Was it important?
Holly: Yeah, kind of. Never mind. It'l come back to me. Carry on.
Scully: And thats suposed to be a super computer.
Holly: You spend 3 million years by yourself with nothing better to do
	then watch Batman and Robin and see what happens to you.
Mulder: How high is Holly's IQ anyway.
Lister: I dunno, Hol?
Holly: I forgot.
Scully: This is so fake.
Holly: No, I've just gone computer senile.
Scully: I don't think I'd like to really be on a spaceship run by a
	senile artificial computer. I mean, anything could happen. The 
	engine mig-
Holly: THATS IT. The little problem, (wailing klaxons and red alert
	signs start up.)
Abandon ship, all hands abandon ship. Core breach. Twenty minutes before
	warp drive implosion.
Mulder: PANIC!
Cat: (arms flaying desperatly.) What about my suits? All 46567398045 of
	em. What about them?
Lister: What warp core? We don't have a warp core. We can't even break
	the light barrier in this ship.
Holly: HUH? Oh, yeah, your right Dave.
Rimmer: (walks in wearing his red shiny sparkle suit.) What happened to
	the power? One minute I was in hard light mode, the next soft light 
	mode.
Lister: (throws a beer can at Rimmer. It passes through him.) Shut the
	smeg up.
Mulder: Ha, how can they do that then Scully?
Scully: Mirrors.
Cat: Speaking of which. (pulls out a hand held mirror.) How I'm looking?
	I'm looking good. (continues to list every single one of his good 
	features. This goes on for a while.)
Rimmer: (trys to drown out the Cat.) Well, I was in the viewing deck
	watching a rather intersting display.

(Lister, Kryten, Mulder and Scully moan. Since being stuck on this ship
Scully has started to note just how interesting Mulders voice is, when 
compared to Rimmers.)

Rimmer: When guess what happened. No go on guess.
Lister: What was it?
Holly: Oh yeah, it wasn't a core breach. It was another ship.
Rimmer: (angry) That was my secreat you goit.
Holly: I got here first, I was going to tell them.
Rimmer: Then why didn't you?
Holly: I forgot to.
Rimmer: Well you'll never guess which ship it was.
Holly: The starship Voyager.
Rimmer: You are a total, total, something. A word has yet to be invented
	to describe how totaly total you are. But you are it though, and a 
	total one at that.

(Mulder and Lister grab their clothes and Kryten makes a grab for his
body armour plates that are scattered about.)

Scully: Hey, the Cat and I won those.
Lister: Well, what do you want us to wear when we contact the Voyager?

(back on the Voyager. Janeway, Tuvok, Kim and Neelix are armed with
various types of weaponry. Several nameless and and proberly doomed ensigns 
are with them.)

Kim: Where'd it go?
Tuvok: Down there.
Neelix: Captain, may I suggest-
Janeway: Latter.
Tuvok: Tricorder indicates that the creature has changed  into a cloud
	of steam and has again escaped through the jefferies tube.
Kim: Captain, I think we should head back to the sickbay and bother the
	Doctor in the name of plot development.
Janeway: Good point. Let's go.

(cut to sickbay. The Holodoc and Kes are busy scaning Chakotay, Torres,
Paris and several nameless Ensigns.)

Holodoc: Well, As far as I can gather, the creature seems to fed on
	emotions.
Kes: (under her breath) As if we didn't figure that out before.
Holodoc: Huh?
Kes: How can that be?
Holodoc: It seems from the reports that the creature changes into
	something it knows will get an emotional reaction from the victim. 
	As soon as it sense a powerfull emotion it steals it with that 
	sticky twig like thing that comes from it's head. I believe
	some telepathy may be involved.
Kes: (to scriptwritter.) I better be getting a bigger part this time.
Scriptwriter: (desperatly think of ways to keep Kes amuzed or busy in
	this parody) You are, don't worry.
Kes: Humf, I'd better.
Holodoc: Who are you talking to?
Kes: The scriptwritter.
Holodoc: Ah, yes of course.

(Janeway and the other unkillables enter.)

Janeway: Doctor report, have you made any head way on the creature.
Holodoc: (sighs) I wish you'd came in a few minutes earlier. I had just
	explained it all to Kes.
Kes: I'll buy you a tape recorder if you like. That way you can record
	your notes and play them to people.
Tuvok: Get on with it.
Holodoc: Oh alright. (repeats everything he just said to Kes, while
	pretending to hold a cigar and keeps moving his arms in and out from 
	his body, like Data did when he was trying to learn about humour.)
Kim: Save the party trick humour willya?
Holodoc: Did the creature attack him?
Neelix: Yes.
Holodoc: Did you try to help him?
Tuvok: Help Harr- er Ensign Kim? Are you serious?
Holodoc: Always, but I'm just curious. (scans Kim.) He's missing his
	ability to iritating people, also his sense of humour has gone 
	walkabout.
Janeway: So, that's why he's been acting so good so far.
Kim: Of course, it didn't help my temper when Tuvok threw that chair at
	me.
Janeway: Tuvok?
Tuvok: Er, I was aiming at the creature. Yeah, I was aiming for the
	creature.
Janeway: Tuvok? Latter. Well, which emotions are missing from the
	regulars?
Holodoc: Commander Chakotay is missing his senses of being anoyed at
	Harry and his snotyness to others. Lieutant Torres has lost her 
	anger and resentment - which accounts for the smile on her face. 
	Unfortunatley Mr Paris appears to have lost his
	abilty to find the good points of someone, as well as his ability to
	love and even to perve on women.
Janeway: Can we get them back for them?
Holodoc: We may be able to help Chakotay regain those emotions by
	locking him up in a small room with Ensign Kim. but since Kim is not 
	himself at the moment, thats that idea ruined. Mind you, theres 
	nothing wrong with Harry that a lethal injection won't cure.
Kim: Hey!
Nameless Ensign voice\com: Captain we just picked up readings of another
	vessle off our part bow.
Janeway: You mean port bow.
Nameless Ensign: Whatever.
Janeway: On our way. Tuvok, Harry, Neelix with me. Holodoc stay here and
	work on a cure.
Kes: What about me?
Janeway: Stay here and help the Doctor.
Kes: (sfter Janeway and co have left gives them the V's.)

(cut to the bridge. It's a red alert situation so the rest of the lights
are out.)

Neelix: I can't see a thing.
Tuvok: Shut up you prick.
Neelix: What?
Tuvok: I said, watch the brick.
Neelix: What brick?
Tuvok: (trips him up)
Neelix: (lands on his face) Offya.
Janeway: Report.
Nameless Ensign: How? I can't see the controls.
Tuvok: She has a point captain. I estimate a defeciancy of 99.9% if
	working in these conditions continues.
Neelix: I think my nose is broken.
Janeway: No one asked. On screen.
Nameless ensign: HOW?
Janeway: Oh, computer turn on the lights.

(the lights come on too brightly.)

Bridge crew: (blinded) AAARRGGGGHH!!!
Janeway: Computer, turn the lights down to normal.
Nameless ensign: (still blinded) Captain, I can just about see the
	buttons. I think this is the viewscreen button.

(cut to Red Dwarf. Everyone is shaking about worse then Kirk and co when
their under attack.)

Mulder: what was that?
Rimmer: We're under attack. Women and cowards first to the life pods.
Scully: Just an Earthquake Mulder. Just ignore it.
Lister: Holl, what's happening man?
Holly: The Voyager fired a phaser at us.
Rimmer: Why.
Holly: Don't ask me mate, I'm a computer, not a miracle worker, or a
	social worker.
Cat: My mirror, I dropped my mirror and it's broke. Thats seven years
	bad luck.

(commercial break)
Next week on Sliders. The team Slides to X-Men world.

(Wolverine and Maggie jump into a team of villans and tear them appart)
Maggie: (yells fiercly) AAARRRRRGGGHHH!
Wolverine: (yells fiercly) SPOOOON! (disembowls someone.)

Quin chats up Jean Grey.

Cyclops: Hey! Thats my wife. (optic blast Quin into the middle of next
	week)
Quin: uhhhh. What away to go. Shot by a transvestite.
Cyclops: I am not a transvestite.

Rembrant learns that his singing talents are actully a mutant power like
	Banshees. 
(Cut to Banshee and Syren teaching Rembrant how to use his voice to fly
like they do)
Rembrant: I can fly! I can fly!
Banshee: Don't stop screaming or ye'll-
Rembrant: Arrrrgh- (falls and lands in a pond)
Banshee: Fall.

(and see Wade get really pissed of by the lack of attention she gets
when she ware's Psylocke's outfit.)

(end commercial break)

(Voyager)

Nameless Ensign: Opps, wrong button. This one maybe?

(Red Drawf, everything shakes, Rimmer starts to fade a little.)

Rimer: What the smeg?
Holly: We've just been hit by a class 8 probe.
Kryten: Don't they use photon torpedo casing?
Mulder: (panicing) We gonna die, we gonna die. And I haven't read the
	latest playboy issue yet.
Scully: It's just an earth tremour mulder.
Rimer: For smegs sake women,we are on a five mile long minning ship, it
	is three miles high and has a large asteroid stuck on its belly. 
	It is coloured red for smegs
sake. That was no earth tremour.
Scully: Look pal, you can believe what you like. Everyone else knows
	your mad, so your opinion doesn't count.
Rimmer: (gives her his snidey look no. 28943)

(cut to Voyager.)

Nameless Ensign: Opps.
Janeway: You can say that again. Theres no way to replace those torpedoe
	casings.  Thats another one we lost.
Ensign voice\com: Captain, the creature has attacked more crew members.
Janeway: Uh oh. What did it do this time?
Ensign voice\com: It turned into Mike Tyson and bit off Ensign
	Holyfields Ear. Then it yelled, "It was just a nibble."
Janeway: Oh good grief.
Neelix: I could make good use of that ear in my new recipe.
Tuvok: Don't think about it.
Kim: (tries to hold back the vomit)
Tuvok: (to Kim) Think about it.
Janeway: Get Ensign Holyfield to sickbay. (to nameless Ensign at conn)
	Ensign, press the button marked communications.
Ensign voice\over: Uhh?
Janeway: Not you. Janeway out. You (points at conn officer) press the
	comm button.
Nameless Ensign: Aye sir, uh Ma'am, uh whatever.

(Red Dwarf is fired on yet again. Cat is standing next to the fish tank
which explodes, Mulder, Lister and Kryten are still trying to get their 
clothes on, but fall down with their pants around their ankles.)

Mulder: (slowly places one hand on each side of the table and hauls
	himself up. he has a pair of boxer shorts on his head.) Oh man, 
	someone must be really scared.
Lister: Uh man, you got me boxers on your head. (takes them off a
	bewildered Mulder.)
Mulder: Do you wash you- Oh yeah, theres that "wash" word again.
Lister: actually, Kryten does em for me. After I've worn them for a few
	days.
Cat: oh man. I'm soaking. This suit is ruined. I'm off to get changed.

(exit Cat.)

Rimmer: What the smeg are they up to?
Scully: Maybe they rember you from the last parody?
Rimmer: Maybe they rembered you?
Lister: Maybe the Kazon took over?
Rimmer: Maybe they rembered how much you stink?
Lister: Maybe they have a thing about holograms that iritate everyone?
Rimmer: (flares his nostrals in disgust.)
Scully: Good grief. That was disgusting.
Lister: His best friend taught him how to pick his nose with his thumbs
	when they were kids.
Holly: Orange swirling thing alert. Orange swirling thing alert.
Lister: whats up now?
Mulder: Orange swirling thing alert.
Lister: (to Scully) Is it me, or does you mate have an even more boring
	voice then Holl's?
Scully: Oh yes, his is much more boring.
Kryten: Sir's, Ma'am, may I remind you what happened the last time we
	had an encounter with a huge orange swirling thing?
Lister: Spoof Trek?
Kryten: True, that parody did happen. But I was thinking more along the
	confines of the show.
Mulder: What confines? If there were confines we wouldn't be stuck on
	this rust bucket.
Scully: Mulder, it just a mock up.
Kryten: We were sucked up into another timezone. And since we-
Lister: (interupts) Hang on, that happened when Cat plugged his
	hairdryer into the socket in the command centre.

(the Red Dwarf posse faces drop for a minute, then.)

Everyone: SHIT! (they rush of to the command centre.)
Holly: whats going, whats the matter? Does anyone want to know that
	we're being sucked into that orange swirling thing?

(Voyager)

Janeway: Ensign, whats your name?
Nameless Ensign: Bennish sir, Ma'am, Captain.
Janeway: Tuvok, why don't you take over from Ensign Bennish?
Tuvok: (Sitting at Ops) I already have.
Janeway: Damm, your fast.
Tuvok: I know, if I weren't a Vulcan, I'd be impressed with myself.
Janeway: Very well, report.
Tuvok: Wha? I wasn't ready, that's not fair, you can't do that to me.
Janeway: Get on with it man.
Tuvok: (looks like he's going to growl, untill he rembers he's not
	Worf.) Sensors indicate there is a temporal annomally 2000 metres 
	from the port bow.
Janeway: Hmm. We are currently next to the Red Dwarf, and their the ones
	responsible for the last temporal annomally. Could they be 
	responsible for this one?
Tuvok: Highly likely. And since it was Mr Lister who gave you all those
	cigerates which the creature was hidding in, they may be responsible 
	for that.
Janeway: Are you suggesting that the Red Dwarf crew planted that
	creature on us to kill us off?
Tuvok: It is possible.
Janeway: Fire a photon torpedo at them.
Tuvok: Impossible captain.
Janeway: Why?
Tuvok: The temporal annomally.
Janeway: Yes?
Tuvok: They just entered it and traveled back in time.
Janeway: Great! What time period?
Tuvok: (messes with instruments) Impossible to be exact, but I would
	say, sometime in the twentith century.
Janeway: (groans) Not again. OK. After them.
Neelix: Captain?
Janeway: They may know how to combat the creature and get the crew back
	to normal.
Neelix: Now wait a minute. Don't we get to vote on this?
Janeway: Do we get to vote on whether or not I space you?
Neelix: (gulps). Good point.

(Voyager enters the orange swirling thing.)

Tuvok: Temperol annomaly.

(whatever. Cut to Earth. Date 1916. The western front line. We are in a
little dingy dugout. Three men have just came in having just survived the 
big push. Blackadder, average height and build, moustached as it the fashion 
of the time, very intelligent, very tidy, looks like a nasty snidey SOB 
who'l try anything to get out of the war. Baldrick, very short, thin, dirty, 
short cut hair, looks like a dipstick. And then theres George. Proud, 
dedicated, tidy uniform, far away look in his eyes. In otherwords,
probably an ancestor of Forrest Gump.)

Blackadder: (sarcasticly) Well, that was nice. Being in the big push,
	wasn't it?
Baldrick: (no hint of sarcasm, just a whinging voice that makes you want
	to hit him if it wasn't for the fact you'd need to have a tetnus 
	afterwards.) no
Captain Blackadder.
Blackadder: Don't make me hit you Baldrick, now make me a cup of tea.
George: oh come on Bladder, it was great fun. Finnaly some action.
Blackadder: Look, George, two things. One, don't call me Bladder, two,
	your an incompatant imbercile.
George: (doesn't let that phase him a bit, causes he's a bigger prat
	than Wesley
Crusher. So he laughs a bit.) Oh ha, ha, ha, Bladder. You jest, you
	jest.
Blackadder: No I don't. Look the General, your friend the General -who's
	idea it was for this whole dammed idiot capaign- came here in person 
	to offer you a way out. And what did you do? Accept it? Offer it to 
	a certain supior? NOOooooohhh.
George: Oh come on Bladder. What would the General have done with his
	own offer if I was to offer it to him?
Blackadder: (resists the temptation to hit George.) Look you had a
	chance but you didn't use it. You could have been drinking champaign 
	with the General in his chatoe, but no, you had to stay, why?
George: Oh come on Bladder, you know me, patroit to the last. Besides,
	Champaign gives me wind.
Baldrick: (brings two cups of tea over to Blackadder) Here you go sir.
Blackadder: (looks at cup) Ummm. Baldrick, is this to your regular
	recipe? Baldrick: Yes sir.
Blackadder: So that means, instead of sugar we have your?
Baldrick: Dandruff.
Blackadder: And instead of milk, you used?
Baldrick: Spit and squashed lice.
Blackadder: And Rat for flavour?
Baldrick: Yes sir.
Blackadder: And I daren't ask about those brown flakey bits. (pours the
	tea onto the floor.) Well, make youself usefull, Baldrick. Go out 
	side and stand up above the sandbags.

(Baldrick leaves, Blackadder lies down on his bunk and reads a book. We
here gun fire for a minute, then it stops and lots of people start to 
scream.)

Blackadder: (snaps the book shut.) That can't be right. People only
	scream like that when they get shot, not after. (gets up to 
	investigate, reaches the door and is flatterned by Baldrick as he 
	runs in through the doorway.)
Baldrick: Captain, Liuentant. Theres a great big red blimp above us.
Blackadder: (gets up, brushes himself off.) Baldrick, I'm afraid I shall
	have to discapline you for lying. (hits Baldrick in the stomach.)
George: (looking out of doorway.) By god Bladder, he's right, there is a
	great big red blimp outside in the air. And it looks like theres 
	some kind of aereoplane nearby it as well.
Blackadder: thats no blimp. It completly made of metal, except for that
	hugh rock thats stuck to the bottom of it.
Baldrick: It could be a Hun trick sir.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: Maybe the Hun have made it to look like that so they can bomb
	us from that blimp without us knowing it.
George: (gives this serious thought)
Blackadder: Baldrick?
Baldrick: Yes Captain?
Blackadder: Do you know what I'm going to do to you?
Baldrick: pat me on the back sir?
Blackadder: No, this. (punches Baldricks face.)
George: He may have a point Bladder. This may be some kind of Hun
	weapon.
Blackadder: Affraid not, that things five miles long, and made nearly
	completly of metal, and the Hun leaders suffer from the same thing 
	our leaders do.
George: And that is?
Blackadder: Lack of funding.
George: Good lord, your right Bladder.

What is going on now? A Star Trek/Red Dwarf/X-Files/Blackadder goes
forth crossover? Will the Polymorph be destroyed? Will Janeway destroy the
Dwarf? Will Tyson ever fight fairly? Will Balckadder ever get out of the war?
How did Blackadder and co survive the big push? What happened to Captain
Darling? Tune in far part two, coming to a web page near you soon.



Spoof trek 2. The search for an ending.
Part two: Oh my darling.
By David "The darkest of darkest horse's" Hopper.

In the last part, our (for want of a better word) heroes and Rimmer,
Neelix, Harry Kim, George and Baldrick, were all scouped up from what they 
were doing and placed in yet another ridicouls parody that will proberly 
drag on for eternity. Maybe even staying unfinished as the forth season of 
Voyager starts up. What do you mean it's started already? Damnit man. I was 
talking about in the UK not the USA. To put it mildy another Orange swirling 
thingie (aka temperol anomaly, crappy plot device,) is responsible for the 
whole damm thing.

(Red Dwarf command centre, Cat is absentmindly drying his hair. Lister
and the others barge in.)

Lister: Oh you smeging idiot.
Cat: (confused) What?
Lister: You did it again.
Cat: What?
Rimmer: Why couldn't you just use the sockets in your quarters?
Cat: What quarters? I don't need no stinking quarters, I sleep where I
	want.
Scully: Thats true. I found him in my bed five times last night.
Cat: Yeah, I sleep where I like. Got a problem with that?
Scully: Only when I'm already in the bed.
Cat: (smiles) Baby. You looked lonely.
Mulder: If anyones going to score with Scully, it'll be me.
Scully: WHAT?
Mulder: (panics) Er, but only when the ratings drop.
Scully: Oh.
Kryten: Now you've created another orange swirling thing.
Cat: A what?
Lister: Do you rember Spoof Trek?
Cat: Yeah?
Rimmer: This is the sequel.
Cat: Yeah?

(everybody exchanges glances. The other Dwarfers have expressions along
the lines of: This is going to take longer than normal. Cut to the Generals
chateau. Blackadder and George are in the secretary's office.)

Blackadder: Darling! I thought you were dead?
Darling: I escaped the blood shed, just like you.
George: (exicted) Wow! Bladder, this means we all alive. You, me,
	Baldrick, Darling and the General.
Blackadder: I'd of prefered it if only I had survived. Oh well, Darling,
	tell the general we're here to report a mysterious object.
Darling: (suspicous) What mysterious object?
Blackadder: The mysterious object that is hovering over the front lines
	of both sides of this war.
Darling: (looks down at his work) Don't know what your talking about.
Blackadder: The Red mysterous object that has a huge lump of rock on its
	bottom. 
Darling: (starts scribberling desperatley at the paper) Doesn't ring a
	bell.
Blackadder: The big, five miles long red object with the huge lump of
	rock on its bottom, and something resembling the Eifel tower -turned 
	around the wrong way- at one end of it.
Darling: (throws down his pen in frustration) Dammit Blackadder. How did
	you know? It's classified.
Blackadder: Well, you can't really miss it can you? I mean, it's huge,
	red, has a rock on it the size of Gibraltar. just be a good man and 
	let the General know we're in.
Darling: (sarts to scribble again) I can't.
Blackadder: Yes you can. Do it before I pull rank on you.
Darling: We are the same rank.
Blackadder: (loses his temper) Look just do it will you?
Darling: I can't. He's dead.
Blackadder: Come again?
Darling: (starts to sob) His car was blown up by a stray long range Hun
	shell. (brakes down completely in huge over the top whinges.)
Blackadder: Get ahold of yourself Darling.
George: (starts to sob like Darling) Dead? BOO! HOO! BOO! HOO!
Blackadder: Oh no.
George: He was so kind to my mother when I was a boy. Like a father to
	me he was.
Blackadder: (to himself) Well, that explains why he offered to get you
	out of the big push. (speaks up) How ironic, George. If you had gone 
	with him, you'd be dead.
George: (stops crying) By jove your right, Bladder.
Blackadder: Well Darling, presumably theres a new man in charge and I'd
	like to speak with him.
Darling: (still crying) O.K. You can go in.
Blackadder: Whats his name?
Darling: (thinks for a minute.) I don't know.

(Blackadder and George go in. The office is now a lot darker, and is
filled with cigerate smoke. At the desk the chair is turned towards the 
window, it slowly rotates around to reveal-)

Cancerman: Yes?

(Voyager, sick bay. The Holodoc is seeing to Ensign Holyfields ear.)

Holodoc: There. How does it feel?
Holyfield: What?
Holodoc: How does it feel?
Holyfield: I can't hear you man.
Holodoc: (leans closer to the repaired ear) HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!!!!!!!
Holyfield: F....fin....fine. Yeah fine. Thanks doc. No need to yell, I
	ain't deaf you know.
Holodoc: Did the creature use it's sucker thing to steal any emotions
	from you?
Holyfield: No. The others managed to shoot it off me in time. But I am
	going to have a remach with that sucker. No one bite Ensign 
	Holyfields ear off.
Holodoc: Uh huh? (raise both eyebrows turns his back to Holofied) Kes?
Kes: Yes?
Holodoc: Kes, I want you to check the records about anyone named
	Holyfield from Earth.
Kes: Why?
Holodoc: I want to see if this man is a descendent of some boxer Mr
	Paris was telling me about.
Kes: what's the use of that?
Holodoc: I want to- I  don't know. It must be some kind of crappy plot
	device for latter.
Kes: I'll get on it then.

(cut to bridge. Janeway is now talking to Rimmer over the viewscreen.
Tuvok is looking at Rimmer in a suspicious way.)

Janeway: Did you have to polish the "H" on your forhead captain? It's
	shining the light into my eyes.
Rimmer: theres not a lot I can do about it. All Holograms are programed
	to have either a metal H, or an H like the holograms on credit 
	cards.
Kim: Can't you wear a head band?
Rimmer: (irrated) What? Shut up. Madam Captain-
Janeway: Don't madam captain me.
Rimmer: Erm, Captain. We seem to be in a sticky situation. (in the
	background, Lister, Kryten and Mulder are still explaining about the 
	hairdryer to Cat while Scully keeps going on about this whole damn 
	thing being a load of corporate prime time bull shit.) It appears 
	that we have been sucked back in time to the tweentith centuary, and
	now the portal has closed and to put it mildly, we're stuck. 
Janeway: Terrific. Well, we'l have to deal with that latter. Are you
	responsible for the creature that is stealing the emotions from our 
	crew members?
Rimmer: Huh?
Janeway: Well, are you or aren't you?
Rimmer: NO! Well, I don't think so.
Cat: (in background) I still don't get it.
Rimmer: Shut up. Captain, I don't think we could be responsible for a
	creature like that. The only thing we are qualified to do is clear 
	out the gunk from the chicken soup dispensor.
Janeway: You'r a technician?
Tuvok: (raises an eyebrow.)
Rimmer: Yes, I was responsible for the Z shift.
Tuvok: (eyebrow raised even higher)
Neelix: Whats a chicken.
Tuvok: something you would never be able to cook properly.
Neelix: are you saying I can't cook.
Tuvok: Yes.
Neelix: Oh well. You had to figure it out sometime sooner or latter.
	God, it's just the truth. I can't cook, and I'm  ugly as hell.

(entire bridge crew looks shocked. suddenly Tuvoks face split in half
and a pointy stick like sucker thing pops out on to Neelix's head.)

Neelix: AAARRRGHH!
Janeway: No one asked how you fel- My god.
Rimmer: A Polymorph! Lister thers another bloody polymorph on Voyager.
Lister: What?
Scully: That looks so dammed cheap. It's not even CGI for christ sake.
Neelix: AAARGH-shut it you ginger cow- RRRGGHHH!!!
Kim: Cool.
Janeway: Computer: locate Tuvok.
Neelix: Help!
Kim: Captan, should we help Neelix?
Janeway: Once I've found out where the real Tuvok is, then we help
	Neelix.
Neelix: Captain, I don't think I can (collapses and faints)
Janeway: Hrm, he may have a point. (whips out a compresion phaser rifle
	from somewhere and blasts the polymorph.)

Polymorph: (screams, brakes off it's attack and runs into a turbo lift
	just as the real Tuvok enters the bridge. He fails to notice it.)

Janeway: Tuvok, is that you?
Tuvok: logically I am who I appear to be. Unless you have been at those
	magic mushrooms Neelix brought on board and are therefore under 
	some kind of hallucination.
Kim: It's him.
Lister: Captain, to be honest your not going to be able to kill that
	thing with out some more hardcore weaponry. And some experinced 
	people. We've killed two of those things before. That one must have 
	been the mate of the first one. Their shapeshifters so it must have 
	disguised it self as a pack of cigerates and got mixed up with the 
	load I gave you.
Janeway: speaking of which, I kind of overindulged myself. Could I
	borrow some more?
Lister: (dreamy eyed look) Sure. Anything for you. Er, do you know which
	time period we're in?
Janeway: World war I. And we are in the atmosphere.
Lister: smeg. Look we'l be right over. We'll have to blow this thing up
	and then get out of here.
Janeway: Agreed. But do you know how to regain the emotions of the crew
	members?
Lister: You just have to destroy the creature. Then it releases the
	emotions.
Janeway: well, thats convenient.
Lister: Yeah. We like to get the status quo back in our show.
Janeway: Thats the motto of our producers too.

(cut to the launch bay of Red Dwarf. Starbug 5 is ready to go. It take
of and soars out of the cargo bays open doors. Cut to the cramped flight 
room. Kryten is at the pilot seat all alone. Rimmer walks in wearing a full 
dress uniform. White suit with a row of medals that he can't possible have 
earned for his regular work. He sits down at his console near the door.)

Kryten: May I say sir, you have collected a fine collection of medals.
Rimmer: Yes you may.
Kryten: Good then I won't, you Smmmeeee Heeea.
Rimmer: If I ever figure out what you trying to say, and if I find out
	you are calling me what I think your calling me. You are going to be 
	spare parts.
Kryten: Lie mode dissengaged. Sarcasm mode dissengaged.
Rimmer: Watch that starship. We don't want to collide with it.
Kryten: (somehow looks worried despite the rubber mask) But sir. That is
	our destination.
Rimmer: It is? Well, fly casual.
Kryten: (confussed) Sir? (gets back to work.) approching shuttle bay.
Rimmer: O.K. Kryters, left a bit, bit more. down,no up. To the right,
	perfect.
Kryten: But sir, that course sends us directly into the roof.
Rimmer: No it won't.
Lister: (walks in) Push down now Kryten.

(Voyager)

Kim: Captain Ma'am. The Starbug is on a collision course with the roof
	of the shuttle bay.
Janeway:  What? Send a fire team.
Tuvok: We don't have fire teams. We have security teams.
Janeway: Do they know how to fight fires?
Tuvok: No. They would fire theirs phasers at it and proberly die.
Kim: Captain, on behalf of the Expendable Ensigns and security officers
	on board this ship. I would like to say-
Neelix: (wakes up and rubs head. Squints at everything) My god. Why is
	everything so ugly?
Kim: No. I would like to say, that we aren't very happy about constintly
	losing our members. If this keeps up, there will only be the main 
	cast left. And I think you'l agree we can't keep killing main cast 
	members off.
Neelix: (squinting at Tuvok) You are so dammed ugly Mr Vulcan, have I
	ever told you that?
Tuvok: No, and frankly I don't care. Have a death grip (nerve pinches
	Neelix)
Neelix: that is such a dammed ugly  gestu- (loses consiness)
Janeway: What the hell is going on?
Tuvok: Neelix was getting on my nerves.
Kim: Starbug was on a collision course with the roof of the shuttle bay.
	But not any more.
Janeway: Well thats a relief.
Kim: It's about to crash into the floor.
Janeway: What? Fire teams, send them now.
Tuvok: We don't have any.
Janeway: Oh I just don't care anymore. Being the Captain of this ship is
	more like mothering a bunch of fire year olds. Send the ships cat.
Kim: She not qualified. Prehaps we should send a fire crew.
Janeway: Tuvok said we don't have any.
Tuvok: I said we don't have any fire teams. Mr Kim said to send a fire
	crew-
Janeway: I don't care what their called, just send them.

(cut to the Generals office)

Blackadder: Are you the Geneals replacement?
Cancerman: for the time being, yes.
Blackadder: Well, in that case I'd like to report the sighting of a UFO.
Cancerman: They don't exist.
Blackadder: I think they do. It was five miles long, red, had a rock the
	size of Gibralter on it bottom, and a Eifel tower at one end. Turned 
	round the wrong way of course.
Cancerman: Of course.
George: According to some people it just appeared out of nowhere. And
	then this other shape. Kind of like an Iron and three cigars.
Cancerman: What you have seen is obviously a Hun trick.
George: Gosh.
Blackadder: I doubt it sir. The Hun were firing their weapons at it.
Cancerman: Were you?
Blackadder: No.
Cancerman: Why not?
Blackadder: It was well out of range sir.
Cancerman: Ah well, in that case it must have been an halucination
	through fatigue. I hear you survived the big push.
Blackadder: I was unconcious for most of it.
George: So was I. Can't explain it really. (gets more and more carried
	away with the tale) one minute blasting away at the enemy, next 
	thing I knew, I woke up in a hole from a shell with the Captain and 
	Baldrick. Oh and Captain Darling.
Cancerman: (raises eye brow when Darlings name is mentioned) Then you
	must have been gased and hallicnated the whole thing.
Blackadder: Sorry sir, but everyone on the front line saw it. And
	Captain Darling out their knew about it as well. so theirs something 
	afoot.
Cancerman: (now very angry) It was a weather ballon. And thats final.
Blackadder: It was made of metal sir. And it had a hugh rock on it as
	well. In fact a piece of it fell on to Baldrick. (holds out a green 
	glowing rock)
Cancerman: (looks terrified.) Leave it on my desk, then never mention
	this to anyone ever again. This is a matter of international 
	security.
George: is it the Hun sir?
Cancerman: more serious then that. Gentleman, this conversation never
	took place. You will not discuss these matters to anyone else or 
	you will face the firing squad. Understand?
Blackadder: Again?
Cancerman: And you won't be able to pull any strings to get out of it
	this time. Understood?
Blackadder: (Rowan Atkinson: "You are a git" smile TM ) Perfectly, sir.
George: Urm yes, yes perfectly clear. Yes.
Cancerman: I see from your records you have some few hours flying time.
	Report here tomorow for a special assignment. (as they turn around 
	he reaches for something below his desk.)
George: Gosh.
Blackadder: (nears the door then turns around) sir, I couldn't help but
	notice your accent.
Cancerman: (quickly puts the object back) What about it?
Blackadder: It's Ameriacan. I presume this means you Yanks are entering
	the War?
Cancerman: Not yet. I'm here because it's my job to stop corrupting
	influences affect... this planets people.

(as they leave, Cancerman pulls out a gigar counter and checks the rock.
It goes off the scales. He then picks it up with a pair of tongs and put it 
in a lead box. Blackadder and George enter the room Darling was in. Darling 
who was listening through the keyhole is knocked to the ground.)

Blackadder: Why are you screaming?
Darling: Your standing on my crotch.
Blackadder: Oh, so I am. How clumsy of me.
Darling: Well, what did he have to say to you.
Blackadder: I can't tell. We had no conversation with the mystreous
	american BASTARD that has a tendicey to smoke rather too many 
	cigertes.
Darling: Look, Blackadder. I don't know what happened to me in that big
	push, I can't rember how I survived. But the same thing happened to 
	you lot. And we were all together.
Blackadder: (smarmy) I don't know what big push your talking about,
	(emperthise) Darling.
Darling: (peved) Look, non of us rember a darn thing. Not a darn thing.
	Now this UFO appears, and this man with no name is in charge. Don't 
	you find that suspicous?
Blackadder: Yes, but then I also found you suspicous. You, who always
	managed to get out of the real dirty work, who was always trying to 
	avoid the fighting. You who always chew your finger nails when your 
	scared when someones getting close to the
	truth. Tell me, (emperthises) Darling, was it a brown tongue, or
	troussers down and body bent over the table to keep you in your
	desk job?
Darling: (chewing his finger nails) God, Blackadder. Why are you such a
	suspicous bastard? (brakes down in tears)
Blackadder: Well, I'm in rare form today. Expect more of this tomorow
	Darling. Darling: (cries even harder)

(comercial break)

This week on X files. Mulder and Scully have no cases or conspiracies to
deal with, so they clean out Mulders office.

Scully: (pulls a folded over magazine out from underneath the filing
	cabnet which lurches to one side) Hey this issue of Playboy dates 
	back to the exact day JFK was shot.
Mulder: I've been looking for that. (snatches it back)
Scully: WHAT IS THIS? (holds up a bra. A cockroach falls out of it.)
	Eww. (drops it.)
Mulder: Present from Bambi.
Scully: where did you get these photos? (holds various photos of herself
	up.)
Mulder: Er. They were on the net. 
Scully: Your lonelier then I thought Mulder.

(end comercial break)

(cut to shuttlebay. Small fires have broken out around the remains of
starbug. Cut to flight room. Lister and Kryten are embeded in wrecked 
consoles. Rimmer is flickering on and off all the time.)

Lister: (groans) Kryten. How many times have I told you to ignore
	Rimmers orders when we're docking?
Kryten: But sir, I'm programmed to obey all humans, no matter how
	insane.
Lister: But he's a hologram, for smegs sake.

(ops room. Cat is upside down in a locker and Mulder and Scully are on
top of each other.)

Mulder: So, do you think this is fake Scully? Do you?
Scully: I think my arm is broken.
Mulder: Oh, and I suppose that is fake too, uhh?
Scully: no, it really is broken.
Cat: How'm I looking? (looks for his mirror) Yeah, right. It broke.
Scully: Here. (hands him a pocket mirror)
Cat: Thanks. (looks at it.) AAARRRRGGGGHHHH! (faints)
Lister: (walks in, looks at Cat.) leemme guess, he saw his hair was
	messed up?
Mulder: (sarcasticly) Scully has a fake broken arm.
Scully: No, it's really broken.
Lister: well we have to get out of here and let the fire crews deal with
	this. Can you walk?
Scully: Yes.
Rimmer: (walks onto the mid deck) Right, Lister, get those Skutters to
	pick up my trunk. (looks at cat) Someone wake up that lazy feline 
	mogey.
Lister: (grabs a crate marked Bazokoids) No time. (to the Skutters) Hey
	Bob, help with these crates.
Bob: (grabs a crate with its arm and then prombtly reverse into a
	bulkhead)
Lister: Dammit. There must be some radio signals mesing up his guidance
	system, again.
Rimmer: Well I doubt it can be those damm Taxi radios causing
	interferance.
Kryten: Er sirs. I suggest we get off this Starbug before it blows up.
Mulder: What?
Kryten: The fuel lines are ruptered. Fuel is leaking and I think we have
	five minutes before we blow up.
Mulder: You guys get off the ship. I'll see what I can do.
Scully: Mulder, it's just a set. You don't have to risk your life over a
	set.
Mulder: (leaves through a doorway muttering something about having to
	film in "that" warehouse again.)
Scully: You just can't leave him in there.
Rimmer: We're not. he went in there by himself of his own free will.

(at this point several security oficers appears in Starbugs airlock.)

Tuvok: If you would come with us.
Kryten: This ship is going to blow up.
Tuvok: Then we must hurry. (touches com badge) Tuvok to transporter room
	one. Ten to beam.
Ensign: We can't get a lock on you.
Lister: We've got we're own transporter over here. Kryten get the hand
	held.
Kryten: Got it. (fiddles about with the various buttons on the weird
remote) Here we
	go. now I must stress that this was designed for cargo, not organic
	material.
Lister: We've used it before with no ill effect. Just do it.
Rimmer: Wait adjust the transporter to work for me. I don't want to be
	stuck in my light bee again.
Scully: What about Mul- (they all vanish in a cheap special effect)

(cut to a basement with a lot of people in it. There are bear barrels
all over the place and a short, fat man with greased down hair and a stupid 
moustache standing on one barrel and yelling his ideas at the assembled 
people.)

Hitler: UND FURTHER MORE!

(The Treker\Dwarfs and Scully appear in another cheap special effect.)

Hitler: VHAT ZE HELL?!
Scully: This is so-
Eveyone else: Fake. We know, we know.
Hitler: WHO ARE YOU? VHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Lister: Hey, is that?
Rimmer: My hero. Adolf Hitler. Can you sign this copy of Fascit Dictator
	weekly?
Tuvok: Uh oh! Mr Kryten, can you get us back to our proper time?
Kryten: Yes, I must have keyed in the wrong sequence. Hang on I'll just
	key in the recall sequence.

(Lister grabs hold of Hitler and starts to kick the crap out of him.
Tuvok grabs hold of Lister and pulls him off. They dissapear in a cheap 
special effect, leaving the security guards behind.)

Guard #1: what do we do now?
Guard #2: If they attack us, we use our supior skills and training
	against them.

(the beer hall putcsh becomes the beer hall punch up as the Nazis jump
the guards and start to prombtly beat the crap out of them.)

(back on starbug)

Tuvok: Where are my men?
Kryten: Somewhere in the 1930's.
Tuvok: Can you bring them back?
Kryten: Oh yes. (fiddles about with the remote and the security guards
	reappear, bruised and bloodied nosed.)
Tuvok: typical. More training for you lot.
All Guards: Groan.
Rimmer: What about my autograph?
Everyone else: who cares?
Scully: What about Mulder? (they all vanish again)

(cut to engine room. In this case it is "that warehouse" that they use
in X-Files all the time, and not "that" pumphouse they always use in Red 
Dwarf. Mulder has his gun out and is flashing his tourch about a lot.)

Mulder: Hmm, nothing so far. Come on out aliens. I know your here
	somewhere. Come on out. Even if your those lizard men from V, I 
	don't care.  Hell, I'll take on storm troppers even. All I'm going 
	to do is use you to prove that you exist. You won't get hurt. Well, 
	unless someone tries to kill you in which case my protection will be
	useless cause the writters will want it to be that way in any case.

(he wanders about for a few minutes calling for aliens then rembers he's
not here to look for aliens.)

Mulder: Damm, I'm not here to look for aliens. What am I here for? Oh
	yeah. Come on out ghosts. I know you exist. Come on out.

(he passes by a switch with a sign with the word LIGHT SWITCH painted on
it in eluminous green)

Mulder: Hum, should I press it? Or should I just keep useing my
	flashlight? (he ignores the sign and continues to stumble about in 
	the dark.) Why break the habits of a lifetime?

(cut to Voyager's sickbay. Scully and the Cat are there.)

Holodoc: There your arm is healed. Your skin may feel tight for a few
	days.
Scully: My arm mustn't have been broken after all.
Holodoc: I assure you it was.
Scully: No, it musn't have been. Theres no way a red beam could have
	fixed a broken arm.
Holodoc: I see you know nothing about medicine.
Scully: I'm an undergraduate in medicine and I happen to be an expert in
	forensic science.
Holodoc: Allow me to rephrase that sentince. I see you know nothing
	about 24th centuary medicine.
Scully: Bull, we are not in the 24th centuray.
Holodoc: True, at present we are stuck in the 20th centuary.
Scully: Ha, I knew we'd never been anywhere. It's just a series of
	exentsive mock ups.
Holodoc: Unfortunately it's the year 1916.
Scully: What? What a load of crap.
Holodoc: And I know for a fact your from the late 20th centuary.
Scully: Hang on, how could you know that if your from the future?
Holodoc: I'm a doctor, it's my job to know these sorts of things. (shot
	behind his back, he's fiddling with Scully's ID.)
Scully: (points to Cat) Well, what about him?
Holodoc: His physiology is quite similar to humans, although the organs
	tend to be smaller and in better shape then humans. But he seems to 
	have fainted for some bizare reason. Perhaps if I knew why I could 
	work out a cure for him.
Scully: He's incredible vain. He looked in a mirror after the crash and
	saw his hair was in a mess. Then he fainted.
Holodoc: Well. All I have to do is fix his hair. (he does so, and Cat
	miraculously regains conciuness.)
Cat: Woh! How I'm looking? (looks at the mirror Scully gave him
	earlier.) Aaargh! I'm looking like my hairs been done by a balding 
	hologram.
Holodoc: Ahem.
Cat: Woh, a balding guy.
Holodoc: A balding hologram, actually.
Cat: Woh. Hey did anyone tell you about those nostrals? Must happen to
	all holograms. Wheres your goal posts? (produces a comme and commes 
	his hair back into shape.)
Holodoc: What?
Cat: You know, the "H" all holograms are supposed to have on their
	foreheads. Like smeg for brains.
Kes: Who?
Scully: Rimmer.
Kes: Oh him.
Holodoc: (worried) Is it mandortory for all holograms to bear that mark?
Cat: oh yeah. It's just so people can tell they ain't real. Woh, crease.
	(pulls out a portable iron and smoths it out.)
Holodoc: I can asure you we are real.
Cat: How'm I looking? (looks in mirror again) I'm looking good. My hair
	looks good, my teeth look good, my-(continues to list good points.)
Holodoc: (to Scully) How long have you known this man?
Scully: Since the prequel.
Holodoc: Thats been a long time.
Kes: IT certainly has. I was told I'd be getting a role increase.
Holodoc: well, you are leaving the series.
Kes: So?
Scully: Yeah, stand up for your self. Demand your rights. Draw the line.
	Show some girl power.

(The Spice Girls enter the room kicking and screaming and singing
"Wanabe" and chaos ensures. Cat stops admiring himself and seems to be 
more interested in Geri's Clevage. Victoria poses about but never smiles, 
Scary Spice starts fiddling with the equipment and the sedated bodies of 
Chakotay, Torres and Paris start to have very strange readings appear on 
their monitors which isn't helped by Sporty spice doing her back flips over 
them, Emma just looks cute and cuddly for a while then sticks her
toungue out and starts to try to arouse the Cat. The Cat is very
aroussed, they smile at each other, lips pouting, and she pushes him off 
his med bed.)

Holodoc: Uh oh.
Kes: this is Girl Power?
Scully: Yup.
Kes: I like it. (she joins the Spice Girls)

(cut to Voyagers conference room. Janeway, Tuvok, Lister, Kryten and
Rimmer are there. Several compresion phaser riffles are on the tables, 
along with several Bazokoids. Janeway is staring at the Bazokoids. 
Correction. Janeway is drooling at the the Bazokoids.)

Janeway: What kind of range do they have?
Lister: Urm? I don't know.
Janeway: How powerfull are they?
Kryten: They can fire shots of up to 20 gazillion gigawatts, per round.
Tuvok: (impressesd) That is comparable to the main phasers on minum
	power.
Janeway: I want one.
Tuvok: I'll get you one for Christmas.
Rimmer: Shoudln't we be talking about the Polymorph?
Janeway: The what?
Tuvok: The creature that has been attacking us, and stealing the crews
	emotions.
Janeway: oh right.
Kryten: Then theres the damage to the timeline we have to consider.
Janeway: Huh? what damage?
Kryten: This is 1916. World War I. There may be considerable damage done
	already.
Janeway: We're starfleet officers. Traverling back in time and screwing
	with the timeline is part of the job. Beside, generally things turn 
	out to be alright in the end.
Tuvok: What about the prime directive?
Janeway: We don't need no stinking prime directive with these, these
	(holds a Bazokoid up)these, these.
Lister: Bazokoid's
Janeway: Bazokoid's!
Tuvok: (raises an eyebrow)
Janeway: so if this creature is destroyed, the emotions will be
	returned, right?
Rimmer: Right.
Janeway: (strips down to her tank top again.) Well, what are we waiting
	for? Tuvok,
Rimmer and Kryten. Take a security team with you and search deck two and
	downwards. Mr Lister, you and I and Harry and a security team will 
	go down to deck 16 and work our way up. And Mr Lister?
Lister: (looking at Janeways, erm, tanktop.) Yeah?
Janeway: Quit looking at my chest.

(cut to the Generals office. Cancerman is talking to someone in the
shadows)

Cancerman: So, it appears the timeline is being messed about with. Yes,
	it would be too early to tell what the implications would mean for 
	your people in the future. No, I believe that this advanced 
	technology won't fall into either side hands. I'm making
	sure by assemberling a team of the most experienced people I can 
	find. Yes, I'll be making use of the primitive aircraft of this 
	time. Oh you like that do you? Yes, I can tell by the way your 
	teeth are gleaming that you like it. Yes, I will keep my side of 
	the bargin, you just have to keep yours.

(the shadows seem to grow less, and the Cancerman turns around. He
smiles and lights up a cigerette. The shadow seems to cough.)

Cancerman: Oh sorry. Forgot you people don't like this sort of stuff.

(stubbs it out and waits for his guest to leave.)

What is the Cancerman up to? Who was he talking to? Will Janeway ever
stop staring at weapons? Is she just asking for trouble taking Kim with 
her? Why are the spice Girls so dammed anoying? Why do the X-Files always 
use that dammed warehouse? Do they have shares in it or something? Why does 
Mulder always get sidetracked by ghost and aliens - even when their aren't 
any there? Why does he never turn the lights on? What did happen to 
Blackadder and co? These are just some of the mysteries of the univers that 
have been added to the list since someone solved one of the others.
He then promptly forgot what it was, but knew it had something to do
with memory. The good news is theres only four more parts to go.

Part 3: Third encounters of the Spicey kind.
By David "twisted spice" Hopper.

Oh surely you can rember what happened in our last episode? Can't you?
If you can't, your a complete loser.

(The office outside the Generals office. Darling is at his desk,
Blackadder, George and Baldrick are standing in a corner. George and
Baldrick in deep conversation, or rather George is and Baldrick just looks
constipated.)

George: (his voice gets louder and more excited) And it appears that
	Darling (Darling looks ups at them. Paronoid expresion 1000293
	on his face) can't rember a darn thing about the push either. And he
	was right with us. Sucpious eh?
Baldrick: But I-
Blackadder: (re Cancerman) God, where is he? He ordered us here you'd
	think he'd have the decency to turn up.
Baldrick: I-
Balckadder: I mean it's typical of Americans. They sit back. They watch.
	They nitpick on how they'd do a better job. They wait untill the last
	minute, then they join and give their orders and get on my nerves.
	I'll tell you one thing. That man won't be with us on the mission.
	He'll have it allocated to someone else.
Baldrick: Sir, I-
George: Not like our brave leaders. (stands up stiff and tall) Men who
	will fight with the others, come rain or shine. Thick and thin.
	Bullets and shells.
Blackadder: What are you blithering about George? Since when do our
	leaders fight on the front line? Their more concerned about
	material wealth, (sounds greedy) money, jewls, gold, (gets even
	greedier) medals, money. You never found the General up in the
	front line did you?
George: He called round plenty of times.
Blackadder: Only when there wasn't any Hun snippers about or shells
	falling. All the rest of the time he was sitting about at his desk
	drinking and laughing.
Baldrick: I remb-
George: Well, who do you think will lead the mission then?
Blackadder: Some bold dashing Tommy, with more courage then sense.
	Not some... Yankie.

(at this point Captain Flashheart enters.)

Flashheart: Ah, if it isn't me old mucker Blackadder. And his incredubly
	gorgeous friends. Has anyone of you HAD some recently. I know I
	have - ah WOOF! (performs sex thrust.)
Blackadder: (quietly to a starstruck George) Or this git.

(cut to a dark cargo bay on Voyager. Janeways team are prowling for the
creature.)

Janeway: These Bazokoids are pretty heavy.
Lister: You get used to em. (lights a couple of cigerates up and gives
	one to Janeway.)
Janeway: Thanks. (draggs) Whats the best setting to deal with the
	creature?
Lister: Heat seeker. That way it'll lock onto any heat source the
	creature has.
Janeway: Sounds good to me. O.K. eveyone set Bazokoids to that level.
Kim: The rest of us only have phasers.
Janeway: Set them to kill, then. Shesh, what are they teaching kids at
	the academy these days? Tell me about these shapeshifting powers
	it has.
Lister: Well, IT'S THE WALL! (fires at the wall) sorry, sorry. THE
	DOOR! (fires at the door.) sorry.
Janeway: Will you calm down man? IT'S THE CEILING! (she fires at the
	ceiling and winds up being blown off her feet by the recol. She
	goes flying down the corridoor, into Harry and the extras, and
	eventully crashes into a door.) sorry.
Ensign doomed: (points further down the corridoor.) Down there!
Janeway: FIRE!

(Lister and Janeway fire a shot each. Kim and the Ensigns fire their
phasers at the shadows. The heat seeker charges lock onto nothing and
start to scan for targets.)

Janeway: (cigerate drops from her mouth.) What the hell is going on?
Lister: Huh oh. The only thing I can think of is bad.

(The orbs come hurterling down the coridoor towards the cast. Janeway,
Lister and Kim duck in time, but guess what happens to the Ensigns? Yep.
A cheap BBC special effect type explosion, then some blood and guts.)

Kim: Yuck.
Lister: Erm, sorry about that.
Janeway: No matter. That guy there had been considered a bit of a weirdo
	anyway.
Lister: How?
Janeway: B'Ellana saw him in his underware once in engernering.
Kim: (Opens his mouth to speak about the fact that the ship had been
	vastly altered at the time, then thinks better of it.)
Lister: There it is.

(they fire their weapons at the creature and wound it's, erm arm. Yeah,
I guess it's an arm. Cut to sick bay. The Spice Girls are still there, with
Kes and Scully. Torres and Paris and Chakotay are discharging
themselves.)

Holodoc: But you can't leave, your not curred.
Chakotay: I don't care. It not safe in here with those women in here
	jumping about all over the place.
Paris: Besides, I don't think I want to know B'Ellana any more.
Torres: (totally oblivious to Paris, singing and making peace signs.)
Paris: They are just so ugly.
Chakotay: No their not. Their quite attractive.
Paris: Even the one with the nose stud?
Chakotay: Especially her.

(at this point two glowing blue orb enter the room. Unoticed by anyone
they enter Chakotay and B'Ellanna.)

Paris: But she has nothing on her chest.
Chakotay: (definatley getting anoyed) So what? Does everything revolve
	around sex to you?
Paris: No, I just don't see anything in them.
Holodoc: (scans Chakotay) Commander, your being cured.
Chakotay: What?
Holodoc: Somehow, Mr Paris is making you be annoyed.
Chakotay: Well, what do you expect? My spirt guide is sporty Spice.
Torres: You'r not supposed to reveal that are you?
Chakotay: .......You BASTARD PARIS!! (grabs Paris neck.)
Torres: (now gets very angry and frustrated) Hey, don't damage him. I
	want him for myself in the future.
Chakotay: (reluctantly lets go.) O.K. But he just made me so angry.
Torres: Not as angry as I am.
Holodoc: O.K. You two can go.
Torres: Why?
Holodoc: Your cured. You've both got back your missing emotions. You
	can go. Not you Paris. You still have to learn how to appreciate
	beautiful things.
Paris: But I don't want-
Holodoc: so here's the latest issue of Playboy. And if that doesn't
	work, maybe Geri can pose in front of you.
Paris: (almost looks sick, but then he can't appreaciate beauty any
	more. Can he?)

(Mulder is walking down a coridoor in Starbug 5 engine room. He finds
the ruptured fuel line.)

Mulder: So thats what I'm looking for.

(It blows up in his face. Cut to deck 4. Tuvok and Kryten are taking up
the lead with Bazokoids, Rimmer takes the middle while the doomed
security guards look scarred at the back.)

Tuvok: It would be a good idea to split up to search these rooms. One
	man to a room.
(the guards look crest fallen.)
Rimmer: what about me? I can't carry weapons. My hard light drive is
	down.
Tuvok: In that case go with a security guard. (enters a room by himself,
	as does the other security guards, one of whom Rimmer folows.
	Kryten is about to enter a room when his panic circuits overload.
	He shakes violently, yet in a comedic way, and bangs his head off
	the wall to calm it down. Cut to Rimmer and Guard.)

Rimmer: (bringing up the rear.) From the movies I've seen like this,
	they always bump of the guy in front to terrifie the guy behind.
Guard #1: From the movies I've seen they generally bump off the guy
	behind, so the guy in front knows nothing.
Rimmer: Well, in that case. Try to cover me from both the front and
	behind. (Guard and Rimmer keep moving froward, with the Guard
	circulling around Rimmer.)

(cut to the coridoor. Tuvok, Kryten and the other guard have regrouped
in the coridoor.)

Tuvok: Where is Mr Rimmer?
Kryten: Say his name again.
Tuvok: Rimmer?
Kryten: I love the way you make it sound like a lavourtry disenfectant.

(a blood curderling scream is heard.)

Tuvok: Sounded like a blood curderling scream.
Kryten: sounded familar. Something must have fallen through Rimmer.

(they run into the room rimmer and the doomed guard entered. Rimmer is
standin there shaking with the dead guard body slumped where Rimmers
legs should be.)

Tuvok: What happened?
Rimmer: I don't know. The guard just died.
Guard #2: I didn't know holograms could crap themselves.
Rimmer: Huh?
Kryten: Look at the mess. It'll take me hours to clean it all up.
Tuvok: We have our own cleaners.
Kryten: NO! please, let me do it for you. I love cleaning up. This place
	is like heaven to me.
Tuvok: You need help.

(cut to Cancermans office-formerly the Generals office. Cancerman is
explaining his plan to the men.)

Cancerman: We will be flying three planes as close as possible to the
	blimp and we will attempt to gain access to it. What is it
	Blackadder?
Blackadder: Just one minor thing.
Cancerman: Yes?
Blackadder: Are you completly insane?
Cancerman: No.
Blackadder: how are we supposed to get on that?
Flashheart: Your not. I AM! AhWOOF! (performs sex thrusts) Oh yes,
	Blackadder, I AM!! (sex thrust) Ah WOOF! Not that I need a
	plane. All I need to do is get excitted and I can climb up myself
	(sex thrust overdrive) Ah WOOF BLOODY WOOF!!!
George: gosh.
Baldrick: (looks lost, but then he always does.)
Blackadder: look, Flashheart, it's not that I'm not gratefull for you
	rescuing us (indicates himself and Baldrick) from the Red Barron
	last year. But, do you think you could calm down a bit? You just
	starting to get too big for your own boots.
Flashheart: Too BIG for my own boots? Ah WOOF! (three guess what he
	does, yup a sex thrust) Blackadder, I wish you were coming with
	me instead of grampy here (indicates Cancerman) but he's ordered
	me to fly his plane.
Blackadder: (suscipous) Oh has he? And who is coming with me.
Cancerman: Your scruffy little friend.
Blackadder: He's talking to you, Baldrick.
Baldrick: Yay! Captain, we're flying together again.
Blackadder: (holds head in hands) Oh gods. (puts on his face for the
	elderly and forigners) O.K. How are we getting on that "Blimp"?
Cancerman: We fly our planes upto the blimp, try to find a way into it,
	and get in.
Blackadder: That simple?
Cancerman: Then we have three hours to bring it down on top of Hun
	lines.
Blackadder: Why the Hun lines?
Cancerman: We don't want to kill our own men do we?
Blackadder: Thats never stopped our previous glourious leader, has it.
George: You mean?
Blackadder: Yes, the General. (George and Darling brake down in tears.)
	May I be so bold as to ask, why us?
Cancerman: Because you've all had experince flying these things, and
	your the only men to have survived Flashhearts crash course on
	flying.
Blackadder: Why three hours?
Cancerman: Because after three hours, our artillery is under orders to
	shoot it down.

(cut to Voyager's briefing room. All the surviours from the hunting
teams are back, as well as Chakotay and Torres.)

Tuvok: and then the guard was dead.
Janeway: Oh well. Nice to have you back with us Chakotay, B'ellana.
Lister: Did you lot have your emotions nicked?
Chakotay: Yep, but they came back.
Kryten: Impossible.
Torres: Wanna bet?
Kryten: but no ones destroyed the Polymorph yet. Have they?
Kim: Wheres Neelix?
Tuvok: Who cares?
Neelix voice\com: Neelix to Captain Janeway.
Janeway: Oh god. What is it?
Neelix: I've got dinner ready.
Janeway: OH GOD! What is it this time?
Neelix: I'm not sure. The main ingrediant was a large creature that was
	attacking Mr Cat. It had a long sticky thing attached to his
	forehead, and well I thought at the time it was an ugly thing. So I
	zapped it with my phaser and well, now I'm cooking it, and I
	think things look a lot better.
Lister: Long sticky thing?
Kryten: Attached to his head?
Lister: The Cat? How is he?
Neelix: well, I'm not sure. He seems to be in some state of shock. He
	keeps twitching and saying not again, not again.
Lister: Uh oh.
Kryten: Does he seem to have changed in apperance?
Neelix: Now that you mention it, yeah. His teeth look like white
	gravestones, and his hair looks like Mr Tuvoks.
Tuvok: (raises eyebrow)
Lister: You mean dorky?
Tuvok: (raises eyebrow so much it threatens to take off his forehead)
Neelix: Yeah.
Tuvok: Thats rich coming from a man who had dreadlocks. My hair is not
	dorky.
Janeway: Wanna bet?
Tuvok: You can talk. Yours is like a hard hat.
Janeway: WHAT?! (levels Bazokoid at Tuvok) You take that back, Mister.
Neelix: Anyway, the Holodoc seems to think this creature must have to
	release the emotions for some reason.
 Kim: Crappy plot device.
Janeway: If you keep swearing Harry, I'll stop your allowance.
Kim: Oh man.
Janeway: Don't take that tone of voice with me young man.
Lister: Did Cat say anything else?
Neelix: Well he mentioned something about some Duke of Dork. does that
	mean anything to you?
Lister: (groans) He's been changed into Dwayne Dibbly.
Kryten: Again?
Janeway: Is that any cause for concern?

(Lister and Kryten look very worried. Cut to ships ext. Voyager over the
trenches of WWI, with the enormous five miles long Red Dwarf next to it.
Three Biplanes of the time can be seen coming towards them.)

Holodoc: Medical log. Despite several back issues of Playboy and other
	"Mens magazines", and even geting Spice Girl Geri to model nude
	in front of us, Mr Paris shows no signs of recovering his ability to
	appreciate beauty. I have now taken him to the holodeck to try to
	use a very desperate gamble.

(cut to holodeck. Paris sits on a filhty couch in a run down room
wearing a metalica T-shirt. Beavis and Butt head are also present.)

Paris: This sucks.
Beavis: Thats my line asewipe. (starts to fight Paris, who kicks his
	butt.)
Butt head: This is like... uh huh, cool.
Beavis: Ouch! You fart knocker. This sucks.
Paris: God I feel beter. Whats on TV?
TV: (Shows a video by some rapper no ones heard of, and proberly never
	will here of again.)
Beavis: This sucks. Change it.
TV: (Shows an old Boy George video.)
Butt head: Is that a babe?
Beavis: HEHEHEHE! Looks like it.
TV: I'm a man, without distinction.
Butt head: (right hand down pants) A WHAT?
Beavis: HEHEHE! You  fartknock- (they start to fight each other. Over
	the top of Paris.)
Paris: Hey! This sucks!
Butt head: Butt out.
Paris: (joins in the fight.) Take this you asswipe.

(cut to sick bay. The Spice girls are long gone so is Kes. Scully is
looking over the Cat. The Cat is dressed like a trainspotter. Rain coat,
brown nylon trousers, thermos at the ready. The Holodoc is bemused.)

Scully: Now this is weird. Wheres Spooky?
Holodoc: Who?
Scully: Mulder, my partner?
Holodoc: I don't know.
Cat: No, please. Someone shoot me. I don't want to be like this. I got
	teeth Druids could use as a place of worship.
Scully: calm down. We'll find a cure soon.
Cat: Calm down? How can I calm down when I'm the duke of dork? You
	never know when the next dorky thing is going to happen. (he
	flings his shoulders up into the air. The thermos goes flying,
	smashes on a console and all hell brakes lose.) See?
Holodoc: Well, some one is about to ask the immortatal phrase, what the-

(commercial break)

Tomorrow. A brand new chat/talk show with a brand new host.

(shot of Neelix with a microphone in an audience looking like he's
trying to make a point. You know just like all of the other shows that have
apeared since Oprah started the whole damned craze off.)

Neelix: But why can't people appreciate good cooking - Talaxian style?
	TO answer this we have Mr Tuvok.
Tuvok: Basically Talaxian food is crap.
Neelix: Whats wrong with eating crap? (show a prime example of
	Talaxian cra- food.)

(at this point the audience throws up.)

(end commercial break)

(cut to bridge. Janeway walks out of the conference room)

Janeway: -the hell?
Ensign: Weird shit captain. Weird shit.
Janeway: Oh, the usual.
Kim: Are we there yet?
Janeway: He's back to normal.
Chakotay: Damn it.
Torres: Captain, theres another temporal anomally just off the starboard
	bow.
Lister: You mean another orange swirlling thing?
Torrse: Yep, only this ones blue.
Janeway: Not the Sliders again?
Torres: It's something else entirly.
Tuvok: We are caught in some type of engery disturbance unlike anything
	I've ever seen before.
Torres: So is the Red Dwarf.
Janeway: What could have caused this?
Kryten: Dwayne Dibbly could have.
Janeway: It just hasn't been my day has it? Or week, month, or even my
	year.
Lister: (sings - tries to anyhow) I'll be there for you.
Chakotay: (knuckles whiten) HEY!
Lister: What?
Chakotay: (punches Lister out) No one makes a move on MY captain.

(Holodeck. The fight is over and Paris is feeling much better as a blue
orb comes in and hits him.)

Butt head: Hey, your hairline is, like... fading.
Paris: HEY!
Beavis: heheheehe!
Paris: Delete Butt head.
Butt head: No wait! This suc- (vanishes)
Beavis: Cool. Do it again.
Paris: Delete Beavis.
Beavis: heheheheh (starts to fade) cool- (vanishes)
Paris: Now that is cool.

(cut to Biplanes. The Blue swirling thing is sucking them in as well.)

Cancerman: What the hell is that thing doing here?
Flashheart: It's nearly big enough for me to fill it in If I was
	excitted. Ah WOOF! (sex thrust and the Biplane starts to wobble.)
Cancerman: Stop that. This plane isn't strong enough for that.
Flashheart: Sorry old bean. Nearly lost control of myself there. Ah
	WOOF! (plane starts to shake again)

(cut to Blackadder's plane.)

Baldrick: What is that?
Blackadder: I'm not sure, but it's taken over control of the plane.
Baldrick: Oh help me Captain. I don't want to die.
Blackadder: Calm down, Baldrick. Your not going to die.
Baldrick: Oh thank you sir.
Blackadder: Yet.

(Voyager's bridge.)

Tuvok: Captain, three Biplanes have become stuck in the anomoly with us.
Janeway: So?
Tuvok: Since we have no way of knowing where the anomoly will take us
	I believe it may be a good idea to beam them aboard the ship for
	their own protection.
Janeway: Why?
Tuvok: They have no life surport.
Janeway: So?
Tuvok: (trys again) Beaming them aboard would violate the prime
	directive.
Janeway: Good point. Transporter room, lock onto the people in those,
	those?
Tuvok: Biplanes.
Janeway: Biplanes, thank you.
Ensign insignificant: I can't get a clear lock on one of the people.
	Theres too much interferance.
Janeway: Try a skelatal lock.

(cut to Biplanes. Cancerman and Flahheart vanish. George and Darling
vanish. Blackadder vanishes. Baldrick fails to notice at first. Then he when
he does he panics.)

Baldrick: Oh heck. (he suffers from a lack of imagination.)

(cut to transporter room. Cancerman and co appear. The Ensign tries
again to retrive Baldrick.)

Cancerman: What the?
Ensign: Please try to stay calm.
Flashheart: How can I stay calm when theres a gal like you about? Ah
	WOOF!
Ensign: Wha?
Blackadder: Forget it. He suffers from a terminal obbsesion with himself
	and the opposite sex.
Flashheart: Thats because I've GOT the EQUIPMENT to handle anything.
	Ah WOOF! Would you like to see my TOOL? AH WOOF!
George: Gosh, where are we? Is this the blimp?
Ensign: Blimp?
Darling: What does this button do?
Ensign: Thats the comm system. Don't press the button.
Darling: (presses button) Hello? Can anyone here me?
Cancerman: (Levels a Magnum at the Ensign) Take me to your leader.

(Janeway is now in her ready room. Lister, Kryten, Rimmer and Chakotay
are also there.)

Darling's voice\comm: Hello? Can anyone here me?
Chakotay: Who the hell was that?
Janeway: (oblvious to Darling's voice) look. I'll tell you both at the
	same time. I'm already involved with someone at home. I don't
	want another relationship.
Chakotay: (bows his head)
Lister: Sorry man.
Janeway: Now, while we wait for the anomaly to finish it's job of being
	a plot device, I'm going to talk to Proffesor Leonardo De Artouro.
Kryten: Excuse me?
Janeway: (relise's her boo boo.) Er.. Forget I spoke.
Kryten: Oh.
Torres voice\com: Captain, the anomoly has us traverling towards it at a
	rate of twice our normal impulse speed.
Janeway: (forgets about De Vincie) What about the Biplanes? Did we get
	those people off them?
Torres: All but one of them.
Janeway: Oh well. How are our new guests?
Torres: One of them has a late tweentith centuary gun pointed at an
	ensign.
Janeway: What? We're in the early twentith centuary. Must be a dammed
	error the writter made. Dammit.
Torres: Captain, we've cleared the anomoly, we've came out into space.
	Alpha quardrent.
Janeway: what year?
Torres: Unknown, but theres a space station up ahead.
Lister: what about the Dwarf?
Torres: The what?
Lister: My ship.
Torres: Oh, yeah. That came too.
Janeway: We're coming B'Ellana. Full report as soon as I'm on the
	bridge.

(Janeway leaves her ready room with Chakotay and the Dwarfers in tow.
They enter the bridge and look at the monitor.)

Janeway: I don't regonise that. It's not a starfleet design. Mr Lister?
Lister: Never seen anything like that.
Tuvok: If I may Captain. 
Janeway: Of course Tuvok. Your interuptions are generaly quite incitful.
Tuvok: My sensor readings indicate that it is five miles long, has
	rotating sections to provide gravity, and has several alien races
	we've never seen before.
Janeway: No change there then. i mean, we are supposed to be doing that
	on this show.
Tuvok: However it would appear our warp drive is out.
Torres: Not again.
Kim: We are being hailed.
Janeway: On screen.

(Paris enters the bridge in uniform and takes over the conn. As he does
Ivonava appears on screen. Scully then enters.)

Ivonava: Babylon 5 to - not you lot again.
Janeway: Do I know you?
Ivonava: Rember Space: Behind and between?
Janeway: The story this parody is a sequel to of it's unofficial sequel?
Ivonava: Thats the one.
Janeway: Can I speak to your supperior please?
Ivonava: He's not in. He disspaeared with the White Star and his wife
	awhile back and we haven't seen him since.
Janeway: Now that weird.
Ivonava: I'll say. His wife is supposed to be dead. And to top it off
	our security chief has gone awol.
Scully: This case gets weirder and weirder. Spooky where are you?
Entire crew: SPOOKY?
Scully: Mulder, my partner.
Chakotay: Your partner is missing?
Scully: He went to deal with the fuel line in Starbug. Oh my god.
Entire cast: WHAT?
Scully: Starbug blew up.
Chakotay: I'll find him. (leaves.)
Ivonava: We intercepted what seemed to be three Biplanes. With one
	pilot. Somehow he's still alive.
Janeway: Good lord.
Blackadder: No.More likely he was spawned by Satan himself.
Janeway: Who are you? What are you doing here? And how long have you
	been there?
Blackadder: Edmund Blackadder. I don't know, I was piloting a Biplane,
	then I was here or rather that strange room with all the
	multicoloured lights. And I left that strange room and stood here
	for the past (looks at watch) ohh, five minutes.
Janeway: who was the man we didn't beam up?
Blackadder: Beam up? Oh thats what's it's called. Baldrick. Doesn't
	matter unless your interested in using him for chemical warfare. In
	which case, tough.
Janeway: Oh. It's just somehow he survived the vacum of space.
Blackadder: Space? Oh well. This would happen to me. Why are you all
	wearing pyjammas?
Ivonava: Blackadder?
Blackadder: Yes. Why?
Ivonava: Oh nothing. Forget I spoke.
Blackadder: (sharp sarcasm) I will.

(Cancerman and the others arives on the bridge. Scully leaps to her
feet.)

Scully: CANCERMAN!!
Cancerman: Oh no. Not you.

(Kes and the Spice Girls enter the bridge. Sporty spice starts doing
back flips all over the place and Scarry Spice sticks her pierced tongue out
a Tuvok. Sporty lands on Tuvoks console and the main phasers fire
indiscrimatley at various ships but thankfully miss. Everybody looks at
Kes.)

Janeway: What have you done to yourself Kes?

(Kes has dyed her hair red, has her nose pierced and is wearing a skin
tight black dress. She sticks her tongue out. It's been pierced as well.)

Flashheart: (looks at all the women) Wow. Looks like my equipment is
	going to get a good workout. Ah WOOF! (the spice girls beat the
	crap out of Flashheart.)
George: (watching wide eyed as Flashheart gets the shit slapped out of
	him.) Gosh.

Looks like thing are comming full circle. Was that really a temporal
annomally or just a crapy plot device. Will Flashheart seduce all the
Women or will he wind up like John Wayne Bobbit? Will Blackadder and
Co discover what happened to them in the big push? Will I keep this
parody under control? Why is Kes so hard to write for? Does anyone care
since she's leaving the show?



Part 4 Confessions of a cigeratte smoking man.
By David "burn all copies of Batman and Robin" Hopper.

In our last episode Cancerman and his group of (inadequite morons)
soliders, managed to get beamed aboared the Voyager as another anomolly
opened up and pulled Red Dwarf and Voyager into it and deposited it
outside Babylon 5 (authors forenote. This is set before Babylon 5 season
4.). Cancerman is now about to do (BANG!!) (Cancerman blasts away
narrotor.)

Cancerman: (levels his gun at everyone) Alright. I'm taking over this
	ship.
Janeway: WHAT?
Cancerman: Are you deaf? I said I'm taking over the ship. Why are you
	only wearing a tank top?
Janeway: (looks at tank top) Opps, forgot the uniform.
Scully: Why you black lunged SOB.
Cancerman: Silence. You smoke as well.
Scully: So?
Paris: Don't you people know how bad it is for you? I hate people who
	smoke.
Janeway: Thats not what you said on the swamp planet.
Paris: I wasn't myself then. I don't know what came in to me.
Janeway: Well, I know what came into me.
Paris: (blushes and then gets back to piloting the ship.)
Lister: Who is this geek.
Blackadder: My commander.
Scully: Now listen Blackadder, that has to be BULL. He's my boss, kinda.
Janeway: Blackadder? Why is that name familar?
Blackadder: My family name is reknown through history.
Janeway: Well, I'll have to check up on it later. Tuvok. Deal with the
	Cancerman.
Cancerman: Come anywhere near me and I'll shot you, you pointy eared
	freak.
Scully: He's no freak.
Tuvok: Thank you.
Scully: It's just a load of makeup.
Tuvok: (rolls eyes heavenwards)
Cancerman: I'm warning you. Back off.
George: Come on Bladder. We must help our C.O. It's our christian duty.
Ivonava: Christians? Weapon control, lock all weapons and FIRE!!
	(Ivonava's a Jew remeber?)
Kim: Does she remind you of Major Kira when she's really pissed?
Janeway: RIGHT! Thats it young man, your allowance is stopped.
Kim: Aww man.
Cancerman: Hold it there pal.
Tuvok: Logical it would be wise to hand me that weapon before I have to
	hurt you.
Cancerman: OH yeah? (an Ensign is sneaking up behind him)
Tuvok: Yeah.
Cancerman: Oh yeah? (the Ensign steps on a squeky floorboard.
	Cancerman whirls around and blasts the Ensign with his gun.
	Tuvok takes the oppertunity to nerve pinche Cancerman.)
Tuvok: Good work Ensign doomed.
Ensign: Thank you si- (dies.)
Kim: Another one bites the dust.
Janeway: Harry. Shut it.
Lister: What the smeg is going on?
Ivonava: I sometimes wonder myself.
Kim: Shouldn't you be mercilessy blasting us out of the sky?
Janeway: Harry! Shut up.
Ivonava: Oh yeah. Thanks kid. FIRE!

(Babylon 5 starts to kick Voyagers butt. Cut to Chakotay's quarters.
Chakotay is performing a stupid ritual on Mulders unconcous body, which
is lying on a load of straw.)

Chakotay: (rambles on about an old Indiai native American legend, and
	notes that he needs a white buffalo to complete everything.)
	Neelix. He's bound to have one. (the ship starts to shake rattle and
	roll.) Better make this fast before he goes to the bridge and tries to
	help encourage people to work. (leaves quarters. Mulders phone
	starts to ring.)

(cut to space battle. Babylon 5 and several of it's protection vessels
are fireing without mercy at Voyager. Who's shields manage to protect it
from every blast.)

Tuvok: It's a dammed good thing we upgraded those shields with those
	supercharged invenurability generators drives systems.
Kim: You mean the new energiser batteries we put in?
Tuvok: WHAT?
Scully: (explaining to Lister and Janeway about Cancerman.) He's sort of
	our boss.
Janeway: Sort of?
Scully: Yeah. But I don't know his name or what department he's in.
Lister: For all you know he could be a janitor.
Janeway: Like your "Captain" Rimmer?
Lister: He didn't try that one again did he? OH man.
Tuvok: Captain, Babylon 5 has ceased fire and surrendered.
Janeway: What?
Kim: We are being hailed.

(The General appears on the viewscreans.)

General: Ah Blackadder it is you.
Blackadder: Sir? But how? We heard you were dead.
General: Perhaps this lady ought to explain.
Delean: Blackadder, you have a hole in your head.
Blackadder: And you have a bone on the back of yours.
Delean: That is because I am a Minbarri.
Blackadder: A what?
Delean: A race of aliens. We have a large empire.
Blackadder: And does everyone else in this empire wear cardigans?
Delean: I can have several ships start firing at you again if you don't
	shut up.
Janeway: Why did Babylon 5 surrneder?
General: Because I outrank everyone here.
Janeway: But your from a different timezone.
General: SO? I still outrank everyone else, and when I heared Blackadder
	was on board. Well I coudln't alow one of my best men to be
	blown to smitherens.
Blackadder: (quietly) Never stopped you before.
Darling: Thank god your alive sir.
Genral: IS he still alive? Good grief. I was sure he'd be cannon fodder
	in the first few minutes. Well done that man. More work on the
	front for you.
Darling: (brakes down in tears)
George: But how are you here sir?
General: Well it's a long story.
Janeway: This is a long parody.
General: Thats OK then. You can dock with Babylon 5 in a few minutes
	and I'll explain it all to you.

(cut to the slaughter house - er mess hall. Chakotay is talking to
Neelix. Paris, Kim, Blackadder, George and Darling walk in.)

Neelix: Sorry, but I don't even know what a buffalo is, let alone have a
	spare one on me.
Chakotay: Tom, do you know where I can get a buffalo?
Paris: God, your not that desperite are you?
Chakotay: Huh?
Paris: Never mind. Have you tried the holodeck?
Chakotay: Why didn't I think of that? (starts to leave.)
Neelix: Have you tried my new recipe for tea? (Chakotay increase his
	pace)
Paris: I'll give it a go.
Kim: Me too.
Neelix: And for our guests?
Blackadder: Go on. Three cups for us. (to George) Has to be better then
	Baldricks tea.

(Neelix serves five teas. Darling takes a sip and spits it out.)

Darling: God that was foul.
Paris: YEUCK! Thats worse then usual.
Kim: Ugh.
Darling: It's like that tea you served me back at your dugout,
	Blackadder.
Blackadder: (looks at his cup.) Where did you get the recipe from?
Neelix: From my new friend.
Baldrick: Hello Captain B.
Blackadder: Oh god. Let me guess. You followed his subsituting recipe?
Neelix: Oh yes. Great recycling. I never knew Earth had people like that
	in it's past. For some reason theres no one like Mr Baldrick these
	days.
Blackadder: Yes thats through the miracles of casteration. Tell me. What
	exactly did you use to replace the ingrediants?
Neelix: Oh I used the recommened replacements.
Blackadder: From Baldrick?
Neelix: Oh no. I have standards here. How do you think people would
	react to knowing they were drinking something prepared by him?
Blackadder: Well, they might die from shock. Well, what did you use
	then? For  suger?
Neelix: My dandruff.
Paris: Huh? How can you have dandruff? You have hardly any hair.
Neelix: And yours is going the same way.
Paris: HEY!
Blackadder: And for milk?
Neelix: Spit and White.
Blackadder: White?
Kim: Thats the drug the Jem'hadar are addicted to.
Paris: (gives the cup of tea a very serious look.)
Blackadder: And the brown flakey bits?

(cut to space. As Voyager flys by, we hear gaging noises and people
being sick. Cut to holodeck. Chakotay and Mulders unconcus body -now
with various painted figures on it- is lying on another bed of straw. A
white buffalo is standing nearby. Theres a large pile of crap nearby it.)

Chakotay: (holding his nose.) I never knew they smelt that bad when they
	did that.

(cut to mess hall. And it's living up to it's name. Theres sick all over
the place.)

Neelix: Ahh. I can make a brillant casserol out of all of this. (people
	throw up even more.)
Janeway voice/com: Janeway to Paris. We need you on the bridge.
Paris: Coming sir, Ma'am, what ever. (leaves clucthing his mouth and
	stomach.)

(Paris arrives on the bridge.)

Janeway: Ah glad to see you made it Tom. How do you feel? you look a
	little off colour.
Paris: I've just been introduced to the worst tea in the universe.
Janeay: Earl grey? Oh well. We need your piloting skills for this. They
	have a strange docking system. The transporters are out and I want
	to dock the entire ship.
Paris: (smiles. Confidence returns to his face.) Aye sir.

(Voyager approches the docking area of Babylon 5. Paris adjusts the ship
to match the rotating section and pilots it in slowly.)

Paris: No tractor beam, no landing guide. The docking bay rotates.
	Jezze, why do they have to make things so difficult?

( A loud scraping noise is heard as the left warp nacile clips the
docking bay wall. A docking claw grabs Voyager and offloads it. Inside
the arriveal area. The General, Ivonava, Delean, Marcus and Linear are
waiting.)

(insert commmercial break.)

If you thought it was bad when Sliders ripped off Anoconda, Twister and
so on, wait untill you see what happens when they rip off, THEM
SELVES.

Quin: Five secounds untill we slide.
Arturo: Does this seem familar to you?
Wade: No.

And next week they rip of, STAR TREK.

(cut to the team leaving DS9 in a runabout.)

Rembrant: How long untill we slide to the Delta quad?
Wade: It's the gamma quad you git.
Maggie: Something's wrong.
Wade: Yeah, your here. (catfight ensures. Quin and Remy drool as the
	camera concentrates on Maggie's, erm, asset's, and fail to notice the
	wormhole open and suck them into another diemension..)

Will life ever be the same again? Properly.

(end commercial break.)

Paris: Why do you have to make things so difficult?
Ivonava: What?
Paris: You know what I mean.
Ivonava: You've lost me.
Paris: You'r docking procedure stinks.
Ivonava: Well, it's the best we can do.
Paris: Haven't you heard of tractor beams? Landing guides?
Ivonava: A What?
Paris: I mean the least you could have done was not rotate the damm
	thing. What do you mean what?
Ivonava: Whats a tractor beam?
Paris: It pulls things around. Man, are you stupid.
Marcus: Watch it mate.
Janeway: ENOUGH!!!
Paris: Sorry Captain.
Ivonava: Sorry Captain.
Marcus: Sorry Captain.
Janeway: Be quiet you fools.
Lister: Smeg, this place is as big as cats wadrobe when it's empty.
Chakotay: How is that self centred bastard?
Lister: He wouldn't leave the ship looking like that.
Linear: Like what?
Lister: Believe me, you don't want to know.
Janeway: Well commander. Could you tell me whats going on here?
Chakotay: Well-
Janeway: NOT YOU! (to Ivonava) You.
Ivonava: Yes Ma'am.
Janeway:Don't call me Ma'am.
Ivonava: Yes sir!
Janeway: Or that either.
Ivonava: Then what?
Janeway: Captain.
General: Look I'll tell you whats going on. We are going to beat these
	shadows, thats what. With these ships, and my tactics-
Blackadder: (quietly) What tactics?
General: We should have this war over and done with before Sinclair
	comes home.
Ivonava: Sheridan.
Gerneral: Whatever.
Janeway: Theres been nothing strange going on here, has there?
Marcus: Good god no. I mean, we'v only had a war to fight with an
	ancient enemy, and we've been cut off from our own homeplannet
	whos turnned against us and declared us traitors. The Captains
	gone missing and the security chief is AWOL. No, just a usual day.
Janeway: God I wish I had it as easy as you lot.
Ivonava: Huh?
Janeway: May I introduce my staff? First my first officer, commander
	Chakotay, a native American. Security chief, Lt Tuvok, a Vulcan.
	Chief engerneer, B'Ellanna Torres, half Klingon. Flight officer,
	Thomas Eugine Paris (Marcus snickers) Stop looking at Torres,
	Tom. The Holographic doctor. Resident dunce, Harry Kim.
	(everybody steps back in disgust because Kim is picking his nose.)
	HARRY! Medical assistant Kes, Occampa. And Neelix, who the
	least said about the better.
Neelix: Hey.
Tuvok: Shut it, Pixie boy.
Ivonava: Well, I haven't brought all my staff. In fact I seem to have
	forgotten them. One moment please. (she walks away and turns her
	back to the cast. She can be heared barking instructions into her
	hand thingie.)
Marcus: Who are they?
Paris: Hmm? Oh their the Spice girls.
Marcus: Oh, thought they were dead.
Paris: Temporal annomly brought us all our guest.
Linear: Including Felix?
Paris: You mean Neelix?
Linear: Is that his name? Damm these ears of mine.
Paris: He's part of the crew, kinda. We picked him up along the way.
Marcus: Like us really.
Linear: Yeah.
Ivonava: Well, Franklin and Zack are on their way to the captains
	office. Lets go there.
Janeway: Why should we go there?
Ivonava: Because he has cable TV in there, and it's it's lady night on
	the adult channel.
Janeway: Lets go.

(cut to Sheridans office. The women are watching the TV. Delean and
Torres are paying particular attention to the bit's where the models have
rolled up socks in their pants.)

General: I must say this is disgusting.
Blackadder: And for once I must agree with you.
Linear: Did we ever finish the introductions?
Kryten: No, we didn't. I'm Kryten.
Marcus: Series four thousand?
Kryten: Thats right. How did you know?
Marcus: I watch Red Dwarf when I'm in the UK.
Rimmer: How often is that?
Marcus: Not very. Just when I need my mum to clean my underware.
Everyone: ewwww.
Kryten: I can clean them for you now if you like.
Marcus: It wouldn't be the same.
Kryten: Oh well. The guy you can put your hand through is Rimmer.
	(demonstrates.)
Rimmer: Oi.
Marcus: Clever.
Kryten: The man with comander Chakotay is Dave Lister.

(Lister and Chakotay are slouched beside's each other with a glass full
of larger each.)

Blackadder: This is captain Flasheart, Lt George something or other and
	the very private Baldrick. And I am Captain Edmund Blackadder.
Linear: Jezze, theres a lot of captains going about.
Darling: What about me? What about me?
Blackadder: Oh, and Captain Kevin Darling. I must say if your going to
	follow the genrals advice, your doomed to failure. And death.
Marcus: His plans were identicle to ours. Go and attack them with guns
	blazing.
Blackadder: While he sits at home with his feet up? Yes. Sound right.
Marcus: Aren't you Mr Bean.
Blackadder: NO I AM NOT!!! Who are you anyway?
Marcus: Well, thats commander Ivonava, the Mimbari women with the jet
	black hair is Delean, this is Linear, and I'm Marcus Cole.
Paris: Marcus? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHA! HAHAHAHAHA!
Marcus: It's better then Eugine.
Paris: But I don't have to tell everyone that when I introduce myself.
	You have to admit to having a crappy first name.
Marcus: (Pulls out his stick) You want to apoligies matey?
Rimmer: Where the smeg did that come from?
Paris: (looks coy) just try it.

(Marcus attacks Paris with his stick. B'Ellanna jumps in and brakes the
staff.)

Marcus: Oi. It's take forever to get these things from mail order.
Linear: Lets get them anyhow. (kicks Paris out with a very accrobatic
	kick, not unlike the one he used in that bar fight he got into with
	Londo. Sporty spice jumps in and she and Linear start fighting
	each other.)
Janeway: Take it outside you two. (they do.)
Marcus: (To B'Ellanna) How about a date?
Torres: Sure why not? (they go off arm in arm.)
Janeway: Look, we have a prisoner to interigate. Agent Scully from the
	FBI is trying to get some answers from him in our brig, but I don't
	think she can get him to brake. Can we use yours?
Ivonava: Sure. We have very good interigators here. Or we did till
	Garibaldie went missing.

(Zack walks in. Followed by Franklin whose hands are covered in blood.)

Ivonava: This is all of the main charoctors that are members of staff
	that are left. Took your time.
Franklin: I was in the middle of an operation.
Holodoc: Do you people use stiches and scapels and primitive equipment
	like that?
Franklin: It's all we've got. This place was still under construction
	when it came on line.
Holodoc: And now?
Franklin: We had our supplies cut off.
Janeway: Don't you people have replicators?
Franklin: repli whats?
Holodoc: Forget it.

(Interigation room 45. Janeway, Ivonava, Scully and Zack are
interigating Cancerman.)

Janeway: Tell us what we want to know.
Cancerman: Never. (drags heaverly on a cigerate.)
Ivonava:This is a no smoking room.
Cancerman: What you gonna do? Arrest me for smoking?
Ivonava: Yes. Tell me or I'll have you thrown out an airlock.
Cancerman: Yeah right.
Scully: Talk to us you black lunged bastard.
Zack: want me to get rough on him?
Cancerman: You think someone who was on Taxi can scare me?
Ivonava: What will it take to get this grey haired git to talk?
Cancerman: You'll never know.
Ivonava: I know. Tell us what we want to know or-
Cancerman: Or what?
Ivonava: (holds up a portable TV.) We'll force you watch Barney every
	morning.
Cancerman: Aiiiieeee! Mercy, anything but that.
Zack: what about listening to an Oasis single?
Cancerman: No please.
Scully: Followed up by playing lot's of Hanson.
Cancerman: Noooo!
Janeway: And maybe watch StarTrek 5 a few times.
Cancerman: Alright, alright, alright. I'll talk.
(everyone smiles at each other.)
Janeway: What were you doing in the wrong time period?
Scully: We have not travelled back and forth in time. It's impossible.
Janeweay: Under normal circumstances, yes. But then I'm a starfleet
	officer, this happens to me ever other Tuesday. And this is a
	parody.
Scully: That explains it.
Cancerman: Oi, are you listing to me?
Janeway: Sorry.
Scully: Sorry.
Canceramn: During the last parody I was abducted by that Q guy, and
	dumped in some backwater village, where the scriptwriter lives. He
	suggested to Q that he dump me in the most dangerous part of
	Newcastle, which he did. And  for a while it looked like I was
	doomed. Untill these shadows offered me a way out. I would
	travel back in time and prevent a major screwup in the timeline
	from happerning. This would give the shadows a major advantage
	in their war against you.
Scully: Thats the biggest load of bull I've ever heard.
Janeway: Quiet. It's intierly veasable in this kind of show. What was
	the screwup?
Cancerman: You lot coming back in time.

(errie music plays and we are treated to an extreme close up of, Maggies
breasts. Ooppps. Wrong show.....)

Janeway: You mean we caused the screwup?
Cancerman: Yeah, and now I can't get back home.
Ivonava: Wait. You'r telling me you were willing to give our enemies a
	tacticle advantage, just to save your own butt?
Cancerman: Yup.
Ivonava: You BASTARD!
Lt voice\com: Commander, we are picking up a Psicorp star furry coming
	into range.
Ivonava: Bester? Shit! Thats all I need today. Right leave him here and
	turn on Barney.
Cancerman: Wait. That was a threat to make me co-operate, and I did.
Ivonava: Yeah, but after what you did. You deserve it.

(the good guy's leave, Zack turns on the TV and runs. As the intro music
starts up Cancerman breaks down into tears.)

(insert commercial break.)

The BBC are now proudly selling they latest pre school education
programe to other countries. The BBC's answer to Barney.
Teletubies! Yes, now you too can follow the adventures of the strange
little pixie/aliens with tv antenaes on their heads, that speak in a way not
even five year olds understand.

Parent #1: Oh god. Do they searously call this educational?
Parent #2: How are kids supposed to learn anything from watching this? I
	mean today's adventure, they go to see how cheese is made.
Parent #1: So?
Parent #2: By a well endowed women?
Father: Well, thats educational.

(parent 1+2 start to kick the crap out of him.)

Yes the show where the Beeb replaced one of the characters because he
appealed to the gay community. Well, they shouldn't have let him carry
that handbag should they? Teletubies, coming to the USA soon. (this isn't
a joke. Sorry, but if you thought Barney was bad, wait untill you see this
load of crap. All 250 episodes.)

(end commercial break.)

(Ivonava, Scully, Janeway and Zack are in the waiting room bit. Bester
walks up to them. Janeway gives him a very strange look.)

Ivonava: Make this good Bester.
Bester: You have some telepaths running around here.
Ivonava: We broke free from Earth, or did you forget? You have no
	autority here.
Bester: Nevertheless, I must determin what level Psi's they are.
Ivonava: Why?
Bester: Plot development.
Ivonava: Damnit.
Bester: Who are you?
Scully: Agant Dana Scully, FBI.
Janeway: Captain Cathrine Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager.
Zack: Zack, 2nd in charge of secur-
Bester: I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! What are you looking at captain?
Janeway: Do I know you?
Bester: NO!
Janeway: I'm sure I've seen your face somewhere.
Bester: Shut it.
Janeway: Say a long sentince. Didn't you used to be Russian?
Bester: No.
Janeway: Come on. say something.
Bester: No Keptain, I vill no- DAMNIT!!
Janeway: I knew I knew your face. What are you doing here?
Bester: Shhh.
Janeway: (gives The Look.)
Bester: Arrgh. NO! Anything but the look. Not even a P23 could resist
	that.
Janeway: Tell me.
Bestar: Alright. The pays better.
Janeway: Oh, well thats alright then.

(cut to interigation room 44. Tuvok and Kes, are now there. Janeway,
Ivonava, Scully, Zack and Checko- I mean Bester, enter the room.)

Tuvok: (to Bester) DO I know you?
Bester: Don't start that again.
Tuvok: I do know you. Captain Sulu introduced us to each other on the
	Excelsior.
Bester: I'm a different charactor you fool.
Kes:(still looking like all 5 spice girls rolled into one.) What are we
	doing here?
Bester: I am going to dittermin how powerfull you are as telepath's.
Tuvok: All Vulcan's are latent telepaths.
Kes: I've been able to set plants on fire.
Bester: huh?
Kes: It was neat.
Bester: Shut up. (mindblasts Kes.)
Kes: OW! Hey, that hurt.
Bester: Tough.
Kes: I'll show you.

(Janeway and Tuvok jump under the table and pull Zack and Ivonava
under the table. Scully stands next to Bester and they both get mindblasted
by Kes.)

Scully: OW! What the fu-
Bester: Arrrgh. She's a p19.
Scully: In English.
Bester: It means she's a very powerfull telepath.
Scully: Don't-
Bester: I'm not bullshiting you.
Scully: Oh don't expect me to fall for that mindreading crap.
Janeway: Kes, stop it.
Kes: Aye Captain.

(Scully and Bester fall to the ground.)

Scully: Theres no way that had anything to do with telepathy. Theres no
	scientific eviedence to surport it's existence at all.
Janeway: But you've just been exposed to an enormusly large telepathic
	attack.
Scully: It was obviously a mass hypnosis of some kind, creating
	delusions of-.
All:OH SHUT IT, YOU BITCH!!
Scully: Jesus.
Jesus: Yes?
Scully: Not you.
Jesus: Oh.
Bester: I'm wery sowwy, but- (pauses. Replays the last few words in his
	head.) I'm very sorry, but they (points at Kes and Tuvok.) Will
	have to stay in jail untill you leave.
Tuvok: But I haven't done anything.
Bester: I know, but as her teacher (points to Kes.) you are responsible
	for her.
Tuvok: Damn, busted.

(cut to Sheridan's office. Paris, Chakotay and Lister are at the table
drinking larger and eating a suspisous looking brown liquid type thing
from a tin foil box.)

Paris: What did you say this was?
Lister: Chicken Vindaloo sauce.
Chakotay: I don't get it. Why doesn't she like me?
Lister: Who?
Chakotay: Cathrine.
Lister: Cathy? I dunno. But I like her too, you know what I mean? But
	she only seems to use me for getting cigerates and now, weapons.
Paris: Oh boy.
Lister: What?
Paris: We just ran over our page limit for this episode.
Chakotay: Oh damnit. Now what?

End of part four.
What will hapen to our heroes? Why does Blackadder always insult
people? Why does Ivonava and Kira always want to attack
EVERYTHING IN SIGHT? why is Harry such a pain in the butt?
Why am I reusing that old plot device from series 3 of the X-files?
And who thinks Baldrick and Neelix are made for each other?

Part five.
By David "keep it original" Hopper.

In the last episode Bester appeared and caused a major headache for the
Trek characters. Bester then locked Tuvok and Kes up because of their
telepathic abilities. Meanwhile Paris is looking for Torres.

(The Spice girls are natering away to each other in a corner. Paris
aproches them.)

Paris: Have you seen Torres?
Posh: No.
Scarry: No, I haven't. But why don't you forget her and come and see me?
Paris: Errr.
Emma: Hey Mel,
Scarry + Sporty: What?
Emma: Damnit. Mel C.
Sporty: What?
Emma: Do a back flip.
Sporty: Alright. (back flips over a few chairs, tables, bodies even.
	Everyone cheers.)
Ginger: Go girl.
Paris: So has anyone seen Torres?
Sporty: (slightly out of breath) Yeah, she and Marcus are having a
	double date with me and Linear.
Paris: SHE'S WHAT?!!!
Sporty: She's-
Paris: I heared.
Scarry: She's got,
All Spice Girls: GIRL POWER!!! (and at this all hell brakes lose. The
	room is wrecked in five minutes.)
Ginger + Scarry: Girl power!
Posh + Emma: Shopping.
Sporty: Liverpool.
Lister: Liverpool?
Sporty: Yeah. Wait a sec, that accent.
Lister: I'm from liverpool.
Sporty: Me too.
Ginger: Two scousers in the same room? right, you know the drill. (the
	spice girls punch Lister out and drag Sporty out the room.)
Paris: So where did you say B'Ellana was?

(cut to the med lab. Franklin, the Holodoc, Kryten and Kes (still
dressed as a spice girl) are looking over Dwayne Dibbly)

Holodoc: I thought you said anyone who had their emotions stolen from
	them would have them returned once the creature was dead?
Kryten: well, they have in the past.
Kes: How many Polymorphs have you meet?
Kryten: Strickly speaking? Erm, one.
Franklin: Let me get this straight. You've encountered one?
Kryten: Yes.
Franklin, and it stole the emotions from you all?
Kryten: Yes.
Franklin: And you got them back?
Kryten: After we blew the smeg out of it.
Franklin: And if you encountered only one of them, how do you know that
	it wasn't a defective one?
Kryten: You mean it might not have been designed to release the
	emotions?
Franklin: Exactly.
Kryten: Well, there was the Emouhawk we ran into. We had to extract the
	emotions from it's DNA. and it did turn Mr Cat into Dwayne Dibbly 
	the last time.
Cat: Oh god no!
Holodoc: Emouhawk?
Kryten: Yes, it was a type of polymorph used by the GELF's, for hunting
	and entertainment.
Kes: Entermainment? You mean fighting?
Kryten: No, the Emouhawk's and polymorphs can shapeshift. They generaly
	entertain the GELF's by changing into Lava lamps.
Franklin: That is sad.
Kryten: Wait a second. Miss Kes, weren't you arrested?
Kes: I'm a psychic image, yeah a psychic image.
Holodoc: Could the polymorph have given birth to another polymorph?
Kryten: Well, one did in the Red Dwarf books, but the books are set in
	an alternative universe.
Kes: How do you know that?
Kryten: Because very little that happens in them matches up with our TV
	adventures.
Kes: Oh.
Franklin: Well, I think it must have given birth and used that last
	emotion for food for the baby.
Holodoc: What emotions is Mr Cat missing?
Kryten: Engaging speed mode.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
XXXXXXWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Franklin: What the hell was that?
Kryten: Well, in english it would take me five hours to tell you. 
Kes: Couldn't you have given us the quick way?
Kryten: That was the quick way.
Holodoc: Ah, could you just the list the most important ones to his
	personality?
Kryten: I could try.

(cut to a dark, danky and dangerous sction of the station. Harry, George
and Baldrick are there. various riff raft and scum are giving them funny 
looks.)

George: Just like the trench's.
Baldrick: Only theres less rats.
Kim: Are we there yet?
George: How come we got stuck with Charlie?
Baldrick: I dunnoe. Captain Blackadder said to go with him as he had our
	kind of mentality.
George: Ahh. Right. (they walk further down the coridoor. The scum are
	looking like their about to declare open season.) Baldrick? Whats 
	mentality?
Baldrick: I dunnoe.
George: Oh, right.
Mugger: (cockney accent) Going somewhere?
George: Yes, down this coridoor, actualy.
Mugger: is tha't a fact, like?
George: Yes.
Mugger: Well, you'll have to do us a favour. We've gort food, but we
	need someone to cook it, like.
Harry: Neelix could cook it.
Mugger: No thank's. We've heared of him, and hi's cooking.
Baldrick: I could cook it.
Mugger: OK, but we need, like, entert'ainment. A song or sumt'ing.
George: Well, I can sing. The cambridge university rowing song.
Mugger: Row row row your boat?
George: you know it?
Mugger: I's went to c'mbridge.
George: Well, what about two old Cambridge boys sing the song, eh?
Mugger: Cor, luv a duck.
George+Mugger: Row row row your boat,
 	gently down the stream,
 	belt off pants down,
 	life is but a dream. AHHH!!(sex thrust.)

(and at that, a comercial break interupts.)

Intergaltic Wrestling Federation, latest match up.  For the title of 
hardest maniacs, Darth Vader and Boba Fett Vs Worf and Chewbacca.

(cut to Worf beating the crap out of Fett. Darth Vader hits Worf causing
Chewie to go mad. The Ref stops Chewie getting in the ring, at which point 
Vader starts to force choke Worf.)

Worf: You, gag,have.......no....honour....gag. (Fett performs a wedgie
	suplex on worf. At which point Dax comes running on to help him.)

And in our other line up. The best space station CO. John Sheridan Vs
Benjamin Sisko. Referied by Jeffery Sinclair.

(end comercial break.)

(Blackadder, the General, Janeway, Lister and Ivonava are in Sheriadans
office.)

Blackadder: So, this is the future? Very nice.
General: This is obviously the room of a great military mind.
Ivonava: Yeah, right.
Lister: Bit posh isn't it?
Janeway: It's very large. But why doesn't he have a door?
Ivonava: Errrrrrr?
General: Damn fine collection of wines I say.
Blackadder: (quietly) You would.
General: What?
Blackadder: I said "sounds good."
General: Ahh.
Lister: (starts to fiddle with the tv. All the channels except INN are
	blocked.) Hey the chanels are all blocked. Except the news channels.
Janeway: Typical.
Lister: It's about you.
Ivonava: Damn. Ignore it, it's propaganda.
Newsreader: And more news about the disgracefully situation onboard the
	rebel station Bablyon 5.
Janeway: Rebel?
Ivonava: It's a long story.
Janeway: It always is.

(later that night. In the security office. Zack is siting down with
Baldrick, George and Harry.)

Zack: OK. Let me see if I've got this right. This man-
George: From Cambridge.
Zack: From Cambridge. Jumped you, made you sign the Cambridge rowing
	song.
George: Row row row your boat.
Zack: (anoyed) Row... row... row... your boat. And then Baldrick, cooked
	them diner?
Harry: Yup.
Zack: (looks at him in anoyance.) Shut it kid. And now all the med labs
	are filled with about half of the occupants from that section of 
	down below? What did you cook?
Baldrick: Rat.
Zack: Rat? How did you find a rat on this station.
Baldrick: It wasn't on the station.
Zack: Oh yeah? Then where was it then? Where did it come from?
Baldrick: The trenches.
Zack: The trenches. Fine, yes, that makes sense. How did you get it in
	here?
Baldrick: What do you think these satchels are far. (points at the half
	dozen bags around his body)
George: We all had it. The rat that is.
Zack: How come you lot aren't sufering then if you ate it?
Harry: I'm used to Neelix's food.
George: And I'm used to Baldricks.
Baldrick: And I'm used to rat.
Zack: Uh huh. And I used to having G'Kar break into the chiefs quarters
	and trying on his clothes. But I've never heared anything like 
	this. Alright, you can go. (looks at his paperwork then looks up at 
	them when he relise's their still there.) I said you can go.
George: Well, yes. But Baldrick has a request.
Zack: (breathes out) What?
Baldrick: I want to become a secrity officer.
Zack: (can't quite believehis ears.) What? Why?
Baldrick: Well, it's just that I can't see how we can get home so I want
	to stay here and have a job of some sort.
Zack: OK I'll get the form. (looks at George) Would you stay and help
	him with the forms?

(meanwhile in C&C.; Marcus is looking out into space. When all of a
sudden.)

Marcus: What is that?
Crew man: Temporal annomally causing an exit gateway to form. with that
	thing in it. Marcus: Great, someone tell Ivonava.

(Ivonava, Janeway and Lister enter. Lister is looking at Janeway's, er,
behind.)

Ivonava: What is that?
Janeway: (slaps her head in disbelief.)
Marcus: It just appeared out of the jumpgate.
Janeway: It was that jumpgate that brought us here.
Ivonava: Scuze me?
Lister: That thing, brought us here. And now, them as well.
Ivonava: Thats an exit jumpgate. You would have came through an orange
	jumpgate, right?
Janeway: No, it was blue.
Ivonava: Blue?
Lister: Writer error, bound to be.
Crew man: We are being hailed.
Ivonava: On screen.
Crew man: What screen?
Ivonava: Oh, on speakers.
Uhura: Enterprise to unidtified space base and Red Dwarf, do you read me.
Janeway: Not again.
Lister: At least this way we will tie up some more lose ends.
Ivonava: Hello, Enterprise. We have some friends of yours here.
Janeway: Uhura, put me through to Kirk.
Uhura: Aye sir.
Janeway: Don't call me SIR.

(insert commercial break)

Staring Kate Mulgrew.

(Janeway dressed in skin tight leather beats up a few Kazorn officers
and nicks their cigeretts. Then confronts Cullah.)

In.

Cullah: Aha, at last I have you, sir.
Janeway: DON'T, call me SIR!!!! (cresecent kicks Cullah in the head.)

(cue expensive computer graphic scene) Barb Wire.

(end commercial break.)

(cut to docking bay. Kirk and co have now meet up with Ivonava, Janeway,
Lister and Blackadder.)

Kirk: Well, Captain, it's..... good to see you again.
Janeway: Yeah, it is. Isn't it?
Lister: Yeah. How ya felling Sam?
Spock: Sam is gone. I am back in my own body.
Lister: Thats good.
Janeway: Did the sliders get back home?
McCoy: Well.....

(at this point five people walk in to the room from the enterprise.)

Janeway: MAX!
Arturo: Cathrine!

(they run towards each other and everything goes slow mo. The music that
is always played in these circumstances plays. Janeway throws herelf at 
Arturo and bounces off his gut and lands on her butt.)

Arturo + Lister: Cathrine!
Janeway: I'm OK.
Arturo + Lister: (at the same time) Phew! (look at each other) Huh? You
	love her too? You bastard! (they fight.)
Maggie: Quin, now that He's back, what the point in having me?
Quin: Because your, er, abilities can increase the ratings.
Checkov: Righ- Vight, lets get on vith this pawody. (to the script
	writer) I hope your happy with this.
Scriptwritter: Yup.
Checkov: Bastawd.
Ivoanva: Is that a toupee?
Kirk: NO!
Ivoanava: Oh, good. It's just, we have to quarintine all toupee's.
Kirk: Why?
Ivonava: Well, lets just say this guy called Cyrano Jones traded a
	reproducing toupee to Mr Garibaldie after he lost all of his hair.
The Original Series Cast: Cyrano Jones?
Ivonava: Yeah, took us ages to get rid of them all.
Kirk: (looks at Uhura) The next time someone..... asks if you want to
	see some.... pupies, refuse point blank
Rembrant: Say, when do we slide?
Quin: Oh, a few hours.
Lister: I thought you'd guys would have slid to another world by now.
Quin: Yeah, but we keep coming back to the Enterprise for some reason.
Wade: It could be because we have an extra character.
Quin: Wait, It could be because we have an extra character.
Wade: Hey I said that.
Scully: (walks in) Oh god no, not you lot again.
Wade: Hi Scully.
Scully: (breathes out deeply) Hi.

(back to the security room. Zack, George and Baldrick are there.)

Zack: Right, name.
All: Bald....rick.
Zack: First name.
Baldrick: Dunnoe.
Zack: You must have some idea.
Baldrick: It could be sod off. (everyone looks confused) When i was
	playing with the other little tykes in the gutter I used to say,
	hello my names Baldrick, they would say, yes we know, sod off 
	Baldrick.
Zack: I'll put you down as S Baldrick. Criminal record?
Baldrick: Abousolty not.
George: Oh come on Baldrick, your going to become a security guard.
Zack: I'll put you down as fraud and sexual diveancie. Minum bribe
	level?
Baldrick: One rat, oh hang about. I don't want to price meself out of
	the market.
Zack: Er, yeah.

(Kirk is now introducing some more crew members.)

Rimmer: (looking at a very trampy looking male Yeoman.) He looks
	familar.
Kryten: He resembles mr Baldrick.
Future Baldrick: Do I know you sir?
Rimmer: No, Smeg off you disgusting piece of filth.
Mulder: Hey everyone, I'm back.
McCoy: Oh shut up you boring bastard.
Mulder: Huh.
Kirk: And this...is.. Lt Blackadder and Ensign George. Newly promoted
	....to ...security.
Future Blackadder: Charmed I'm sure.
Future George: Gosh.
Janeway: Well, this might cause complications.
Lister: So, have you slid to any other worlds at all, or have you just
	kept slidding back to Kirk?
Quin: Oh we've slid to other worlds. We've just always came back to Kirk
	on the next slide. But we've been to worlds where time ran 
	backwards, people had had their minds transfered into android 
	bodies. The usual.
Lister: Time ran backwards?
Rembrant: It certainly did.
Kirk: People had their..... minds.. implanted into... robots?
Quin: Androids.
Lister: How, er, how long has your show been around?
Quin: Around four or five years. Why?
Rimmer: AHA! We've been around fifteen years, and we covered that in our
	third series. And that was in the eighties.
Sliders: Huh oh.
Kirk: And we... had that ...android.. plot used in the sixties.
Sliders: Huh oh.
Kirk: You'll hear from my lawyers.
Rimmer: And ours.
Sliders: Shit.
Ivonava: Well, this is all very nice. Two trek casts on my station, the
	Red Dwarf cast and Blackadder, and now we have the Sliders here. 
	Brillant. What else could possibly go wrong?
Voice/com: Alert, alert. Shadow vessels approching.
Ivonava: Brilliant. Okay, all command level personel to C&C.;

(Ivonava, Janeway, Kirk, Spock, Blackadder, Rimmer and the Sliders
leave.)

Scotty: Whut abo't us t'hen?
Ivonava: Go use one of the bars.
Scotty: Whoppie!
Guinan: Yeah?
Scotty: Not ye.
Guinan: Oh.

(C&C.;)

Ivonava: Right, report.
Crewman: It appered out of a jumpgate right in front of us.
Ivonava: Well, what are you waiting for? Open fire.
Crewman: Er, the weapons aren't armed.
Ivonava: Oh god. Open the defence grid, contact the defence ships and
	OPEN FIRE!!
Kirk: (puches through the air) Fire.
Janeway: Kirk, I think we ought to get to our ships and aid in the
	defense.
Kirk: Agreed. (whips out communicator.) Kirk to away teams... Prepare to
	..be ... beamed up.
Janeway: (Slaps nip- er communicator) Transpoter room, beam up the away
	team.

(cut to one of the many restaurants on Babylon 5.)

Marcus: So, I'm a martial arts expert.
Linear: But not as good as me.
Sporty: But I kicked your butt. And it was some butt.
Torres:Some but what?

(they all laugh at the teriabul pun. Meanwhile in a corner of the
restaurant, Tom Paris watches them, then turns around wlaks into a passing 
serving trolley, falls onto it and deserts go everywhere.)

Paris: Shit. (starts to beam away.) Double shi-. (he reappears on the
	transporter pad covered in splatterd ice cream.)

Chakotay: You didn't get into another fight with Neelix?

(cut to the bridge. Paris arrives in the same uniform. Various crew
members laugh out loud)

Janeway: Ahh, the new look uniform?

(Another shadow vessel appears, this time with a familar looking shaped
ship after it. The Enterprise and Voyager take evaisive action.)

Janeway: Shit, they would turn up.

Who has turned up now? What danger do they pose? will this parody end on
time? Will it be wrapped up properly or have more lose ends? All will be 
revealed in the final part.

Part six. Blackadder fans, we know what that means......
"Machine guns and mustard gas, anything to get a laugh."
By David "Dennis" Hopper.

In the last episode, a pathetic attempt was made to tie up all the lose 
ends by bringing Kirk and the Sliders onboard for the ride. This should 
hopefully create  a good few jokes and confusion with Checkov and Bester.
Oh, yeah. The Shadows showed up with an enemy of Voyager's. (can you 
guess who that is?)

(C&C.; Marcus and Lister are arguing)

Lister: Ponce.
Marcus: Wanker.
Lister: Lanky bastard.
Marcus: Dreadlocked freak.
Lister: Dodgy beard.
Marcus: Rapist.
Lister: I was aquitted of that you upper class bastard.
Director: We're on.
Marcus + Lister: OH SHIT!
Ivonava: Time out you two. We have to deal with this problem of the 
	shadows and the, what is that?
Mulder: My god.
Quin: It can't be.
Arturo: The most devious bastards ever in creation.
Quin: (gives a funny look) What are you talking about?
Arturo: The Fox network executives.
Rembrant: Where?
Arturo: There. (points off screen.)
General: What in the name of Boneaparts balls is that?
Wade: My god. And to think, eveyone is more concerned about the Shadows 
	and the Borg ship that has one of them trapped in a tractor beam.
Arturo: BORG?
Scully: What the hell was I smoking this morning?
Lister: Whats so bad about the fox network execs?
Wade: Do you have to ask that?
Quin: They cancelled our show.
Wade: And they replaced the Proffesor with Maggie.
Ivonava: Look, do we have any ideas as to how to combat them?
Rembrant: Combat who? The Borg, Shadows or the Fox execs?
Baldrick: Sir? I have a cunning plan.
Ivonava: Ugh. Who let that in here?
Zack: He's a security guard.
Ivonava: He is? You sure he's not some kind of Human/Narn cross bread?
Zack: No, he's part human, part something else.
Ivonava: Well, ok. Let's here your plan.
Baldrick: (takes a deep breath) Well, when I was in the training room, 
	being trained to resist brain washing, as part of the training I 
	had to watch the Spice girls movie, and in it they used their magic 
	powers to deal with a naughty camera  man. (everyone is now looking 
	at Baldrick in complete disgust.) Anyhow I was thinking  that 
	maybe they could use these powers and deal with the borg and the 
	shadows. 
(everyone considers this.)
Arturo: That is the most useless, dimwitted, stupid, moronic, imbercilic 
	idea I have ever heared in my life, you blistering idiot.
Ivonava: Agreed.

(at this point Checkov comes in.)

Ivonava: Get out Bester.
Checkov: I'm not Bestew, I'm Checkov.
Ivonava: Oh, damn.
Checkov: Ah, yeoman Baldwick, vhat awe you doing hewe?
Baldrick: Do I know you sir?
Quin: Theres two versions of Baldrick running around at the moment. 
	Yours and this one from world war I.
Baldrick: I don't know what war your on about, I'm in the great war.
Quin: It was renamed.
Baldrick: Oh.
Checkov: Vell, my Baldwick (mild snickering from everyone else) alvays 
	has cunnings plans that help get him and Lt Blackaddew and that 
	Geowge  something ow othew out of twouble. DO you?
Baldrick: Oh yes. I just explained it. I think we should-

(as Baldrick informs Checkov of his plan everyone else groans. Cut to 
Voyager.)

Janeway: Lay in an intercept course on the Borg Mr Paris. Unknown 
	exependible and doomed ensign, lock all weapons on that cube.
Ensign: We are being hailed by Babylon 5.
Janeway: On screen.
Ivonava: That Baldrick guy you brought with you has a plan to defeat the 
	Borg.
Janeway: What is it?
Ivonava: The plan? It's a way of prepaing for something.
Janeway: Thank you, but what is his plan?
Ensign: Er, Captain.
Ivonava: Let's just say it envolves the Spice girls.
Kim: Cool.
All: Shut up Harry.
Kim: Aw man.
Janeway: Well, you heared the women, reset course for the shadow 
	vessels. the Spice girls can deal with the Borg.
Ensign: Uh Captain.
Janeway: What is it? It better be important.
Ensign: The Borg just assimulated one of the Shadow vessel.
All: Uh oh.
Ensign: The Borg ships are changing course. Intercept course heading for us.
All: Uh oh.
Ensign: The Borg are powering weapons.
All: Oh shit.

(cut to the Enterprise bridge, all except Checkov.)

Kirk: Wheres Checkov?
Sulu: With Scotty in the bar on Babylon 5.
Kirk: Damnit. I thought I ordered......... all my men..... back?

(a security guy comes in with Bester.)

Security guy: We found Mr Checkov sir.
Bester: Let me go.
Kirk: Mr .....Checkov... Please take your.....place
Bester: I'M NOT CHECKOV!!!!!
Uhura: He does look a little older.
Sulu: At least now he can get into bars.
Bester: Shut it.
Kirk: You look like Checkov.
Bester: because I'm the same actor, different character you scene 
	stealing, pompus, fat ass bastard.

(another guard comes in with Blackadder, the World war I Blackadder.)

Guard: I found Lt Blackadder sir.
Blackadder: Do I look like a Lieutant? I happen to be wearing the 
	insignia of an officer of his majesty's royal army. (note for smeg 
	heads, it will have been HIS majestie's army at that point in time. 
	I know the Queens old, but she  ain't that old.)
Kirk: Well, you look like.... Lt Blackadder. Here, have a..... red 
	shirt, Mr Bester, have a.....yellow.... shirt.
Blackadder: You must be joking. Tom Paris warned me about what happens 
	to Red shirted officers under your command, you pompus arrogant 
	bastard.
Spock: So? Plenty more of them. Humans have spread through the galaxy 
	like a plague. Not like your in short supply.
Sulu: thats what the Klingons said about the Tribbles.

(yet another red shirt comes in, with Darling and Flashheart.)

Kirk: Good... lord.
McCoy: IT can't be.
Spock: It does appear to be rear admiral lord Flashheart, and vice 
	secritray Kevin Darling.
Flashheart: (to Uhurra) Hi. What say you and I see if our equipment is 
	compatible. And if it isn't, I've got the tool to deal with any 
	incompatibility. Ah  woof, Ah WOOF. (sex thrusts)
Uhurra: (swons)
Darling: Good grief, where are we?
Ivonava: Bablyon 5 to Enterprise. What are you waiting for? Promotion? 
	Attack that Borg ship!
Kirk: I've always..... liked the idea of........... becoming an........ 
	Admiral.
McCoy: It wouldn't work, Jim. Your heart is in being a Captain.

(cut to C&C.; Ivonava, Checkov and Baldrick are explaining his plan to 
the Spice Girls.)

Emma: Magic powers?
Ivonava: I know it sounds stupid, but it's all we can think of. You 
	don't think it's stupid do you?
Ginger: Not at all.
Ivonava: Huh?
Sporty: We've been wanting a chance to use our special powers.
Posh: Pity Kes isn't here though.
Scary: So, we know what to do?
Spice girls: Yup. (perform high fives. At which point bright swirling 
	lights appear all around C&C.; A VERY bad attempt at cheap"rock n 
	roll" music paly's the Spice girls are surounded by light and they 
	morph into the power rangers.) GIRL POWER!!!!

(the Spice rangers fly out of the station in various beams of coloured 
light, and approch the Borg/Shadow ship. As soon as they touch it, it blows 
up in a  very dramatic display of CGI animation, however one of the spikes 
tears through a couple of White star ships. Cut to C&C;, eveyone cheers. The 
Spice rangers approach the Borg cube and find that the same tactic doesn't 
work.)

Ginger: we need more power.
Posh: Don't tell me? We're going to start to sing?

(they all start to sing "Spice up your life." -don't worry if you 
haven't heard it yet-, and the Borg ship starts to shake a little. 
Meanwhile Voyager is getting  it's butt kicked by the remaining shadow 
vessel untill the Enterprise starts to fire it's 
phasers at it. Boom. Scratch one shadow vessel as bit's fly everywhere.)

Janeway: Sheesh. It is true about those "lucky shots" of Kirk's.
Chakotay: With Women, or his Phasers?

(everyone else slaps their faces.)

Chakotay:(anoyed) What?
Janeway: You always were slow on the uptake, Chakotay.
Paris: Where are the Spice girls?
Kim: Sensors show they entered the Borg cube.
Ensign: We are reciving a transmission sir.
Janeway: On screen.

(five borgs, very familar looking borgs appear on screen. In the 
background Borgs can be seen attaching giant speakers onto the walls.)

Ginger of Borg: We are the Spice Borgs.
Scary: Talent is irelevent.
Posh: Wannabe assimulated?
All: No.

(cut to C&C;, where they have just recieved the same message

Rimmer: Oh well, no great loss there.
All: Shut up you smeg head. (they begin throwing anything they can get 
	their hands on at Rimmer, who of course is still in soft light mode, 
	so they all  pass through him.
Rimmer leaves while screaming obscinities about lack of respect for the 
	dead.)
Ivonava: All weapon systems, lock on that cube.
Extra: That sounds as corny as "take this chesse to sick-bay."

(all except Ivonava laugh. Rimmer comes back into shot, hiding in the 
doorway.)

Ivonava: LOOK! JUST DO AS I ORDER OR I'LL HAVE YOU HORSE WHIPPED!!!!!!!!!!
Extra: Yes Ma'am.
Lister: ER, waitaminute.
Ivonava: I don't have the time for you.
Kryten: But, Ma'am.
Ivonava: Look, shut it, will you? I wanna blow that cube up right now.
Rimmer: But, what about Red Dwarf?

(meanwhile the Borg cube starts to approch Red Dwarf which is inbetween 
the Borg and the station.)

Ivonava: What about it?
Rimmer: It's in the way.
Ivonava: Well, you've got a computer running it haven't you?
Lister: Well. Yeah. Sortof.
Ivonava: Well, it can move it.

(The Dwarfers freeze, so does mulder and Scully.)

Scully: You got ta be kidding me. That Moron would proberly ram us or 
	something.
Mulder: Are you admitting that theres a super computer running that ship 
	now?
Scully: No. It's some sad perve from London who's lost more hair Then 
	Avery Brooks and Patrick Stewart put together.
Kryten: Well, it couldn't hurt to try.
Rimmer: But Holly's gone computer senile. A computer with a IQ of 6000, 
	and a PE teacher could beat him at chess.
Kryten: Thats only because he's forgotten how the knights move.
Chekov: Why not weset Holly? That ought to cleaw up any pwoplems.
Lister: But that would be like me trying to correct your bad Elma Fudd 
	impresion with me fist.
Ivonava: Look, are you going to move your ship, or do I have to have it 
	blown away first?
Rimmer: Where's Cat?
Lister: In sick bay.
Rimmer: Which one?
Lister: What do ya mean which one?
Rimmer: Is it the Voyager's? Is it Bablyon 5? Is it our's?
Lister: He's on ou- Oh my god.
Kryten: I'll contact Holly.

(the Dwarf is seen from outside space. Babylon 5 is beneath it, the Borg 
ship is practicly on top of the Dwarf. Voyager and The Enterprise are 
coming in  slowly towards the Borg cube. Babylon 5's defence ships are seen 
coming in behind Red dwarf. Suddenly, Red Dwarf springs into life and moves 
off at top speed  right into the Borg cube. Cut to Red Dwarf's Drive room. 
Holly is now in his female  form.)

Holly: Ooops. Blooming eck. Where did that cube come from? (she sends 
	the Borg a transmission.)

(cut to Borg ship. Holy's female face appears to the main Borg bridge. 
The Spice Borgs are there. The load speakers are now blaring every single 
Spice  girl song. Don't ask me how the Borg put up with it.)

Holly: Oi! Watch where ya parking mate.
Borg: Bloody women drivers. (the Spice Borgs  give some funny looks, 
	then with a cry of "Borg power", start to trash the palce.)

(cut to a coridoor in Red Dwarf. Rimmer appears there looking totaly 
disoriented. After a while a loud cracking noise is heard as the Dwarf and 
the Borg cube collide. Rimmer crouches down behind some fallen debris, 
and sticks his fingers  in his ears. Cut to space.)

Rimmer: HOLLY!! GET ME OUT OF HERE! YOU SENILE SON OF A
	SHAREWHARE SOFTWARE VIRUS INFECTED PROGRAME! YOU GOIT!

(cut to space. The Red Dwarf is still pushing into the Borg ship, which 
tries to break away from the Dwarf, which is a little bigger I suppose. 
The result of  Holly's lack of driving skills, the Borg's escape attempt, 
and the Spice Borgs wrecking the cube from the inside, winds up tearing the 
cube apart. Cut to C&C.; All cheers.)

Kryten: Holly: had slipped into his female form.
Wade: Well, I think that shows what girl power can do.
Mulder: Your computer is a transvestite? that is a load of Bullshit!
Scully: Mulder! Are you saying you don't believe in senile 
	supercomputers that can change sex? Welcome back to the real world!
Mulder: Scully, letgo of my neck. I can't breath.
Ivonava: Don't I get to blow something up?
Extra: Well, there's some big chunks of Borg ship left, we could shoot 
	at those.
Ivonava: Excerlent. Fire at will.

(all the extra's fire at a crew man who ducks.)

Ivonava: NO! Not at WILL! Fire at the Borg bit's.

(everyone sniggers, while Ivonava tries to figure out what was so funny. 
cut to Enterprise. Blackadder and Bester are now wearing their shirts.)

Scotty: Cap'nan, the Borg ship is doon, but that mad lassie, she's still 
	firing at them.
Sulu: Incoming. Checkov! Do something.
Bester: Like what?
Sulu: Your the freaking pilot for today. Move the friggin ship.
Bester: Where are the controls?
Sulu: RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR "£$%^&* EYES!

(the Enterprise is struck by a piece of debri which send them hurterling 
into a now open jump point. Various explosions accur around the bridge, 
killing a  load of Red shirts as well as Blackadder, the future versions 
of George and  Baldrick, and the WWI versions of Flasheart and Darling. 
Everyone else is fine.)

Kirk: Oh, god... NO.. We've lost the.... vice secritary and... lord 
	Flashheart.
Spock: What can I say sir? Except, opps?
Kirk: Checkov! This is your.... fault. If you'd reacted... these men 
	might... still be .....alive.
Bester: But I'm not CHECKOV! I'm BESTER! And I don't know how to operate 
	your damn ship.
Uhura: Captain, sensors show we are home, at Space dock.
Kirk: Not .... now.
Uhura: But sir, I have a message from Vice president Darling and Lord 
Flashheart.

(all look silent and dumpfounded.) 

(commercial break.)

From, the makers,

(Kirk is sitting in a hospital by himself. There are several large 
windows above him showing the cloudy night sky. Theres an old man nearby 
Kirk, looking at the window.)

Man: Full moon tonight.
Kirk: (looks upward very worried.)

Of,

(suddenly Kirk's toupee flys off his head and grabs hold of the old mans 
throat. Kirk rips it off complete with windpipe)

Hair-raiser,

Man: urrrgh, gurgle. (dies)

Night of the living head,

(Kirk is now in a dark alley. Police sirens can be heared and starfleet 
security shuttles fly past without seeing him. Kirk rests against the wall, 
breathing hard. Several punks approach him.)

Punk#1: What ya carrying? (produces flip knife.)
Punk#2: Ain't that James kirk?
Punk#1: SO?
Punk#3: He'l kick our butts.

(the toupee flys off and kills the first punk. The other punks flee.)

Comes: Hell, Toupee.

Kirk: Damnit. (picks up toupee.) Last time I deal with a Klingon hair 
	piece company.

(end commercial break)

(Cut to Babylon 5 space. Red Dwarf and Babylon 5 are now resuming their
competion for biggest thing in this sector of space. Various bits of 
Borg and Shadow vessels float by occasionaly. Voyager, Red Dwarf and Babylon 
5 and it's protection ships look unscathed. Cut to C&C.; All the Slider, 
X-files, Dwarfers, and Babylon's are there. Janeway's rather peeved face is 
on the viewscreen screaming at Ivonava about the Enterprise.)

Janeway: JESUS CHRIST WOMEN! YOU JUST TOTALY SCREWED UP OUR
	TIMELINE BY DOING THAT! YOU JUST TOTALY ALTERED OUR VERY
	EXISTENCE! WITH NO ORIGINAL SERIES, THERE NO POSSIBILTY OF
	THEIR BEING ANY SPINOFFS!
Ivonava: I'm sorry, but who are you?(she turns the monitor off.) Thank 
	god for that.
Checkov: Vhat about me?
Ivonava: Your just going to have to age quickly and argue with Zack 
	whenever your here.
Zack: Sounds good to me.
Baldrick: What about me?
Zack: I think Dr Franklin may want to study you, for medical reasons.
G'Kar: I demand to be in this parody.
Zack: Well, your here now. G'Kar, are you going to make it a habit of 
	wearing the Chiefs hat when he's away?
G'Kar: (puts down the hat.) Well, it does suit me.
Zack: Yeah, in the dark.
Wade: How long till we slide?
Quin: About one minute.
Rembrant: This is the craziets world we've ever been in, Q-ball.
Arturo: What about the Fox exec's?
Ivonava: Oh, them. Lock all weapons at the Fox network executives. Fire.
Mulder+Scully: NO!!!
Extra: Target destroyed.
Arturo: Thank god for that, that ought to teach THEM! (Mulder and Scully 
	look upset.)
Mulder: No more Fox exec's, no more X-Files.
Quin: We can go now. (opens up the wormhole, they all jump in. Arturo 
	last.)
Mulder: Scully, that may be our only way home. (grabs Scully and they 
	jump into the wormhole.)
Scully: I'll miss you most of all Scarecrow. (wormhole closes.)
Lister: Why does someone always say that?
Ivonava: Right, is anyone else here from the wrong diemension.
Rimmer: Well, there us. (Ivonava levels her gun at him.) But I think we 
	can get going to our own diemension soon enough.
Kryten: How?
Rimmer: Cat's hairdryer got us into this, it can get us out of this.
Lister: What about the Cat? And the Polymorph?
Rimmer: Thats Janeway's problem.

(the dwarfers leave.)

Checkov: Vell, I'll be leaving for, vhatever my new job is. (leaves at a 
	very fast pace.)
Zack: Did you notice that the writting credit's had Dennis Hopper down 
	as the author of this story?
Ivonava: SO?
Zack: Isn't Dennis Hopper mad?
Ivonava: So?

(cut ot space. The camera turns 180 degres and faces the Voyager, Red 
Dwarf and Babylon 5 and it's fleet. cut to Voyager. Kryten is on the view 
screen  talking to Janeway about the Polymorph.)

Kryten: So if you freaze it, we can extract the DNA and we can use those 
	to cure the crew who are missing their emotions.
Chakotay: too late. Neelix already captured it and cooked it. It 
	actually tasted nice.
Janeway: No, that was the parent. Harry, go and find Neelix will you?
Kim: Okey dokey. (Kim leaves, and as he does, the ratings go up.)
Kryten: I think we can use mr Cat's hairdryer to get us back to our 
	diemensions.
Janeway: Excerlent.

(Harry is now walking down a dark coridoor when theres suddenly a load 
of smoke - seemingly from nowhere- and lightning. Evil cackling can be 
heared.)

Kim: (re evil cackling) B'Ellanna?
Torres: (runs on and hit's him.)
Kim: Ouch.
Witch: Harry Kim, Harry Kim. Thou shalt be Captain, hereafter.
Kim: Cool. (goes skipping off.)
Witch: What a dimwit.
Kim: (skips around a corner then screaches to a halt.) How can we have 
	lightning on a starship? (turns around and is attacked by the witch 
	who has now  turned into the 2nd Polymorph.) Aiiiieee.

(cut to coridoor. Torres and Marcus have gotten Zack to release Tuvok 
and Kes and they are escorting them back to Voyager.)

Marcus: And then she says, "all weapons systems lock onto that cube." 
	HA! HA! And then the extra says, it's as corny as take this cheese 
	to sickbay. HA  HA! 
Torres: What?
Marcus:I mean, only a complete loser would say something like that.
Tuvok: Huh oh.
Torres: YOU BASTARD!!! (Torres embedens her fist into Marcus' face.)

(Cut to the conference room. All the main cast are there.)

Janeway: Suggestions people?
Lister: Well we could-

(at this point Barney walks in through the main door.)

Barney: Hi kids!
All: AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
(Tuvok whips out his phaser, Lister and Kryten start firing their 
Bazokoids, Janeway is using her phaser riffle. Prety soon the entire room 
is filled with weapon fire. cut to space. Voyager explodes taking out a 
couple of white star ship.)

Narrotor: That could have happened.

(cut to conference room. The main cast are there.)

Janeway: Suggestions people?
Lister: Well,
Geordie: Computer, end simulation.

(everyone looks at Geordie, then they dissapear to be replaced by the 
holodeck on the Enterprise E. Geordie and Barclay are there.)

Geordie: Reg, we have got to get you out more often.
Barclay: Sorry Geordie.

(Geordie leaves Barclay in the holodeck.)

Barclay: Computer, activate Barclay A 2.

(the computer simulation starts up again. Barclay is now dressed in a 
leather jacket and holding a big gun. Theres a man smoking a cigar and 
wearing a white jacket and black gloves, a BIG black man and some skinny 
wimp dressed in an expensive suit. They all have big guns and are next to 
a black van. The men raise their guns and start to shoot at the bridge crew 
of the Enterprise, but completly miss their  targets.)

Geordie: REG!

Narrotor: That could have happened. But heres what really happened.

(cut to conference room. The main cast is there.)

Janeway: Suggestions.
Lister: Well we could break out the heavy weapons and hunt the damn 
	thing.
Neelix: I could cook it.
All: No!
Paris: Does anyone have any ideas?
Q: Well,
Janeway: Oh.... god.
Q: I can correct the entire problem and get you all back to your 
	respective points in your own universe's.
Lister: Can you get us home?
Q: Yeah, but that would be the end of your shows.
Lister: Damn.
Rimmer: Can you bring me back to life?
Q: Yes, but I don't want to do that.
Rimmer: Why?
Q: Your a git.
Lister: He knows you.
Rimmer: Shut up.
Chakotay: Could you get all the fans to stop wanting me and Cathrine 
	jump each others bones?
Lister: Huh? You? And her? Ha, no chance.
Chakotay: Watch it kid.
Lister: I'm 26, I'm no kid.
Kryten: Actully sir your 3 million, 226.
Lister: No I'm not.
Q: your over three million years old? How?
Rimmer: Status field.
Paris: A what?
Torres: Suspended animation.
Paris: Oh.
Janeway: You look like your 32.
Lister: Cause the actor is 32, but I am 26.
All: Oh.
Q: Well, shall I fix things for you?
Janeway: Whats the catch?
Q: No catch. (snaps his fingers.)

(cut to space. Voyager and Red Dwarf vanish from Babylon 5.)

Chakotay: My god, it's full of stars.
Janeway: Oh shut up.

(Red Dwarf arrives orbiting a large plannet. Cut to sick-bay. Cat is 
back to normal.)

Cat: (running around looking for a mirror.) Mirror, mirror. Emergency. I 
	have to find a mirror and then catch one of my regular tweenty five 
	minute showers.
Lister: He's back to normal.
Holly: There's one more thing. Arnold, your alive.
Rimmer: Wha? YES! I am alive.
Lister: Hu oh. Rember what happened the last time you were resurected.
Rimmer: (runs off into a solid wall) *smack* Offya. (wanders off down a 
	coridoor.) Don't worry, I won't go anywhere near those crates 
	again. I'm a new man,  lister. And I'll take better care of this 
	bodieeeeee (sounds of someone falling down an elevator shaft.)
Kryten: Sigh, I'll reset his disk.
Lister: (smiling.) Why bother? We'l put in the disc of the naked belly 
	dancer for a few hours.

(cut to Voyager. Janeway is now talking to Q.)

Q: Yes, the polymorph is back on the Dwarf, where it belongs. You never 
	know, it might get revenge for it's mate one of these days.
Janeway: Thank god for that.
Q: Well, must be off. Bon voyage mon capitalist.
Janeway: Bye Q. See you during the next season. Tuvok. Report.
Tuvok: Sensors indicate that there is massive Borg activity up ahead. 
	For several light years.
Paris: There is one section that seems to be devoid of Borg activity. 
(Kes looks very frightened.)
Janeway: Well lay, in a course. Let's get out of this damn sequel.

(cut to Enterprise. Bester is stealing a shuttle craft.)

Bester: Personel log. After having had my butt kicked by that pompuss 
	fat ass, for calling him a pompuss fat ass to his face, I have with 
	the help of a nurse who took a shine to me, stolen a shuttle and 
	have set a course for. Where are we  going anyhow?
Chappel: A little plannet I know. It's called Beatazed. Virtualy no-one 
	lives there.

(cut to Babylon 5. In a bar Checkov sits by himself.)

Checkov: Pewsonnel log. Ensign Pawel Checkov repowting. Hawing been 
	mistaken fow an altewnetiwe wersion of myselw. I hawe found myself 
	hawing to  accept his life instead of my own.
Zack: Come on Bester, your Star furry awaits.
Checkov: (sighs) Alwight.
Zack: Leave now.
Checkov: Geeze. (leaves. cut to the lab. Franklin is examing Baldrick.)

Franklin: Amazing. I might just be able to use your DNA to get rid of 
	the Shadow influence of those telepaths.
Marcus: Thats gweat doc, but whub about by dose?

(cut to a dark room. The wormhole opens up and deposits the Sliders and 
X-philes. All landing on Arturo.)

Arturo: %$^ ! 
Wade: Sorry.
Arturo: Oh, it's alright. I missed  doing that.
Voice: Stay where you are. I have a gun.
Arturo: (stepping forward.) That's what they all say.
Mulder: I know that voice.

(the man shoots Arturo.)

Arturo: Not again. (falls down dead.)
Wade: NO!
Maggie: YES! (masages, those, erm, assets.)
Voice: Mulder? Scully?
Scully: Skinner?
Quin: Well, if this is your world, I think we'd better go.
Rembrant: You what?
Quin: (opens the portal.) We only had a few seconds. (all the Sliders 
	leave, Wade last.)
Scully: What about this corpse?
Wade: Geeze, do you think I'm lifting that? Just through him out the 
	window and blame it on Krychek.
Skinner: MULDER! SCULLY! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!?!

(shot of the world war I trenches. The future Blackadder arrives along 
with the then version of George and the General. They are both shot to 
pieces  imediatly while Blackadder jumps into a handy trench.)

Future Blackadder: (looks at the guns leveled at him.) Ahh. This isn't 
	the federation now is it? NO, I didn't think so. Knew I shouldn't 
	have worn this damn red shirt.
(Blackadder is shot to ribbons by Hun guns.)

(Q arrives on the Voyager.)

Q: Ah, alls well that ends well. My god! BORG!
Janeway: (aggrivated.) Tell me about it. Good thing we found that 
	passage, eh?
Chakotay: What the hell is that on that cube? (Kes at this point looks 
	very scarred.)
Kes: Captain, I can here voices in my head.
Janeway: Whose?
Q: Can't you tell? Paramount has been infested with Fox network  
	executives. And we all know what they like.
Paris: What's that?
Q: Women with BIG assets.
Kes: I'm getting a message, the weak will perish.
7of9: Resistance is futile.

(the camera pans around the bridge concentrating on each member of the 
main cast. Finnally it lands on Kes who's mouth is wide open and screamming.)

Kes: NOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!

The end (we can hope.)

Special bonus story.

Kirk attempt's to score with Ivonava.

Kirk: HI..... I'm..... James.T.Kirk. Captain... Of the Federation 
	starship Enterprise.... I can...... get you on... to the bridge.....
Ivonava: No, thanks.
Kirk: Well, what say we..... go into the...arberetum?
Ivonava: No, but thanks.
Kirk: Well, what say we..... go to my quarters. We can put.... our 
	boots.... on together afterwards... if you like.
Ivonava: No, thanks, really. Look. Let's level here, OK. Theres one 
	thing you should know about me.
Kirk: I already know.... your one... hot moma.
Ivonava: I'm a lesbien.
Kirk: Lesbien? (collapse's on the floor.) Lesbien? (goes in to shock, 
	various body spasms all resulting in his gut getting bigger. 
	Ivonava nicks his  toupee.)
Ivonava: Works ever time.

The end.