Spoof Trek III: Final conflict.

Spoof Trek III: Final Conflict.

Foreword. Well not so overdue this time around. Something I don't think I mentioned the last time was just how many spelling errors I can see highlighted when I get the text into blogger editor, which makes me wonder if whatever word processer I was using back in the day was working at all, or if blogger just has a far more attentive bit of programming, or if I was just wilfully ignoring any advice my old word processer tried to give me.
Probably that damned paperclip.
I have to admit I am tempted to edit out the spelling errors, but I know I would find things like grammar I'd end up changing and after that it's a slippery slope down the path of re-writing the entire thing to suit my tastes today, rather then remind myself of how things were way back in the 90s.
It's funny how time has a habit of sneaking up on you like that and showing things in a totally different light.
I will say this though, as of this point I had managed to control my writing a bit more, instead of just writing and writing and never really looking back, in both this sequel and the story before I had aimed for a six parter and managed to control it that way. I think around this time I might have started to write some more one off stories for the various different Trek series we had up to that point.
After this though, there is just one more final Spoof Trek, then onto the other scripts I wrote. Can you guess which Trek series Red Dwarf is going to give a headache today?
Well, you did see the graphic up above, so proably, yeah.

---
Spoof Trek III: Final conflict.
Another one by David Hopper and don't let anyone tell you differently. 

Copyright 1998.

	Forenote: Set in the middle of the fifth season of DS9 and
after the disatourous seventh series of Red Dwarf where they
replaced Rimmer with an attractive, though wingy Actress (does
that remind anyone of another Sci-fi show?).
	Before you read this, you should be familiar with Star
Trek TOS and DS9 and Red Dwarf. As well as Slider's  Judge
Dredd (comics not the film) the X-men, Predators and The
Transformers, (G1 and Beast Wars), and have some knowledge of
WWF ringside wrestling banter, or comentary. Also you should
have read Since the world is hollow I must have touched the
ground, Space: Behind and Between (both by Donner) and Spoof
Trek I & II, by me. Spelling mistakes are left in deliberately.
(it's all the fun of reading these damn things.) Also if you
don't like to read satire’s or your offended by such things
portraying your favourite TV/Comic book character's as idiots,
then wake up and get a life. I mean what are you doing here
then? At a web site like this? Go away, cos we don't want to
know you.

Standard disclaimer: Paramount owns all Trek characters. The
BBC owns all Red Dwarf Characters. X-men are the property of
Marvel comics. If anyone can tell me who the Sliders belong to
I'll be happy. (I think.) All other characters are the property
of their respective companies, blah, blah, blah.

(DS9. Sisko's office. Sisko is talking to some Admiral about a
new discovery in the Romulan neutral zone.)

Admiral: Yes, we found this planet, totally devoid of life. But
	we believe they were at one time a space faring race with
	a large empire.
Sisko: And this was in the neutral zone? Good job we found it
	first, then. But what has this got to do with us, here?
Admiral: Well, you see, we found a sub space anomaly that took
	the crew to another galaxy where we found this crystal, a
	large crystal. Sensors show it has a huge amount of power.
	Maybe it could be used to travel in time, or to another
	dimension. Or maybe control this one. But we believe it
	may have been formed in that wormhole of your. So we're
	sending it to you lot to see if the wormhole aliens want
	to do anything with it.
Sisko: (shocked) Good grief. We aren't going to use it as a
	tactical advantage?
Admiral, no we aren't.
Sisko: (relived) Good. Does it have a name?
Admiral: Yes. As far as we can tell, the natives called it,
	(looks at notes) the M'Kran crystal.

(run credits.)

Part one: The one with the, Genticaly Engernered Life Form's.

Guest stars:
Steven Segal, as the guy with the initimidating eyebrows.
Stephen Fry, as ze Jem'hadar first vith ze Germane acent.
And Jay Leno, as the talent-less has bean.

Note: I don't like Freinds, Friend is crap, I only used the
idea of their titles because their actually the only funny
thing in the show.

Additional: Whoever created Friends, ought to be shot.

(A shot of the station, hanging in space. It's unusually devoid
of space craft.)

Sisko voice over: Captains log. We are expecting some strange
	crystal Starfleet believes to have been formed in the
	Wormhole to be brought over here within the next few days.
	Otherwise it has been an unusually quiet week. Major Kira
	is expected to give birth soon and Dax seems to be
	avoiding me. I can only guess since it's my birthday in a
	few days she's preparing one of her surprise parties
	again. I know if it were Curzon he'd had arranged a few,
	er, ladies to come round to my quarters afterwards and . .
	. . No, better delete that last sentence.

(The infirmary, DS9. Bashir is by himself. Odo walks in.)

Bashir: Constable,
Odo: Doctor,
Bashir: And what can I do for you today?
Odo: It's personal.
Bashir: (sarcastic) Really? No, don't go away. I mean, what is
	it?
Odo: (looks around. No one else is there) You haven't any
	listening devices, have you?
Bashir: No.
Odo: (nods his head. He looks worried.) Good.
Bashir: What’s the matter Odo?
Odo: Well, ever since I was turned into a human, I've had
	trouble. You know with the new . . . . . organs.
Bashir: What is it this time your having trouble with? Eating,
breathing, sleeping?
Odo: Well, it could be related to . . . sleeping.
Bashir: (eyes wide open with realisation) Ohhh.
Odo: Oh typical. I come here to talk about a problem and you
	act like that.
Bashir: (chuckling) Sorry Odo. Now what’s the matter?
Odo: Well, it's about my penis (at this point several old
	people start to talk out loud over the TV, about "their
	days" and "things were different in". The nitpickers also
	have a bigger field day then they did when Dax kissed that
	women)
Bashir: (smug) What about it?
Odo: Well, it went... and. It got bigger. I'm concerned that
	my, my shapeshifting powers may be coming back.
Bashir: (smiling like a Cheshire cat.) IT got bigger? Did it
	get harder as well? (Odo nods his head) Tell me, where
	were you at the time, and what were you doing?
Odo: I was in Quarks bar and Leeta was serving me a drink-
Bashir: What was she wearing?
Odo: (looks upwards as he tries to remember.) Not much.
Bashir: And did it go back to normal afterwards?
Odo: Well, yes. After a while. But then Dax walked past and the
	same thing happened.
Bashir: Well, therein the mystery is solved.
Odo: Really, what’s wrong?
Bashir: You were simply, ready.
Odo: Ready?
Bashir: Ready.
Odo: (pause) For what?
Bashir: (pause) For sex.
Odo: (eyes roll upwards. He collapse's)
Bashir: Sigh, why didn't I bag Dax?
Nurse: (passing by) Cos your a scrawny wimp.
Bashir: Thank you so VERY much.

(cut to a shot of Red Dwarf. All by itself in space. Suddenly a
blue wormhole like object opens up. It's different to DS9's
wormhole, and a lot smaller. A starbug vessel comes out of it.
This one is coloured red. Cut to Red Dwarf, Lister and Rimmer's
quarters. Lister is on his bed bunk, playing his guitar. Rimmer
is sticking cotton wool in his ears to block out the noise.)

Rimmer: LISTER! ! WILL YOU STOP THAT INFERNAL RACKET! ! ! ! !
Lister: Sorry, can't here you man. Music is too good.
Kryten: (enters the room with a piece of wielding equipment)
	(concerned) Have we had a hull breach? It's just I can
	hear an awful wailing noise not unlike that of the cold
	vacuum of space, sucking all the air out of a room. (spots
	guitar in Lister's hands. Switches to sarcastic mode) Ah,
	playing like Hendrix again sir?
Lister: Yup. Wish I had a few more strings.
Rimmer: Thank god I managed to get you to break them when I was
	still alive.
Lister: Pity I never killed you when you were still alive.
Kryten: No, he managed to kill himself and everyone else on
	board.
Rimmer: Ha! That’s rich coming from the droid who cleaned out
	the guidance computer of the Nova 5 with soapy water. No
	wonder it crashed and the entire crew died. (looks at
	Lister) If I'd had help, that drive plate would have been
	reinstalled properly. And it couldn't have blown off
	releasing all that radiation that killed the crew, and ME!
Lister: You can't blame me with that. you could have asked
	someone else from our watch. Besides. Fixing a drive plate
	is a one man job.
Rimmer: How did you know that?
Lister: I read the manual.
Rimmer: (looks disgusted, and accidentally flares his
	nostrils.)
Cat: (runs in so fast we can see the sequins fall off his
	suit.) Come quick.
Lister: I like to take me time, actually.
Cat: Wha? No not that. Come take a look. You ain't gonna
	believe this.
Kryten: What is it.
Cat: It's Starbug. A red Starbug.
All: A RED STARBUG!?!?!
Cat: That's what I said. You guys got hearing problems or what?

(the drive room in Red Dwarf. Everyone is there. Holly’s face
is looking neutrally blank.)

Lister: Where did it come from, man?
Holly: Hmm, oh, space.
Rimmer: A little more precise, perhaps?
Holly: That wormhole.
Rimmer: Which wormhole?
Holly: The one that’s just dissapered.
Rimmer: (rolls eyes heavenwards) Typical. Hail them. And go to
	blue alert.
Lister: Who do you think you are?
Rimmer: The senior officer. Now hail them, go to blue alert,
	and don't give me any crap about changing the light
	bulbs..
Kryten: Channel open, blue alert initiated. (the room darkens
	and a blue light flashes on and off dimly in one corner,
	eventually going out.)
Rimmer: (re light) Ye gods, is it too much to ask for?. To
	unidentified vessel,
Cat: It's Starbug, can't you see that?
Rimmer: Silence! Identify your self or else we will be forced
	to surrender, completely and utterly. Thank you.
Lister: You are a smeg head, Rimmer.
Rimmer: Your on report for that. Oh, god. What if their aliens?
	They properly want to bring back obnoxious people like
	Peterson.
Lister: Peterson was not obnoxious.
Rimmer: He was your friend. That's reason enough not to want
	him back. (grabs hold of microphone.) WE DON'T WANT
	HIM!!!! WE DON'T WANT HIM!! YOU HEAR THAT? WE-
Lister: Rimmer, will you cut it out? Red Dwarf to starbug.
	Please identify your selves.

(on the view screen, Kristien Kochanski appears.)

Rimmer + Kryten: Oh god not her again.
Cat: (huge smile across his face.) Hey! Officer with cute bum
	present.
Lister: Krisie?
Kochanski: Hi Dave. I see you lot still have your ship in one
	piece.
Lister: Yeah, I mean, what did you expect?
Kochanski: Well, with the way the cat drives.
Cat: Smooth, baby, smooth.

(everybody gives him a look.)

Kochanski: OK if we come aboard for a little R&R;?
Rimmer + Kryten: NO!!
Lister: Sure, come aboard. Looking forward to seeing you.
Rimmer: What are you thinking off?
Lister: (raises eyebrows.)
Rimmer: (looks heavenwards) Oh typical.

(cut to DS9. Sisko's office)

Sisko: Well, Nerys. how does it feel to know you’ll be given
	birth in a few days?
Kira: Great. Man, my gut looks awful. Can't wait to get it back
	into shape.
Sisko: And how does it feel to know you’ll be a father again,
	O'Brian?
O'Brian: I'm lost for words. All I can think of is.... Thank
	you Nery's.
Kira: Your welcome, Miles.
Sisko: (raises eyebrow. It stays that way.) Have you decided on
	a name yet?
O'Brian: Not yet, sir.
Sisko: Well, you better think of one soon.
O'Brian: Aye sir.
No-name voice/com: Sir, we are picking up ten Jem'Hadar attack
	ships coming out of the wormhole.
Sisko: Damn. I knew the writters wouldn't let all that peace
	and quiet stay around. Yellow alert. Activate Shields and
	weapons. Get Worf onto the Defiant, get Pilots to the
	Runabouts. We're gonna kick some butt.
Kira: (rather too enthusiastically) Aye sir!
O'Brian: (looks terrified at that last remark) Where do you
	think your going?
Kira: (raises eyebrows.)
O'Brian: Oh no. . . .
Kira: Relax, it's a commercial break.
O'Brain: Phew.

(Insert Commercial break)

Borg Improvements. See all the whacky things Seven of Nine gets
up to when she sets up home and starts her own DIY show.

(cut to studio made up to look like a workshop, with special
guest, Norm Abrahem from "This old house".)

Norm: Now, to use this sand paper, to cut the door's frame
	properly you have to…
Seven: That is an ineficent method of wood carving. A more
	efficent way is to use this hand phaser, (whips out a hand
	phaser and carves along the door frame creating a perfect
	design on the front and back, as well as sanding the door)
	and set it to level 1 for a more effective technique.
Norm: Uh, yeah.

And then there is life at home,

(Cut to a single story open plan house, with a kitchen unit
with all the regular units and equipment you'd expect, plus a
Borg regenertion unit in the corner, with Seven in it. The
camera pans across to a window to show the fence of the back
garden, which has Harry Kim looking over it, with Binoculars,
which he quickly replaces with a cam-corder.)

Or, rather there isn't. But who cares? It's got Seven in it,
Hell she's got soooo many new skin tight outfits to wear, with
variation's based on Troi's "uniform".

Borg Improvements, right after Borgwatch, most likely on UPN in
America, and maybe ITV in the UK.

(End commercial break)

(cut to shot of the Defiant leaving DS9, followed by the
Runabouts. DS9's weapons systems are seen activating
themselves. The Jem'Hadar start to attack without mercy. So the
Defiant kicks the butts of about five of them while the others
scream on by to DS9.)

Dax: Ben! Their beaming into the station.
Sisko: Sisko to Odo. We got Jem'Hadars on the station. Kick
	their Dinosaur like butts off it.
Odo: Aye sir.
Dax: Ben! One of the war ships is on a suicide course.
Sisko: With who?
Dax: Upper pylon two.
Sisko: . . . . . . . Shit.

(cut to shot of space. The Starbug approaches Red Dwarf and
docks next to the regular green Starbug. Cut to one of red
Dwarf's "night clubs" The regulars are there as well as the
alternative Kochanski, Lister, Cat and Kryten.)

Rimmer: I thought this was supposed to be an alternative crew
	of us?
Lister: It is, but in their reality Kochanski took Frankenstein
	off me, and she got caught with her. She was placed in
	stasis and I was brought back as a hologram to keep her
	sane.
Rimmer: What about me?
Holo Lister: What about you?
Rimmer: What happened to my disk?
Holo Lister: We used your disk as a Frisbee.
Rimmer: What?!?! (starts to throw a punch at Holo Lister who
	blocks and then beats the shit out of Rimmer.) OW! Stop!
	This is insurboadination!
Alternative Cat: So how do you like my suit?
Cat: I love it. How many sequins do you have?
Alter Cat: I dunno. Count. (spins around and everyone is
dazzled by the millions upon millions of sequins on his suit.)
All: Arrgh!
Holo Lister: Arrgh. Cat, give us a warning man. So we can put
	on some kind of protection. Like those face masks wielders
	use.
Alter Cat: Sorry. (to Cat) So what about you?
Cat: I dunno. Count. (spins around and blinds everyone else
	again.)
Al: Arrrgh!!!!! CAT!!!!
Cat: Gotta go. (Sprints off.)
Kryten: I always meant to ask the last time we met. Why the
	golden suit?
Gold Kryten: In my universe, all mechanoids have gold suits.
Kryten: I bet you love to clean that suit. I know I would.
Gold Kryten: (looks disgusted) Uh, yes. You don't get out much?
	Do you?
Lister: So, still a hard light hologram then?
Holo Lister: Yep. A very HARD light hologram.
Lister: And still jumping Krissies bones?
Holo Lister: Oh yes.
Lister: (under breath) Bastard. (normal) And you still can't
	eat or drink?
Holo Lister:  Er, no. I can't.
Lister: (takes a very long swig of larger. Holo Lister looks
	annoyed.) Care for some vinadloo? (pushes some over to
	Kochanski.)
Kochanski: (looks down at the brown coloured, foil packaged
	meal and reels away in disgust) No thanks.

(cut to space. A Gelf ship can be seen approaching. Weapons
ready.)

Holly: Alert. Alert. There’s an alert going on, it's going on,
	and it's still going on. Gelf ship approaching. Weapons
	ready.
Lister: Can you get an ID?
Holly: Yes Dave.
Lister: Well?
Holly: (pause) It's your wife, Dave.
Lister: Not?
Kryten: (looking at console) It is, sir. It's, (takes a deep
	breath) Hagahahahagahaghag-hagagaghag (deep breath)
	hahaghagaghag! Of the Kintowowie.

(at this point the ship starts to shake and rattle and the
entire crew falls down to the floor.)

Kryten: And they want you back, sir.
Alter Cat: What’s the score with this babe?
Lister: This is no Babe, this is some kind of Yeti, descendent
	from a Mousse and cross bread with a yak.
Rimmer: You've dated worse.
Holo Lister: Why do I get the feeling this is going to be a
	long story?
Rimmer: (chuckling) It is, oh it is.
Kochanski: We got to get the weapons systems on our starbug
	ready.
Holo Lister: Right. Kryten, Cat with me. Kris, you stay here.
Kochanski: What?
Holo Lister: The dimension jump weakened the hull. Your the
	last human alive. We can't risk losing you. You stay here.
Kochanski: But-

(by this time, the rest of her crew have left. Cut to DS9.
Sisko's office.)

Sisko: (armed with phaser rifles in both hands) REPORT!!!!
Dax: (places a finger in one of her ears to ease the ringing.)
	Odo has the Jem'Hadar under control. Just as well we had
	all those Klingon at Quarks bar.
Sisko: Eh?
Dax: They kicked the Jem'Hadars butts. They do after all live
	for this.
Sisko: Oh.

(cut to space battle. Starbug and the Gelf ship. The Gelf ship
is mercilessly blasting away at the bug. The camera moves in
towards starbug very fast. We can see the engine section can't
take much more. suddenly a laser blast tears away part of the
hull. The wormhole opens up again sucking in the Gelf ship,
Starbug and after a bit of a struggle, Red Dwarf. Cut to battle
at DS9. The remaining Jem'Hadars are blasting away at the
station when the Defiant arrives. They break off their attack
and fly off towards the wormhole when, another wormhole opens,
depositing the Red Dwarf, Starbug, and the Gelf vessels. Most
of the Jem'Hadars crash into the asteroid underneath Red Dwarf.
the Gelfs start to attack everything they can and destroy the
remaining Jem'Hadar vessel. It then turns on the crippled
Starbug and mercilessly blasts it out of existence. Cut to Red
Dwarf control room. Everyone is staring in horror at the
remains of Starbug.)

Kochanski: Oh, no.
Lister: I'm sorry Krissi.
Cat: Me too.
Rimmer: Well, at times like this. You know things can't get any
	worse.

(Everyone looks at Rimmer in disgust.)

Rimmer: WHAT?
Kryten: (suddenly realises what this means.) Oh NO! This means
	we're stuck with her.
Kochanski: Oh god, no. Not again.
Lister: (tries to look neutral, but you can see he's still
	interested in Kochanski.)
Kryten: (whinging) I'm going to lose you to her. I know I am.
	And I know why too.  All those, iny outy bits she has,
	that I don't. (breaks down in tears.)
Kochanski: Wha? Dave? What is it with him?
Lister: I'm not sure. I think he must have a few more things
	messed up in there other then his guilt chip.
Kryten: I do not have anything wrong with me.
Cat: Bud, you're the one who tried to clean a navigational
	computer with soapy water. Your the one who gets an orgasm
	every time you clean laundry, your the one who has three
	spare heads and a spare arm that all hate him. But most
	importantly, you're the one who put in a red sock with my
	washing and ruined exactly one millionth of my clothes.
Kryten: There is nothing wrong with me.
Rimmer: this is all very nice, but what about the fact that
	Lister's Misses and her crew are now boarding us?
All: Oh SMEG! ! ! ! ! !

(cut to the bridge of the Defiant. Worf is sitting in his chair
barking orders. Bashir is trying to rationalise with him.)

Bashir: But Commander, we can't fight the Jem'Hadar any more.
	They're all dead.
Worf: You fool. Have you forgotten. They have access to
	cloaking technology?
Bashir: WE! JUST! BLEW! THEM! ALL! UP!
Worf: Oh. Well, I need new enemies to fight. And stop acting
	like Kirk.
No-name #1: Sir. A vessel that destroyed a Jem'Hadar ship, and
	then a vessel marked Starbug, is now boarding a vessel
	marked Red Dwarf.
Worf: Starbug? Red Dwarf? Why are those names so familiar?
Bashir: (holds a hand over his face) Good grief man. can't you
	remember Spoof Trek?
Worf: This is a sequel?
Bashir: (slowly so Worf can understand) Yes.
Worf: Then the writer has no honour and we must destroy Starbug
	so this parody can end on time, instead of dragging on for
	another thirteen episodes.
Bashir: Starbug was destroyed by the other vessel, which is
	attacking, no, boarding, Red Dwarf.
Worf: The honourless, Bastards. For that I will destroy them.
	For I wish to destroy Red Dwarf.
Sisko voice/com: Sisko to Defiant, I want you to defend Red
	Dwarf against that vessel.
Worf: Oh man. I wanted to destroy Red Dwarf.
Sisko: Tough. Red Dwarf are friends, Worf. We don't attack
	friends.
Worf: But, they have not returned our hails. Friends would
	return Hails.
Bashir: We haven't hailed anyone. Except the Jem'Hadar's. And
	that was a message.
Sisko: And it was?
Bashir: (looking at Worf) Today is a good day to die, Jem’Hadar
	scum balls. 
Worf: Aaaaaargogah.
Sisko: Wha? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Worf: Tension breaker.
Sisko: Oh.
Worf: Why must we save those weaklings onboard Red Dwarf?
Sisko: Cos otherwise, there wouldn't be an episode, would
	there?
Worf: SO? I'm not worried. I've got Star Trek 9 to star in yet,
	that will bring in some cash.
Sisko: Also, Dax is ready to wear even less of that swimsuit
	she wore on Risa again, if, you help Red Dw-
Worf: LAY IN A COURSE! WARP 9!!!!!

(cut to DS9. Ops.)

Sisko: works every time.
Dax: What works?
Sisko: (smiling) Best you don't know. (Jem'Hadar sneaks up
behind him.)
Dax: BEN! !
Sisko: (accidentally fires Phaser rifles which are resting on
	top of his shoulders. Jem'Hadar disappears with that
	expression everyone has on their faces when their
	molecules are disrupted.) What?
Dax: Nothing.

(cut to Red Dwarf. The Defiant has now docked next to Starbug 1
and the GELF vessel. Worf is issuing orders to his security
teams.)

Worf: OK! Vict- er, people. Set your phasers to stun, unless
	you want to see that funny look on their faces when you
	disrupt their molecules and spread them accross thin air
	never to be reunited. Remember, we are here to save the
	lives of the last human from another dimension, a
	humanoid, a mechonoid with a hyper active guilt chip, and
	an insane hologram. Shoot anything else. Except
	yourselves.
Bashir: What about their demented computer? Hilly?
Worf: You mean Holly? Destroying that would only improve
	matters on this ship.

(Worf, Bashir and the more likely then not, doomed security
teams set off on their mission. Cut to a dark corridor. Bashir
and his five men are slowly walking down it, waving phaser
riffles about randomly and trying to look tough.)

Bashir: (looking at Tricoder) I'm getting.... something. (they
	all move forward a bit more slowly.) Can't quite get a
	clear reading. (the security team stop moving. They look
	terrified.) It's almost as if it's some kind of
	crossbreed, between a shark, Lion and a piranha? (hits
	tricorder a few times, then looks up into the face of an
	eight foot tall, shaggy creature, with fins on it's back,
	a shark like tail and loads of horrible little teeth. This
	is one of many types of GELFS.)
	AAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! (suddenly the creature
	disappears in an explosion of blood, guts and various
	little pieces of bone. Bashir, now shaking like a leaf,
	turns to thank his security team.) Th, th, Th. Tha, thank
	yo- BEHIND YOU!! (the security team turn around, only to
	be slaughtered by several GELFS, some that look very
	similar to the one they just destroyed. Bashir, realising
	that there is nothing he can do for his men, turns tail
	and runs for it.) 

Bashir: Take care of them men.

(The scene cuts to a similar one in a dark passage on Red
Dwarf. Worf and his team are taking on what appears to be a
group of grizzly bear based Hippo's. Worf has personally hacked
three to death with his Met'lath. Deciding he needs some more
hardcore weaponry, Worf picks up a BFG 9000 Phaser Bazooka and
then proceeds to mow down everything in sight. GELF's, humans,
you name it, creatures from Doom, Quake II, etc.)

Worf: Opps. (also turns tail and runs for it when he sees
	several armoured GELF's coming his way) Running from an
	Armadillo/pit bull, who'd have thought it?

(Cut to an intersection where we can see two different
corridors merging together. Worf and Bashir can be seen running
down both of them and yes they do indeed collide with each
other and the camera man, causing him to fall over cursing at
them.)

Worf: DOCTOR!
Bashir: (muffled) What?
Worf: Where are your team?
Bashir: Dead. Where's yours?
Worf: Dead. They were, er, slaughtered by grizzly's. Yeah,
	that’s the ticket.
Bashir: Slaughtered by GRIZZLY'S?
Worf: Yeah, Grizzly's. What killed yours?
Bashir: Shark's. And Piranha's, and Lion's.
Worf: You expect me to believe that?
Bashir: You expect me to believe you?
Worf: I am your superior.
Bashir: (smug) Only in rank.
Worf: Grrrrrrr.
Bashir: Fine, let's just get on with our job, eh?
Worf: Fine, I'll take this corridor to the left (points to
	right) you take this corridor to the right (points to
	left)
Bashir: Tell you what. Let's stick together.
Worf: And have no honour?
Bashir: Fine. We’ll stay separate then. Undoubtedly we’ll be
	picked off one by one by those creatures and die a
	horrible death.
Worf: Erm, let's stick together then.
Camera Man: What about me?
Worf: You stay here.

(cut to social area in Red Dwarf. The Dwarfers are there,
barricading themselves in there with what ever they can find.)

Kryten: Let's just be glad that none of the GELF's have shape
	shifting powers. Otherwise they could come through the air
	vents.
All: (realise that that's the one place they haven't sealed)
	SHIT!!! (suddenly an air vent is kicked open. The Dwarfers
	all aim their weapons at it and prepare to fire until Worf
	comes through.)
Kochanski: What the hell is that?
Lister: Oh, that’s Worf.
Worf: Oh! Hi, Dave. We are here to rescue you.
Kochanski: You sure that isn't a GELF?
Worf: GELF?
Kryten: Genetically Engineered Life Form.
Worf: Ah, so that's what killed our men.
Lister: You’re men?
Bashir: (climbing out of air vent) Several groups attacked us
	and slaughtered our men. (loses footing and falls to the
	ground) Ow!
Kochanski: My god! Is there a Doctor on the ship?
Bashir: (moaning while under remains of a table) Yes, right
	here.
Kochanski: Wha?
Worf: He is the Doctor.
Kochanski: Dr Who?
Rimmer: No. Dr Bashir, not Dr Who.
Cat: Whoa? How'm I looking? (pulls out mirror) I'm looking
	good.
Lister: Cat, we have no time for that. We have to leave now.
	The GELF's have taken over the ship.
Holly: What about me?
Kryten: Your an integrailae part of Red Dwarf systems. They
	won't damage you unless they want to ruin the ship.
Holly: Oh, ok, thanks. I think.
Rimmer: Giving the intelligence of a GELF, I think the ship is
	doomed. Mind you, giving the intelligence of Holly, I'm
	surprised we haven't collided with something.
Worf: Who cares? Let's get out of here.
Lister: Don't worry Hol, man. We’ll be back for you.
Kochanski: Wait. How do we get out?
Bashir: We climb out through the air vents of course.
All: Ohhh.

(and so the crew do this and eventually find themselves in a
corridor identical to all the others on Red Dwarf, thanks to
the lousy, cheapo BBC types. Suddenly all the security
protocol's are put in place and all the doors slam shut and the
air vent's are covered. Over the intercom, Lister's GELF bride
can be heard speaking.)

Lister: OK, Kryter's. What does she want?
Kryten: I'll translate sir. Apparently, she wants you, still.
	And she’s willing to let us all go, alive. If you go back
	to her.
Lister: Not a chance in hell. We got to get out of here.
Worf: I'll blast the doors down (fires phaser at doors. Nothing
	happens.) Damn.
Cat: I know. We plug in a few laser wielders to the wall
	sockets then we use them to cut open the doors, and we
	fight our way to freedom.
Kryten: A good plan, sir, but with some minor problems. Two
	actually. One being that we don't have sockets for laser
	Blaster’s. But that doesn't matter because of point two,
	laser wielders don't exist.
Rimmer: Point three we've had this conversation before, you
	flea bitten moggy.
Bashir: Also if Phaser's had no effect on it, I doubt laser's
	would have any effect either.
Kochanski: (looks at Bashir, interested) Really?
Bashir: (also interested in her) Yes, in fact- (gives a
	detailed analysis about why lasers wouldn't work when
	phaser didn't.)
Worf: There must be some way to get those doors down.
Lister: Yeah, there is. We need something made of metal, six
	feet tall, and with a flat bit at the top.
Kryten: (groaning) Not again.

What does Kryten mean, "not again"? Is there some kind of
romance going on between Kochanski and Bashir? Will Lister's
"wife" ever get him back? will Rimmer stop being a dork? Will
the Cat ever stop looking in his mirror? Not likely. Find out
in, part two.

Part two: The one with the clash of the foreheads!

Guest stars:
Chris Eubank: as the man with the squashed nose and a lisp.
Mike Tyson: as the man with no brain.
And Bob Dole and John Major: as the political has beans.

All hell broke lose when, no waitaminuite. We've used that
intro before in this series. Gotta think of something new. Tum
de tum de tum. Think, think, think. Oh hell, can't think of a
new way to write up an intro. I'll just get on with the summing
up. A G.E.L.F. attack on Red Dwarf while they were having a
meeting with an alternate group of themselves, caused them to
move dimensions and bump into the Trek universe again.
Unfotunatley the alternate crew were mostly killed, stranding
one member of them (Kochanski) with a lusting Lister.
Meanwhile, DS9 which were under attack from the Jem'hadar,
saves the Dwarfers from death and sends an away team to bring
them over. Unfortunatly the G.E.L.F.'s had taken over and
killed most of the teams Worf and Bashir had taken with them.
Now They and the Dwarfer's must find a way off the ship before
Lister's G.E.L.F. bride tears them apart limb by limb.

(A section of Red Dwarfs corridor, complete with sealed door
that is being attacked by something on the other side.
Eventually the door gives and we can see that Lister, Cat,
Rimmer, Worf and Bashir are holding Kryten at waist height and
have been bashing his head against the door.)

Kochanski: (not really concerned) Are you alright, Kryten?
Kryten: Yes, thank you Mrs Thatcher.
Kochanski: Uh huh. I think he's just about had it.
Lister: Just two more doors to go. then we can get to Starbug
	and escape.
Worf: We are taking the Defiant.
Lister: OK, I'm not arguing with you man.
Worf: A wise move.
Rimmer: Wait a minute. What’s that pink thing on the ground?
Bashir: Looks like the colour of Kryten "Flesh".
Lister: Uh oh. Krisi?
Kochanski: Yes, Dave?
Lister: Pick it up, will you?
Kochanski: Got it.
Lister: What is it?
Kochanski: A piece of Kryten's skull.
Lister: Shit. we can't keep using him like this. We need to use
	something else.
Cat: what about one of the doors?
Kochanski: We can't. There all to badly warped from the impact
	from Krytens head.
Bashir: Well, what have we got that’s long, hard and could
	knock down doors WITHOUT damaging itself?
Worf: I do not know.

(all eyes fall on Worf.)

Worf: Wha? Why are you all looking at me like that?
Lister: Tall.
Rimmer: Hard.
Bashir: could knock down walls without damaging itsel- er,
	himself.
Worf: Now hold on a minute.

(cut to DS9. Sisko is walking down the promenade, surveying the
damage and thinking of stringing up a few Jem’Hadar heads as
trophy’s. Quark comes running up to him.)

Quark: Commander, er, that is, Captain. You got to come and
	look in my bar. Your not going to believe what just
	arrived in here.
Sisko: Hmm. Let me guess. Dead Jem’Hadar? Drunk Klingons?
Quark: Worse then that.
Sisko: You've got a special offer going on?

(they enter the bar, which is filled with dead bodies, most of
which died from the drinks. Morn is sitting there as if nothing
has happened.)

Sisko: Oh, good grief. What are you people doing here?
Quin: Well, it's a long story.
Maggie: But we can make it short.
Sisko: You better. But first explain why those people are
	dressed like.... that.
Wolverine: You talking to me, bub?
Sisko: Yes, I am. Don't you know only women are allowed to wear
	skin tight lycra on board Starfleet installations?
Wolverine: Starfleet, huh? (tears off a piece of a cigar.)
Sisko: Those are banned in our society.
Wolverine: I ain't part of your, society. (starts chewing part
	of the cigar.)
Forge: Logan. Where’s your manners?
Wolverine: same place my adamantiem is.
Bishop: Great, typical. Don't you have any control over your
	self, Logan?
Wolverine: Nope. (spits out a piece of cigar.)
Sisko: Enough. (wipes cigar from his boot) Now, Mr Mallory,
	would you care to explain what these people are doing with
	you?
Quin: Well, on our last slide, we found ourselves on their
	world. Its a world where humanity is developing into two
	different groups, Homo sapiens, and Homo superior. Homo
	superior are basically mutants with various powers, while
	Homo sapiens are basically normal people.
Wolverine: (lighting cigar) what’s "normal"?
Sisko: Quite.
Quin: when we slid to their world, we found that there was a
	few problems with Apocalypse trying to steal the timer,
	and X-Man declaring us all Evil.
Wade: I told you we should have dumped that psycho hose bitch.
Maggie: HEY!
Wolverine: Yeah well, X-man will declare almost anyone, evil.
	And he's supposed to be the most powerful telepath since
	Xavier.
Quin: Anyhow, we were all cornered by Apocalypse and the timer
	went off in front of us, dragging in these X-men as well.
Rembrant: That and the fact that Cyclops was ready to blow your
	head off after you tried to score with Jean Grey.
Quin: So?
Rembrant: They were married.
Quin: So?
Rembrant: And Psylocke, and Rogue, and Storm, and even Jubilee
	for crying out loud.
Wolverine: (cigar goes flying out of his mouth and hits the
	bulls eyes of the dart board, causing all the lights to go
	off.) You tried to score with little Jubilee? What are
	you? Some kind of freak?
Maggie: That rich coming from you, you flea bitten, animal.
Wolverine: WHAT!?
Forge: Uh, oh.
Wolverine: (pops claws) I'M NOT an animal.
Forge + Bishop: Uh, oh.
Wolverine: I'm a MAN! (foaming at the mouth) NOT AN
	ANIMAL!!!!!!
All men: Uh, oh.
Wolverine: (jumps on top of Maggie) I'm LOGAN! you hear me?
	LOGAN!!!!!
Maggie: (somehow managing to stay upright AND standing.) Would
	you mind not spitting in my face?
Quin: Logan? St.Clair? Where?
Wade: Not that Logan, dimwit.
Quin: Oh.
Forge: Bishop, restrain him.
Bishop: Restrain who?
Forge: Wolverine of course.
Bishop: ARE YOU CRASY? He'll tear me apart limb from limb!
Forge: Exactly.
Wolverine: I'm a MAN! Do you hear me? I'm Logan!
Sisko: Uh huh. (spots Bashir walking past.) Doctor. Back so
	soon? Would you mind coming in here for a moment.
"Bashir": Uh, yeah. sure.
Sisko: (nods at Wolverine) Sedate him, quick.
"Bashir": (quickly walks up to wolverine and pops a hypo into
	his arm.) There you go.
Wolverine: (retracts claws) What were you trying to do to me?
	Trying to poison me? I'll tell ya why that wasn't a good
	idea. Cause I'm a mutant, with a mutant healing power, and
	mutant claws. And in a minute, Bub, your gonna be wishing
	you hadn't messed with the old canuckle head. (pops claws
	and starts swinging at "Bashir" who loses an arm, an ear
	and half his face. There’s a good chunk of his body gone,
	but there’s no blood. the separated limbs all turn into a
	familiar looking substance.)
Sisko: CHANGELING!!! (fires phaser rifles and destroys
	"Bashir")
Wolverine: Shoulda known better, bub. (retracts claws.)
Wade: I hate when he does that.
Maggie: I like it.
Rembrant: You would.
Sisko: Must have been a changling infiltrator who sneaked in
	during the attack.
"Bashir" : It's a living. . . . . .
Sisko: OK, but where is the real Bashir?

(speaking of whom. we see yet another door on Red Dwarf being
rammed down. When the dust clears, we can see Lister, Cat,
Rimmer and Bashir holding Worf in mid air. Kochanski is helping
a limping Kryten.)

Worf: Urrrr. Five more minutes, Mom.
Lister: You OK, man?
Bashir: According to Dax, he's always like that in the mornings
Cat: Hey, there’s Starbug. Lets get in it quick.
Bashir: But what about the Defiant?
Lister: We know our way about the Bug, we'd be useless in the
	Defiant. 
Kochanski: (muttering) You were useless on Starbug.
Lister: (re Defiant) Don't worry about it. It's got central
	locking and an alarm hasn't it? Not like it's going to be
	going anywhere is it?
Bashir: But what if the GELFs get in it?
Rimmer: Its not like their going to be able to get past the
	security is it? come on.
Kochanski: Move it Kryten.
Kryten: Leave me, I'm too weak to move. I'm just slowing you
	down.
Kochanski: We are in the cargo bay, we can escape. Now, move
	your mechanical butt, or I'll tell Dave about your other
	groinal attachments.
Kryten: (snaps to attention) Yes marm.

(the Dwarfers quickly board Starbug and blast off not knowing
that there’s a visitor hanging onto the hull next to the
engines.)

Polymorph: Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

(in Quarks a muffled explosion is heard)

Sisko: What the hell was that?
Forge: Unless I miss my guess, that was a spaceship hitting
	this space station.
Sisko: I take it you have experience in this kind of matter?
Forge: Well, I have saved the universe on a couple of
	occasions.
Sisko: I'm sure you have.
O'Brian: (walks in) Captain, we need to deal with Starbug.
Sisko: Starbug? What's a Starbug? Some kind of chocolate bar?
O'Brian: No.
Sisko: Some new technobable you and Dax have managed to come up
	with?
O'Brian: No.
Sisko: Then I'm well and truly stumped. What is it?
O'Brian: It's the transport vessel that the Red Dwarf crew were
	using to get over here with.
Sisko: So what is the problem, chief?
O'Brian: IT JUST CRASHED INTO UPPER PYLON 3!!!!
Sisko: What? . . . . Shit!
O'Brian: Right now I need every technology aware person here to
	help me with the inertial dampeners on that part of the
	station as well as the seismic vibration muffles, the
	sensor array, and the isoliner optical chip banks and the
	heisnburg von remington carburettors.
Quin: I'll help.
Forge: Me too.
O'Brian: Good. Come with me quick.
Rom: What about me?
O'Brian: Go work on the waste systems. (Rom looks disappointed)
Sisko: Good luck. You'll need it.
Dax voice/com: Ben! we've just picked up another ten Jem’Hadar
	war ships heading our way.
Sisko: So?
Dax: Our shields are down.
Sisko: Oh.

(Just then a dozen Jem’Hadar warriors beam in and start to
slaughter innocent passserbys. O'Brian, Rom, Quin and Forge
leave as fast as possible.)

Quark: Hey! Those were potential customers.
Sisko: Security to the promenade. Constable I need you here
	now.
Wolverine: Mind if I get my (pops claws) cut of the action? 

(jumps into the fray and starts to mutilate Jem’Hadar
soldiers.)

Sisko: (only vaguely paying attention) Yeah sure. Go ahead.
Bishop: (produces one of the biggest guns you've ever seen.)
	See you later. (jumps in firing a few blasts that tear the
Jem’Hadar to pieces.)
Wade: Yuck.
Maggie: When I look at you, all I see is weakness. (jumps into
	the fray and instantly starts to kick the Jem’Hadar
	around, grabs a riffle and starts to mow down Jem’Hadar
	scum.)
Rembrant: Well, must be that time of the month again.
Wade: With her, it's like every day is that time of the month.
Sisko: Oh, and if you want a Runabout, no.
Wade: Huh?
Sisko: In the first parody, you asked if you could have a
	Runabout to get back to the Alpha quadrant in, if Rembrant
	sang for us. Well, after hearing his singing back then,
	the answer was no, and the answer is still no.
Wade: Those scenes were never used in the parody, they were
	edited out.
Sisko: Why?
Rembrant, Man it was thirteen parts long in the end. How long
did you want it?
Sisko: Good point.

(cut to upper pylon 3. O'Brian, Quin and Forge are busy at
work.)

O'Brian: Reckon you know enough to help me kid?
Quin: Sure. I mean. I created sliding didn't I? Anything else
	should be easy as child’s play.
O'Brian: You've never had kids have you? (notices Forge) What
	are you doing? 
Forge: (surrounded by various bits of equipment that weren’t
	there five seconds ago, and do not look like anything ever
	seen in Trek.) Creating.
O'Brian: What?
Forge: I don't know. It ought to help though.
O'Brian: (dryly) Are you sure you know what your doing?
Forge: You see this hand, (hold up bionic hand) and this leg?
	(points at bionic leg) I made them myself. Of course I
	know what I'm doing. My mutant power is too create
	literally anything.
O'Brian: (surprised) Really?!
Forge: Yes. Now, pass me your scanning device.
O'Brian: (passing a tricorder) Tricorder.
Forge: What?
O'Brian: It's called a Tricorder.
Forge: Whatever. Man, Charles has better stuff then this that
	he's had reversed engineered from the Shi'ar.
O'Brian: Shi'ar?
Forge: Aliens. Not that you'd know anything about them.
O'Brian: I've been encountering aliens since I joined
	Starfleet. we happen to be under attack from some
	merciless, drug addicted soldiers who happen to be aliens.
Forge: Drug addicted eh? That’ll really make Logan day.

(cut to Promenade. Wolverine is busily slashing away at the
Jem'Hadar without a care in the world.)

Jem'Hadar #1: Shoot him.
Jem'Hadar #2: what do you think I've been doing? Firing a pea
	shooter? Honestly. It's like he can just ignore the pain
	caused from the blast.
Jem'Hadar #1: Alright. Set to disrupt.
Jem'Hadar #2: Set. Firing.

(an arch of plasma is fired from the weapon hitting Wolverine
full on the chest, knocking him down.)

Jem'Hadar #1: Now how did he survive that?
Jem'Hadar #2: I don't know. This thing was set on maximum. But
	he looks like he's only been hit by a stun blast.
Jem'Hadar #1: Quick. cut his head off.
Bishop: I wouldn't try that Gentlemen.
Jem'Hadar #1: FIRE !!

(the Jem'Hadars start firing at Bishop who absorbs their shots)

Bishop: Not a good idea to try that on an energy absorber. Even
	less of a good idea to do it on an energy absorber and
	rechaneler. (returns their energy blast from his hands
	wiping out Jem'Hadar #1 and Jem'Hadar #2) They never
	learn.
Wolverine: Grrr. (leaps to his feet and starts to disembowel
	even more Jem'Hadars. suddenly a load of lights come
	flashing on and off. Howard Stern come on, dressed like a
	game show host.)

Stern: Logan. You've just disembowelled your one millionth
	victim since you lost your Adamantium. How do you feel?
Wolverine: Like continuing. (disembowels Stern)
Stern: Uuuurgh!
Bishop: LOGAN!
Wolverine: (innocently) What?
Bishop: You KNOW Jubilee likes that guy.
Wolverine: He's a bad influence.
Bishop: (rolls eyes heaven wards) Oh really. I wonder who else
	that she admires is a bad influence?

(Insert Commercial break)

This summer, New York city was, TRAMPLED by Godzilla, SMASHED
into with a meteriote (or something like that), and finaly,
WASHED away by a giant tidal wave, by another big hunk of rock
from outer space, and NOBODY noticed the difference. But now
the surviours have to pick up the pieces.

Rachel: That was like, unreal.
Ros: Yeah. Now we're the only ones left in the world. Right?

Introducing: F.r.i.e.n.d.s. T.h.e. M.o.v.i.e. 

(Hey why not? They've all made movies separate of each, why not
bring em all together in the biggest load of crap since their
pilot?)

Rachel: The only surviours?

(They look at each other, and start to lean closer. Just as
their about to kiss, Monica comes in.)

Monica: Man, those film crews made a mess. You'd have thought
	they'd could have cleaned up after themselves.
Joey: (walks in behind her) Nah, no one could ever notice the
	difference in THIS town.
Ross + Rachel: (holding their heads in their hands) I was this
	close.
Phebe: Oh, ho, I'm sensing bad vibes.

(Just then another lump of rock from space crashes into the
room killing everyone in there.)

Bruce Willis: (On the rock) Yippe K'Yay Mother&*£$er. (And why
	not?)
The world in General: Yay.

(End Commercial break)

(cut to the upper pylon. Forge has recalibrate the Tricorder
and his artificial right hand and is repairing the damage at an
amazingly fast pace.)

O'Brian: Maybe I ought to think of early retirement. Buy a boat
	or something.
Quin: He's repaired about 90% of the station already.
O'Brian: Humph.
Quin: Give that man a cigar.
O'Brian: (gives Quin a dirty look)
Forge: Right. I've finished. Your phasers are now even faster,
	your shields are back up and even stronger then ever.
	Well, what do you think?
O'Brian: I think I ought to leave, now.

(cut to promenade. Lister, Cat, Rimmer, Bashir and Kochaski
arrive in the middle of absolute chaos.)

Lister: It looks as if Wolverine from the X-men was here.
Rimmer: Oh, good grief. Lister, he's a comic book character. He
	doesn't-

(Three Jem'Hadars run past them screaming. Wolverine chases
after them.)

Rimmer: -exist?!?

(Wolverine tears the Jem'Hadar apart.)

Lister: See. I told you, I told you.
Rimmer: Shut up.
Quin: Hi guys.
Lister: Oh hi.
Rimmer: Ah HA!
Rembrant: Uh oh.
Rimmer: Don't think I've forgotten about all those things
	you've nicked from our show.
Wade: Oh, god.
Rimmer: And as you Americans are so fond of saying, "I'll sue."
Quin: (face to face with Rimmer) Get a LIFE!

(Sliders leave.)

Rimmer: How can I get a life? I'm dead. I'm a hologram, for
	smegs sake.
Lister: Calm down, man.
Rimmer: (calling after Quin.) With all due respect, which
	frankly your not. Your finished. I'm going to make sure of
	that.

Sisko: Captain's log, stardate, er, erm, 53453466456.5435 carry
	the two. We have managed to fight off the Jem'Hadar and
	have even managed to repair the shields and weapons in
	record time. Now I must deal with our guests, one group of
	whom is sueing another group over copyright infringements.
	However, as Mr Lister cares to point out, and I quote "Do
	you relise what the chances are of there being a barney
	with FIVE blackmen involved, and not one of them getting
	nicked, are?" Just what the hell he's on about I have no
	idea. Must be some kind of Britt pop speak.

(Quarks bar. Sisko approaches the toilets.)

Quark: I wouldn't go in there sir.
Sisko: Why?
Quark: Worf went in there ten minutes ago and EVERYBODY in the
	bar heard him yell "FIRING PHOTON TORPEDOS!" (everyone
	looks at Quark who gives a sheepish look)
Sisko: (produces gas mask and nervously looks into toilet)
	Worf?
Worf: Yeah?
Sisko: Who’s that guy in the Adidas jogging suit, with the
	goatee lying unconscious on the floor with a black eye?
Worf: (inocently) I have no idea.
Sisko: I thought we told you to evacuate the toilet when you go
	in?
Worf: Actually sir, I punched him out.
Sisko: WHAT?
Worf: Sir, I . . .
Sisko: Why?
Worf: Well, he was at the urinal . . . 
Sisko: Yes?
Worf: And well, he was not urinating, sir.
Sisko: What was he doing?
Worf: Well he smiled and bared his bottom at me.
Sisko: And?
Worf: He was doing the five knuckle shuffle.
Sisko: (Looks at the man.) My god. Isn't that?
Worf: Yes sir.
Sisko: Waitaminute.
Worf: Yes?
Sisko: Didn't you say you didn't know who he was?
Worf: Did I? Oh well. FIRING PHOTON TORPEDO! ! ! (a loud
	sploshingnoise is heard.)
Sisko: Erm, well. I guess I'll have to wait . . .


(briefing room which has been changed into a court room again.
Sisko is presiding. The Sliders and Dwarfers are there. Rimmer
is beaming with confidence. The other Dwarfers are trying to
look like they really don't want to be there.)

Rimmer: I put it to you, the writers of Slider, have stolen
	ideas from Red Dwarf.
Quin: That’s Sliders. (the end of the Sliders intro is played
	as he says it exactly the way it is in the intro sequence)
Rime: Huh? . . .  Take for instance the idea of traverling to a
	world where time went backwards, we did that in our third
	series. The idea of a world where the male/female
	relationship works the other way around. We did that in
	our second series and Lister here got pregnant with twins
	after sleeping with himself.

(everybody look confused while Lister try's to hide.)

Rimmer: Also the Kromags seem to be a rip off of the Planet of
	the Apes.
Worf: I OBJECT!
Sisko: You can't object.
Worf: Yes I can, I have seen the GELFs.
Sisko: Er, yes, but have you seen a talking Monkey, or a
	Kromag?
Worf: Er, no.
Sisko: (nods his head) Jury will ignore the outburst.

(camera pans across to the jury box which is filled with
Ferangi.)

Rimmer: Yes the ape's have been ripped of by these people and
	their (Bashir is seen talking to Quin. Bashir nods his
	head and they move off) . . . Oi! Your honour, they can't
	walk out on me before I start doing some character
	assination.
Sisko: Why not? Everyone else has. (points hammer towards row
	after row of empty chairs except for the Cat, whose
	sleeping.)
Rimmer: I demand a recess.
Sisko: Granted Computer. 
Computer: Ber be bleep.
Sisko: Time since Worf used the toilets?
Computer: 2 hours 59 minutes, 55 seconds.
Cat: (wakes up) ME FIRST!!!! (rushes off)
Sisko: (rushes after him) Hey! I've been holding on since
	before then. Me first.
Cat: Try and catch up with me. (sprints off faster than a black
	hundred meters runner with the KKK after him.)

(Sisko leaves, Rembrant approaches the jury box.)

(Infirmary. Bashir and Quin go over to a computer and start
hooking up a few props and wires to Quins head.)

Bashir: Now these will allow us to scan your mind and produce
	evidence that will disprove Rimmers accusations.
	Unfortunately, you need to be sedated while the process is
	underway. (sedates Quin who falls asleep) Now to contact
	the Great link, and tell them about the death of the other
	Founder at the hands of that filthy mutant.

(Quarks bar. Sisko runs in to see that the cue for the toilet
stretches up to holosuites. Rembrant is sitting at a table with
the Jury, but Sisko never notices this.)

Dax: Hi Ben.
Sisko: Hi old man.
Dax: Ben, I'm a women, a young women, a young attractive women.
Sisko: To tell the truth I couldn't tell the difference.
Dax: BEN!
Sisko: (throughs arms wide, accidentally knocks Quark out)
	What?
Dax: (smiling) Nothing.
Worf: FIRING PHOTON TORPEDOS!
People in the cue for toilets: Oh god no.

(suddenly people start running out of the littlest room on the
space station, screaming and waving their arms frantically. The
more sensible ones are holding their noses.)

Sisko: Wha? I though he went hours ago.
Dax: Klingon back up digestive system. Go figure.
Sisko: Drat!

(suddenly a whole load of bright light comes out from the edges
of the door to the toilet. Lightning goes every where
demolishing several tables and frying the Dabo wheel making it
stick to a certain number.)

Leeta: DABOO!

(the door opens. Judge Dredd steps out dragging Worf out by his
hair. Dax laughs when she sees that Worfs trousers are around
his ankles.)

Sisko: Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?
Dredd: I'm Judge Dredd.
Sisko: As in that awful film?
Dredd: Actually I'm the comic book Dredd, far far better.
Sisko: MORE comic book characters?
Dredd: (points to Dabbo wheel) What is that? And what is this
	place?
Sisko: Your on DS9. This is the bar and that’s a Daboo wheel.
	you know, gambling.
Dredd: GAMBERLING? On licensed premises?
Sisko: Er yeah. Is there a problem?
Dredd: Yeah. Your all under arrest.
Sisko: On what charge?
Dredd: Having a bar with gambling equipment on it is illegal.
	Your all looking at a twenty year stretch in a Iso cube.
Sisko: But gambling ISN'T illegal here.
Dredd: It is on Earth.
Sisko: I'm from Earth.
Dredd: Which city creep?
Sisko: Excuse me?
Dredd: City, which city do you come from?
Sisko: Don't you mean country?
Dredd: Country? No ones been from a country since the Mega
cities were built.
Sisko: Mega Cities? (catches on) Your from an alternate
	timeline.
Dredd: I am?
Sisko: Yes. Now would you mind putting down my, my, officer.
	Dax, what is it Worf does here?
Dax: He’s the stragtic operations officer and head tactical
	officer.
Dredd: Tactical?
Dax: Yeah, weapons operator.
Dredd: Operating weapons is ileg-.
Dax: We are at war and we are Starfleet. We act as the
	Federations defence and exploration. We are allowed to use
	weapons because we are the military.
Dredd: Damn.
Sisko: So, would you let Worf go?
Dredd: He isn't a mutant is he?
Sisko: No, he's a Klingon?
Dredd: From Uranus?
Sisko: No, from Qu'ronos.
Dredd: Crow nos?
Sisko: No, it's pronounced Kro'nos.
Dredd: Well, do you have any mutants here?
Sisko:  A couple, why?
Dredd: Mega city one law dictates that all mutants within so
	much as a millimetre of the great wall must be instantly
	shot to death.
Wolverine: Zat so.
Dredd: Yes. And put that cigar out. Smoking is illegal.
Wolverine: Not here it ain't.
Sisko: Actually, it isn't, but then no one from Earth in my
	time smokes.
Dax: (sheepish grin at Worf) Well . . .
Sisko: Shut up, old man.
Wolverine: (Looks at Dax) Why'd he call you that, Darling?
Dax: Because I used to be a man, Darling.
Wolverine: (stubs cigar out on the back of his hand ) Now I've
	seen everything.
Dredd: (hauls Worf up to his feet) This seems to be causing
	some trouble with your facilities. Might be a good idea to
	send him to a doctor.
Sisko: I've considered that, but for other reasons.
Dax: HEY!
Wolverine: Well, what’s your problem with mutants?
Dredd: I don't have a problem with them, they just can't have
	anything to do with us or our city would be even more
	overrun then it is all ready. It's the law.

(Maggie comes in and sees Dredd)

Wolverine: So if one was standing right in front of you?
Dredd: I'd have to gun them down.
Wolverine: (pops claws) Then try me, BUB!!
Dredd: MUTANT!! (draws lawgiver)
Sisko + Dax: (start laughing when they see the size of Dredds
	poxy little gun)
Dredd: Standard execution! (fires gun, half of Quarks bar get's
	shot up.)
Quark: HEY!
Wolverine: Argh! (swipes Lawgiver out of Dredds hands) try that
	again and you'll lose yer hand, bub.
Dredd: (ducks down and grabs boot knife) No mutant is getting
	the better of me. 

(Dredd slices at Wolverine, who ducks and swipes it out of
Dredds hand again)

Dredd: Drok it!
Wolverine: Oooh! Tough language. (goes into a berserker killing
	rage)
Dredd: Grud on a greenie. (grabs ahold of a nearby table and
	throws it at Wolverine.)
Wolverine: (hit full on the head) ugh. Nice try pal. Takes more
	than that to get me out.
Dredd: (grabs hold of lawgiver levels it at Wolverine) HI EX!!
	(pulls trigger and fires off a round. Wolverine ducks and
	part of the bar blows up.)
Sisko: What the?
Dax: BEN!
Sisko: (throws arms up in shock, knocks out Dredd and Wolverine
	who were just about to try some up close combat.)
	WHAT!?!?!?
Dax: Well done.
Sisko: Huh? ( looks round and sees the unconscious bodies of
	Wolverine and Dredd.) How'd that happen?
Maggie: Nice gun. (swipes Lawgiver while no ones looking.)

( Cut back to the court case. Sisko has now hired an expert for
this trial.)

Judge Judy: Alright, everybody sitdown. NOW!!!

(everybody sits down out of sheer terror.)

Judy: That’s better. Right, what's the problem?
Rimmer: Er well, you see-
Judy: Getonwithit!
Rimmer: Yes Ma'am! Basically if you read this list of
	accusations you'll see that the Sliders TV programe has in
	fact stolen ideas from Red Dwarf. (hands over manifest.)
Judy: ( reads over the manifest ) Uh huh. And what do the
Sliders have to say.
Quin: Blame the Fox network executives.
Judy: We can't blame fat cats for everything.
Quin: Damn.

What will happen to our heroes? What is Bashir up to? Will
anyone else show up? What could the outcome possible be with
that bitch here?

Judy: I heard that. Bailiffs, get him the hell outa my court
	room.

You can't do this to me! I'm narroting the parody! I'm Union!

Judy: Not any more ya ain't!

(Bailiffs come in and beat the living snot outta the narrotor.
Who the hell does this women think she is?)

Judy: The women in charge! BALIFFS!

(Waitaminute. I'm the stage director. You can't-, hey! Get your
hands off me. Let go, you dirty punk!)

Judy: Anyone else got a comment to make? No? Good.

Script writer: (shoved out by a Bailiff) Erm, well, that's the
	end of, er, (consults script thrust in his face by the
	ever friendly and helpful Bailiff.) of Part two: The one
	with the clash of the foreheads! Be here soon for the next
	part. Part 3: The one with the uninteresting title. Did I
	do good? (Bailiff helps script writer off stage) Whoah!
	(script writer appears to have damaged his leg. Bailiff
	whistles to himself inocently.)

Part 3: The one with the uninteresting title.

Guest stars:
Michel J Fox, as the washed up celebrity.
An Alien once spotted holidaying at Roswell.
Nessie her self! (OK, Gillian Anderson, Claudi Christein and
Jeri Ryan in heavy prosthetic make up.)

(The courtroom, everyone is silent, Judge Judy is looking over
the occupants like an Eagle about to strike an innocent little
furry animal-)

Judy: I heard that, now shut up before I get the Bailiff's back
	in.

(ahem, yes OK. Everyone is silent. Judy is about to make a
legal decision. Rimmer is beaming with confidence.)

Judy: I've looked over the evidence, and I have to agree that
	Sliders have borrowed ideas from Red Dwarf. And it is my
	decision is that Mr Arnold J Rimmer,
Rembrant: (to Lister) What does the?
Lister: Judas.
Rembrant: Wha?
Lister: The "J" stands for Judas.
Rembrant: Oh.
Judy: Hey, shut up over there.
Lister: Sorry.
Rembrant: Sorry.
Judy: (stares lister and Rembrant into their seat's.) I said
	shut up. I have come to the conclusion that Mr Rimmer, is
	a complete and utter imcompitent git who couldn't wire in
	a light bulb safely.
Rimmer: Wha?
Judy: SHADUP! Anyhow. As much as I hate Rimmer, I have watched
	a couple of episodes of Sliders and have come to the
	conclusion that any show that kills off a man as lovely as
	Professor Arturo, and has him replaced with a well endowed
	women, deservse to be taken off the air. I will have a
	legal paper drawn up and posted to Fox to tell them this.
	I also have to follow this case up with the people behind
	Lost in Space, Land of the giants, Quantum leap, Planet of
	the Apes, and various other Sci-fi shows and films that
	have also been wanting to sue Sliders over copyright
	infringement.
Wade: Oh no. (breaks down in tears.) Fox are bound to take us
	off the air now.
Rembrant: (smiles to himself)
Maggie: Well, I guess I've done my job.
Rembrant: Not really. You see the Jury?
Maggie: Yeah?
Rembrant: Well they happen to own the Sci-fi channel. I've
	managed to make a bit of a deal with them about our show,
	but they want to talk to Quin about a few more details.
Wade: Sci-fi channel? Oh well. Do you think they'll let me dye
	my hair a different colour?
Maggie: What? And let the people be able to tell what season it
	is by your hair do? That would never catch on.
Lister: It did for Voyager.
Maggie: Stay out of this.

(Bashir and Quin walk in)

Bashir: We have evidence against Rimmer.
Judy: Too late. I've already came to a fully legaly blinding,
	er, binding conclusion.
Bashir: Then we appeal.
Judy: No you don't. Not one little bit.
Bashir: What? What about all my female fans? My fan clubs? The
	Eric Siddig El Fidle Droolers club?
Judy: They broke up after you got married.
Bashir: . . . . Shit!
Judy: Bailiffs, get him outa my court room.
Bashir: (when he sees the size of the three bailiffs aproching
	him.) What the? Hey letgo.
Quin: (to the other Sliders) Now what?
Rembrant: Well the owners of the Sci-fi channel want a word
	with you.
Quin: (looks over to where Rembrant is pointing. The Ferangi
	wave at him.) What are they?
Rembrant: Ferangi, but they own the Sci-fi channel, and they
	want to meet you.
Quin: Really?

(Cut to a shot of the Red Dwarf. The landing bay doors explode
open and the Defiant fly's out, heading for DS9. Meanwhile, an
Oberth class ship is also heading for DS9. Meanwhile, in Quarks
bar. Lister is having words with Rimmer. Meanwhile, the proof
readers tell me that I'm over using the word "MEANWHILE".)

Lister: (surrounded by beer bottles and cigarette smoke) Did
	you have to tell them about me getting pregnant?
Rimmer: Well, Sliders did have a similar plotline. Just be glad
	I didn't reveal that you are your own father, and that
	your Girl friend is your mother.
Lister: She's not my girl friend. Not any more, not yet,
	anyhow. Isn't there a pool table here?
Rimmer: I haven't seen any. Plenty of these Dabo tables,
	though.
Lister: But I don't wanna gamble, I wanna shoot some pool.
Wolverine: I know what yer mean.
Lister: So, how are you guys going to get home?
Wolverine: Forge is working on something right now. (lights
	cigar.) What about you guys?
Lister: Well, I've got my own universe to repoulate, so we'll
	find some way. Theres got to be something to do here.
Wolverine: There's a dartboard.
Lister: (doesn't look bothered) Well I'll give it a go.

(Cut to Op's. Forge is busy examining the Sliders Timer, the
Transporter systems, a warp core design, and the Cats
hairdryer.)

Forge: Yes, since all of these systems have been used before to
	create havoc in the form of this parody, I believe I
	should be able to create a device to get us all back to
	our respective points in the galaxy, and our own
	timelines.
Sisko: Good. So long as we aren't missing anything, I think
	we'd better begin.
Quin: So what are we going to do?
Forge: Well, first we have to figure some way of intergrating
	the separate systems.
Quin: Well, we slide in a couple of hours, so maybe you could
	use the replicators to copy our timer.
Forge: Sounds good to me. (puts Timer into a replicator.)
	There, it's copied. Now, to make a new one. (pass Timer to
Quin and begins to replicate a new Timer)
Dax: Ben, the Ship holding the M'Kran crystal has docked.
Forge: What? (drops new Timer. All hell breaks lose.)

(all the lights go off, then start to blink on and off really
quick.)

Sisko: What's going on?
Dax: All the lights are going on and off really quickly.
Sisko: Apart from that.
Dax: Oh, the Wormhole opened.
Quin: Mine, or yours?
Dax: I'm not interested. I'm seeing Worf.
Quin: I meant Wormholes.
Dax: Oh. Neither.
Sisko: What do you mean, neither? It has to be one or the
	other.
Dax: It's a whole new one, just outside Op's. Ben, I thinks
	it's from the new Timer.

(Everyone looks at Forge, who looks at the dropped Timer.)

Forge: Opps.
All: D'oh!

(Meanwhile in the Bar.)

Quark: Ahhhhhhhhh! I knew that dart board was going to be a
	menace.
Lister: Sorry, man. Here let me-
Quark: Get away from me. I can't trust your hands. ROM! Get
	this dart outta my EYE!
Wolverine: Look at it this way. If we'd been playing pool, this
	would never have happened during that power strike, right?
Rom: Strike? You mean cut?
Wolverine: Don't contradicte me.
Rom: Gulp!
Quark: Pool? Hmmm. Opertunity knocks.
Rom: More like it blinded you in one eye.
Quark: SHADUP! (whacks Rom upside the head) And help me get
	this thing out.
Rom: I think Dr Bashir better take a look at it.
Quark: Rom, I'm not in the mode for your lame jokes.
Rom: It's not a joke.
Quark: (waving hands round madly) JUST PULL IT OUT! ! ! ! ! OW!
	What the? Stop. STOP! (whinces with pain) I think Dr
	Bashir better have a look at it. (Moves off.)
Rom: That’s what I said.
Quark: ROM!
Rom: Coming brother! (runs off)
Wolverine: While their gone, lets raid the bar.
Lister: YEAH!

(The pair move off only to find Morn has beaten them to it and
has drunk Quark dry)

Mike + Servo + Crow: Ewwww. That’s disgusting.

Lister: You hear something?
Wolverine: Yeah, not sure what.

Servo: Deaf and hairy.

(Wolverine looks around, confused.)

Crow: And UGLY!

Wolverine: If I find out who's saying that. (pops claws)

Mike: How come he never bleeds when that happens?

(meanwhile in Op's. Dax is about to report that something has
came out of the Wormhole.)

Sisko: Well?
Dax: Well what?
Sisko: Your supposed to give me a report.
Dax: Why bother? The narator-

(stage director)

Dax: This is a parody in case you hadn't notice.

(So? Someone might print it out and use it for something. So
I'm the Stage director, OK?)

Crow: Like in what?

Dax: Whatever.
Sisko: Report.
Dax: Huh? Oh, yeah. Some unidentifable ship just came through
	the wormhole.

Mike: No change there then?

Sisko: (looks around as if though he'd heard something else)
	Thank you.
Kira: (sighs when she relises she's gotten a line.) We're being
	hailed.
Quin: (to Kryten) I gotta go. Cover for me will you?
Kryten: Of course sir, it's in my programing to do so.
Sisko: On screen.
Sheridan: I'm Captain John Sheridan. I'm here to make some new
	plot lines to keep this parody going.

Crow: Like we didn't see that one coming.

Kryten: (to Sisko) If I may sir? Where are you from?
Sheridan: Babylon 5.
Kryten: Uh oh.

(meanwhile in another corner of the bar. Quin is talking to the
other Sliders and the Ferangi.)

Quin: Yeah, well here ya go. New contracts for each of us.
Wade: (Reading through contract.) I am not having breast
	implants.
Rembrant: (reading contract) I am not growing a beard and long
	hair.
Maggie: (barely visable behind the Ferangi that are busy
	looking at her chest) I am not just going to stand around
	in the background and look pretty.
Quin: Well, we can negotiate.
Ferangi #1: No negotiations.
Wade: I'd rather deal with, Rupert Murdoch.
Quin: He owns Fox.
Wade: Oh.
Ferangi #2: (whispers in Quins ear) Loose the female with the
Red hair, we'll put you in bed with the babe.
Quin: (face lights up) Cooooool.
Rembrant: What about this beard thing?
Ferangi #3: Agreed. Shave it all off. It'll look better.
Rembrant: I've had the tash since high school.
Ferangi #3: Lose it, or your pay check.
Rembrant: (whips out a razor.) Done.
Ferangi #1: Good. Then we are all agreed.
Ferangi #2: (into comm unit) Beam the red haired female aboard.

(Maggie disapears in a swirl of light, her clothes drop to the
floor.)

Ferangi #2: NO! Not the babe, the Red Haired human female.

(In Ops Kira disapears, her catsuit drops to the ground, and
she is replaced with a naked Maggie.)

O'Brian: (screams like a woman.)
Dax: Sheesh. Just when you though you knew someone.

(back in the bar)

Ferangi #2: Ram, you incomptant. I said the human. Beam the two
	people back to their prevous postions.
Servo: Can these guys get ANYTHING right?

(Kira return to Op's. Naked.)

Mike: Apparently not.
Servo: Heeelo, Nurse.

O'Brian: Eppp! (covers Kira with a blanket) Alright, nothing to
	worry about. Nothing to see here.
Dax: But I've eight life times of experince of seeing this sort
	of thing.
All: Shut up Dax!

(Back in the bar. Maggie is stark naked and doesn't look
bothered in the slightest. The male patrons of the bar all have
their tongues and jaws on the floor.)

Ferangi #2: (slaps forehead.) Jesus, with their clothes on!

(Their clothes reappear. Much to all of the male patrons of the
bars disgust.) 

Odo: (woried about his, er, problem) Maybe I'd better ask Dr
	Bashir what to do next. 

Crow: Yeah get outta there. Besides your shape shifting skills
	were pathetic.
Mike: He's human now.
Crow: That’s no excuse.
Servo: What's with the facial bumps then?

(Odo leaves, meanwhile the Ferangi finally get their act
together and beam Wade over)

(Insert Commercial break)

It's been making all the critics on ALL subjects, sit up and
take note.

Barry Norman said: "Indeed, it's the biggest load of crap I've
seen, since I moved from the BBC to Sky. Oh, waitaminute, that
was only a couple of weeks ago. Er, darn, oh lets through in
one of these advert thingies."

But he does movies, so his opinion doesn't matter. Mind you,
even the tabloid press are taking note. 

The sun wrote: "Since Richard (of Good morning with Richard and
Judy) started taking Viagra, the new male impotence drug thing
that's taken awhile to get out of the states into Europe, we've
noticed a distinct improvement in his on screen appearance. He
has more energy, more entuthiasm, and undoubtedly he sex drive
must be improving, because Judy has been off so much more
during the last month then she normally does when she's ill,
his female co hosts keep changing on a daily basis. But what am
I wasting valuble space with these words for? If you want to
see something that'll get your tackle up, go to our page 3!"

Yes, Vaiagre, indubitable the latest and greatest idea on how
to con men out of their money.

(End Commercial break)

(Meanwhile on the White Star, Lenier walks into a room to find
Wade there.)

Lenier: Woah! (eyes pop out of head) Schwing!
Wade: (hiding behind a few containers) Er, Are there any
	clothes here?
Lenier: Er, clothes? Yes, yes in Delean's quarters. (puts a
	cloak around Wade) There this way.

(As Wade leaves, Lenier looks at the camera with a wolfish grin
on his face, wiggles his eyebrows up and down, then leaves.)

Servo: Can he get away with that?

(Meanwhile in Op's Sheridan has just been beamed in. With him
is Baldrick.)

Sheridan: We need to get things cleared up a bit for season
	four. Here this . . . person was left behind in the last
	parody involving you Trek and Dwarf people.
Baldrick: (smiles a toothy grin.)
Sisko:  Yuck!
Kryten: I can't wait to start cleaning all the mess that he's
	going to leave.
Baldrick: I am toilet trained.
Sheridan: Just.
Sisko: Wait. What are you doing back here, before your fourth
	season? You were MIA.
Sheridan: Men In Amber?
Sisko: No! Missing In Action.
Sheridan: Ohhhh. Writers fouled up.
Sisko: Right we need something to make up time, er, entertain,
	our readers while we try to figure things out.
Dax: I've an idea.

Servo: Doesn't she always?

Dax: Who said that?
Sisko: I don't know but it's getting annoying. Anyway your
	idea?
Dax: Oh, yeah. (hits a few buttons.) There we are, that ought
	to buy us five minutes or so.

(Play the video for "Save Tonight" by Eagle-Eye Cherry. This
time with Trek and Dwarf characters. Bashir walks down the
prominade singing.)

Bashir: Go on and close, the shutters. All we need is low
	lighting. You and me, and a bottle of synth ale, going to
	hold you this shift. 

(Bashir has now moved into Quarks Bar. He picks up a bottle of
synth ale, takes a look at Quark and leaves. Camera pans over
to where Quark should be, but;) 

Bashir: (behind bar dressed like Quark. Rom is rubbing his eyes
	in surprise.) We know, I'm not really me. How I wish. . .
	wish that I wasn't going to blow up this system. (Robber
	holds them up and takes all the latnum) Take this synth
	ale, and drink with me. Lets delay our impending death.
	Save tonight, and fight the next duty shift. Come
	tomorrow, tomorrow we'll be dead.

(Bashir winces when we hear a phaser shot hit the fleeing
robber. We follow Bashir out of the bar. Pan across to the
robber only to see Bashir lying on the floor.)

Bashir: (dressed like robber) There's a hologram, of a fire,
	and it burns like Dax for Worf. Tomorrow comes, with
	desire, to blow us all up. . . . It's true.

(As the robber is practically beaten and dragged away, the
camera pans up again to the security guard holding a smoking
phaser. It's Bashir.)

Bashir: (dressed like security guard.) It ain't easy, to say
	goodbye, darling please, don't start to cry. Cause girl
	you know I've got to go. Lord I wish it wasn't so. Save
	tonight, and fight the next duty shift. Come tomorrow,
	tomorrow we'll be dead.

(The camera moves over to see Lister surrounded by DS9
characters, as he hammers out a tune on his guitar. The DS9
crew flee in terror. The camera pans across to Bashir dressed
like Morn and lying on the ground.)

Bashir: (dressed like Morn and lying on the ground.) Tomorrow
	comes, to blow us all up. I wish that I, that I could
	live. Girl you know I've got to go. Lord I wish it wasn't
	so. 

(once more, the camera pans across to Bashir as he walks past
the tramp)

Bashir: (as he was originally) Save tonight, and fight the next
	duty shift. Come tomorrow, tomorrow we'll all be dead.

Servo: And the point of that was?
Mike: Space filler?
Crow: Well, at least Shatner isn't in this one.

Sisko: Dear god. Who is saying that?
Dax: I'm not sure. Hey why is it we've got all these little
	seats at the bottom of the screen?
Sisko: Like in a theatre?
Rimmer: Or a cinema?
Sisko: What's a cinema?
Rimmer: A place you go to see movies.
Sisko: That’s a theatre.
Rimmer: No, a theatre is a place you go to see plays, and
	pantos.
Sisko: That’s a play house, Panto?
Dax: Ancient Britain used to have a play on in their theatre,
	in the form of comedy, for children of all ages, around
	Christmas. In the late twentieth century they tended to
	use Australian soap stars in them. As well as comedians
	dressed up like fat women. Dames I think they were called.
O'Brian: (Whispering to Rimmer) I wouldn't bother trying to
	correct them, Americans are too stuck up to admit their
	mutilating the English language.
Sisko: We aren't mutilating it. We just assimlating words from
	other languages to use.
Rimmer: Worse then the Borg.
Sisko: Oh GOD! Here they come again!!
Sheridan: What the?
Dax: He's having a Wolf 359 flashback!
Worf + O'Brian: Oh shit. (both duck under work stations.)
Sheridan: Wolf 359?
Dax: Site of a very bad battle.
Sheridan: Like the battle of the line?
Dax: (grabs sheridan) DUCK! !
Sheridan: Wha? (a phaser blast screams by where he was just
	standing)
Dax: He never quite recovered from the experience.
O'Brian: How bad is it?
Dax: According to Cassidy, he sometimes wakes up at two in the
	morning in a cold sweat.
Worf: (to O'Brian) This is my fault. If I had not let Captain
Picard be abducted by the Borg, this would never have happened.
O'Brian: And then we wouldn't have pulse phasers on the
	Defiant, Quantum Torpedos, or Tri-Cobalt. Yeah, your
	right, this IS your fault.
Rimmer: What we could really do with is another plot twist to
	calm him down.
Forge: No we don't.
Dax: Wait a minute, Rimmer might get his wish. There's a
	temporal anomaly forming off to port.
Forge: We don't- (slaps forehead with bionic hand.) Ow! We
	don't want one. We don't want a temporal anomaly.
Kira: We're being hailed.
Sisko: Put it on.

(I think you can guess who's going to appear here.)

Kirk: This is Captain. . . James . . . T . . . Kirk, of the. .
	. Starship. . . . Enterprise. . .  We come in . . . peace.
	Surrender or we'll . . . . blow you out the sky with. . .
	. photon torpedos! 

Mike + Servo + Crow: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
	ANYTHING BUT SHATNER! ! ! ! !

Spock: There are not in the sky, captain. And who was that who
	said "No!" so loudly?
Sisko: We don't know.
Dax: There's another anomaly forming off to starboard.
Sisko: Terrific
Kira: We're being hailed again.
Sisko: Put it on screen.

(Kirk disapears and is replaced with Optimus Prime.)

Servo: Waitaminute. Isn't he dead?
Mike: He got better.

Prime: This is Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots. Who am I
	speaking to?
Sisko: Captain Benjamin Sisko, DS9.
Prime: Are you a human?
Sisko: Yes.
Prime: Oh well. I thought the station wasn't big enough for
	most of us.
Sisko: Excuse me?
Prime: Transformers are far bigger then humans. Well, except
	for the Micro Masters and the Minibots, but I think the
	writters forgot about them.
Goldbug: Yeah, no one cares when your small.
Dax: Ahem (sniggers to herself.)
Sisko: Uh huh. And how did you get to be here?
Prime: We were hunting down the remains of the Decepticon army,
	our evil enemy's, who in the twentith century of Earth's
	past, were trying to plunder it's natural resources.
Sisko: (to Forge) is this true?
Forge: Well, it's my time peroid, but, I don't rember anything
	like that.
Prime: We weren't part of the official Marvel comics universe.
	Well, not for long.
Forge: That might explain it then.
Dax: Ben, the Oberth class ship has docked, but the Defiant is
	on its way here.
Sisko: Good. Waitaminute. Who's piloting it?
Dax: I don't know. They won't answer my hails.
Sisko: Damn.
Dax: Ben, their powering weapons.
Sisko: What?
Forge: Don't worry, your shields are at maximum.
Prime: Maximals?
Forge: No, maximum. Their sheilds are at maximum.
Prime: Oh.
Dax: Erm, Prime. What kind of armaments do you have?
Prime: The latest in Cybertronian weaponry.
Dax: Are they lasers?
Prime: Yes.
Dax: Ben, the Defiant is heading for them.
Sisko: What type of sheilds do you have?
Prime: We don't have shields. Otherwise we would have used them
	in "Arrival from Cybertron", instead of having Ironhide
	man the laser gun to blow away the asteroid fragments.
Kira: Theres another anomaly forming. Another ship the size of
	the Autobots is arriving.
Hot Rod: Er, Prime. Some guy claming to be a Predicon is
	wanting to have a word with you?
Prime: So?
Hot Rod: Well, this guy seems to be partly organic. Not
	metallic like us.
Prime: Damn. Now we're involved with Star Trek, the mainstream
	Marvel universe, and our own spin off.
Har Head: What about that ship that's heading towards us?
Dax: It's just cloaked. Must be going to be used as plot point
	later on in the parody.
Rimmer: Or this series.
Dax: Huh?
Rimmer: Well, this is the THIRD part of a series of crossovers.
	How many more plot points weren't resolved in the last
	parody? What was Cancer man up to? How did that World War
	one General get to Babylon 5? Why did Blackadder have no
	memory of how he survived the big push? What caused Red
	Dwarf and Voyager to go through an exit jumpgate in 1918
	all the way to 2250 something or other? When will this all
	end?
Sisko: When will you shut up?
Hot Rod: Should I ready the Dinobots?
Prime: No, we will try diplomacy.
Kup: Ah, we always try that first. We are supposed to be
	hunting the Decepticreeps down ya know.
Blurr:Weallgoingtodiediedie.Wegotasuperwarshipcomingatusfromone
	sideandourenemysformtheother.We'realldoomeddoomeddoomed.
Prime: + Kup +Hot Rod: SHUT UP BLURR!
Hard Head: Or I'll make you the first Target and HEAD master.
Sisko: Well, have fun. Sisko out.
Kup: I won't forget this.
Hot Rod: You never do. 
Rimmer: What the smeg is a Head master?
Dax: What's a Target Master?
O'Brian: Who cares? It proberly means more technobabble.
Forge: Shouldn't we help them?
Sisko: Why?
Forge: Well, for one thing. They might have something that
	could reverse our situation and get us all back to our own
	homes.
Sisko: I thought you were dealing with that?
Forge: Yeah, well. Might be more interesting to do it with
	them.
Kira: Why did you drop that timer by the way?
Forge: Oh that was because I heard about the M'Kran crystal
	(slaps forehead with bionic hand) D'oh, (rubs sore head)
	that hurt. When will I learn?
O'Brian: (darkly) Well, you could build your self a
	cloneamatic. Clone your self a new hand.
Forge: (Thinks about it, then dismiss it.) The M'Kran crystal.
	That must be behind this all. Where is it?
Sisko: Woah, hold on there. What is this crystal to you?
Forge: It is a MAJOR plot device in my universe. It controls
	the destiny of ALL of the universes.
Sisko: Oh, OK, then. Off you go. Docking port two.

Servo: Yeah, like that'll work.
Mike: Shhh! Some people are trying to watch the picture.
Servo: Like who?
Mike: Erm,
Crow: This is a parody. You read it.
Mike: Ahh, shudap.

Sisko: And somebody, try to find out who's saying that.

Mike + Servo + Crow: Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Dax: Ben, there's a Predator ship aproching the Autobot vessel.
Sisko: Oh boy. Waitaminute. Where'd that come from?

(On board said Predator ship.)

Predator Captain: Perfect, I can become the first Predator to
	have a Transformer head in my collection.
Predator #1: (looks nervous) Erm, yes. Yes, you can, sir.

(Meanwhile on the Autobot vessel.)

Grimlock: Me Grimlock want to smash Decepticons.
Kup: Sheesh, Grimlock. How many times do I have to tell you?
	These are the Predacons.
Sludge: (trying to sound intelligent.) They form Predaking.
Kup: NO! That's the original Predicons from our timeline. These
	are the future Decepticons.

 (The Dinobots look at each other in confusion.)

Servo: Something they do a lot of.

Sludge: Uh oh. Me no like. Er, do they form Predaking?
Kup: (slaps face with disbelief)
Slag: Me not care what they called. Me just melt them down.
(Transforms into Triceratops and accidently incinerates Wheelie
when he breaths fire.)
Wheelie: (totally surprised.) Shriek!
All Autobots: YES! ! ABOUT TIME! !
Grimlock: Why we not try that before?
Sludge: Er, him fried? Friend, me mean, friend.
Kup: Censors wouldn't let us.
Swoop: Can we do that to Daniel?
Kup: Not unless you want to have Spike use Fortress Maximus to
	squash you underfoot. Oh and have Hot Rod and Springer out
	for revenge for Arcee.
Jazz: I still can't believe the writters thought up of that
	one. Bonding Arcee and Daniel as headmasters, I mean Ewww.
	I'm surprised she hasn't gone mad.
Kup: You obviously never heard of what happens when a Female
	Transformer has PMS.
Jazz: Erm, I don't think I'd want to.
Perceptor: As well as the fact that she has been carying Daniel
	around inside her head since our series ended, which was
	1987, for the past eleven years, she has been going
	insane.
Jazz: Why's that?
Perceptor: Wouldn't you go mad if you had to have Daniel in
	YOUR head?
Jazz: (thinks about it) Ugg.
Perceptor: And of course, this is during Daniels Teenage years,
	and you know what that means, Palyboy magazine, strange
	posters of semi-naked women, all decourating the inside of
	Arcee's skull…… (Perceptor continues to ramble on, while
	Jazz, almost dies of boredom.)
Grimlock: Er, what about Blurr?
Kup: What about him?
Sludge: Can we roast him?
Kup: Well, I think I still owe him one, for something. Can't
	rember what. Had something to do with a big, spider?
Swoop: That first.
Kup: Yeah, I won't forget that in a hurry. What were we talking
	about?
Swoop: (Covers his face with his wing in disbelief)
Grimlock: (Making circling motions with his hand near his head)
	Me Grimlock positive Kup losing it.
Kup: Why you young whiper snapper. I'll have you know that I've
	been fighting Decepticons since, since. Damn. When did I
	start fighting them? Losing what?
Snarl: How come me not in movie?
Sludge: You ask for too much money.
Swoop: That why Wheeljack and Windcharger killed off.
All Dinobots: Huh, huh, huh!
Jazz: (Angry) Hey! Those were friends of mine.

Servo: Now shut up before I use my Kung Fu on you.
Mike + Crow: Huh, huh, huh!

Jazz: Who said that?
Kup: Say where am I? I don't recognise this place.
Prime: Kup, dispatch the Dinobots. The Predator ship is heading
	our way.
Kup: The who? The what?
Prime: Dear god. He's finaly cracked under the presure.
Kup: Who am I?
Prime: Shut down, Kup. Dinobots, intercept the Predator ship.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock, love challenge. (Dinobots jump out of a
	nearby airlock into space.)
Kup: Who won the world cup in 1998?
Picard: Tch tch tch.

(meanwhile, on board the Predator vessel.)

Predator #1: Captain,
Predator Captain: What is it?
Predator #1: It's your job.
Predator Captain: Very funny. That joke's been done to death. 
Predator #1: Not in this parody it ain't.
Predator Captain: Shut up! (kills Predator #1 with his bare
	hands.) Now, what was it?
Predator #2: He can't tell you now.
Predator Captain: Why not?
Predator #2: He's dead.
Predator Captain: Oh, yeah. Well what was he going to report?

(Shot of the Dinobots, now in Dino modes in space. Grimlock in
T-rex mode is busy tearing at the hull of the Predator ship.
Sludge Tranforms in to Brontosaurus and lands on the hull doing
massive damage on impact. Slag transforms into Triceratops mode
and breaths flames on the engines. Meanwhile Swoop and Snarl
just tear the hull apart with their bare hands. Oh  and Snarl
uses his sword.)

Predator #2: Five robots have Transformed into dinosaurs and
	our tearing our hull apart.
Predator Captain: Dinosaurs? Boy, that’s original. Can they do
	any damage?
Predator #2: They already have.

(Predator ship implodes and the Dinobots are sent spiralling
into space. A life pod jetisons from the Predator ship and hits
the Oberth class ship.)

Crow: Can anyone actually survive something like that?
Mike: The Dinobots can.

Grimlock: (Flying off into space) Me need new strategy.
Slag: Me Slag, say you full of sesilum saloni.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock say you full of shit.

Mike: Gee, do they always argue like this?
Servo: Like I care?

Grimlock: (re, Servo) Who say that?
Slag: ME! (breaths fire on Grimlock.)
Grimlock: Too can play stupid game! (breaths fire on Slag)

(Meanwhile at docking port two.)

Forge: Yes, this is the M'Kran crystal. Now with this, I ought
	to be able to get things sorted out.
Predator Captain: (exits an escape pod that crashed into the
	Oberth class ship and holding onto various dead security
	guards that are slung over his shoulders.) I'm so glad to
	hear that.
Forge: Who are you?
Predator Captain: Think of me, as someone who thinks, if you
	can use that to sort out this weird mess, I can use it to
	take over the Universe. Bwa ha ha! Ha! Ha! !AHA! Ha HA!

(Judge Dredd walks around the corner and sees the Predator
Captain.)

Dredd: Holy! Not another one. (makes a grab for his lawgiver.)
	Wha, where's my gun? Oh well, guess I'm gonna have to take
	this thing on with my boot knife. (pulls out knife and
	makes his way over to Predator Captain. Wolverine rounds
	the same corner and sees Dredd.)
Wolverine: Holy, he's after Forge now. (pops claws) Lookout
Forge, there's a fascist cop after you.
Forge: Bishop? Where?
Wolverine: Not that one. Judge Dredd.
Forge: (puzzled) The really crap Stallone film?
Dredd: I have nothing to do with that film. 
Wolverine: Touche.
Dredd: (turns to face Wolverine.) Lets have it out right here
	mutie.
Forge: Hey. What you got against us mutants?
Dredd: Aw, not another one. Shudup! (kicks Forge in the head.)
Predator captain: gee thanks. Makes abducting him that much
	easier.
Wolverine: Grrrrawrr (and other unidentifiable inhuman growling
	noises.)
Dredd: Touche.
Wolverine: (Two words. No, three. Berserker killer rage.)
Dredd: Drokit.

Crow: You call that swearing?

Oh boy. Could things ever get any worse? Will Dredd kill
Wolvie, or will Wolvie kill Dredd? What will happen when Kirk
comes on board? Why are the Autobots facing the enemies of
their own descendents? What did happen to Dredds gun? Will we
ever here from that Judge Judy bitch again?

Judy: You will if you keep that tone up.

Opps, sorry.

Judy: Shadup.

Part 4: The one with egos everywhere, and her without a hand.

Guest stars:
One guy who still thinks it's the 1970's.
Some guy you never heard of, and his girl friend.
And some guy I found drunk in the street as I made my way home
from the pub last night.

Just to recap. The Transformer's, the original Enterprise, a
White Star and some Predators all arrived. Dredd and Wolverine
got into a really violent fight. The Predator Captain
meanwhile, after losing his ship to the Dinobots, kills the
crew of the Oberth class ship carrying the M'Kran crystal,
kidnaps Forge and take off with the M'Kran crystal. Dredd and
Wolverine are having a right good go at each other, and hey,
I'm the narrator, not the stage director. What am I doing
giving stage directions?

(I was at the toilet. Worf's finally got out of there.)

ME! ME! The coast is clear and I'm going.

Dredd: DIE MUTANT FREAK!
Wolverine: DIE YOU FASCIST SCUM SUCKER! Oh yeah, and I'M A 
	MAN! ! LOGAN! ! YOU HEAR ME! ! !

Crow: Sheeesh. This guy sure like to make a point.
Mike: The same point.
Servo: And I was thinking he was a werewolf.

(Meanwhile, in the bar.)

Maggie: Look at the cool gun I found.
Quin: Erm, how'd you'd get that?
Maggie: That nice Judge Dredd person dropped it when he picked
	a fight with Logan.
Quin: St. Claire? Where? (looks around worried)
Maggie: Wolverine I mean. His real name is Logan.
Quin: Oh.
Ferangi #1: Who is this St. Claire person?
Quin: The female version of myself.
Ferangi #1: Did you two?
Quin: The EVIL female version of myself.
Ferang1 #1: Oh. So you did?
Quin: No, we didn't.
Ferangi #3: Maybe we can have a few ideas brought up about this
	in the board meeting later?
Rembrant: Uh Maggie. Maybe you'd better give it back.
Maggie: Give what back?
Rembrant: The gun.
Maggie: (childish) No, it's mine. I found it.
Colin: May I have a word?
Quin: Who the hell are you, and what are you doing here?
Ferangi #4: Your new, long lost, never imagined of before,
	younger, slightly less intelligent, brother.
Rembrant: Say, they DO look alike.
Maggie: You obviously haven't read the new credits sequence.
	They ARE brothers in real life. (Snuggles up to Quin.)
Rembrant: Hah! (To Maggie) Next you'll be trying to hit on all
	three of us.
Ferrangi #2: That’s not a bad idea.
Rembrant: Oh boy. Me and my big mouth.
Quin: (faraway look in his eyes) Huh? Wha?

(suddenly there's a loud explosion.)

Maggie: Ow.
Quin: My God! She's missing her right hand.
Colin: And most of her arm.

(Quin and Rembrant look at each other. Disbelief in their
eyes.)

Servo: So that’s what this guy is going to be, the annoying
	one. 
Mike: Like you.
Servo: Why thank yo- HEY!

Ferangi #2: (Looking around bemused for the voices of MST3K)
	Don't worry, we have one of the best Federation Doctor's
	in the sector right here.
Rom: He's the only Doctor in the sector.
All Ferangi: Shut up.
Computer: Warning. Anyone who, while on the station, repeats
	the group "shut up" routine gag, shall be vapourised
	without a trial. Thank you. Have a nice day now.
Quin: We'd better get you to the Doctors. Sheesh, what a time
	for a gun to misfire.
Colin: (obviously in awe of the place) Yeah.
Quin + Rembrant: Shu- (catch themselves just in time.)
Lister: (enters the toilet, then comes running out.) Hey, the
	stage directors dead!
Bishop: Nah, it's just the smell from Worf's last number two.
Enough to knock anyone out.
Lister: Shit.
Bishop: Exactly. Potent stuff when it's from a Klingon's butt.

(Meanwhile Prime is talking to Megatron.)

Prime: I see that you have traded in the cannon you had on your
	arm and the bucket you used to wear on your head.
Megatron: You what? You fool. I only happen to be the namesake
	of the Decepticon founder that you fought. But my goals
	are the same. To wipe out the goody goody two shoes like
	you, and conquer the, OI! Wake up.
Prime: Uh? What? Sorry, seemed to have shut down, for some
	reason.
Megatron: Ghah, this always happens when I go into my long
	speachs. No one seems to want to listen to me.
Hot Rod: Jezze, this guy just seems to want to talk, talk,
	talk.
Jazz: Yeah, I wanna see some action.
Blaster: Yeah, enough talking, lets blow em outta the sky.
Prime: No, we only fight when we have to.
Jazz: Say, HotRod, why don't you relieve old Prime of command.
	Say that the Quintesion brainwashing was having some
	lingering effects again.
Hot Rod: Mutiny?
Jazz: Yeah, well, something like that.
Blaster: (to Jazz) You feeling all right dude?
Cliffjumper: Everyones just a little edgy, we need a bit of
	action to sort things out.
Goldbug: I know what you mean. Now, here's a Scooby snack to
	keep you quiet.
Cliffjumper: (sit's on hind legs like a dog) Oh boy, oh boy.
	Scobby snack. (Goldbug lets him have, Cliffjumper eats it,
	then licks his lips.)

Servo: Oh come on. They never had tongues. Did they?
Mike: I don't get the scobby snacks refrence.
Crow: Same voices actors for Scobby Doo and Shaggy for Ratchet
	and Cliffjumper.

Cliffjumper: Yeah, it's a pity old doc Ratchet ain't around no
	more. He loved these even more then I did. Still, all the
	more for me.
Goldbug: Yeah, well getting shot full of holes does tend to
	have an effect on you.
Brawn: (Smug) It does?
Goldbug: Well, it should. How did you survive that attack? You
	had possible the biggest hole shot into you.
Brawn: I bribed the writters to kill Huffer instead.
Jazz: Well, will you take over, Hot Rod?
Hot Rod: I can't assume command. We never got the Matrix out of
	Vector Sigma. It's lost, and I'd have to get my hands on
	it to become Rodimus Prime again.
Jazz: Drat. So much for that idea.

(meanwhile, Kirk has beamed over to DS9. None of the women are
there.)

Kirk: Where, are. . . . you're. . . . women?
Sisko: They all went into hiding at the local monestery on
	Bajor.

(Worf screams in pain.)

Worf: Jadzia, please. I'm not in the mood. I have a headache,
	please stop hitting me. Jadzia, please, that is enough
	foreplay.
Sisko: (whistles inocently to himself.)
Spock: (raises an eyebrow) Curious.
McCoy: What do you mean this time?
Spock: I would rather gather more data before proceding to
	produce a conclusion.
Kirk: Well, resistence. . . . is futile, asthesaying. . . .
	goes.
Sisko: (holding his head.) Oh GOD! Not again. Their making
	another pass!
Kirk: . . . . The. . . . hell?
Kryten: Wolf 359 flashback.
Kirk: Oh, man. Not. . . . you again.
Rimmer: The feeling is mutural, I assure you.
Cat: Whoah. Time for a snappy one liner. Better check my
	script. (consults script.) What no line?
Sulu: I know the feeling.
Checkov: Me too.
Cat: whoah. What are you doing back? I thought you and your
	double had been mixed up?
Uhura: We sorted that out when that nice Captain Sheridan
	visited us.
Spock: Now there is a man who is logical.
Bones: Reliable.
Scotty: Dosnah t'lk com'uters to death.
Sulu: Can act.
Checkov: And doesn't carry excess baggage.
Cat: What? Kirk digs that movie?
Scotty: Well, he and ah feel for the wee lassie.

(Everyone looks at Scotty.)

Scotty: Feels sorry, I mean. Feel sorry for the lass.
Cat: Whoah. (produces mirror.) How'm I looking? Nicer then
	Madonnas's butt.

(Everyone inches away from Cat. Meanwhile Sisko is smashing a
nameless ensign's head off a console.)

Rimmer: Are you sure that you are the real Checkov?
Checkov: Of course.
Rimmer: It's just, that you've started to pronounce words
	correctly.
Scooty: Ah fixed the lad Universal Translator for 'im.
Rimmer: Ah, and when are you getting round to fixing yours?
Scotty: (moves to punch Rimmer out.) I'm agana knook seven
	bell's a shite ooota ye, laddie.

(Insert extremly violent, fight scene, whereby Scotty pounds
Rimmer against several surface's of the Opp's room. Before he
rembers that Rimmer in his hard light mode is more or less
invunerable.)

Rimmer: (lying on the floor in a fetal postion) Ooooooowww.
Spock: Fascinating. Nearly indstructable, but not pain
	resitant.

(Sheridan comes over to the TOS cast.)

Sheridan: Well, it's nice to know you all think so highly of
	me. By the way. Who are you?
Spock: (Raises an eyebrow) You are Captain John Sheridan?
Sheridan: Yes.
Spock: Then who is the tall human, thin, blonde hair, wearing a
	grey uniform?
Sheridan: Zak? He's my new chief of security.
Spock: (to rest of TOS crew) I believe, we have been lied to
	about identities.

(Everyone is silent for a while. Kira comes on, and while Kirk
stares at her and relises that he can't risk making a move on
her, since she's pregnant, there is yet more silence. Kira
decides to use her one line of dialouge to break the silence.)

Kira: Your proberly wondering why I called you all here.

(Everyone nods, but Kira can't say anything, she's used up her
line quotient.)

Sisko: Constable. (looks around for Odo) Where is the
	constable?
O'Brian: He went down to the Infirmery, to ask Julian for more
	advice on what to do next after you've seen some semi-
	naked ladies.
Sisko: How'd you know that?
O'Brian: Well, Julian told me about what happened earlier, Odo
	came into the Infirmery, and said he was worried about his
	shapeshifting powers coming back.
Sisko: And?
O'Brian: Well, it turned out that his penis had, well gotten
	bigger. . . .
Sisko: Right stop right there. Doesn't that break patient
	confidentiality?
O'Brian: So? It's never stopped him before. In fact it's never
	stopped any Trek docter before reveiling any embarising
	ailment to all and sunder.
Sisko: (Thinking) Yes, that little genetic fluke has never
	respected patient confidentiality. Must rember to have a
	word with him. Oh well, O'Brian, take the womb for hire
	around the station. It's time for her walk.

(As O'Brian takes the flabergasted Kira away, who is opening
and closing her mouth in silent protest, Jake comes on.)

Jake: Hi guys.
Kirk: Get that kid off the bridge.
Sisko: That's my son your talking about. And he's a man. He's
	also part of the main cast, so he has a right to be here.
Spock: But he is hardly ever in any episodes.
Sisko: That doesn't matter. What does matter is that he is part
	of the main cast. (to Jake) By the way, what is your name?
Jake: Why? Have you forgotten my name? How could you?
Sisko: Well, you are never in any of the episodes. Their right.
	Rom has had more airtime then you. Leeta, has had more air
	time then you.
Bashir: (Pops his head in through the Turbo lift doors) Her
	cleavage has had more airtime then him as well.
Jake: Damn it. I should have joined Starfleet. At least then I
	could have stood a chance of being used. For god's sake,
	Harry Kim has had more character development than I have.
	And he's got Internet sites AGAINST him. Life just ain't
	fair. I'm going to go to the bar, er hang around the
	Promanade and get Odo to tell me to go away.

(Meanwhile O'Brian and Kira have reached Quarks Bar. A fight is
in progress and Lister is busy taking on most of the people
involved.)

O'Brian: Typical happy hour at Quark's.
Kira: (Smiles, but she can't laugh out loud.)

(They move on to the quiet of the replimat and then Garrack's
boarded up tailors shop. Eventully they get to the Infirmery.
Bashir is busy going to and fro, from Quark with the dart in
his eye, to Maggie and her missing arm. Odo is hovering in the
background.)

Bashir: Good grief, Odo, I'm busy trying to perform surgery on
	two different people who won't lie down in their beds, and
	won't accept any sedatives.
Quark: I don't want any more needles going anywhere near me.
Maggie: No more bang bang, no more bang bang.
Odo: But docter, what should I do?
O'Brian: Go to your quarters, get a load of toilet paper, and a
	copy of Playboy. Then just follow what your right hand
	wants you to make it do.
Odo: Ahh, right. Gottchya. Thanks chief. (Odo goes skipping
	off.)
Quark: And keep the noise down.
Bashir: Thank's, anymore bright ideas on how to deal with this
	lot?
O'Brian: A phaser set to wide beam stun ought to do the trick.
Bashir: Wow! Thanks! (Bashir does just that.)
Quark: OW! Rom! I'm gonna-!
Maggie: No, more, bang, ban-!
Colin: Groovy ray gun-!
Quin + Rembrant: (duck in time) 
Quin: Sheesh.
Rembrant: That was a close one, Q-ball.
Bashir: Whicked. Thanks chief. (to Kira) Thanks honey.
Kira: (blows a kiss, but she can't reply due to her contract
	obligations.)

( Meanwhile, back at the Bat cave, erm. The engernering section
of the Oberth class ship, that is. The evil Predator captain
is-)

Predator Captain: I'm not evil. I just want the largest
	collection of heads in the galaxy. And I believe I have
	the means to do it right here. (Opens a door to a store
	room.)

(That’s just a collection of skulls.)

Predator Captain: It is? Damn. Wrong room. (Opens the correct
	door,) Kiss your continuity, goodbye. (Forge is busy
	working on a way of using the M'Kran crystal to bring
	people from other dimensons to the Predator Captain so he
	can slaughter them mercilously.) I do believe, that I am
	now required by law to laugh like a maniac. SO I will. Bwa
	ha, ha ha. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! Bwa, ha, ha. HA! HA!
	HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! *COUGH* *SPLUTTER* *HACK* *WHEEZE*
	Damn, my translator's just *COUGH* filled up with spit.
	*HACK* (As he takes his mask off Forge looks round,
	catches a look of the Predators face, and faints.) Oh,
	brother. Everytime I take it off, that happens.

(Elsewhere, err, docking port two to be precise. Wolverine and
Dredd have managed to cut each other's clothes, drawn a little
blood, torn off a few panels, compared each other to villian's
they've fought and beaten, and left a couple of passing aliens
fataly wounded.)

Wolverine: (Jumps into the air and pops his claws.) Give it up.
	You can't beat someone who heals as quick as me.
Dredd: (high kicks Wolverines stomach.) Yes I can. I just have
	to beat the living stomm out of you.
Wolverine: (Gets up.) The living what?
Dredd: (Gets into another combat ready stance, holds his knife
	in front of him.) My writers wanted to give me futuristic
	swearing so that my comic's wouldn't have the kids mothers
	burning them.
Wolverine: (Starts circling Dredd.) Oh, well, couldn't they
	phase in the swearing, like they did with my comic?
Dredd: (Stunned look on his, er, lips.) Your comic has actual
	swearing in?
Wolverine: Yeah.
Dredd: (Jumps on top of Wolverine, starts trying to stab
	Wolverine.) Do you relise that constitutes a crime in my
	city? That means I'm going to have to arrest you.
Wolverine: (Grab's hold of the knife arm.) But we aren't in
	your city. This isn't even your Universe.
Dredd: That doesn't mean I can't uphold the laws that I swore
	to uphold.
Wolverine: But, in doing that, your breaking the laws of the
	people of this Universe.
Dredd: (Thinks) Drokk it. Your right.
Wolverine: How come your helmet doesn't come off? It came off
	in the movie.
Dredd: Well, the movie had no continuity with the comics, all
	the fans ignore it.
Wolverine: Shouldn't everyone?
Dredd: Why you little-

(The two of them go at it again.) 

(Insert Commercial break)

New to the Discovery channel, our brand new DIGITAL network,
Sci Trek proudly brings to you, "This old Starship: With Steve
and Norm."

(Cut to the rec room of the Enterprise, no bloody A, B, C, D or
E.)

Steve: Hi, Norm.
Norm: (looks up from doing absolutly nothing.) Oh, hi, Steve.
Steve:  Wel, here's the ship (looks for suitable word) owners?
(to Kirk and Scotty who've just wandered in) Hi guys. How's it
going?
Kirk: I think we need more photon launchers. I've a feeling we
	might need them.
Scotty: Why on Earth would that be?
Kikr: I insulted the Klingon Taxi service. I think we might get
	to have an encounter with them, and I want to be prepared.
Scotty: But, sair, that'l mean having ta physicaly change the
	front of ta ship.
Kirk: You've got five minutes.
Scotty + Norm: Aye sair. (Scotty looks at Norm sheepishly)
Steve: Well, guys, Norm here has had a great idea.
Norm: Well, you put your crew recreation room in the hanger
	bay, and that way, all the red shirts are more likely to
	die, by accidently opening the hanger doors. Or catch a
	disease from a passing diplomat, etc.
Kirk: I love it.
Scotty: Dear god. Saints preserve us.

And next week on "This old Starship."

(C&C;, Babylon 4. Sinclair (in mid transformation), Steve, Norm
and various Mimbari are looking over the newly aquired space
station.)

(End Commercial break)

(Meanwhile out in space. Kirk and his crew are back on the
Enterprise and are doing battle with the Predacons ship.)

Kirk: This is too easy. What. . . . type of. . . . weapons are
	they. . . . using?
Spock: Some kind of laser based disrupter.
Kirk: And no shield's?
Spock: None are apparent.
Sulu: They are breaking off.
Uhura: Captain, I'm-
Kirk: Scarred?
Uhura: No, receiving a hail from the Decepticons.
Spock: These are Predacons, not Decepticons..

Mike: Yeah, well, the way this storys going god knows who might
	show up next.
Servo: Was it me, or was this set in the Star Trek universe?
	Are we going to see them do anything, or are they just
	going to leave it to the guest stars?
Mike: Kirk's part of the Trek universe, and he just started to
	blast them away, what more do you want Tom?

Sulu: There's another ship approching. 

Crow: But I can afford my bills, I am a famous actor after all.
Kike: Huh?
Servo: What has that got to do with any thing?
Crow: It was a line he had in an episode of Third rock from the
	sun.
Mike: Your gags are getting more and more obscure.

Kirk: What are. . . . They doing? What, are. . . . they. . . .
	doing?
Spock :Bickering amoungst themselves, sir.
Kirk: I meant the … Alien … ship.
Spock: I am monitoring, energy build ups from both ships.
Uhura: I'm intercepting hails from both ships. Two people
	called Megatron, are busy accusing each other of being
	imposters. One claims to be the founder of the
	Decepticons, the other claims to be the founder of the
	Predacons. No wait. A third person has claimed that he is
	the leader of the Predacons.
Kirk: He what?
Spock: Where is this third voice coming from?

Crow: Theres three of us ya bozo.
Mike: Shhh.

Uhura: What voices were you talking about?
Spock: The voices over the hails. The other voices are just a
	minor nuisence.
Uhura: The second ship, the Decepticons ship.
Sulu: The Autobots are powering weapons and approching the
Decepticon vessel.

Mike: Primes actually going on the offensive?

Kirk: Could. . . . it. . . . be, we've. . . . stumbled, upon. .
	. . a . . . . robot war?

Mike: I. . . . can act, I. . . . can . . . . act.

Spock: Possible.

Servo: Do you suppose he was talking about the war, or Kirk?
Mike: We will never know.

Scotty: Cap'nan, the Decepticons and Predacon ships are going
	off to Bajor.
Kirk: I . . . wonder . . . . why.
Uhura: The Autobots are in pursuit.

(Cut to expensive looking space scene. The Decepticon and
Predacon vessels are heading off to Bajor closely pursured by
the Autobots vessel. Onboard the Autobots ship, Prime is busy
assemblying his attack squads.)

Prime: Now I warn you, these Predacons are not the Gesalt
	Predacons we are used to, you know, the ones that
	transform in various animals and merge to form Predaking,
	yes the power Rangers ripped off the idea. Though no doubt
	Razorclaw and his team will be seriously pissed when they
	met these future Decepticons, or Predacons as they are now
	called. Fortunatly we have plenty of surprises. The Gesalt
	teams that we have, the Head masters and Target masters,
	not to mention the surviours of the original couple of
	seasons. The plannet we are going to is Bajor. It is very
	similar to Earth, except the people here have some weird
	thing on their nose.
Spike: Gezze, maybe they should try blowing them.

(The Autobots look at Spike in confusion.)

Kup: Do, what?
Prime: Are you feeling all right?
Kup: Am I what?
Hot Rod: It's his age.
Blaster: When do we get there?
Ultra Magnus: In about three minutes, we'll be in their orbit.
Springer: Unfortunatley, the Decepticons are already in orbit,
	and they now heading onto the surface of the plannet.
Prime: No doubt they will start to do what the Decepticons
	always do in this type of situation. Loot the plannet of
	it's natural resources, and store them in Energon cubes.
Hot Rod: Waitaminute. Where are the Dinobots?

(Everyone looks around for the missing Dinobots, calling out
their names, scanning for them with various devices. Meanwhile,
at the Dredd/Wolverine fight.)

O'Brian: They still at it?
Kira: (Shruggs shoulders and leaves)
Dredd: (Punches Wolverine to the floor) If only I had my gun.
	Mind you if anyone else tried to use it, it would blow off
	their arm.
O'Brian: What?
Dredd: I said it would blow off their arm.
Wolverine: Now that is sick. Why you want that to happen?
Dredd: Do you have any idea what kind of fire power a Lawgiver
	has?
Wolverine: Why can't it just jam?
Dredd: Where's the drama in that?
O'Brian: Well someone had their arm blown off.
Dredd: Tell me everything you know about it.

(O'Brian tells Dredd about Maggie missing her hand.)

Dredd: Yes, it sounds like my gun did that. Come on, let's get
	to this sickbay of yours.
O'Brian: Infirmery.
Dredd: Whatever.

(While Dredd and O'Brian go off to the infirmery, Wolverine
goes off to the bar. Meanwhile on Bajor, the Decepticons are
stealing energy from a Bajoran power plant and spreading
general chaos.)

Bajoran worker: Even the Cardasians were nicer than this.
Japanese tourist #123242:
	Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
	eeeee! Leave Tokyo they said. Safer on Bajor they said. No
	tidal waves to wipe you and city off face of Earth, they
	said. No bloody robots that can change into war palnes at
	drop of hat to harass you, they said. BLOODY WRONG ON THE
	LAST COUNT!

Beast Wars Megatron: What are you fools doing?
Original Megatron: Stealing energy and converting it to
Energon. Do you have a problem with that? Have you gone soft?
BW Megatron: Energon drains our own power sources, the only way
to survive is to transform into our animal modes. Predacons,
Transform.
Razorclaw: (to his Gesalt team) Ignore him men.

(the Beast Wars Predacons Transform into various different
animals.)

Megatron: WHAT? Your partly ORGANIC? Eeeeew! Get AWAY from me!
BW Megatron: Got a problem with animals?
Megatron: I'm going to blow you creepy, organic things away.
Soundwave, prepare to receive.

Mike: Head.
Servo + Mike: Ewww.
Mike: Disgusting.

Megatron: And if I ever find out who said that, then what
	happens to Starscream in Tranformers the Movie, will seem
	pleasant in comparison. (Megatron Transforms into riffle
	mode, Soundwave catches him and fires off a few shots
	before a full blown battle erupts.)
Starscream: The Predacons are aiming for the Energon cubes.
Razorclaw: Preadcons, UNITE!
BW Megatron: Huh?

(The original Predacons Transform into their animal modes.)

BW Megatron: HA! They have animal modes.
Razorclaw: Least we aren't organic. Divebomb, stop circling
	round and round in the sky.
Divebomb: Sorry boss.
Razorclaw: Merge.

(The Predacons merge into Predaking.)

BW Megatron: On shit.
Soundwave: Constructicons, Stunticons, Combaticons, UNITE! Kill
	the organics.

(The Constructicons transform into their construction vechiles,
then merge into Devastator.)

All Beast Wars Predacons: Oh SHIT!

(The Stunticons Transform into car modes. Wildrider and
Dragstrip speed off.)

Motormaster: Wildrider, Dragstrip, get your useless backsides
	back here.
Dead End: I'm I the only one here with a sense of grammar?
Breakdown: I'm nervous.
All Stunticons: Your always nervous.

(The Stunticons finally get their act together and form
Menasor, while the Combaticons have formed Bruticus with
Military precison.)

BW Megatron: Oh boy.

Soundwave: (press a button on his chest, and the tape deck
	section on him opens and in his cool voice.) Ravage,
	Frenzy, Rumble, Ratbat, Lazerbeak, Buzzsaw, Eject.
	Operation, anihlation.
BW Megatron: Well, he talks pretty cool (get's hit full on the
	chest courtesy of Soundwave firing Megatron) and he has a
	good aim.
Megatron: (Transforms into robot mode) Insecticons, attack.
BW Megatron: Insects? Your sending Insects to deal with me?
Kickback: (tranforms into insect mode and kicks the Beast Wars
	Megatron into the pile of Energon cubes.)
BW Megatron: (Surrounded by clones of the Inseticons, Kickback
	and Shrapnel) Pretty big bugs. Aaahg! THE ENERGON!
Starscream: Attack, from the sky.

(Starscream, Skywarp, Thundercracker, Thrust, Ramjet, Dirge,
Lazerbeck, Buzzsaw, Astrotrain, Octane and Blitzwing all
Transform in to their airplane modes, except Lazerbeck and
Buzzsaw who are already in their air modes, and Astrotrain who
transforms into his space shuttle mode, and all start strafing
the Predacons.)

Predaking: OI! WE ARE ON YOUR SIDE!
Lazerbeak: Squak!
Predaking: SAME TO YOU.
Menasor: (steps on a couple of Predacons) HE, HE, FUNNY.
Original Megatron: I wish I had a dozen more like him.
Bruticus: (tears a roof off a building and sends it flying in
	to the middle of the Predacon ranks.) YOU BANISHED ME!!
	WAITAMINUTE! THAT WAS THE OTHER MEGATRON! OH WELL HIS
	BRAINWASHING IS STILL IN EFFECT!.
Original Megatron: I wish I had a dozen more like him.

(Just as it looks like all is lost for the Predacons, the
Bajorans call in the Power Rangers, who show up in their latest
super combined robot. Devastator sees this.)

Devastator: (miffed big time) YOU STEAL IDEAS FROM ME! I'M THE
	ORIGINAL BIG ROBOTS COMBINING INTO A BIGGER ROBOT!

(Devastator goes berserk and rips the power rangers apart.)

Devastator: WE'LL SEE YOU IN COURT!
Skywarp: Never seen the big guy move so quick.
Thundercracker: Me neither. (chases after a couple of Predacons
	and gives them a loud sonic boom.) Ha ha. Dumb animals.

(Finnaly the Autobots arrive in vechile modes.)

Prime: It's worse than I thought.
Jazz: Least their not united against us.
Megatron: It's the Autobots! Decepticons, change targets, and
	destroy them.

(The Decepticons and Predacons all start firing at the
Autobots.)

Prime: You were saying? (transforms from truck mode) Autobots,
	spread out, and attack. Try to destroy the energon cubes.

(Prime goes straight for Megatron, uh, the original Megatron.
Meanwhile, since this is supposed to be a Star Trek parody, we
go back to Quark's bar.)

Jake: It's not fair. I never get to do anything.
Lister: Yeah.
Morn: (belches.)
Jake: I mean, I've never saved the station, I've never solved
	something really difficult, I'm supposed to be part of the
	main cast, and yet I'm never on much.
Lister: The Cat occasionally complains about the same thing.
	And Holly too, ever since the sex change.
Jake: Holly?
Lister: Red Dwarf's computer.
Jake: A computer, that changed it's sex?
Lister: Yeah, and god only knows what the G.E.L.F's have done
	to him now.
Jake: So, he started off as a women?
Lister: No, he started off as a man, changed to a women to
	remind himself of his lost love, then changed back again.
Jake: Weird.
Lister: You don't know the half of it.
Morn: (belches and passes out.)
Wolverine: Hey! Dave! I found a pool table.
Lister: Yeah? Where?
Wolverine: Well, I say found. Really I just made some
	adjustments to a Daboo table.

(Jake and Lister look at the remains of a Daboo table. The
wheel has been ripped off possible by hand. Pockets have been
ripped open by claw like instruments.)

Lister: No cues, no pool balls. How are we going to play?
Wolverine: I've found a few things. (Wolverine produces what
	look like very Trekish round objects, and two long pieces
	of railings that look like they belong on the stairs of
	Quarks bar.)
Lister: Well, lets play pool.

Hmmm. Can anyone say disater? What will happen now that the
Transformer's war has spread to Bajor? What happened to the
Defiant? How come the Autobots and Decepticons aren't effected
by Energon? What will happen to Maggie? Will Kochanski ever
make another appearance? What will Kirks next move be? Will
Sisko ever recover from Wolf 359?

Part 5: The one where all out war begins to take over.

In our last part, all out war started to break out on Bajor
when, dear God NO!

(Bruticus steps on narrator.)

Bruticus: OPPS! HEH, HEH!
Ultra Magnus: Oh my god, Optimus, they just killed the
	narrator.
Original Megatron: (re Bruticus) I wish I had a dozen more like
	him.
Goldbug: (To Bruticus) You bastard, er bastards, oh whatever.
	He was a fan of my work.
Hot Rod: Fan? OF YOU? (falls down laughing)
Goldbug: HEY! At least I've never been in "Suddenly Susan". And
	at least I wasn't the guy who betrayed Shaq in "Steel".
Hot rod: Oh, that would be a low blow, if MY voice was still
	being provided by Judd Nelson, shorty. (Fight breaks out
	between Goldbug and Hot Rod)
Ultra Magnus: Hey, cut that out. Pay attention to me. Stop
	ignoring me. Prime, will you tell them to stop? Prime?
Prime? PRIME?!
Prime: What?
Magnus: (Pointing at the two Autobots, Hot Rod is now jumping
	up and down on top of Goldbug) Will you look at those two?
	Stop him. Tell him to listen to me.
Prime: (Wrestling with Megatron.) I'm too busy struggling with
	bucket head here to look.

Megatron: What? How dare you call me that.
Prime: Quite easily. How's this one, bullet head? Megaclown,
	Megaclout, Megaclod.
Megatron: ENOUGH! ! ! !

(Rumble and Frenzy pull up a couple of chairs and start eating
some pop corn while watching the fight between the two
leaders.)

Rumble (:)): Better then Pro Wrestling.
Soundwave: Rumble, Frenzy. Get back in the battle.
Frenzy: (Sarcastic) Yes dad.
Soundwave: SILENCE!
Frenzy (:(): You always did like HIM better then me.
Brawn: You wanna fight?
Rumble + Frenzy: No. (Pull out weapons and blow Brawn away.)
Frenzy: Maybe THIS time he'll actually die.
Rumble: Shh, We're not supposed to know that. We're from the
	Pre-Movie time line.
Frenzy: (scratching head) How'd we manage that?
Rumble: Timewarp I think.
Soundwave: RUMBLE, FRENZY! GET HERE! NOW!
Rumble: (Muttering) Yes Mr Cylon for a voice.
Soundwave: What was that?
Rumble: "By your command."
Frenzy: (breaks down laughing at another Battlestar Galacitica
	reference)
Soundwave: If it weren't for the fact that I feel something
	paternal about  you two, I'd blow your head off.
Frenzy: Man, I'm glad he doesn't feel the way a catholic priest
	sometimes feels near choir boys.
Rumble: (Breaks down laughing, and kills a Predacon)

(Meanwhile in Quarks. Dax walks up to see what the big crowd
round a Dabbo table is, only to find Lister and Wolverine
playing pool.)

Dax: (re the balls.) Dear god, where did you get those?
Lister: Get what? The balls?
Dax: Yes!
Lister: Wolverine got them.
Dax: Where did you get them?
Wolverine: I just found them in a storage room. Why?
Dax: Those are Warheads for Photon and Quantom torpedos!

(The bar empties of people all screaming to be out. The slower
ones get trampled to death in the stampede)

Wolverine: So?
Dax: Those could blow up the entire room.
Lister: What? How?
Dax: Those things are very volitile. One hit in the wrong place
	or if they get hit to hard, they'll go boom.
Wolverine: Just as well we never found a cue ball to start
playing with.
Rembrant: You want Q-Ball?
Lister: No, not, Quin. A cue ball, for pool.
Rembrant: Pool? Boys, with a singer like me to entertain you,
	what do you need pool for?
Lister: You sing?
Rembrant: Yeah.
Lister: I play the guitar. Wanna go practice?
Rembrant: Sure.
Lister: (Waves to Wolverine) Later Logan.
Rembrant: St Claire? Where?
Wolverine: He was talking to me.
Rembrant: Oh.
Dax: (to Wolverine) You mean, you never even started to play?
Wolverine: No, care for a game, darling?
Dax: I'd love to, darling.
Jake: (Watching the other two making gooey eyes at each other.)
	Sooo. I'll just sit here then?
Wolverine: (Turns Jake around on his seat.) Yep, just like that
	kid.

(Meanwhile, on Bajor. The Decepticons have retreated, again,
and Prime has formed an uneasy alliance with the Predacons.)

Jazz: (re, retreating Decepticons, at least I think that's what
	he talking about. He's nose deep in a laptop PC) Now
	THERES a site I never get tired of.
Goldbug: (Limping) Don't you mean, "sight"?
Jazz: No, man. This one, the Scatman Crothers memorial web
	site.
Goldbug: Isn't that?
Jazz: My voice actor. Yeup.
Goldbug: Memorial website?
Jazz: Yep.
Goldbug: So, your voice actor is dead?
Jazz: Er, yeah. Uh oh. If he's dead, who's doing my voice?
BW Megatron: So, you don't want that imposter to steal the
	Energon, and we don't want our power reserves drained by
	that idiots foolhardy attempts to gain the energy, which
	is draining our systems, but not yours?.
Prime: (sounding like Jazz) Right, (relises he's using the
	wrong voice) Whoops, uh hum. (Prime voice) So we find
	them, defeat them and destroy the Energon cubes so that
	the power returns to the inhabitants of this planet.
Hot Rod: Er, Prime. Can we trust these guys?
Prime: I don't know. Maybe I can't trust YOU!
Hot Rod: What?
Prime: After all you were Autobot leader once, you might try to
	take over.
Hot Rod: Prime, we've LOST the Matrix, which is the only thing
	that could entitle me to leadership. Besides, what would I
	do as leader? Sit around moaning like I did the last time.
	Theres no way I want to become a manic depresive. Again.
Blur: It'stimeforyourmedicineHotRod.
Hot Rod: Oh, great.
Prime: That's a good point. OK, Megatron, how do we know your
	lot won't just turn on us afterwards?
BW Megatron: Well, it'll add to the drama, won't it?
Prime: I suppose.
Kup: Huh? Wha? Who said what?

Crow: Damnit. It time for me to go and have my cholostomies.

Hot Rod: Jezze. He's been acting that way every since Wheelie
	got nailed by Slag.
Prime: What?
Hot Rod: Uh, oh, er, that is. Well, the big guy, kinda got
	excited, and let off a big flame, and Wheelie, kinda got
	in the way.
Prime: Damn. That kid had so much to offer us.
Goldbug: He was annoying.
Prime: We needed another annoying character.

Servo: Noooooyoudon't.

Goldbug: Why thank yo- HEY!
Brawn: (All in white) Way I'm being treated you'd think I was
	dead. Hey, Goldbug.

Mike :Randal and Hopkirk? Damn, that was was a bad sight gag.

(Goldbug doesn't even look like he's heard him, er Brawn that
is.) Hey! Hello! I'm alive people. Hello? Can anyone hear me?

Crow: Hey, ain't he dead already?
Mike: Did you see the body?
Crow: Yeah, on the shuttle, when he was killed, in the movie.
Servo: He just keeps on going, and going.
Mike: Must be the ENERGONiser battery's he use's.

Prime: (re Crow.) Did you hear something?
Brawn: It's me, Brawn. Come on Prime. Ya gotta reconise me.
BW Megatron: There have been strange voices whispering obscene
	things for a while now.
Goldbug: Any idea who they are, Megatron?
Brawn: ? ? ? Megatron? ! ! I'm outta the war for just a little
	while courtsey of Frenzy and Rumble, and you guys go and
	team up with the guy who blew a big hole in me back in the
	movie? The guy who blew Ironhide's head, clean off his
	shoulders? The guy who nearly wrecked Optimus? Come on
	guys, help me deal with this, waitaminute. That ain't
	Megatron. Megatron's, metalic silver, not organic and
	bearing a passing resemblence to a T-rex. Whats going on?

Servo: Poor little guy, no one can hear him.
Mike: Except us.

Brawn: Who said that?

Mike: Uh, he can hear us.

Brawn: And, I can see you. Come here. (Brawn reaches in and
	makes a grab for Mike, who ducks. Crow manages to run
	away, and Servo gets caught by Brawn, who pulls him into
	the parody proper.)

Servo: HELP! Help me. Mike, Crow, someone. Anyone?
Prime: Who is this?
Goldbug: It looks like a gumball machine, with arms.
Servo: Least I don't look like a, oh, you can hear me? Can't
	you?
Prime: So it was you making all the voices?
Servo: Erm, some. Yeah.

(The various Transformers surround Servo, who relises that he
can't see the sun light anymore.)

BW Megatron: This is responsible for all the sarcastic
	comments? Then I shall tear you apart with my bare hands.
Prime: Don't.
BW Megatron: Why? Is it against some morale fibre in your
	being?
Prime: No, it just seems that the problem of having too many
	characters from different realities is causing many
	problems to this reality.
Hot Rod: What do you mean?
Prime: Look, at that. (Prime points in the sky. Eveyone looks
	up at the sky.)
Hot Rod: Uh oh.
Kup: Huh? What's that? Speak up. My hearing ain't what it used
	to be.

(Up in the sky, the wormhole itself is open, and seems to be
pulling the local Bajoran solar system into it.)20

Prime: Perceptor, do you have a theory?
Perceptor: (Transforms to telescope mode, points his lenses at
	the phenomena) Unless I miss my guess, if anyone was to
	die, that might accelerate that phenomena, and kill us
	all.

(On the station.)

O'Brian: Trouble Captain.
Sisko: What now?
O'Brian: Well, we have two problems, actually.  A power drain
	in one of the guest quarters.

(Cut to a shot of Cat, in someone quarters, busy at a
replicator. He is surrounded by empty dish's and containers.)

Cat: (To repliciator) Computer. FISH! (The replicator delivers
	a small container full of fish for the Cat. Cut to Ops.)

O'Brain: And then there's the wormhole problem.
Sisko: What problem?
O'Brian: Well, in English, the wormhole is sucking the entire
	solar system into itself.
Sisko: And in techno babble?
O'Brian: The babble would take over a week to tell you sir.
Sisko: Good, start talking.

(As O'Brian takes a deep breath, the scene shifts to sickbay.
Bashir is just finishing a conversation with Dredd about
Maggie.)

Bashir: So, after I've treated Maggie, you want to arrest her?
Dredd: Yeah.
Bashir: On what charge?
Dredd: Destruction of Justice Department property.
Bashir: Wait a minute. You people put in a self distruct
	mechanism, so no one else can use them, and you still want
	to arrest her? Why do you put them in, in the first place?
Dredd: She might have managed to overpower me and aim it at me.
	Plus, if we didn't have the device, she could have gone
	off on a crime spree with it. Got to think of the citizens
	safety. Lots of powerful ammo in that gun.
Bashir: (Sarcastic) I see. Citizens safety, eh? Well, I'll see
	what I can do.

(Dredd leaves, and Bashir goes off to a cabinet marked
"Stasis". Underneath it is written a name. "Bareil". Bashir
opens it up, and we see Bareils body, missing most of its
organs compliment of a few large holes. Bashir amputates the
right arm with a laser. He doesn't bother to clean up the mess
caused by all the blood that comes spurting out of the fresh
wound he's just caused.)

Bashir: Right, a little DNA recombination, and a little
grafting, and it'll be as good as new. No one will be able to
tell the difference. Maggie, meet your new right arm.

(A nurse walks past him in the background with a load of
medical trays in her arms. She slips on the blood and the trays
go everywhere.)

Bashir: (turns around) Just can't get the staff, can I?
Nurse: This is YOUR mess, DOCTOR!

(Meanwhile, in Ops, Sisko and Kryten are the only ones there.)

Sisko: What the hell is going on here?
Kryten: It's the end of the Universe sir.20
Sisko: What?
Kryten: Well, sir, it seems that since we have so many Sci Fi
	characters from so many different diemensions, the strain
	on this universe's boundrys is causing the wormhole to
	collapse, bringing in all of the local galaxy as well.
Sisko: (digests that lot) And your programed to do what
	exactly?
Kryten: Clean toilets sir.
Sisko: (Wanting HIS staff back here now) Uh huh. Where's Dax?
Kryten: In Quarks, playing pool with Wolverine.
Sisko: And where's Quark?
Kryten: Having a dart removed from his eye.
Sisko: Och. Nasty. O'Brian?
Kryten: Taking the womb for hire off on another of her walks.
Sisko: Why?
Kryten: She was caught practising her one line of dialogue for
this episode.
Sisko: And Bashir?
Kryten: In surgery sir, attaching an arm to an accident victim.
Sisko: What happened?
Kryten: Judge Dredds gun blew up, taking off Miss Beckets arm.
Sisko: (thinks for awhile) Eew. Wheres the rest of the crew and
	our guests?
Kryten: Mr Worf, hasn't been seen since Judge Dredd punched him
	out. Mr Bishop is taking pot shots at the Jem'Hadar heads
	you've had strung up at the promanade. Mr Forge is still
	looking at that M'Kran crystal, Mr Lister and Mr Brown are
	terrorising people in another one of the bars.
Sisko: What do you mean by that?
Kryten: Mr Brown is singing, and Mr Lister is on guitar, sir.
Sisko:  And?
Kryten: Lets just say, their off key, a bit.
Sisko: Oh, right, go on.
Kryten: Sensor indicate that Mr Odo is reading Playboy,
Sisko: That can't be right, can it?
Kryten: (shrugs shoulders) Mr Mallory and Mr Mallory are in
	negotioations with the Ferangi. Apparently master Quin
	believes he can be a producer, writer and director, as
	well as an actor.
Sisko: Gezze. Someone should have told him, you should try
	getting the first role of being an actor right before you
	move onto other rolls.
Kryten: What do you mean sir?
Sisko: Well, have you seen the O'Connale's acting talent? They
	have slightly more acting talent in their body's, then
	most people have in their little finger's.

(Sisko and Kryten start laughing out loud, big belly laughs
when the turbo lift shaft suddenly explodes with the force of a
turbo lift crashing through it. Quin, steps through the smoking
remains to confront Sisko.)

Quin: (miffed big time.) What was that Brooks?
Sisko: How'd you hear that?
Quin: (rips off shirt) Because I'm SUPER QUIN! ! !
Lawyer for D.C. comics: Aha! We've been waiting for a reason to
	sue Sliders. Consider us on your list of people to
	compensate for copyright infingement. (snaps fingers and
	disapears in a flash of Q like lightning.)
Quin: (finds his powers are removed) D'oh.
Sisko: Well, I suppose we'd have to fit Q into this somehow.
Q: You rang?
Sisko: (Drawing right hand back) No.
Q: NOT IN THE FACE!!!  (Sisko punches Q out cold.) D'oh!
Quin: Eep. If you can do that to someone with god like powers,
	what else can you do?
Sisko: Arm wrestle Klingons to a standstill, rip Jem'Hadar
	apart with my bare hands. Can you?
Quin: Er, no. I'll just be going now.
Sisko: Uh huh. Not that easily. You see you damaged the turbo
	lift, you must pay.
Quin: How much?

(The camera pulls up to an extreme close up of Sisko, who pulls
his right shoulder back and then hits Quin with an almighty
right cross on the chin. Quin blinks a few times, then falls
down the turbo lift.)

Sisko: Whoops.
Kryten: Good punch sir. I'm sure Mr Worf would say there was
	Klingon blood in you.
Sisko: I sure hope there isn't.

(Lister is playing his guitar while Rembrant is screaming, er,
singing. A Bajoran Undertaker (Special guest star, Mel Torme)
approches them. )

Bajoran Undertaker: Excuse me, but would you mind moving on?
Lister: Yes.
Rembrant: Yes.
Bajoran Undertaker: It's just that you are, how shall I say
	this? (points to the deserted section of the promanade.)
	Diverting customers, from my business?
Lister: So?
Rembrant: All we're doing is basking.
Bajoran Undertaker: For what?
Lister: Money.
Bajoran Undertaker: But the Federation doesn't use money.
Lister: So how can O'Brian and the others pay for their drinks
	at the bar?
Bajoran Undertaker: (Stumped) Erm.
Lister: Besides the Bajoran's use money, the Ferangi use money.
	We can get money from them
Bajoran Undertaker: (moves off, obviously annoyed)
Lister: Finnaly. Right, from the top.
Rembrant: One, and a two, and a one two three four.

(The two start a horrible screaching like noise that they
obviously both think passes for music. One of Lister's guitar
strings snap, neither notice.)

Dredd: What in the name of Grud is that awful noise? Has
	something breached our hull?
Lister: Why does everyone think that? No, we were just basking.
Dredd: Basking?
Rembrant: Yeah, you know street performing. We sing and play on
	the guitar, and people pay us money.
Dredd: (Sarcastic) to stop?
Lister: No, for entertaining them.
Dredd: (Sarcastic) That may be what you call it.
Lister: Er, what do you call it?
Dredd: Begging, public disturbance, violation of the noise
	pollution reg's act of 2098. Looking at two months for
	begging, three years for the disturbance, another two
	months for the noise pollution, and about one year for
	claiming to be street performer's when you have about as
	much musical ability as my left foot. (Dredd exhales
	loudly)
Rembrant: How'd you do that?
Dredd: (Taking a breather) With practise. (slaps cuffs on
	Lister's right hand and Rembrant's left, then he smashes
	the guitar against a wall.)
Lister: HEY! That was my guitar.
Dredd: Believe me, I'm doing the universe a favour. Come on,
	Odo and I have a deal about the use of his facilities
	here.

(Dredd drags them off by the scruffs of Rmebrant's neck and
Listers dreadlocks. Meanwhile in the bar, Cat walks up to the
"pool" table. Quark is now lying unconcious on the table, with
a note pined to his body, signed "Logan & Dax")
Cat: Woah! (sniffs the table to find out what happened [It's a
	common fact that when Dogs and Cats sniff things, it's
	because these objects have some kind of scent on them that
	allows the animals to tell what happened. It's a bit like
	reading the newspapers only more reliable].) Quark made a
	pass at Dax? After trying to bill them the damage to the
	Daboo table? Woooaah! Go girl. Still, I'm nowhere closer
	to finding me a girl.
Leeta: (waltz pass, Rom in tow, drooling)
Cat: (Looking at Leeta's, "brains".) Then again.

(Meanwhile in the Oberth Class ship that the Predator Captain
has taken over, Forge is busy creating a new way of using the
M'Kran crystal to do what the Predator wants it to do, as well
as what he (Forge) wants it to do.)

Forge: Right. I've managed to study the Warp drive, the
	transporter systems, the Sliding timer and found a way to
	get them to be merged together to create a brand new
	system. Now all I have to do is intergrate the M'Kran
	crystal to allow us to open portals to other dimensions
	and let you get trapped, er increase your collection of
	skulls.
Predator Captain: And this will be done when?
Forge: Give me ten minutes.
Predator Captain: You have five.
Forge: Done.
Predator Captain: Excerlent. And now since I have no more use
	for you, you can die, and be added to my collection.
Forge: Not so fast. I've installed Windows 98 as the operating
	system. Without me, you've haven't a chance in hell to
	understand the system.
Predator Captain: I know how to use that operating system. Even
	though we Predators use Macs.
Forge: Uh huh. (Looking behind the Predator.) Care to look
	behind you?
Predator Captain: No.
Bishop: Too bad, (Blows the unlucky Predator away with a couple
	of high, energy rounds from his really big gun.) should
	listen to people when they say that.
Forge: I knew someone would find the *TECH* thingie that I had
	*TECH* setup to give away my location. How did you find
	the signal? Over your *TECH* device?
Bishop: No, I just wandered in here, and saw you at the mercy
	of this creature. Mind you, I think you've been hanging
	around this O'Brian guy too much. Your starting to sound
	like him. (Looks round for the Predator) Say where'd it
	go?
Forge: (Surprised.) It survived?
Bishop: Looks like it.

(Inside the Brig section of the security department, or Iso
cubes as dredd keeps callign them, Dredd is busy locking Lister
and Rembrant away. Dredd is also examining the personnel
possessions of the twosome.)

Dredd: Condom?
Rembrant: (Smiling) Well, the way Maggie's been acting
	recently...
Dredd: Add another two years.
Rembrant: What?
Dredd: (Puts it away) In Mega City One, the law states that you
	must be married to have sex.
Lister: This isn't Mega City One.
Dredd: (Holding up timer) One, what is this? Some kind of
	phone?
Rembrant: That's out timer, Quin gave it to me for safe keeping
	inbetween one of the other scenes.
Dredd: What is it? Some kind of explosive?
Rembrant: No, it's our device for moving from one reality to
	another.
Dredd: Four more months for possession of illegal inter
	dimensional transportation. (Puts timer away and picks up)
	One watch, one wallet, containing, (flips through the
	wallet) one hundred US dollars. Won the lottery I suppose?
Rembrant: (Sneers at Dredd.) Yeah, that ilegal?
Dredd: Yes, three years, gambling. (Starts looking through
	Listers possessions.) One, Grud on a Grenie *CHOKE*
	Drokit. *HACK*  Must get, *COUGH* Resperator, *CHOKE*
	down... ... (collapse's unconcious.)
Rembrant: What did that to him?
Lister: (Looks at the object Dredd has now dropped on the
	floor.) Aww, man.  He dropped it. That was last week's
	vindaloo. I was keeping that for me packed lunch.
Rembrant: (Looks at Lister in disgust.) Lets just get out of
	here. (Grabs his things and runs for it.)

(Insert commercial break)

(An anoying smug looking bastard in a suit in a store full of
various chairs, furniture and expensive looking frilly bits to
make the place look really expensive, is smiling at the camera,
while managing to look really annoyed that he's doing the
advert in the first place.)

Suit: Come to Furniture land, where we have plenty of
	overpriced luxery goods for the poorer people out there to
	fantasise about sitting on.

(Insert a picture of a store full of overpriced goods, with
various people sitting on them to show how good they are. What
they don't show you are the few people with back problems
caused by actually owning the damn things, but don't let that
put you off.)

Suit: We have our latest one week sale where you can order a
	setae, have it delivered in a week, pay nothing for a
	year, own it for two years, then pay with interest free
	credit five years later.OR!

(Shot of the same Suit levitating past a leather setae with a
well endowed blonde in a swimsuit lying on it.)

Suit: (Trying to get rid off the blonde) You could buy this
	luxury leather three piece suite, own it for two years,
	pay nothing for five year, and get away with 0% interest
	free credit for one year.

(Shot of yet more chairs, sofas, tables, cabinets, Grandfather
clocks etc. The suit is now approaching the camera, shooing the
cameraman away with his hands.)

Suit: This one week special will only last for another two
	months, or until we film another set of these damned
	adverts, or were these another once in a lifetime one
	weeks ad's? Oh I can't remember anymore. I've done so many
	of these ad's. Why Satan? Why? (Snaps out of it) But
	hurry. We expect to be bankrupt by next week.

(End commercial break)

(Bashir is busy attaching Bareil's arm to Maggie. Judge Dredd
is hanging around in the background, getting on Bashir's
nerves, and having treatment for the vindaloo poisoning.)

Bashir: Look this is complex enough, without you breathing down
	my neck.
Dredd: Don't give me that drok.
Bashir: (confused) Don't give you that WHAT?

(Suddenly Maggie's life signs flatline. A vacum cleaner can be
heard reving up)

Bashir: SHIT!
Sliders fans: YES!
Dredd: Drok it.
Nurse: Hold still.

Mike + Crow: (overdramitcally) DUM! DUM! DUUUM!!!!

Dredd: (Looking round) Who is saying that?
Bashir: Damn. The cleaner must have came in here and unhooked
	the life surport so she could use her vacum cleaner.
Dredd: If we lose this Perp, you'r doing time creep.
Bashir: Oh, go away, you annoying little man.
Dredd: What?
Bashir: You heard me.
Dredd: Do you know what kind of sentence saying that to a Judge
	will get you in an Iso cube? Do you know what they'd do to
	you in an Iso cube shower unit? Do you know that there is
	absouloutly no chance of parole?
Bashir: Twenty years, butt fuck, yes.
Dredd: (Surprised) What? You want to be-?
Bashir: (Interupting) No, I don't. Though if I ever manage to
	get Dax away from Worf, I might... never mind. Telling you
	that would proberly get me ten years.
Dredd: Actually, it would get you a life sentence, and
	castration. (Holds up a scaple)
Bashir: Lets talk about this some other time, eh?

(Cut to a Jefferies tube. The Predator Captain is crawling
through it, there's eluminous green blood all over the place
courtesy of the non fatal wounds Bishop gave it.)

Crow: A scene, cut from Aliens, maybe?
Mike: The edition of it no one wants us to see.
Crow: It's a case for Mulder and Scully...
Mike: The greatest X-file of all. Has Scully ever done it?
Crow: Nah, that would be has Mulder ever done it?
Mike: Properly, with one of the clones of his sister.
Crow: Ewww.

(The Predator comes round a corner, and sees the Polymorph.)

Predator Captain: A Polymorph. A rare bilogical weapon. Their
	skulls are very valuable. Lets see, what weapons do I have
	left? Wrist blades, Shakram, rubber glove, Kylie Minogue
	single, nude photos of Ginger Spice, needle I borrowed
	from the Hospital planet.
Polymorph: Uh? (Picking up on the thoughts of the Predator)
	Ugh! (starts changing)
Predator Captain: (Not noticing the Polymorph's morph.) Sledge
	hammer, what the? Shit.
Schwarzeneggermorph: Hasta la Vista baby.
Preadator Captain: SHIT! The one thing ALL Predators fear the
	most.  Schwarzeneggermorph: All that maters to me now, is
	Chenny.

Crow: Awful accents?
Mike: Bad acting?

Predator Captain: (Seen from the Schwarzeneggermorph point of
view as it closes in on him) Arrrrghhhh!

(Wolverine is in bed with Dax, smoking a cigar. Wolverine that
is, not Dax. Worf comes in.)

Worf: Jadzia, I... What in the name of Kahless?
Wolverine: Stick around bub. Might learn how to satisfy a
	women.
Worf: Jadzia, I knew you were incapable of ever attaining my
	trust, but this?
Dax: Oh, come on Worf. You've slept around.
Worf: I HAVE NOT SLEPT! (Remembers Troi.) around.....
Dax: Counsellor Troi?
Worf: That was different, I was dating her.
Dax: That half Romulan girl on the prison colony?
Worf: That is SUPPOSED to be a secret. Damned writers, can't
	they ever rember contiuity?
Dax: This is Star Trek, continuity be damned.
All Transformers: AMEN TO THAT!
Worf: (Looking around for the legion of Transformers lovers he
	just imagined Jadzia doing it with, just to get on his
	nerves) I do not want to know where they are hiding. Or
	what they could possible do for you in bed that I could
	not.
Dax: Oh, it was just a voice over.
Worf: That matters not now. I have been betrayed, and
	dishonoured.
Dax: Again.
Worf: Klingon honour demands that I challenge you to a duel to
	the death.
Wolverine: Suits me, bub. After all, I got my healing factor,
	and I don't die easy.
Worf: We shall see about that.

Worf: (leaves, the camera closing in on his face, which ripples
	changling style. Worf notices this) Get that camera outta
	my face. (Starts to beat up the camera man) Get it away
	from me.

(Back in the Bar, Quark wakes up on the Daboo table. He gropes
around, checking his body for damage.)

Quark: ROM! GET THIS DART OUTTA MY BUTT!
Rom: (Comes running from helping Letta with the drinks) coming
	brother.
Letta: Whatdafu? Wha! (Drops the tray of many cold drinks over
	a Bolian who was wearing a Toupee, and had a Daboo girl on
	his lap.) Oh, sorry.
Bolian: Gaa. I'm all wet. And look at my hair!
Letta: Oh come on. That's a wig, and everyone knows it.
Bolian: It is not a wig. How dare you accuse me of not having
	hair? Are you saying I lack testosterone?
Letta: No, it's just a biological fact that Bolians don't have
	hair.
Bolain #2: You haven't seen his wife.
Bolian: (Punches #2 out) Shut up.
Dabbo Girl: Your married? Pig. (picks up a glass of water and
	splashes it in his face.) I never want to see you again.
	(Leaves.)
Leeta: Look, everyone knows Bolians are bald.
Bolian: And what would you know? You're just a, just a Daboo
	girl.
Letta: Do you want to wear that hair piece, or choke on it?
Bolian: Neither Captain Jean Luc Picard, or Captain Sisko have
	hair, and their humans, like you.
Letta: Picard lost his hair due to age. Sisko thinks he looks
	cooler without hair. And I'm Bajoran by the way.
Bolian: Oh, oh, yeah. Sorry, can barely see that nose thing.
	Gee a couple of decades of occupation by a fascist force
	and you lose your sense of humour. Couldn't they think of
	a better idea, to make Bajorans look more, different to
	humans?
Letta: Not unless they wanted us to look ugly like the Bolians.
Bolian: That's it. I demand to see the manager.
Letta: He's busy having a dart removed from his butt.
Cat: Woah. (Has been hiding round a corner listening in to the
	conversation.) This is my kinda chick. (Approaches the
	arguing pair.)
Cat: Scuze me folks.
Bolian: Go away, human.
Cat: I'm no human.
Bolian: I don't see no, pointed ears or raised eyebrows, or
	anything that makes you look alien. So what are you?
Cat: (Smiles, revealing his canine teeth)
Bolian: (Worried) You're a vampire?
Cat: Bud, I, am the product of three millions years of
	evolution for the humble domestic cat. Woah!
Bolian: (Under his breath) Are you sure your race actually did
	any evolving, mentally?
Cat: (not paying attention to the Bolian) Two, count em, two
	longs words in that sentence. That's a record. Better
	check how I'm looking. (Pulls out a mirror and checks his
	image.) No, I'm looking nice. I'm the nicest looking thing
	in this room. Even nicer then the hot waitress over there
	with the bald blue freak.
Bolian: (Going red with rage, the result makes him look like a
	Drasi from Babylon 5, anyone know if they are Green or
	Purple?) WHAT?
Cat: Woah, bud, that ain't good for your blood presure.
Letta: Don't Bolians have blue blood? How can they go red if
	they have blue blood?
Bolian: WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW? YOU'R JUST A DABOO GIRL!
Letta: Why you arrogant, little-
Cat: Woah, calm down baby. I know how to deal with this guy.
	(clears the table that the Bolian was sitting at, and
	pulls the Bolian down onto it quite forcefully. He then
	produces a portable ironing set.) What this dude needs is
	his suit getting a little pressed. I know I get edgy when
	I have problems with my clothing. But I've never had a
	crease so big in the butt of my trousers, that you could
	land a plane in it.
Bolian: What in the name of the (As yet unnamed by TPTB) Bolian
	home world, are you ranting about?
Cat: Relax bud. (Proceeds to Iron out the crease in the Bolians
	clothes. While the Bolian is still wearing them.)
	Bolian: (Extreme close up of his face, wide eyed in pain.)
	OH MY  A3$%^ING G*D!!!!!

(Cut to another section of the bar, Sheridan is sitting at a
table, with Baldrick and Rimmer. Sheridan looks like he'd
rather be somewhere else, Baldrick looks like he always does,
and Rimmer is clearly getting on every ones nerves.)

Rimmer: (re Cat and the screams of agony coming from the
	Bolian) Oh good god, what has that flea bitten moggy got
	himself into THIS time?
Sheridan: (Quietly to himself) I wish I'd known what I was
	getting myself into, when I decided to come to this
	dimension.
Rimmer: Sorry?
Sheridan: I said, was there anything you wanted to know about
	my dimension?
Rimmer: Actually, there were a few plot points from the last
	parody you could clear up.
Sheridan: Well, I can try. I wasn't in the parody mind you.
Rimmer: First of all, why did Blackadder have a hole in his
	memory, a twenty four hour period that he couldn't rember?
Sheridan: (Stumped) I have no idea.
Baldrick: I do.
Rimmer: What, how?
Baldrick: I was there too. We were abducted, by these bald
	aliens, with bones on the back on their skulls. And they
	did all these experiments on us, and then they decided to
	let us go, and wipe our memories. Then they dumped us back
	in one of the craters caused by the explosions from the
	big push.
Sheridan: (Obviously uncomfortable) I'll have to ask Delene
	about this.
Rimmer: So how come you remember all this?
Baldrick: For some reason none of their experiments would work
	on me.
Rimmer: (Looking at the obviously diseased Baldrick) I wonder
	why.

(Cut to the Infirmery. Bashir is just making the finishing
touches to Maggie's new arm. Dredd is still getting on Bashir's
nerves.)

Bashir: Look, for all I know I may get an emergency case at any
	moment, will you please leave?
Dredd: I'm not leaving until you get my Perp ready for
	transport back to Mega City one.
Bashir: Oh? And how do you propose to get back home to Mega
	Shitty one?
Dredd: That's City, not shitty. And I plan on using the same
	device that brought me here. My dimension jump device.
Basir: Figures. Well, look. I could have any number of
	emergency cases here at any moment, could you clear out?
	It would be hard to treat patients in a sterile
	environment if I have you standing here contaminating the
	place, won't it?
Dredd: This room was never sterilised when you started to work
	on her arm, was it? Besides, I doubt your going to get
	many cases, not unless there's some pyscho with a dart, or
	a steam press or something on the lose.

(Bajoran medics and Rom come running in with Quark and the
Bolian on stretchers. Both screaming in pain.)

Quark + Bolian: My BUTT!!
Dredd: That'll be thirty years each if you've been up to what I
	think you've been up to.
Bolian: My butt is burning!
Quark: My butt is stinging.
Bashir: (whips Tricorder over their butts.) Well, Quark, you
	just seem to attract darts today, don't you? Did Lister
	miss again?
Quark: No! This one was jammed in there by that hairy psycho,
	Wolverine-
Dredd: (Interupting) I knew I should have killed, er, executed
	that muttie.
Bashir: Oh, come on.
Quark: He was with Dax. I think they went off to her quarters.
Bashir: (Totaly non pulsed)
Nurse: Aren't you supposed to still be in love with her?
Bashir: (Looks confused for a moment, then realisation spreads
	on his face) I'LL KILL THAT FURBALL BASTARD!!!!! (Bashirs
	face returns to normal rather too quickly.)
Bolian: What about me?
Bashir: (Scans Bolian) You've second degree burns to your butt
	checks. That's all.
Bolian: Well, it burns. Do something.
Bashir: I'm going to. I'm going Wolverine hunting.

What does Worf have in mind for Wolverine? What does "Bashir"
think he can do to Wolverine? What will happen to the Predator?
Will the Transformers ever stop fighting? Will Bajor end up a
bigger mess then ever before? Will the G.E.L.F.s ever show up
again? What about the Polymorph? Will "Bashir" do a good job on
Maggie's arm, as well as Quark and the Bolain? Will anything 
happen with the Sheridan/Baldrick plotline? Find out all these
answers in the conclusion of Spoof Trek III: Final conflict.
Part 6: The one where it all ends, after it weird's out big
time.

Part 6: The one where it all ends, after it weirds out big time.

Guest stars:
Jim Carrey as, the man everyone is watching.
Pamela Anderson Lee, as the women, no one is interested in.
And Bill Clinton as the President, who tells the truth, the
whole truth, and nothing like the truth, expects us to swallow
it, and gets away with it all.

It's the end people, the end of the entire Galaxy. The Wormhole
is sucking everything up into it, and all the Transformers are
too busy fighting on Bajor to care.

(Prime, gets nailed by a blast from Soundwave. Starscream runs
up to him and trys to take his pulse.)

Starscream: Nope, can't find one, he must be dead, again.
	(Everyone looks doubtful)
Prime: (grabs hold of Starscream's neck) Wannabet?
Starscream: Ulp. Works on humans. Just how many times are you
	going to come back from the dead?
Prime: As many as it takes.
Megatron: Well, at least we didn't have any Star Trek II and
	III jokes. (Blasts Starscream)
Starscream: Aiiieeee. You're supposed to hit Prime.
Megatron: (Smug) I know what I was aiming for.
Starscream: Grrrrrrr.

(Meanwhile in the bar, Sheridan and Baldrick are having a drink
while Rimmer is asking about how Red Dwarf and Voyager could
have been pulled through the exit jump gate, and then arrive in
an alternate reality hundreds of years in the future. Letta and
Cat are also having a drink.)

Cat: (Annoys Letta by pinching her butt, she slaps him, and
	runs off.) Hey, baby, where you going?
Leeta: Back, to someone who treats me as a human, I mean, a
	Bajoran ought to be treated.
Cat: Uh?
Polymorph: (Comes in through an air vent)
Cat: Oh man, not another one...
Polymorph: (Using it's tenticle it turns Cat into Barington)
Cat: Neeeagh!
Rimmer: (re the Polymorph) What the smeg?
Sheridan: It's quite simple, the Shadows were trying to go back
	in time to world war one, in an attempt to ruin humanity
	at an earlier point of history, and pick up some agents of
	theirs that they sent there. So that, strictly speaking,
	wasn't a "jumpgate", but a "timegate". As far the
	Cancerman, well, Q apperntly transported him there as a
	joke during the first parody, somehow he must have teamed
	up with their scout's.
Rimmer: No, not that stupid technobable and hypotherthsis,
	(points at Polymorph) THAT!
Sheridan: Well, I believe, strictly speaking that is something
	from your dimension, so I'll let you field that one.
Polymorph: (jumps onto the banister next to the table the men
	are sitting at and attacks Baldrick, turning him into the
	Sheriff of Nottingham)
Sheridan: (Pulls out his PPG and starts blasting away at the
	Polymorph, to no effect) Everyone out, now. We gotta get
	away from this thing.

(Everybody starts to make a run for it, while the Polymorph
starts to cause all kinds of chaos that's going to annoy Quark
when he gets out of surgery.)

Jake: (Sips from his orange juice, and proceeds to be ignored
by everyone, just like in the rest of season five.)

(Outside the bar.)

Sheridan: Anyhow, we managed to follow by retrofitting one of
	the Whitestars and travelling back after them. We also had
	a Minbari War ship with us, maybe they were responsible
	for the hole in Blackadder's mind.
Rimmer: Do you ever stop talking?
Sheridan: Some people have suggested that I go on a bit. Do you
	think I go on? I mean...
Rimmer: Arrrgh! Make it stop.

(Meanwhile, on Bajor, Prime and the orginal Megatron square
off.)

Prime: One shall stand, one shall fall.20
Megatron: Why throw away your life so recklesly?
Prime: (shruggs shoulders) It's a living, and it brings in the
	ratings. (looks over to Hot Rod) Stay out of this, I don't
	feel like dying today.
Hot Rod: D'oh.
Prime: (Hit's Megatron over the head with Starsceam.) Take
	that.
Megatron: D'oh, I thought you'd have let him go by now?
Prime: (flings Starscream into a corner of a wrestling ring
	that wasn't there five seconds ago.) Just you and me, now,
	Megatron.
Megatron: Wait, we need a ref.
Prime: No we don't. (Punches Megatron out.)
Starscream: Tag me Megatron, and I'll defeat him.
Megatron: (manages to get a tag in, before Prime drop kicks his
	back.) Ouch!

(Note: I am not an expert on fight scene description, so I've
hired some experts to help me.)

Jim Ross: Such athleticism.
Jerry Lawler: You always say that, JR.
JR: What do you mean?
Lawler: Whenever someone like the Undertaker walks the top
	rope, you always say that.

(Starscream bodyslams Prime, who goes flying into his corner.)

JR: But this isn't the Undertaker. It's the Autobot leader,
	and, oh my. Are you allowed to Transform in the ring?
Lawler: Who cares? He's got Skywarp pinned to the floor, and I
	doubt that any robot has enough strength to lift an
	articulated Truck offa his chest.
JR: I believe, that's Starscream, not Skywarp.
Lawler: How can you tell? They look the same to me.
JR: Skywarp is black, Starscream is red.
Lawler: You calling him a communist?
JR: (Trademarked Jim Ross annoyed tone) Will you shut up?
Lawler: And oh, Prime was lucky to survive a blast from
	Megatrons Fusion cannon, Starscream covers Prime.20
JR: Kickout by prime.
Lawler: Referee got a two count.
JR: Are weapons of mass destruction allowed into the ring?
Lawler: (Prime kicks Starscream in between the legs) (ignoring
	JR) Oh yeah, (surprised look on JR's face) No wonder
	Starscream talks in such a high pitched voice. Lets take a
	look on the double feature screen. We can see the power of
	that blast knocking Prime clean of his feet, er, wheels.
JR: And Prime tags Ultra Magnus.
Lawler: And he's picked up Starscream, thrown him clean out of
	the ring. Megatron comes in, OH! Clothesline by Magnus.
JR: The leader, and founder, I might add of the Decepticons,
	Megatron, is now on the floor, wondering what just hit
	him.
Lawler: About ten tons of Titanium.20

(The lights go out)

Lawler: Waitaminut? Why's it all gone black?
JR: I dunno, King.

(Music starts playing, a red spot light focuses on a doorway of
a stadium doorway that wasn't there five minutes ago.)

JR: Isn't that Kane's music?
Lawler: I think so, whats he doing here?
JR: Is he going to take THESE guys on?

(Sure enough, Kane try's to take on Megatron.)

Megtron: What? A human is a red and black flame out fit is
	trying to lift me up?
Lawler: Ohh, messy.
JR: The Undertaker is not going to like this.
Lawler: Well, Mankind will be laughing, that is if his mind is
	still in one peace today.
JR: Folks, Kane, the Phenomes, bigger little brother, has just
	been squashed flat, by a metalic menace. What will it take
	to end this all?
Lawler: So much for the "Big red machine".
JR: Technically, I suppose Prime is the real BIG Red Machine.
Prime: You'd have to ask my girl friend, Alieta one about that.

(Vince McMan walks out with a microphone. Subtitles show that
he's the "owner" of the WWF. Various brown nosers, sorry, WWF
"officials" are nervously walking behind him,)

McMan: Megatron, I want to offer you the chance to become a
	pro.
JR: What?
Lawler: You heard the man, he wants Megatron.

(Meanwhile, on the Station)

Sisko: About time.
Kryten: (Dressed in a French maids outfit, and busy dusting
	with a feather duster.) La, la, la, cleaning, cleaning, I
	love to clean things.
Sisko: (With a very woried look on his face, trys to side step
	away from Kryten without being noticed.) Er, yeah. Chief,
	have you came up with any ideas as to how we can stop the
	wormhole destroying the whole damn system?
O'Brian: Sorry sir. I've been too busy babysitting my son
	again.
Sisko: I thought I told you to hire a baby sitter to do that
	when your on duty?
O'Brian: well, Dax was, er busy entertaining, and Jake was in
	the bar...
Sisko: What?
O'Brain: Drinking orange juice.
Sisko: Sheesh. Had me worried there, chief.
Kira: Dominion vessel approaching us, It's Weyoun.20
Sisko: What does that fascist, no good, long eared clone want?
Weyoun: (voice over and on view screen) I wanted to apologise
	about the incident when several rogue Jem'Hadar attacked
	your station. After all, we aren't at war, but relations
	are stressed.
Sisko: (Takes a moment to clear his throat) No, we are not, and
	yes they are. Apology accepted,
Weyoun: Good, I'm glad to hear that, Captain. Diplomacy is, so
	much more convenient, isn't it? (Leans closer to the
	screen) And by the way, my ears may be big, but at least
	they are symmetrical. (Viewscreen flashes out to show
	stars)
Sisko: Only because of the prosthetics.
Weyoun: (Voice over) I heard that.
Sisko: F&$K.

(Suddenly the Turbo lift opens and the Fellowship of the Ring
come out.)

Gandalf: I knew I didn't like the smell of this route through
	Moria.
Boromir: If only I had the ring, then we would have defeated
	the Enemy already.
Gimili: (looks around) By Durin's beard, this is not Dwarf
	design.
Legolas: Nor Orc either by the looks of it.
Sisko: No, this is Cardasian design.
Legolas: Cardasians?
Aragorn: In all my travels, I have never heard of any such
	people.
Kira: (Scoffing) Then you're lucky.
Gandalf: Come, let us try to find the correct path out of
	Moria.
Gimli: Kazard dun.
Gandalf: Whatever.
Pippin: Still, that monster at the gate that attacked us has me
	worried. What if it attacks us again?
All members of the fellowship: SHUT UP PIPPIN!
Computer: Defiance of standing order. Standby:
Gandalf: What sorcery be this? (raises his hands in a defensive
	gesture, raising his staff above his head)
Computer: Activating wipeout routine.

(A replicator starts up, and replicates a phaser drone, that
starts firing at the Fellowship who take cover behind a
console.)

Frodo: Yikes (Slips on the ring and becomes invisible).
Gandalf: You fool Frodo. Take off the ring, and use it not!
Frodo: Aawwwe. (Slips it off again)
Legolas: I can not get a clear shot at that device with my bow.
Gimli: Tis like no device I have ever laid eyes upon.
Gandalf: (His pointy hat is shot off his head by a passing
	blast) ENOUGH! (Stands up, levels his staff and blows up
	the drone and replicator with a single blast of magic.)
Sisko: (Comes out of his office with Kira, O'Brian and Kryten)
	Nice work gentlemen.
Sam: I'm a Hobbit.
Merry: Shush, Sam.
Gimli: And I a Dwarf.
Legolas: And I am a member of the fair people.
Sisko: (Confused) Are you saying your gay?
Legolas: (Angry) I'm an ELF!
Kira: With those ears, you look like a Vulcan.
	Legolas: A what?
Sam: (looking at Kryten) Mr Frodo, why is that strange man
	dressed like that?
Frodo: I've no idea Sam.
Kryten: I'm a mechnoid. I'm meant to look cubish.
Sam: I meant the dress.
O'Brian: Oh, I wouldn't worry. My father used to tell me I was
	really a girl as a punishment, if I ever did anything
	wrong. Used to make me wear dresses too. (faraway voice)
	Pretty dresses.

(Everyone edges away from O'Brian.)

Aragorn: Come, let us away. Prehaps there is a way out of this
	strange dark place that can lead us back to Moria. That
	other strange dark place where we were supposed to be.

(The Fellowship leave via a turbo lift, which is of course,
full of Orcs that they have to fight off.)

Gimli: Ah, better this then facing the Balrog.
Gandalf: Do not mention HIM, else, I fear we may just meet him.
Kryten: well, can it get any weirder?
Sisko: I dunno. Lets try to hail the Autobots.
Kira: Hailing frequencies open.
Sisko: (Looks confused) Somehow that didn't sound right.
Kira: Sorry.
Soundwave: (Appears on screen) What is this?
Sisko: Who are you?
Soundwave: I am Soundwave, Decepticon  spy- er, communications
	officer.
Kryten: why do you sound like a Clyon?
	Soundwave: A what?
Kryten: You know, silvery robot that went around killing
	humans.
Soundwave: Unlike Dirge, Ramjet and Thrust.
Sisko: Oh? Why's that?
Soundwave: Their aim sucks.
All: Ohhhhh.
Soundwave: (sounding like Dr Claw) What do you want? Damn, they
	forgot to edit my voice for this.
Megatron: (Voice over) Soundwave, get over here.
Soundwave: By your command, Megatron.

(Soundwave signs off, much to the relief of the good guys, who
quite frankly were beginning to get scared. Back in the WWF
ring on Bajor.)

McMan: Well, what do you think?
Megatron: Let me thi-NO! (Blast's McMan away with his fusion
	cannon leaving a bloody mess on the floor). I already have
	an offer to provide the voices the aliens in a sequel to
	Mars attacks.
Starscream: What would that be?
Megatron: VENUS attacks. (Starts blasting away McMan's
	cronnie's.)
JR: Good god. Can anyone stop this bastard?
Megatron: No, no one can. (Levels cannon at JR, and is suddenly
	whacked on the head by a what looks like an old WWI
	bombshell, except it's slightly runny.) Oww, what the?
Swoop: (High in the air and in Pterodactyl mode) DINOBOT
	DROPINGS!
Megatron: Uuugh. This stinks.
Grimlock: You stink too, er, you ugly as well. (beats the crap
	out of Megatron)
Megatron: (Looking like he doesn't know what day of the week it
	is) Decepticon's, retreat, from this planet.

(The Decepticons retreat, and the Autobots destroy the Energeon
cubes.)

Prime: Good Work Dinobots.
Slag: Me Slag, want to munch metal
Prime: Maybe later, right now, the Predacons are proving that
	they couldn't be trusted.
BW Megatron: Did he say Dinobots?

(As the Predacons start to betray the fragile alliance we go
back to DS9 while the Dinobots start to kill the Predacons. We
also see Megetron and Grimlock Transform into their T-Rex
modes, thus scaring the shit out of any and all Japanse
tourist's. Eventually, Godzillia is sicked on the pair of them.
Cut to Ops Forge and Bishop are now in Ops with Forge's new
device, ready to use it.)

Forge: Now this device will send everyone back to their own
	reality, regardless of where they are now in this
	dimension.
O'Brian: (Obviously miffed) Gee, great.
Forge: All I have to do to activate it is to slide my fingers
	along here, as if though it was a transporter, (O'Brian
	frowns) and everyone will be sent back to their homes.
Sisko: Incredible. And it runs on Windows 98?
Forge: Yes. And even Mac software as well.
Sisko: Amazing. How did you find the time to build it?
Forge: It's amazing what having a Predator pointing a gun at
	your neck will do to your work rate.

(Wolverine and Dax walk in.)

Wolverine: We ready for the off yet, Forge?
Forge: Yes, we can all go back right now.

(Suddenly, Worf, Bashir and Judge Dredd barge in with phaser
Riffles trained on Wolverine.)

Wolverine: Three on to me? Odds are hardly fair, are they?
Dredd: Tough for you.
Wolverine: I was talking about it not being fair on you.
Worf: I don't care.
Bashir: (Nudges Worf) Worf doesn't contract, he always says, "I
	DO NOT", not "DON'T".
Worf: You are thinking of Data.
Bashir: You sure?

(Odo, comes in.)

Odo: Captain, I believe we have a changeling infiltrator among
	us.
Bashir: (Worried) We do?
Worf: (Worried) We have?
Sisko: Who could it be?
Bashir: Er, sure beats me.
Dredd: (Blasts Worf, who explodes like a changeling) Thought
	so.
Bashir: (Shocked) But, but how did you know?
Dredd: You your self said, he contracted when Worf doesn't
	contract. Besides, the real Worf is still unconcious in
	his quarters.
Dax: How?
Dredd: Rember when I punched him out? Turns out he has a really
	bad case of glass jaw syndrome.
Dax: Oh no, my poor Worfikins.
All: Huh?
Dax: Look, Logan, the sex was incredible.
All: Eh?
Dax: But, I love Worf.
Wolverine: That's OK, Darling, your just another one of my many
	triumphs.
Dax: (Smug) And your just another one of my millions of
	triumphs.
Bishop: Huh?
Wolverine: I'll explain later.
Dax: Good luck on your way home. (leaves to look for Worf, the
	real Worf.)

(Suddenly, there is a flash of light, everyone turns around,
expecting Q, but it's worse then that of course.)

Wesley Crusher: Hi all, I'm here to save the day. (Wesley is
	hit by blast after blast of compreshion phaser fire,
	before he finally takes the hint and leaves. Everyone
	looks at O'Brian.)
O'Brian: (Hiding the phaser rifle behind his back.)
	(Innocently.) What?
Forge: (looking at the smoking remains of his device) You
	idiot, you ruined the machine. It's wrecked now.
O'Brian: (Smiles to himself)
Sisko: Can't you fix it?
Forge: There's nothing left to fix.
O'Brian: Well, there is a way, we could use the replicators.
Forge: Oh no, not after what happened the last time.

(Lister and Rembrant walk in, still handcuffed, followed by a
battered Quin helped by Colin and Maggie, who's right arm seems
noticeably different.)


Dredd: Aha the two perps who gassed me.
Maggie: Aha, the idiot who packs his gun full of high
	explosive. (Maggie beats the living crap out of Dredd)
Wolverine: What a wuss.
Maggie: Shut up, Furball. (Starts beating up Wolverine)
Bishop: Uh oh.
Colin: What do you mean, uh oh? Is he likely to gut her?
Bishop: No, the way she's going about it, he's going to just
	treat it as foreplay.
Colin: He is sick.
Bishop: Don't let him hear you say that.
Dredd: (Gets back up.) Well, how are getting back to our
	realities?
Forge: I have one last trick up my sleave. My Sharman powers.
Bishop: Your what?
Forge: I'm an Indian, rember? I have magic powers as well as
	Mutant abilities.

(Sheridan and Rimmer come in, followed by Baldrick and Cat who
are still stuck as the Sherif of Notingham and Barington.)

Lister: The smeg?
Sheridan: Some creature attacked them all and changed them into
	these people.
Cat/Barington: I'm Barington, this is a role I had in a kid's
	tv programe, called "Maid Marian and her merry men".
	Baldrick/Sherif And I wrote most of the episodes used in
	the series.
Forge: Well, I think I know a few spells to sort out your
	character problems, and then get us all back to our own
	realities. (Forge starts dancing round the room screaming
	and throwing dust all over the place.)
Sisko: (to Lister) Well, if we never meet again, good luck Mr
	Lister.
Lister: Yeah, thanks man. But I doubt we can ever really afford
	another crossover with you lot. I mean this is the third
	one, we've had an adventure with the TNG and TOS crews,
	met up Voyager and Bablyon 5, met up with you lot, the
	Sliders have always had a cameo, so have the TOS crew, hey
	where are they?
Sisko: Last I heard, they warped off into a star to do a
	timewarp back to their timeline. It's how they came here
	in the first place. Temporal Shoreleave, I think Kirk
	called it.
Rimmer: Are you sure he didn't say "Whoreleave?"
Sisko: I don't know, I kinda lost interest in what he was
	saying, he was taking so long to speak.

Quin: (Looking for the timer.) Guys, anyone seen the timer?
Rembrant: (Picks up the one Forge replicated and activates
	wormhole.) Here it is. (Rembrant forgetting he's still
	handcuffed to Lister, jumps in, pulling Lister with him,
	Quin doesn't notice this until too late.)

Quin: Opps. (Colin jumps in) Hey, wait a minute. Where's Wade?
Maggie: Dunno. Haven't seen her since the Ferangi Transported
	her away. Hey, does the wormhole look different to you?
Quin: Yeah, yeah it does. Must be a different special effects
	company.
Maggie: It looks pretty cheap if you ask me.
Quin: (looking at Maggie) No comment.

(Quin and Maggie jump in and the Wormhole stays open for five
minutes. Forge meanwhile finishes his spell and cat and
Baldrick are returned to normal. Or as normal as can be for
Baldrick.)

Forge: Right, I'm ready for the sending everyone home spell
	now. (Forge starts dancing round and round the room, going
	"OW!OW!OW!OW!OW!OW!OW!" and making bizare hand gestures in
	the air.)
Kira: (Miffed) HEY! Keep your finger insults to your self.

(Suddenly there is a bright flash of light, and everyone (even
the Transformers who are on the planet) is sent through the
Sliders wormhole, hopefully to their own reality because of
Forges spell.)

(Insert commercial break.)

(Jonathan Frakes is standing on what looks like a studio set
made to look like a living room of a mansion.)

Frakes: Hi, I'm Jonathan Frakes. Tonight on my new show,
	Mysterious thingies, we look at the legend of BigFoot. We
	have pictures, (Insert picture of a hairy looking creature
	crossing over a few fallen trees) we have sound, (Insert
	noises of animals screaming.) we have witness reports.
	(Insert shot of a couple of hill billies who look like
	they ain't washed in a few decades.) And we have more
	photos (insert a picture of a half naked and very hairy
	Jonathan Frakes.) HEY! How did that get in there? (Frakes
	goes crazy, and pulls out a phaser and obliterates the
	camera plus cameraman)

(End of commercial break.)

(The Xmen find themselves back in the X-mansion, with all the
X-women in skimpy French maids outfits.)

Bishop: Are you sure this is our dimension, Forge?
Wolverine: (looking at Jean Grey) Looks fine to me, I mean, it
	looks like the right one to me.
Bishop: Then who's that guy over there?
Wolverine: Gee he looks familiar.
Alternate Wolverine: Could say the same about you, bub. (Pops
	claws, these are still Adamtium claws) Now were ya making
	a pass at my Jeanie? 
Forge: Maybe I made a mistake with the spell after all? (look's
at Storm) Then again... who cares?

(As the two Wolverines go at each other, we see that the
Sliders have found themselves on the Discworld, and have bumped
into Rincewind.)

Colin: Wow, a world where people still believe the Earth is
	flat.

Mike + Crow: (various noise related to inbred southern
	Americans hill billy's.)

Rincewind: Earth? Look, there is a reason we call this the
	Discworld, and that happens to be because it is flat, and
	it's on the back of four giant Elephants, that are
	standing on the shell of a giant star turtle.
Quin: And I bet you've seen it as well?
Rincewind: No, but I did fall off the edge of the bloody rim a
	few years ago.
Quin: Uh huh.
Maggie: I'm going to get something to eat.
Rembrant: (Still hancuffed to Lister) Well avoid that CMOT
	Dibbler guy, his food taste like, like, well, like nothing
	I've ever tasted before.
Colin: What does that CMOT mean?
Rincewind: Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler, which is what he'd rather
	do then con people, allegedly. Of course, there's a lot of
	people who want to cut his throat for that very reason.
	There's also his morphic "twin" in the Counterweight
	continent, Disembowl meself Honrably, that I met once. And
	there's a rumour of some guy in Ominia that goes by the
	name of Cut Me Own Hand Off, who could be another
	relative.
Quin: "Morphic twin"?
Rincewind: Yeah, you know, there's a theory that everyone has a
	double of some sort?
Quin: Er, yeah. Yeah, I know that one.
Maggie: (Comes back with some unidentifiable food) What's this?
Rincewind: Dibbler's infamous, sausage in a bun. It'll put hair
	on your arms.

Crow: And change your sex organs.

Rembrant: He's right, Maggie. Look at your right arm.
Maggie: (Looks in horror at her hairy right arm) And I never
	even ate it.
Rincewind: He must have supped up the recipe.
Lister: Yeah, this is all very nice like, man, but what the
	smeg about me?
Quin: Well, maybe one day, we can find your dimension.

(Quin opens the vortex and they all jump in.)

Rincewind: Hmm, yes the Dean likes to use magic like that. In
	front of the ladies for some reason.

(The Sliders end up in a cell with two familiar looking
robots.)

Hot Rod: What the?
Kup: Where'd you come from?
Quin: Another dimension. How'd you two get here?
Hot Rod: We got jumped on by the Quintision. By the way, this
	is several months after the crossover for us.
Quin: Er, right. Lets not go into that.
Maggie: What's going on out there?
Kup: The OJ trial, as it should have gone. Wanna see? (Kup
	lifts up Maggie and Colin, Hot Rod picks up Quin and
	Rembrant and Lister. Through the bars they can see a
	circular room, with a pit filled with water in the middle.
	Above the water is a long metal overhang with hinges on a
	section that has two men standing on it. In front of the
	overhang is a throne with a large egg shaped creature that
	is suppended on a beam on energy. It has five faces 
	and several tenticles. A similar creature is addressing
	it.)

Quintision Balif: Has the Imperial Magistrate reached a
	verdict?
Quintision Judge: (booming voice) I have.
Quintision Balif: Guilty, or "Innocent"?
Quintision Judge: (The egg section of the body rotates five
	times until it selects a new face. The face of Death.)
	Innocent.
OJ: (to Cochrane) Hey, who needs lawyers? I can get away with
	anything. Even Tax evasion.
Quintision Balif: Feed him to the Sharkticons.
OJ: What?
Cohrane: What?

(The overhang gives way and the two men fall to their certain
deaths.)

OJ: (Produces a knife) This is YOUR fault. (Starts stabbing
	Cochrane as they enter the water. The Sharkticons watch
	for a while, then they start on th eir meal.)
Quintision Judge: (laughing) (Spins it's head around and
	selects a different face for each laugh.)

(Back in the cell, Kup is being solemn)

Kup: Not the end I'd wish for Lads.
Maggie: Ah hem.
Kup: Hm? Oh sorry, thought you were a man. You are pretty hairy
	after all. Just look at that arm.
(Dredd finds himself back in Megacity one, in the middle of a
full scale block war.)

Dredd: Typical start to the day. Right, no more mister nice
	Judge, NUKE THE BLOCKS!
Judge Giant: Dredd? What are you doing here?
Dredd: Giant? You'r alive? Uh oh, that idiot sent me back in
	time.

(Amazingly, on hearing Dredd's voice, all the fighting stops,
and everyoneinvolved in the block war surrenders, even a few
Judges.)

Control over radio: Calling all Judges, riot in progress, Bart
Simpson block's youth section and Ronald Ragean senior citizen
groups are reported to be rioting, again.

Dredd: Drok, not again.

(The Transformers find themselves back in Autobot city,
specifically, in a white padded cell. Servo is with them.)

Prime: (Fearfull) Is this?
Hot Rod: Where we?
Goldbug: Left?
Perceptor: Arcee?
Kup: What?
Blurr:AftershewentmadbecasueshehadtoputupwithDanielforthepast
	elevenyears? Yeah. Itisthementalinstitution.
HardHead: Shut up Blurr (Rips Blurr's head clean off his
	shoulders.) man, I've been waiting months to do that.
Hot Rod: I've been waiting YEARS for someone to do that.
Brawn: Hi Blurr, welcome to the dead club. The only membership
	fee is that you have to be dead to join.
Blurr: (All in white) WhatdiodIdo? WhatdidIdo?
Prowl: (Also in White) You annoyed people, you did ads for
	Micromachines, which effectifly killed the G1 toy line.
	Shall I go on?
Blurr: AtleastIwasnevernailedbyScrapperwithoneshot...
Prowl: I'd kill you if you weren't dead already.
Arcee: (Quietly) Visitors?
All: Uh oh.
Arcee: Hot rod? Is that you?
Hot Rod: (Pushed forward by the others) Erm, yeah.
Arcee: (Upset) How come you never hit on me anymore?
Hot Rod: Would you believe I've got the Matrix back? Yeah,
	that's right, I've got the matrix back, I'm not Hot Rod
	anymore, I'm Rodimus Prime again. Yeah, that's the ticket.
	I can't hit on you because of my responsibilities as
	leader.
Arcee: (Annoyed) BASTARD OF A TARGETMASTER! Do you know what's
	it's like to have to put up with this little pervert in my
	head? You only have someone Transforming into your gun, do
	you know what it's like when their your head?
Hard Head: I've never had any trouble with my Headmaster.
Arcee: (Imitating Daniel) "Gee, I need to stretch my legs let
	me out for five minutes." And I get stuck in car mode. Or
	"I need to go wee wee." And then there was the time I
	found that the control handles inside my head were sticky.
All male Autobots: Arrgh! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!
Arcee: NO!
Prime: Uh, yeah, gee, we gotta go.
Arcee: No! Stay! Please. I don't get many visitors.
Perceptor: Uh Prime?
Prime: Yeah?
Perceptor: The doors locked, from the outside.
Prime: There's going to be an "and" isn't there?
Perceptor: And there isn't anyway to open the door from the
	inside.
Prime: Who's stupid idea was that?

Crow: Yours.

Hot Rod: Yours.

Mike: Good guess.

Prime: And a very good idea it was at the time.
Jazz: Now what?
Blaster: Simple. We start hammering on the door and yell to be
	let out.
Ultra Magnus: Yeah, like that will work in the nut house
	section. Look, your the comm offcier, why don't you radio
	a message telling them where we are?
Slag: Me Slag could melt down door.
Ultra Magnus: ...............That's so crazy it might just
	work.
Servo: Scuze me, guys? Any idea why I'm with you?
Slag: (breathes fire on Servo)
Servo: (burning) Yiiiieeee!!

(Kochanski finds herself back with her crew, all alive on their
Red Dwarf.)

Kochanski: Amazing, what happened? How are you all still alive?
Holo Lister: Alive? Still? What do you mean?
Kochanski: Well, after we visted the alternate Lister and crew,
	you were all killed by the G.E.L.F.'s
Holo Lister: But we haven't even set off yet.

Crow: By the way, did you ever get anywhere with the doctor who
	is really the changeling?
Mike: Dr Who?

Kochanski: We haven't?
Alternate Kryten: No, we haven't. We were just going to set
	off. Are you alright Miss Kochanski?
Kochanski: Forge, must have sent me back in time. Don't go off
	on that journey, Dave was being attacked by G.E.L.F.'s
	when we went there, if I was sent back in time, well, the
	same might happen if we still go, but if we don't go, it
	might not happen.

(They all look at her as if though she's mad.)

Alternate Cat: (Walks in) Hey, we just got sucked into a
	wormhole, and guess who's aproching us?
All: WHO?
Alter Cat: The Enterprise, and it looks pretty new as well. Bad
	news is, we're in some kinda wormhole.

(On board the Enterprise, everybody is suffering the effects of
the wormhole.)

Decker: Arrrrmm, Phootoon Toorpedoos!
Checkov: Awwminng, Toowpedoooss!
Ilia: Taargeet is annn Assteeeerroid....

Mike: captain Picard, before the operation.

Checkov: Aiiiimiing  Tooowpedooooosssssss!
Decker: Fiiirreee Toorpedooooo!
Checkov: Fiwing Towpedooos!

(A couple of Photons are fired off towards the Red Dwarf, on
board the Dwarf.)

All: (In unision) OH SMEG!!!

(Back in the realm of MST3K, Mike and Crow look at the trampled
and melted remains of Servo.)

Mike: Opps.
Crow: I guess that's what happens when you annoy a Gesalt
	Transformer AFTER being set alight by one of the Dinobots.
Mike: Things just won't be the same without him.
Bobo: Oh, I wouldn't worry, you've got me now.
Mike: Oh no, Pearl wouldn't? Would she?

(A shot for the movie next week. Mike and Crow are in their
normal places, Bobo is swinging in the middle of the picture
from a chanderlier that has never been there before, blocking
out half the image. Mike and Crow are now concealing weaponry
to deal with him.)

(Inside one of Babylon 5's many corridor sets, Sheridan and
Baldrick are standing in a small unoccupied space. Lennier
passes them with Wade.)

Sheridan: Who was that with Lennier? (Relises he's being
	crowded by aliens) What the? Holy, where did all these
	people come from?
Minbari: (Covered in some brown kind of liquid) I shit, you
	shit, he or she shits...shit, shit ,shit, shit...
Narn: (Also covered)  Shit will happen to us until we carve the
	Centauri's bones into small flutes for our children to
	play with.
Sheridan: (notices that EVERYONE is covered in... Shit.) Man,
	what is going on here?
Drazi:  Shit happen to Green.  Or....Shit happen to purple.
Shadows:  Shit will happen if that is what you want.
Vorlon: (attacking the Shadows) This shit has _Always_ been
	here....
Drazi: (continuing) Green shit. Purple shit.
Narn: Not shit AGAIN!!!!!
Psi Cop: (passing by) The shit is mother, the shit is father.
Strieb: We spaced the shit.
Mimbari: (angry, must be warrior cast) Our shit has been been
	reincarnated in humans?
Dockers Guild: We want more shit for our work. Waitaminute? Did
	I say that right?
Morden: My associates would like to help you with your shit.
Sheridan: (Spots Garibadli) Hey, Mike, where did all these
	people come from?
Garibaldi: Sorry. I never get involved in my own shit.
Technowizards: We are dreamers, shapers, singers and makers of
	shit.
Morden : His shit is never alone.
Wade: This is disgusting.
Zathras: (Throws hands up in the air) This shit not the One.
Minbari: (Puts a hand on Zathras shoulder) Follow your heart's
	shit.
Zathras: Soory, shit not Zathras strong point.
Baldrick: This could be paradise, if there were a few rats
	around.
Sheridan: (points to Morden) Theres one. Go get him.
Morden: What do you want?
Baldrick: You, Mr Rat.
Morden: Erm, there are some things even MY associate won't help
	you with.

(Meanwhile on the proper Red Dwarf, the crew have now
encountered,  The Enteprise-D.)

Kryten: The way they are acting, it's as if they never seen us
	before.
Cat: The way they are firing photon torpedos at us, it as if
	they never met us before.
Holly: Or, maybe they do rember you, and that's why their
	shotting at you.
Rimmer: (Ignoring Holly) Do you seriously think that we could
	have travelled back to a point in time BEFORE we met them
	in the first parody?
Kryten: Your forgetting that time is an abstract event, that
	can happen at any time. So for instance, we could have met
	them for the first time ever from our point of view in the
	first parody, but they might have met a future verisons of
	ourselves before WE met them in the first parody.
Rimmer: So, your saying that the next parody is going to be
	with TNG, and is set both BEFORE, and AFTER the Spoof
	Trek: The Confused Generation parody and this one,and the
	previous one?
Kryten: Yes.
Cat: (To Kryten) I was with you until the point you said
	"Forgetting". And as for you, well, I just don't listen to
	your goalpost head.
Holly: Look, would someone do something about that ship? Our
	hull can't take all that damage.

(Back on DS9, the Defiant has been recovered, after Forge
forgot to include a line in the spell to bring to back. He also
didn't use a spell to decloke it either but the crew are now
piloting her back.)

O'Brian: Well, that was another weird day over with.
Sisko: Wai,t what's that on sensor?

(Cut to a shot of a strange looking space vechile.)

Dax: No idea. No matching configuration in the databanks. At
	least it's heading away from us.
Sisko: Oh well, at least we've seen the end of the
	Transformers, in this universe.

(Onboard the spacecraft. Galvatron and Zarak are struggling to
recover control of Scorpornok, AKA the spacecraft.)

Galavtron: It's a miracle we ever got this giant shopping mall
	under control.

Crow: If the customer is ever dissatified with their purchase,
	they will be taken out and shot.

Zarak: You were the idiot who opened the plasma energy chamber.

Mike: and left it running. Do you have any idea of how much
	that is going to cost us in our bill? We are on metered
	electricity you know.

Galvatron: SILENCE!! (Deep breath's.) We will conquer another
	planet, rebuild it ten times more powerful then Cybertron,
	then I, I will rule the Universe!
Zarak: Who will rule the universe?
Galvatron: I! It IS MY DESTINY!!!!
Zarak: We shall see, we shall see.

(Scorge and Cyclonus walk in, both are nervous. Their Target
Master partners, Nightstick and Fracus follow behind them
looking sick.)

Scourge: Erm, Mighty Mega, I mean, Galvatron, we, request an
	audience.
Galvatron: Very well, make it quick.

Mike: I'm having a lobotomy later.

Cyclonus: Well, Scourge and I, wish to announce something.
Galvatron: YES!? GO ON! Stop wasting my time.

Mike: I really have to go to that lobotomy.

Scourge: Well, we, that is....
Nightstick: These two have been gay lovers since Unicron
	rebuilt them.
Scourge: (Holds Cyclonus hand)
Galvatron: (Turns and looks at his men with a look of
	incomprehension on his face. He is very quiet for maybe
	two long.)

Mike: Oh, hell, I'll have my lobotomy here. Don't try this at
	home kids.

Cyclonus: Mighty Galvatron? Are you still functioning?
Galvatron: It is rare enough to have a FEMALE, Transformer, but
	a GAY Transformer?
Scourge: Well, we did manage to keep it secret for a while.
Zarek: (Sniggering to himself) GAY Fomers, yes, I can see
	Hasbro trying that as a toyline. No, wait, TranSexuals,
	yes that will go down a treat with parents all over the
	world.
Galavatron: (Miffed, as always) SHUT UP! (Hits Zarak across the
	head.) (To Scourge) First, you (Points a finger at
	Scourges chest) fail to activate the Plasma chamber, you
	(Pokes Scourge) were overpowered by Autobots, you (Poke)
	hunt them down, you (Poke) allow an unholy alliance with
	these flesh creatures so that they can change into your
	(Poke) guns. And in the case of Apeface and Snapdragon and
	a few others, their HEADS!

Bobo: Sounds a bit like a certain person I know.

Galvatron: WHO SAID THAT? I'm hearing those voices again, just
	like when I did twenty years ago when as Megetron I...
	(Catches the looks he's getting from the others)
	Nevermind. Then you (Poke) let us get blasted into space
	by the Autobots, and then you (Poke) tell me this?
	(Continues to rant for a whole hour, poking Scourges
	chest, all the while steam and smoke comes pouring out of
	where his ears would be, if he was human. Eventully, he
	collapse's on the floor.)
Cyclonus: I think he might be dead.
Scourge: Nah, we'd never be that lucky.

Crow: Yeah, someone will just rebuild him into an even more
	powerful, and more of an insane robot.

Zarak: Well, at least he's stopped overacting.

(Shot of Scorpornok, now aproching an unsuspecting DS9.)

Nightstick: (Vocieover) Just out of interest, who the hell
	plays the part of the man between you two?

(Cut back to MST3K, Bobo has now been blown away by Servo.)

THE END?

Next week on DS9, oh what I'm I saying? Everyone's seen the
fifth season by now. And if you haven't don't blame me for it.

This parody was written in 9T8. (as in 1998, oh forget
it.......)