Spoof Trek: The Confused Generation
Spoof Trek: The Confused Generation
--- A retrospective foreword - By David HopperSo, this is it, the very first Star Trek fanfiction I wrote, whichis also my first attempt at humouress writing as well.I've not read all the way through this, simply for the reason itis a damn sight longer than I recall it being, but from just acursory glance over it there is a lot of thing to take in.For one, the spelling errors stand out so much I have to wonderif I even bothered to use a spell checker back in 1997, or if Idid how up to date it was back then. Not that I can tell you whatsoftware I was using, probably something like MS Word which issoftware I've not touched in a long time.Also the humour itself. Jokes are always going to be subjective,what one person finds funny someone might think of as dull, whilesomeone else might take offense, especially in this day and agewhere some people seem to think that applying their own thoughtson a subject is somehow the only correct viable option about anysubject.Which should clearly not be the case but is a discussion forsome other time.But to see the jokes I wa using here, some are indeed cringeinducing some twnety odd years later, which just goes to show how,on simply a personal level, things can change.Some however I am still happy with and would probably still useif I was to write such things today, even if they did annoysomeone else.I should also point out that at the time of writing this fanficI was recovering from surgey and in a lot of pain, finding theslightly warped website really did help make me feel betterabout what I was going through at the time. While looking over the layout I can see so many errors in it, please note this was never written to look like the scripts you would see in a Hollywood movie, but I was trying to match the layout stlye seen in other fanfictions posted on the website at the time. I did make numerous mistkaes such as using different types of brackets to hold descriptive text, and even using this text to act like a narrator, something that was a deliberte choice but occasionally makes some of their usage, like having conversations with the characters, look just a little madder then intended. But then again, this was never meant to be made in live action, just read off the screen for you own enjoyment. In that regard, I hope it still works. EDIT - 06/03/2021 - Decided to mess around and do a banner graphic for the top. Should look a bit more interesting now.Without any further adiu, back to the original text.---Spoof Trek: The Confused Generation
By David Hopper{advance apoliges to Jason Donner and all the other writters who's stories I'm using as "back story" for this parody. You should read Since the world is holow I must have touched the ground, and Space: Behind and between. Hope you like it.} You have my permission to copy it as long as you keep my name on it, blah, blah, blah and all that legal crap that shouldn't applly to a satrie but is for some reason always included. Guest Stars: Mark Lenard as the Romulan commander. The Conservative party as the Romulan crew. Ronald Reagan as himself. Tiger Woods as the golfer saying "I am Tiger woods". And Leslie Neilson as the golfer in the background giving advice to Tiger Woods. Part one: Orange swirlling thingy. Captain's log: Stardate 4562.3 We have a serious medical problem on board ship. It's time for my medical and god help me I don't want to go. Those lolipops Bones gives away afterwards are awfull. Kirk: Status, Mr.Sulu. Sulu: Traverlling like a bat out of hell in a straight line at warp 13, sir. Kirk: So nothings changed there then, business as usual. Sulu: Aye sir. Kirk: (Eyes Uhura) Do you have any shorter skirts women? That thing is more like a belt then a skirt. Uhura: (Looks down) Damm! I forgot to put it on again. Kirk: Report to my quarters for disciplinary action lieutenant. Uhura: Aye sir. (stands up reveiling her knickers as she uncrosses her legs, removes ear piece and exits.) Spock: Captain, I believe this is not actualy permitted. Kirk: Explain. Spock: I believe your disciplinary action is just an excuse to get the lieutenant into your bed. Kirk: Well, I haven't had any sex in nearly two episodes, and shes obviously gaging for it. I mean that skirt is sooooooo short. Spock: Jim, need I remind you that when Dr McCoy catches up with you, he will have to perform all the new standard Starfleet tests. Which include sperm and seamen levels. Kirk: Why, why seamen levels? Spock: The writer is a bit of a perve, captain. Checkov: Keptain, Klingon wessel decloaking off the port bow. (Takes a swig out of a bottle of what looks like vodka.) Kirk: Whats he blithering on about? Spock: Captain, with my keen vulcan sense of smell, and my vulcan logic, I deduce that Checkov is pissed. McCoy: (walks through turbo lift doors) Jim, someones stolen a bottle of my best medical alchol. Kirk: Not now Bones. McCoy: Jim, they also stolen a bottle of Romulan ale. Checkov: (Fiddles with the controls and takes another swig) wheeee! (every one starts to roll about the deck in different directions, Sulu takes over control). Sulu: Resuming course, sir. Kirk: (picks up a female member of crew) You ok? My quarters later tonight. Spock: (still sitting at his seat) Captin, there is a large unknown energy source emerging to the starboard bow. Kirk: How can the sensors detect it? Spock: Ask the writter. Kirk: (to screen) Well? Scriptwritter's voiceover: How should I know. It's always worked like that in the past. You should have asked the other writers who wrote this stuff for a living. McCoy: I don't think this guys got the talent, Jim. Scritwritter: Hump!! Spock: Captain, we are being hailed. Kirk: How? I thought this was some kind of strange anomloly that would kill anyone else who investigated it, except us of course. Not something capale of.... comunication. (looks at auto cue again) Comunicating. Spock: Whilst you and the good doctor were insulting the scriptwritter, he has altered the whole plotline. Kirk: Meaning? McCoy: Jim this is a vulcan your talking to. He'll give you about twenty posssiblities that just won't come true, and then he'll come up with another idea that was the right one all the time and give some god dammed logical reason as to why he didn't see it the first time. Kirk: How did you manage all that on one breath? McCoy: (whezing) Practice. Spock: Captain, I belive that you should answer the hail. We should have visual of their ship in a minute, by which time we can achieve visual contact. McCoy: You just said that we'd have visual contact twice now you green blooded cross bred. Spock: Forgive me doctor. I meant visual contact as in communication, the second time round. McCoy: Huhh? Checkov: (rolling about on the floor) whee! (stand up and presses a few buttons).Whee! Spock: Captain! He's fired the photons!! (Outside, a Romulan Warbird from the next generation materilses in the anomoly. It fires two phasers that destroy the torpedoes.) Ensign: Captain the ship has hailed us again. Kirk: On screen. (a Romulan appears on screen) Romulan (played by Mark Lenard): Who are you? Why do you attack us? Don't you relise that we can destroy five of your vessels at once? Kirk: I am Capatin James.T.Kirk of the starship, Enterprise, her five year mission, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life forms and civilizations. To boldy go where no man has gone before! Spock: I don't believe you had to go through the opening credits Captain. McCoy: Yeah it does get a bit borring at times. Romulan: Kirk? Kirk: Yes, Kirk You'v heard of me? (Romulan nods head slowly.) The attack was an accident, our naigator is something of an alcholic, as we have discovered only a few minutes ago. And since we are the hero's, we would win a battle with you. Romulan: Wanna bet? Kirk: Yeah! Romulan: Why would you win? Kirk: Because I have a couple of dates lined up for afterwards. And this writer is something of a perve. You do look a bit familar, though. Spock: (to Romulan) Father? Romulan: (Distracted by another romulan.) Youll have to excuse me one minute. Sarek I mean Mark Lenard, I mean Romulan out. (Romulan disapears and is replaced by stars.) McCoy: How rude. Sulu: Do you think it was Checkov's breath? Scotty: (over the intercom.) Cap'nain. The engines canna take it any longer. Kirk: But we're at all stop. Scotty: Exactly, they wanna keep going. Kirk: Take your self off for a medical Mr.Scott. Bones, get to sick bay. McCoy: Oh, alright. (heads off for turbo lift) grumble, groan, moan, whinge, whine, bugger. (Suddenly realises) Hey, Jim. I just remebered. It's time for your medical. (run opening credits of the next generations) (Out side another ship appears, it's the Enterprise D. It's closely followed by the Red Dwarf.) Spock: Captain, it the Enterprise D. A ship from the future, named in this ships honour. It even has the same registry number. Kirk: Lifesigns? Spock: Over a thousand life signs. Including an android, and a klingon. Sulu: Should I put them out of their misery and destroy their ship sir? Kirk: Don't be absurb. We wait untill they hail us, piss them off, set them against each other and let them start to attack each other. Spock: We are being hailed by the Red Drawf. Kirk: The what? Spock: The big red ship, behind the Enterprise D. Kirk: Any sign of intelligent life? Spock: Only the rats. Kirk: Ignore hail. I'm not talking to rats. (cut to red drawf, Lister and Rimmer in the obs room.) Rimmer: Aliens, it is aliens. See, I told you they existed, but you would never believe me. Lister: (grabs hold of Rimmers light bee and bashes it off the table) Rimmer: How dare you strike a superior officer? Lister: Rimmer, you can't be a superior officer, Rimmer. Rimmer: Why? Because I'm dead? It's because I'm dead. Honstly some people are so mindless and disrespectuful. Lister: Actully I was going to say: You can't be superior, because your you. Rimmer: Oh ha ha. Lister: Only people that can't think of a witty reply say ha ha. Rimmer: (throws his shoulders up in the air) oh ha ha. Lister: Rimmer, you are really beyond help. Rimmer: I'm a hologram, I'm dead. Of course I'm beyond help. Cat: (walks in the room) Hey, how come when ever I plug in my hairdryer in the sockets, something like this happens? Rimmer: Smeg knows, although Captain Picard will no doubt be wondering where the hell his ship is. Kryten: Well I've disconected the hairdryer and put it in a stasis chamber. (to Cat) Sir, I'd like to take this opertunity to say that you are a complete and utter SSMMMMEEE HEEEEAA. Cat: Thats what you said the last time, bud. Rimmer: Oh stop arguing. Sensors indicate that the Romulan Warbird is powering up it's weapons, and the Starship from this time line is currently scanning us. Lister: What ship is it Holl? Holly: The Enterprise. Lister: The Enterptrise is over there Holl. Holly: THE Enterprise, the original Enterprise. Lister: The original Enterprise? Holly: Yes, Dave. Lister: The original Enterprise? Holly: Yes, Dave. Lister: (to Rimmer) The original Enterprise? Rimmer: Yes Dav- Oh shut up! (checks inventory) Well if we have to put up with Kirk, I think we'd better brake out the sick bags Lister: Why? Rimmer: He's a scene stealing, womanising, self obsessed, self concerned no hoper, who's crew hates him, and who has the same sexual fantasies as all those bisexuals characters played by Sharon Stone. Cat: So, he and you should get on like a house on fire. Lister: (holding up his hands) Ok, ok. When are we going to start being mature here guys? Kryten: Your forgeting something sir. Lister: What? Rimmers dead? Cat evolved from Cats? Kryten: No sir. Guess again. Lister: I'm stumped, man, what is it? Kryten: Well, sir I don't mean to intrude but, you aren't wearing any trousers. Lister: What? (looks down his trousers are on) oh very funny. Kryten: I'm just loving this lie mode option. Rimmer: Hang on, the Enterprise is hailing us. Picard off screen: Are you reponsible for this time warp like effect? Rimmer: Well, (points to Cat) yesanditwasentirlyhisfaultsir!! Worf off screen:Permission to fire a photon torpedo at the Red Dwarf sir? Rimmer: No, pleasedon'tkillme. Killthecatbutleavemeplease. Cat: Well if novelty condom head would put in decent sockets in my quarters, (hits Kryten on the head) none of this would happen. Worf: Jeaze what a wuss. Picard: Permission denied. (Worf growls in the background) It's just that the long range scanners picked up something before we traveled through time. Rimmer: What? Klingons Worf: humph. Rimmer: Gulp. Er, more Romulans? Picard: Even worse. Lister: What then, man? Picard: The Borg. Kryten: Panic mode activated. AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! We'rallgonnadie! We'rallgonnadie! AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! Lister: oh gods. Kryten, shut up. Krten: We'reallgonnadie! Rimmer: (grabs hold of his holo remote and switches his hardlight drive on. Grabs hold of a spannner and smashes it on Krytens head) I'm the coward here, if anyones going to scream and beg for his life it's gonna be me! Kryten: Appoligies sir. (Starts to panel beat his head) Please feel free to carry on sir. Picard off screen: We can't handle the Borg by ourselves, we'll need all the help we can get. I will attempt to start communicating with the original Enterprise. Lister: We just tried, they ignored us. Picard: Well, they won't ignore me. Picard out. (cut to Enterprise D as Rimmer starts to panic in the same way as Kryten) Picard: Hail them. Worf: Hailing frequecies open. Picard: Enterprise D to Enterprise, hello Kirk. (A fat looking man who looks like he's on a diet appears.) Picard: (screws up his eyes) Kirk? Man: Affraid not. I'm his stunt double. Picard: What? Man: Captain Kirk is otherwise preoccupied with some disciplinary action with lieutenant Uhura about her skirt size. (Spock appears) Spock: I will deal with this. (stunt man walks away) Hello Captain. The captain is actully busy having his medical. Could you tell me what is going on. How do the Romulans have access to such a large ship? Picard: They are from my time line. The Romulans are more war like then ever. I think that ship could easly destroy yours. Spock: Unlikely. Picard: It out guns you twenty you one! Data off screen: twenty two point seven to one sir. Picard: Thank you Mr Data. Mr Spock, it could anhilate you. Spock: Unlikely. Captain Kirk has a date on this evening, and nothing is going to stop him getting that girl. Picard: (slaps his head.) Look, we have a problem. Some Cyborgs from our diemension are going to be following us in. It would be a good idea to get as many ships into this area to attack them. Spock: But this would be a first contact situation. We should make peace no- Picard: Shut up you pointy eared elve. These things are dangerous. Their first line to you would be we are the Borg. Resistence is futile. Spock: There is no logical reason why they would be s- Picard: They are hell bound on merging all other races to their own. They even accept Vulcan/human cross breeds. Spock: There is no need to insult me, Captain. Picard: Yes there is. When Kirk comes back, tell him to beam over. (insert advert) BBC2 presents, Deep Space Nine in no techinical proplems what so ever. O'Brian: I can't understand it sir, everythings working. Sisko: Even the replicators? O'Brian: (replecates a cup of tea) yes, amazing. But things take a turn for the worst. Q: Ah sisko. Love the hair and beard. Let me guess, came with your promotion? Sisko: Oh shit, you had to turn up. Q: DS9 dissapears and is replaced by a keidascopically coloured void. Sisko: Q! Take us back! Q:No. Not unless you have my baby. Sisko: Wrong seris, Q. Will they survive? Find out soon. (end advert) (Cut to sick bay, Kirk is seen leaving.) McCoy: (waves a tricorder over Scotty) How do you feel Scot? Scotty: Aye, haggis, hoots mabob. McCoy: (takes out a hypo spray) Ah ha. (injects Scotty) Just rest a while. Scotty: Campbells- (faints) McCoy: Nurse Chapell! (There is no sign of the nurse) McCoy: Nurse Chapel. Chapel: (arives with her hair dyed black) Oh shit, I thought this was a remake of the first pilot. McCoy: What are you blithering on about women? Chapel: I played no1 in the first episode, along side Spock. McCoy: Yes, but your a nurse, Chapel: (suddenly goes completly straight and rigid) ++INCORRECT DATA++ McCoy: Wha? Chapel: ++I AM THE SHIPS COMPUTER, NOT A NURSE++ McCoy: Uh oh. Cross series confusion syndrome.(moves accross to a intercom panel) McCoy to bridge. We have a problem. Nurse Chapel is suffering from Cross series confusion syndrome. I'm going to isolate her in sick bay. Spock: Understood. Is there a cure? McCoy: Unusualy for us, yes. And I do have the ingrediants right on board, trouble is it'l take three hours to mix it up. Spock: There had to be some set back. It's the logical conclusion. McCoy: So long as I don't contract it, and wind up being a vilian in some Goddammed western I've been in, we should be fine. Spock: Understood. Don't silence a dog by shooting it like you used to. McCoy: Why you, you green blooded, half human, pointy eare- (cut to bridge) Spock: Spock out (McCoy is still talking as he's cut off Kirk and Uhura enter the bridge) Spock: Ah, Captain. Kirk: Who? Spock: You of course. Kirk: I'm no captain, I'm T.J.Hooker Uhura: (starts to sign a night club song) Sulu: Oh shit. now we'r in for it. (shot of spock, dramatic music, spock seems to change a bit) Spock: Resistance is futile, we will make you part of us. You will live a better life as one of us. Sleep, sleep. Sulu: Sir? Spock: You will find that life with no emotions is a good life. (Sulu pulls out a phaser, Spock points a finger and starts to scream in a continus voice) Checkov: (get's up off the floor where he was left) Vhat the? Sulu: (to Spock) Ah shadaup. (fires the phaser, Spock falls over as he is stunned) Checkov: Vhat is going on? Sulu: People are staring to change. Turning into other charactors they've played in tv shows. Checkov: Ve should be safe. Oh Shit. Sulu: What? Checkov: I had a part in Babylon 5! (starts to change) Sulu: (points phaser at Cheeckoff) Traitor! Checkov: I'm a Psi12. You don't stand a chance. I can read you mind and make you do thing. Sulu: I always thought you were a size nine. Take this (shots Checkof) Sulu to sickbay, better hurry up with that vaczine, doctor. McCoy: Ah shut up, whares that dog, I wanna shot a dog (we hear a barking dog then a gun shot on the intercom. The dog whines and dies.) Sulu: Oh brilliant! What is going on? Why is Spock acting like a body snatcher? Why did Walter Koenig accept that job on Bablyon 5? Why won't William Shatner Piss off and die? For the answear to most of those questions tune in to this parody next week, same bat time, same bat web page. To be continued.
Part 2: Borged to death. All hell broke lose after Cat plugged his hair dryer into a socket in the command cenrte of Red Drawf, causing it and the Enterprise D to be catupulted back in time to meet up with the Enterprise. Also some Romulans tagged along and now the Borg are on there way. For legal reasons I can't explain why William Shatner won't piss off and die in this episode. (cut to Enterprise D. Picard is looking at the screen, Riker is smiling into space) Picard: what are you smiling about No1? Riker: Nothing. Worf: We are being hailed. Picard: on screen. (Riker takes this distraction to make himself a large mayonnaise filled sandwich, some of which dripps on to his uniform) (Sulu appears) Sulu: We'r in deep shit now Captain. Everybody else is contracting some kind of virus that makes them change into other charactors that they've palyed. The Captain thinks he's T.J.Hooker, Uhura is singing like she's in a night club, Mr Spock thinks he's a body snatcher, Checkov turned into someone from Babylon 5 and the Doctor is some bad guy from a western that's shooting people. Picard: Well, you seem to be up shit creek aren't you? Is there a cure? Sulu: The doctor was working on one, we actually have the ingrediants on board. Picard: Thats a turn up for the books. Good. Sulu: But he turned into a western cowboy, keeps shoting an imaginary dog to shut it up. Worf: Recomend we destroy the Enterprise to prevent contamination. Picard: Good grief, that would pollute the time line. No. (to Sulu) I'll get my doctor on to it. Picard out. Worf: Why do I never get to blow something up? (cut to Red Drawf, Rimmer is now looking more like his alternative from another dimension, Ace. The large crop of hair is back, the silver suit is there as well as the shades) Rimmer: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast. Lister: eh? Rimmer: It's alright Skipper, it's me Ace. I'm here and that little goit is gone. Lister: Holl, whats going on man? Holy: We seem to have picked up a diesease from the Original Enterprise, Dave. Lister: How? We haven't been on their ship. (Kirk's stunt double walks on) Man: Opps, wrong set. Lister: Oh, smeg. Open hollering frequincies to the Picard. Holly: Open. Rimmer: Dave, I'm sure you know what your talking about, but I was always sure it was hailing frequincies. Lister: Er Captain Picard, we seem to have picked up the virus from the Enterprise. Picard voice over: Double shit. Lister: Huh? Picard: Kirks stunt double just walked in here, and Data started to sing like he was in a musical. Lister: Well, we aren't in such deep shit. Rimmers the only one to be infected. Picard: (rembers a previous encounter with the Red Dwarf crew) Tripple shit. Lister: Oh don't worry, it's quite a nice guy actully. Picard: To be, or not to be, that is the question. Lister: Not you as well? Picard: No, not yet. I just felt like quoteing shakespear. (shocked) But Mr. Worf has suddenly turned into a nice guy. Wes voice over: I know, if I reverse the energy flow here and here- Picard: Shut up Wes. Why is there a force field around Worf and Data? Wes: I did it. (cut to bridge of Enterprise D) Geordie: Captain, I can't turn off the force field. Wes has put up some kind of password system. Picard: Computer, overide password to force field. Computer: I'm not a computer, I'm Nurse Chapel. Lister: (voice over) Lemme guess, quadruple shit? Picard: Quadruple shit and a side serving of crap!! Riker: (smirks and looks at Troi's cleveage) (cut back to Red Drawf) Lister: Lister out. Rimmer, er Ace? Rimmer: (Now in a navy blue bussiness jacket, grey troussers and black boots, the familar crew cut is back) Who? Lister: Who are you man? Rimmer: Allow me to introduce my self. I'm Gorden Brittas, manger of Whitby new town leisure centre. And you are? Lister: Lister, Dave Lister. Rimmer: (bows down in an exaggerated way) Exxxxcenerlent. I take it your from Liverpool? Lister: Er, yeah. (Cat comes on stage) Cat: Woa, goal post head looks even more of a fashion victim. You look like some losser that would manage a leisure centre now. (makes devil horn signs at Rimmmer) Rimmer: I am Gorden Brittas, and I certainly wouldn't allow you take your self into my leisure centre dressed like that, we have a dress code you know. I'd send you off to France to meet with Jean Paul Goatiea to discuss next seasons look. Cat: Do you think I'd work with that amateur? Come on, I have my street cred you know! Lister: Well I just hope that the rest of us don't come down with this virus. Cat: What Virus? Lister: Well if you played some one else in a rival TV show, you might wind up like them. Cat: What about singing? Lister: What about it? Cat: I released a single a few years back. Lister: Oh smeg. I hope the romulans haven't got this as well. (insert commercial break for QVC, the shopping channel.) QVC presents, Worfs Bat'leth sword thing, with razor sharp blade. Yes now you too will be able to pretend that you are a Klingon Warrior and litteraly hack off other peoples limbs or other body parts. QVC can accept no legal responsiblitly for any damaged caused to yourself or others caused with playing with this toy. Not suitable for children under six years of age due to sharpe blade. Your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments. QVC also has a limited selection of star trek dolls. Riker: Nice warp engines. (special limeted posable model.) The holographic Doctor: What's my name? (special limited edition comes equiped with MUTE and OFF buttons) Harry Kim: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we-(sound of neck being broken) (cut to enterprise) Geordie: Captain, the Romulans are also being affected by the virus. There showing typical signs of extras being affected by the virus. i.e they hate the main cast because of superior acting skills, jobs, payment, background, etc, etc. The Captain has sealed himself in the bridge and is cursing in a combination of Klingon, Vulcan and Romulan. The Romulan cre are just arguing amount themselves. Picard: Aren't they being played by the Conservative party? Geordie: Uhh yeah? Picard: That explains it then. Who's the act-or? Geordie: Mark Lenard. He played the first Romulan to appear in Star trek. He played Spocks dad, and a Klingon. Picard: Thought he died last year? Geordie: This is a parody sir, anything can happen. Picard: No 1, you have the bridge. Ill be in sick bay. Riker: (adopts a suitable pose) Aye sir. (back to Red Dwarf) Cat: So what is it? Lister: It's a virus that makes you act like someone else. Cat: So what is it? Kryten: It makes you think your someone else. Cat: So what is it? Lister: It makes you ill. Cat: Oh! Why didn't you say so? Lister: I did. Rimmer: (still acting as Gorden Britass )Eeeeexcerlent, I can tell I'm going to get on well with you lot. Cat: Whats wrong with him? Kryten: He's contracted the disease. Cat: (looks confused) He what? Lister: He's got the illness. Cat: I know that, I can see that. Do you think I'm stupid or something? Kryten: In a word, yes. (cut to Enterprise D sick bay. worf is lying on a bed, Crusher and her medical staff are fussing over him) Picard: (re Worf) How is he? Crusher: Heaverly sedated, but he still smiling. Picard: I'm worried. He wouldn't even punch Wesley for fun any more. Crusher: Jean Luc how could you? Picard: Quite easliy. Everytime Wes gets on my nerves, I let Worf beat the crap out of him. Crusher: So he didn't fall down the stairs? Picard: What? Crusher: Everytime he came home bruised, he told me he fell down the stairs. Picard: We don't have any stairs on this ship. Crusher: I know. I never realised he was lying to me. And that makes it worse. (starts crying. Data on another table wakes up and starts singing "Theres no business like show business." Picard pulls out phaser shoots him, Data shuts up and relaxes.) Why did you do that? Picard: Do what? Crusher: Kill him? Picard: It's set to stun (looks at phaser) oh shit. It was on burn. (shot of Data chest, theres a hint of his flesh melting off his chest) Shit, shit, shit, shit and a side serving of shit. Crusher: Jean luc, please. (point to sign that says, no smoking, sex, cheap gags, weapons, people who have abused Wesley or swearing. Have a nice day.) Picard: Keep me informed on their condition. Computer. (no response) Computer. Computer: Ah Jean luc, I'm suprised at those thoughts you have of me. Picard: Oh no, it Trois mum. Crusher: But its a computer. Picard: It's got the disease. Trois mum plays the computers voices, nurse Chapple and No 1 in the original series original pilot. Crusher: Say that six time fast. Picard: Picard to Troi, come down to the sick bay. (cut to bridge) Troi: Captain, I sense deception. Picard: (over intercom) Get your arse down here. Troi: Aye sir. (looks at Riker) Will, stop looking at my cleavege. Riker: (smirking and looking at trois cleavege) Ok. (continues to look at her cleavege.) Troi: (breathes out deply, resists the urge to hit Riker and leaves. Riker continues to look at her as she leaves.) (cut to sick bay Troi walks in) Troi: Yes sir? Picard: The com- Computer: Hello little one. Troi: WHAT? Computer: Don't you regonise me? Troi: Whats going on? I sense confusion, (Riker walks in and poses) ugh, perversion, unspeakable acts involving farm animals. (looks up) Oh, it's you Will. Picard: This is worse then I thought. Troi: You mean you didn't relise how perverted he was? Picard: Oh I knew about the pervert factor, I didn't know he liked farm yard animals! Computer: Just be glad your not a full telepath. I can see what he want's to do with them. Come now little one, let us away to a place of sanity. Troi: Oh shut up. (cut to original Enterprise. Kirk walks on the bridge) Spock: Captain on the bridge. Kirk:(looks around) Where? Spock: Captain you are the Captain. Kirk: Oh. Mr Worf, lock all weapons on that Romulan Veasel. Worf: I'm not on this ship sir. Kirk: Oh yeah, hang on. Aren't you a Klingon? Worf: No, I'm a ferangi. Kirk: Oh ha ha. Get on the right set will you? (Exunt Worf) Kirk: Mr Sulu, Sulu: (holding phaser in case Kirk turns in T.J.Hooker and Spock turns into a bodysnatcher again.) Aye sir? Kirk: Lock and fire all weapons at that Romulan ship. Sulu: Sir? Kirk: You heard the order mister. Now, (sits down in chair, leans forward and punches the air) FIRE! (Shot of the Enterprise firing Photons and phasers at the Warbird. Cut to Enterprise D) Geordie: Captain Picard to the bridge. Picard: Coming. (Shot of space, Borg ship comes out of the time and space hole which promptley closes. cut to bridge of Enterprise d) Picard: Shit. Geordie: The hole has closed as well. Picard: Double shit: Geordie: And the original Enterprise is shooting at the Romulans. Picard: Tripple shit. Wesley: It gets worse Sir. Beavis and Butthead re-runs are on all channels. Picard: ARRRGH! Geordie: Captain? Picard: Theres a digitiesed picture of Trois mum on this computer read out screen. Geordie: Oh great. Whats it doing? Picard: Blowing Kisses at me. Geordie: You poor bastard. Riker: (smirks) (Cut to space. Borg cube makes even the Red Dwarf look small. speaking of which) Lister: (looking out of a window) Oh smeg! Kryten: (Next to a table where his is preparing dinner with the egg whisk attachment on his groin) When is this story going to end? ( Five Borg beam on to the Red Drawf) Cat: Uhh! I woud not be seen dead in one of those suits. Rimmer: Welcome to Whitby new town leisure centre, how can I help you? Borg #1: We are the Borg. Resistance is fuitile. Rimmer: (bows low) Exxxcerlent. If you'd care to step this way. (Lister and Kryten, still with the egg whisk attachment, grab hold of a couple of Bazokoids and blow away two of the Borg. They fire again but they have no effect.) Lister: Some kind of force field. (A Borg grabs Rimmer and Cat) Borg #2: Leave the other human. He is a scouser and he stinks. Borg #3: Whats that hanging from the mechonoids groin? Kryten: It's an egg whisk. (the Borg look disgusted then teleport away.) Kryten: they got Cat and Mr Rimmer. Lister: Well that's one reason to cellibrate. Uh oh, is this going to spell the end of Leisure centre management as we know it? Or are the Borg going to become the most iritating bastards in shinning suits in history? Will Worf ever hit Wesley again? Will Riker ever give a reason for his smirking? Will Mulder every find out if there really is a lost city of Atlant- opps wrong parody. To be continued.
Part 3: A smile says a lot. The Dwarf was attacked by the Borg and Rimmer and the cat were abducted. Only Listers BO and the fact that Kryten had an egg whisk attached to his groin kept the Borg away from them. The disease has affected the Enterprise D crew and now Worf is acting like a nice guy and Data is signing. (Cut to Enterprise D where a similar scene to Red Drawfs Borg battle is accuring, there are some fires, and all the lights are out except the red alert lights) Riker: (involved in hand to hand combat with a borg) Sir we need more nameless ensigns to fight the borg to save us the bother of having to fight them oursleves. Picard: Talk some sense man. Nameless ensigns always die, what would be the point? Wesley: Help, they got me, they got me. (Everyone ignores him) Geordie: Hang on I've an idea. (fiddles with some buttons. Beavis and Butthead appears on the view screen) Beavis: Hey, Butthead. Butthead: What is it fartknocker? Beavis:(seems to have his right hand inside his trousers) I'm playing with my self. (The Borg surviors grab a few more ensigns including Wesley and beam out) Picard: Thank you god. Mr Laforge, turn that off. Geordie: Aye sir. Butthead: You fartknocr- (viewscreen turns off) Riker: (Sits down in command chair) Report. Picard: No 1, I'm still here. Riker: (releases Picard hasn't been abducted this time.) Uhh, oh sorry sir. (gets out of chair and posses) Picard: Report. Riker: Three dead Borg, five missing Ensigns, wheres Wes? Geordie: I think the Borg got him. Riker: oh well. Minor fires and the light bulbs have blown. Picard: Open a channel to the Enterprise. Geordie Sir, this is the Enterprise. (stern look from Picard) Aye sir. (Kirk appears on view screen) Kirk: Hello, I'm Captain James T Kirk of the starship enterprise. Who are you. Picard: I'm Jean luc Picard of the starship Enterprise D. Kirk: Thems fighting words. Riker: (picks out the ham sandwhich he was just stuffing into his gob and posses.) My hero. Spock: They are from the future Jim. Thats a different Enterprise. Kirk: Oh. Do you know what that giant cube is? Who were those grey men with the grey suits with the grey skin? Picard: They are the Borg, that is their ship, and they've kidnapped about five of my men. Geordie: And Wes sir. Picard: Thats not a problem. Geordie: It will be when his mother finds out about it. Picard: Shit. (to Kirk) I see everyone is acting normally again? Sulu: Dr McCoy managed to come up with the cure inbetween changing characters. Everyone is cured now. Picard: Can you beam us the vacine, we still have the same problem with our crew. Kirk: Yes, beaming it over now. Riker: (smirks) OW!!! Picard: What? Riker: They beamed it onto my foot. Lister: (burst into the conversation) Smegging hell, Jim Kirk. Kirk: The very same. Picard: What is it Lister? Lister: The Borg attacked us and kidnapped Cat and Rimmer. Picard: They have some of my men too. Kirk: Then we must rescue them. We'll form some away teams and use all of the shuttle craft to attack the borg as well as the Enterprise's. Picard: good idea. Lister: Get's my seal of approval. Kirk: Good. We attack in five minutes. Ready your away team. Riker: (posses) (Cut to Red Drawf) Lister: You and me Kryters had better get every gun we have and get on to Starbug. Holl, any external weapons on the Dwarf? Holly: Nope, but I could reroute the space scoup and make it "fire" a beam at that cube. Kryten: The Various weapons we aquired on Starbug ought to damage the Borg. Especially the garbage torpedoes. Lister: Good thinking. Kryten: If we put your socks in as well it may cause even more damage. Lister: Don't push it. ( insert comercial break) The crew of Voyager have something else to be afraid of now. Janeway: How could we have been so stupid? Chactotay: Has the writer spelt my name right? They forgot completly about it. Janeway: Hope this doesn't upset anyone. Chactotay: This is misspelt again. Torres:Why did we have to let Nelix cook TWENTY giant size deep pan pizzas? all of the gel packs have broken down now. Don't miss Star Trek Voyager on BBC 2 around 6:45 or maybe 6:40 or maybe 6:50, just depends how we feel. We may just put it on at 7:20, oh we're showing tennis this week. Sorry, no Voyager. (end commercial break) (cut to space. Red Drawf and both Enterprise's regroup. About fifty shuttles exit both the starships. Starbug 2 leaves Red Drawf. Both the Enterprises fire their phasers continusly at the borg ship causing masive damage at first but eventully it stops damageing the ship. Both Enterprises Fire spreads of eight Photon torpedoes at the Borg, causing several large holes to appear in the Borg Ship. Then the shuttles start to attack these areas while the Enterprise's fire at the Damage. Cut to transporter room of Enterprise D Picard, Riker, Data, Geordie, Worf and twelve yellow shirted ensigns are about to beam over.) Picard: Chief, energise. O'Brian: Aye sir. (O'Brian does his thing. Cut to original Enterprise. Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scot, Sulu, Checkov and a dozen nameless red shirts are on the transporter pads) Kirk: Transporter Chief Kyle beam us over. Kyle: Aye sir. (Kyle does his thing. Cut to Starbug) Lister: Fireing lasers at that part of the cube. (cut to borg cube. A couple of laser blasts take out a section of the hull.) Fire the garbage torpedoes. (cut to Borg cube again as the garbage torpedoes hit making an even bigger hole. Starbug powers through it.) Kryten: What are you doing sir? We need to be outside where our different weapons will be able to confuse the Borg. (Starbug fires more lasers and another two garbage torpedoes. The Borg ship is for some reason unable to adjust to the torpedoes.) Lister: Kryten, how come they aren't adapting to the torpedoes? Kryten: I'm putting in your dirty laundery, at a rate of one extra dirty sock per torpedoe. Lister: What I'm I supposed to wear? Kryten: I had washed five pairs and their in safe keeping sir. (Starbug shoots through another section of Borg ship and crashes into the habitat section. An Exterior shot of the Borg ship shows that the hole starbug traveled through is smoking. Cut to Habitat section on a different level. Picard and co have met up with Kirk's team. Riker is of course possing.) Picard: If we merge our efforts we can rescue our team mates, and maybe even Wes. Kirk: Why don't you like the boy? Picard: He's a pain in the ass, keeps saving the ship when it should be me. In fact he reminds me of his father, and that is what prevents me from making a move on Bev. Kirk: Why? Picard: Because I'm responsible for the death of the boys father- (a Borg walks by.) Worf: BORG! (fires phaser, Borg falls down dead Worf changes setting.) Riker: (smirks) Nice move, now they now we'r here. Worf: Then we will die an honrible, glorious death. Kirk: Why did you change settings? Data: The Borg can adapt to any kind of weapon, so we change the frequency of the phasers. Kirk: (to his men) Set phasers to kill, different settings per phasers. (he and his men do so.) picard what are you doing? Picard: (ripping the borg to pieces) i'm looking for the *insert tech speak here* that controls this Borg. (rips more of the Borg apart) Ahh here it is. Item that I don't know the name of: I don't believe it. Get up kick there ass, I command you! Picard: (to Geordie) Do you think you can scan this to find out what they have done to the prisoners? Geordie: Oh yeah, I'll just hook it up to this tricorder. (he does so) McCoy: Why did you say *insert tech speak here*? Picard: The writter forgot what the device is called and put that in there so some production guy can put in some tech babble latter. Scotty: (to a confused Kirk) Happen all a the time Cap'ain. McCoy: How come we have so few lines in this episode. Worf: Because your stories are considerd over the top, as is your acting. McCoy: Why you lavendar blooded son of a politician. Worf: You are intierly correct McCoy: I was insulting you, you pony tailed wimp! Worf:(thinks for a minute) Klingon honour demands that I now kill you. Data: Klingon honour always demands that you kill someone. Worf: Ah ha! Klingon honour now demands that I... ignore you, yeah ignore you. McCoy: Yeah right. (blasts a Borg that was behind worf) Now what does your honour demand? Worf: That I rape you in a violent method. McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a women. Data: Actullty doctor anyone can become a victim of rape, for ins-. Geordie: Captain! I found something out. The Borg have assimilated all the Nameless ensigns and redshirts they captured, and the Cat is being assimilated right now, Rimmer is next then Wes. Picard: Yegads. The order of increasing anoyance no doubt, lets move. Spock: That is the logical thing to do. (They all start to run. Cut to space battle. The Borg has shot down another shuttle whilst the others are regouping. The Enterprise's shoot more phasers, this time at different settings. The Borg ship is damaged. Cut to Enterprise D bridge. Crusher is in the Captains chair.) Crusher: Crusher to shuttles, regroup in attack pattern delta. Helm, attack pattern alpha, activate the deflector array. We'll blast them with that at full power. Helm: Sir, if we do that we'll have very little energy left to fire phasers with. Crusher: I have the whole of engineering working on it. Fire the photons. Helm: Photons had no effect. Crusher: Chief, I need you to alter the photons to damage the Borg ship somehow. O'Brian: what all a them? Crusher: No, just some of them. O'Brian: I can change about five of them before me tea break. Crusher: Do it during your tea break and you'll get a raise. Ro: Sir! Uh, Ma'am. The Romulans are joining in the attack on the Borg. Crusher; That'll give them another weapon to worry about. Ro: The Red Drawf isn't attacking. Crusher: It doesn't have any external weapons. Ro: Well that scoup thing is busidly being reconfigured. Crusher: What? Ro: It's the big thing at the front of the ship, but thats not important right now. (cut to away team. Picard and Kirk are arguing over whos in command.) Kirk; this is my time line, I'm in command here. Picard: Well I know more about these bastards then you do. Spock: (to Riker) You Captain does not seem to respect the Borg, something that captain Kirk has always done in the past. Riker: The Captain was assimilated once by the Borg, (Spock raises eyebrow) but hes alright now. Spock: Ahh. Picard: Alright, you lead your team, I'll lead mine. Kirk: Fine. Picard: Glad we agree on something. This way. Kirk: No, this way. Spock: Captain Picard is heading in the right direction sir. Kirk: Whos side are you on? Spock: Our side. It's just illogical to go the wrong way. McCoy: (looks upwards) I hate Vulcans. (three minutes later) Scotty: We've been wandaring a roond for ages Cap'nans. When are we going to find the missing men? (before Spock can give him the exact amount of time, a Borg wanders down the coridoor) Picard: It's is, or was Ensign Smith. Riker: The one that was sucked out into space in that airlock accident? Data and spock; Blown out into space. (Look at each other) Spock: Fascinating. Data: Intriging. Riker: Oh boy. Picard: That was a different Smith. McCoy: It always is. Worf: Ensign Smith. Attention. Smith of Borg: We are the Borg, attention is irrelevent. Worf: (levels phaser) Die. Smith of Borg: Death is irr- (phaser burns into his chest, he falls down dead) Riker: Good shooting Tex. Worf: Klingon honour demands that I disembowl him and then behead him. Picard: No time, this way. (they walk off down another corridoor.) (Insert commercial break.) Hello. I'm the director of the BBC. I just wanted to remind you that this is BBC 2 your watching. As every one with sense knows the BBC do not advertise things other then our own shows. We would like to inform you that--*^$%%$"-=+ (A man wearing a Bill Gates mask appears) Hi, I'm Bill Gates. I just did that for fun. (Back to enterprise D) Crusher: Did we really need that add? Ro: No, but it is kinda funny. Crusher: Only to nerds who spend way too much time on their computer. Ro: True. Crusher: Hows the photons coming along, Chief? O'Brian: (in photon launcher) I got ten for you sir. Crusher: Ok, nameless officer at tactitcle. Fire! O'Brian: Hang on let me get out of here! Crusher: Delay that order. (no reply) Hello, (turns round) Oh. (Two ensigns are lying on the tactitlcle dead) Chief, you out of there? O'Brian: aye sir. Crusher: Ro, fire those torpedoes! Ro: Ayr sir. Direct hit, major damage. I don't know what he put in them, but it worked. Crusher: What did you put in them? O'Brian: Romulan ale. That stuff's garunteed to wreck anything. Ask Kirk and co. (cut to outside Starbug) Lister: (shots two Borg who fall down dead) What did you put in these rounds Kryten? Kryten: I had put in more of your socks. The Borg just can't adapt to the various organisms living in them because they mutate all the time, and they smell like only your larger lout scouser socks can. Lister: Smeg, your kidding? Kryten: Well I gave them a helping hand with some genetic engineering. (Shoots another Borg) it boosted the smell ten fold. Lister: Which way? Kryten: This way. (Follows a corridoor and turns left. Lister follows, a few minutes later they come back to junction and turn to the right.) Picard: (bumps into Lister) Watch where you- Oh! What is that smell? Lister: Our ammo. Riker: What? Kryten: We've mixed mister Listers underware and socks with the bazokoids ammo. The Borg just can't adapt to it. Now how do we rescue the others? Geordie: The Tricorder says their in here. (points to forbidding door that is locked solid.) And it seems that the Borg are having trouble connecting the Cat to the collective. (cut to Borg room Cat is being dressed up in borg equipment, Rimmer is in his Gorden Brittas personna is also Borgified but not connected, Wesley looks scarred but isn't Borgified yet, there's about fifty Borgs.) Cat: No I'm not wearing this. Grey just ain't my colour. Borg#1: Colour prefrence is irelevent. Cat: Can't it be in gold, I like gold. Borg#2: What a pain in the ass. Borg#3: Agreed. Borg#1: Pain is irelevent. Agrement is irelevent. Borg#4: Connect him to the collective. (several Borg grab Cat and drag him to a table where cables are put in his head.) Cat: Look, uh guys. I ain't even human, I evovled into human like form. I mean I'm descendent from Cats. Borg#2 & #3: Humans are irelevent, Cats are irelevent. (There's a scream from Cat as he is connected to the collective.) Borg#4: All of that is irrelevnt. Wesley: Why didn't you say all of that one at a time instead of summing it all up like you did? Borg#4: To save time. Wesley: Ahh. Cat: (wakes up) I am Fe-line of Borg. Coolness is irrelevant. Rimmer: (changes to Ace) Smoke me a kipper, we are in shit now. (starts to kick the crap out the Borgs near him, pulls out a gun and shoots two of them before the rest adapt.) O.K. Cat come with me. Nice suit. Cat: I am Fe-line of Borg. You will be assimilated. (jumps him so quick Ace can't react to it and they fall to the floor. Ace knocks his head against the floor.) Rimmer: ugh. (loses conciseness.) Fe-line: Connect him. Borg#2: (Grabs Rimmer and connects the cable to Rimmers head.) Borg#4: (nursing a sore arm) Begin. (Rimmer changes to a grey skinned Borg) Fe-line: Connect the boy. OHMYGOD!! Have the Borg gone suicidial? What affect would Wesley's connection to the Borg do to the universe? Who will clone president Clintons brain first? Don't you have to have one first? Good point. To be continued.art 4: Error 10101110110000101. The Borg were just about tomake the biggest mistake of the collective lives. Connect Wesley!!!! (Several Borgs attach various Borg parts and items onto Wesley. The door explodes and Picard Ensigns and Kirks Red shirts charge in, phasers firing. Lister and Kryten attack with Worf and a slighty drunk Checkov who's phaser blasts wipes out an assimilation table. Rimmer gets up) Rimmer: Smoking a kipper before breakfast is - (he's drowned out by phaser fire.) Fe-line: (knocks out two ensigns and fires a laser at a Red shirt who dies.) Lister: Cat! Stop we can help you. Fe-line: I am Fe-line of borg, help is irrlvent. Your attack is irrelevent. (Picard runs up to the connected Rimmer and injects him with the cure to the cross series confusion syndrome. Rimmer is cured instantly and reverts to his normal self. The Borg begin a new attack. Worf hacks one aprt with his sword, spock nerve pinches one, checkov breaks a bottle over the head of another, McCoy sedates another, Kirk does a flying kick on two of th Borg then jumps up in the air twirls quickly as he does it, when he lands his face his dirty and his shirt is torn, Data punches a Borg so hard it flies into another Borg, both Borgs fly into a nearby wall, Riker smirks and blinds a Borg with the reflection, then posses in front of another Borg which dies from confusion, Sulu Judu throws a borg into the floor, Geordie plants a bomb on another Borg and stands well back. Kryten gets out some furniture polish and cleans up a Borg #4's face, Lister quickly sticks a Bazokoid down a borg mouth and fires. Soon half of the ensigns and red shirts are dead, and there are approximently 22 Borg left.) Spock: An accurate estimation. (Thank you.) Spock: Your welcome. (Fe-line, Rimmer, Borg#1, #2, and #3 drag Borg #4 away from Kryten, the remaining Borg attack again. Reinforcement Borg appear in the smoking remains of the doorway. Out numbered and caught in the cross fire the remaining crew members make a defiant last stand. Suddenly Lister rips off three farts in the direction of the Borg reinforcements, half of which collapse, the others simply hold their noses. suddenly Fe-line screams, as do the other Borgs near him and Rimmer.) Fe-line: (points towards Rimmer) GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD! Picard and Kirk: Wha? Lister: Kryten man, whats going on? Kryten: Sir I believe the borg are reacting in a suitable manner when they gain a meglomanic, sexiest, pain in the ass, Smeg head bastard like Rimmer. Lister: I never knew you could talk like that about someone. Kryten: Not to their faces I can't, but behind their backs, sure I can. Sulu: So whats hapening? McCoy: No idea, maybe he's too insane? Worf: (looking more carefully) Actully they are pointing at the boy. Kirk: Who? Picard and the whole of the next generation cast: WESLEY!!! (Wesley is seen near the remains of the assimilation table with a cable in his head.) Worf: Now why would the Borg reconnect Wesley after what happened to them the last time? Picard: What will his mother think? Riker: Who cares? We nearly over our page limit. Spock: There is an outside chance that we will actully use more then that. Kirk: Ok, but how do we get them out? (Picard, Lister, Kryten and Riker grab hold of Cat, Rimmer and Wesley) Picard: Transporter room, beam us up. Nameless ensign: Aye sir. Damm, transporters are out. Kirk: Scotty beam us up. Scotty: Captain I'm here. Kirk: Shit, who's in the transporter room? Scotty: Klye sir. Kirk: Mr Klye, beam us up. Klye: All the transporter rooms have blown up killing everyone in them but me. Picard and Kirk: SHIT! Lister: The Bug's over here. (they all run towards the area where the Bug is. Some of the Borg recover and kill some of the remaining ensigns and Red shirts, the rest of the cast attack back. Eventully they make it back to the Bug.) Lister: Fire the garbage torpedoes. (The Torpedoes make a new hole for the Bug to escape through. It fires the lasers at the wall to make the hole even bigger. A couple of Borg are trapped as bulkheads seal the rest of the Borg ship from the damaged area. They are blown into space) Spock: (to Data) Some one paid attention to us. Data: Amazing. Lister: Hang on, their fireing at us. (Lister and Kryten lurch as the ship is attacked in a way similar to Kirk and his crew who's Red shirts are all standing near consoles that explode killing them instantly.) Kirk: Lucky it wasn't us. Riker: Thats the 22 page. Kryten: Their fireing again. (The nameless ensigns who are all near the airlock are all killed when the airlock door somehow opens up and blows them out. Data quickly adjust his phaser to heat and seals the door to the hull as it clangs close.) Picard: Good thinking, Mr. Data. No 1, remind me to get more nameless Ensigns. Riker: (smirks) Very good sir. Picard: What are you smiling about? Riker: Nothing sir. Lister: Enterprise D has us in a tractor beam. We're going in to shuttle bay 2. (On board the Enterprise ) Uhura: Report. Red shirt: We are all going to die. Uhura: (smiles sarcasticly) Usefull report. wheres Jim? Chapel: He's on that weird shuttle, going to the enterprise D. Uhura: And the shuttle craft attacking the Borg cube? Brand: Half of them are left. Uhura: Tell them to luanch attack pattern omega 3 alpha. Brand: Attack pattern omega 3 alpha? But that means fireing every weapon they have and setting the ship on a crash course with the enemy before transporting out. Uhura: Yeah? Brand: Hardly anyone has survived. Uhura: Yeah, so? If I'm in charge I'm going go down in a blaze of glory. Brand: Just wanted you to know the risk. (outside the shuttle adjust to this plan and fire every weapon they have before transporting out. There voices are heard overlap each other.) Voices: Lock S-foils in attack postion. Hull breach. Look out- Look at the size of that thing. Hull breach, hull breach. We're all going to die. (rap music is heard) Who's playing that? At that speed do ya think we'll pull out in time? Hull breach- We're all going to die, well maybe not. Who's playing that music? (The shuttle crash and explode causing major damage to the cube structure. Cut to bridge of Enterprise D) Crusher: Fire the Photons, fire the phasers, fire the deflector array. (cut to Borg cube, fifty photons hit it causing yet more damage before the sensor array beam cuts off an entire section of cube.) Crusher: Again. Ro: We can fire the Phasers and the last twenty photons, but if we fire the array again we'll have very little power left to fly the ship with. Crusher: Do it! Ro: Aye air. (cut to Borg cube, hit by twenty photons and a few phaser beams, the array fires it beam again but doesn't cause so much damage.) Picard: (enters bridge with his crew, Kirk and his crew and the Red Dwarf posse. Riker goes up to Ro's staion and posses behind her.) Right I'll deal with this. If we fill up a space vechile full of antimatter then "throw" it at the Borg it should destroy them. Geordie: We haven't any shuttle left sir. Picard: Damm. (to Lister) Mr Lister could we pack the Starbug full of antimatter and send it to the Borg as a "gift"? Lister: Yeah, it's fucked anyway, go ahead. Picard: Geordie, make it so. Geordie: Aye sir. Riker: (looking through script) page 24 sir. Spock: This parody isn't going to end on time, Captain's. Geordie: starbug loaded and away. Picard: On view screen. (On view screen we see the Bug streak towards the Borg ship. It gets shot off course by the borg and crashes into a corner doing no damage. It's still intact.) Picard: Oh fuck. Fire a phaser. Ro: Out of Phaser energy. Picard: Fire a photon. Ro: No photons left sir. Picard: (desperatly) Fire the deflector array. Ro: No power left to the array. Picard: (to Crusher) Didn't you leave me any weapons? Crusher: Sorry, the writters should have thought of more weapons. Kirk: (flips out communicator) Kirk to Enterprise, Kirk to Enterprise. Fire a phaser at the Starbug. Uhura: The what? Kirk: The green thing on the side of the Borg cube. Uhura: It's too small a target for our computers to lock on to, sir. Kirk: What page our we on? Riker: 24 sir, nearly on 25. Kirk: Ideas gentlemen? (none of the male cast has any suggestions, Spock hides by turning around, McCoy looks aggitated, Scotty hides his right hand behind his back, Checkov hums the Jaws theme tune, Sulu looks through the script. Picard looks over his men, but before he can ask the same question Crusher butts in.) Crusher: You sexiest pig. Kirk: Wha? Crusher: Why did you only ask the men for ideas? I have plenty of ideas on how to save us. Kirk: Look sister, your wasting space on the page, we must be getting up to the 25 page by now. Crusher: you so manly. (Crusher leans towards Kirk, pout lips. Kirk does the same, Picards knucles suddenly whiten. Crusher kicks Kirk in the groin, he doubles over in pain. Sulu smiles and punches the air saying "Yes!". Scotty takes a swig out of a bottle and lets out a scottish battle cry. Ceckov mutters something about how "That scene stealing bastard had it coming." McCoy and Spock run up to Kirk.) McCoy: My God women. You coulda killed him. Picard: No, she only could of killed his sex drive. Data: Which might have just killed a man like Captain Kirk. Picard: Huh? Data: Kirk always seems to have sex at least once evert three episodes. Being unable to have sex might just make such a man take his own life and therefore his relatives consisting of many illegitimate children, could sue Dr Crusher for his death. Crusher: I only kicked him in his £$% ^&*! balls for £$%^& sake. Data: Exactly. You could have killed him. Lister: How the smeg do you prounce £$% or ^&*! or £$%^& for £$%^& sake. Picard: Yes how do you? (you don't. It's just there to protect young kids from reading naughty swear words.) Data: But they are unprouneable. Spock: And illogical. McCoy: Has anyone noticed we're on page 25 now. Riker: It sneaked up on us. Mr Worf. Kill the narrator. Worf: Aye sir. (draws phaser points at narrator) (hang on guys, killl me and the story ends unfinished.) Sulu: Wow, I got a line, I got a line- ah-hem. What do you mean it ends unfinished? (Well, who would write it?) Worf: (lowers phaser) He's right sir, killing him would be like killing ourselves. Picard: Great an intelligent thought from Worf. Well you seem to be on a roll so far, any more ideas Mr. Worf? Worf: Get the romulans to blow up the Starbug. That ought to work. Ro: comunications are out. Picard: Oh great. Checkov: Captain Picawd. I have noticed something. The nawwotor is pweventing us from swearing, we can now only say $%^& instead of the weal word. But you have gotten away with saying shit in the west of the pawody. As have I now. (entire cast exchanges glances with each other.) Kirk: (in high pitch voice) You'r point if you have any, this is the 25 page you know. Checkov: If we twactow an astewoid and send it huwtling towards the Stawbug wesul it might cause it to explode and destroy the Bowg weasul. Troi: Captain, that made very little sense to me. I sense a really bad Russian accent thats turned into a really bad Elma Fudd impresion. Picard: I thought that we had curied spech inpedimets? Crusher: We have. Scotty: Aye, but he's a Russ'an Cap'nan. Riker: (smirks) It's catching isn't it? Scotty: Naw laddie, I'm Scottish. Spock: Fascinatting. Picard: Why is that fascinating? Spock: Becasue that was my only line recently, oh we are coming up to p26 now. McCoy: Yeah, you haven't had a line since the last page you green blooded half breed. (goes on for half an hour while eveyone else ignore him.) Lister: Yeah, well I 'd like a few lines as well. Kryten what was that wrinkle Russian saying? Kryten: I'm still using my CPU to translate it from Elmar Fudd language to English. Checkov: It vas English. Kryten: That I understood, because there was only one W in his sentence. Lister: What did he say? Kryten: He said "It was English." Lister: (clenches a fist) Before that. Kryten: (suddenly petrified, goes into that stupid whinging voice he used when he became jeolous of Lister and Kochanski) Oh sorry mr Lister, I should have known what you were on about. I'm so sorry. Lister: (in a soothing voice) Calm down, now tell me what he said. Kryten: What who said? Lister: (starting to get anoyed) Checkov. Kryten: He said we should tractor a meteroirite into the way of the Bowg uh Borg. Picard and Geordie: Of course. Geordie: We have enough power to do it as well. Picard: Thank the gods for that. (cut to space. Enterprise D hooks a meteroirite and sends it towards the Borg cube, or whats left of it as they haven't recovered yet or tried to repair their ship. Cut to Borg ship interior. Borg #1-4 are there looking at Starbug.) Borg #2: What is it? Borg #1: A shuttle craft that crashed into our ship causing a masive hole to appear in our veasel, but quite conveniently plugging the hole with it's body. Borg #4: Why has our ship not healed it self yet? Borg #3: We must be connected to the ship to heal it. And there aren't enough of us to do so. Borg #2: So what are going to do to this ship? (all borg think about this for a minute. Then they look up and smile at each other.) Borg #1: Assimilate it. (They approch the ship and start to connect with it.) (cut to Enterprise D bridge) Data: Sir, the Bowg, I mean Borg are attempting to assimilate the Starbug. Picard: Will anything like an explosion take place? Data: Unlikely. The Borg are able to assimulate anything, include matter or antimatter. Lister: (looks at a his watch which has started to beep.) Yeah, what is it Holl? Holly: I've reconfigured the scoup. I can make it transmitt a beam of matter at the Bug, that should destroy the Borg ship. Lister: How did you know what we were up to? Holly: I've been monitering communications. Sulu: But no ones made any communications. (looks at Kirk whos comunicator is still on.) Captain that call will be costing you a fortune. Kirk: Ohh $%^&. (to scriptwritter) Look just use Bleeps ok? Holly: I'm about to fire the matter beam- Worf: Hey! I wanted to fire the weapon that destroyed the Borg ship. (cut to Red Dwarf's scoup. A bright beam of energy that- given the gigantic size of the scoup in relation to the original Enterprise- is quite small at first, but does get bigger. cut to Borg ship. The beam probes accross the ship causing bits of the cube to fly off into space. Eventully it come near the Bug and the four Borg. Cut to Borgs.) Borg #1: What is that bright beam of matter energy doing probing our ship? Borg #3: Doing serious damage to the remains of the hull. Borg #4: (drills a hole into Starbugs hull, a small beam of anti-matter hits him) I am sensing antimatter inside this ship. Borg #2: Is there, or is there not some kind of reaction when matter and anti-matter come together? All Borgs: Oh SHIT! (the beam hits the Bug causing cracks to appear in it's hull causing the ant-matter to escape and react with the matter in a series of small explosions that progresivly get bigger. An even bigger explosion destroys all four Borgs, Starbug, that section of the Borg ship and causes the ships structure to start to collapse. Cut to Enterprise D.) Geordie: Wow! Spock: Fascinating. Data: Intriging. McCoy: (still blathering on, insulting Spock.) Scotty: I think there still some of it left. (Sure enough there is a big lump of Borg ship left, hardly a cube, more like a really badly animated polgon based charator.) Picard: Will this parody never end? (starts to sniff) Frodo Bagins: Never mind Bilbo. I'll destroy the ring and this will all be over. Jezz you'v grown a bit. Aragorn: And I will help you. Picard: (looks at the nine oddly dressed and variously raced, members of the fellowship of the ring.) I think your in the wrong story. This is the starship Enterprise, not the house of Elrond in the Lord Of The Ring. Arogorn: Opps. Come on Frodo. Lets get out of here. (Exit Arogorn, Frodo, Gandalf and the rest of the nine walkers that formed the fellowship of the ring, via a turbo lift. It is infested with orcs but Arogorn and Borrimer see to them quickly. Riker posses.) Picard: Theres got to be somrthing we can do. Geordie: There's Checkov meteroite. Picard: (makes a face) oh alright. Ro: asteroid away. and impact. The Borg ship has been destroyed. Kirk: I didn't see a damm thing. Ro: We ran out of money for special effects. Scotty: I cannae belive this. Geordie: What? Scotty: That ye would run out of budget when ya use around one million an episode. I cannae belive tha't. Geordie: It happens at times. Lister: You still have our budget. Kirk: Thanks, but even we had more money for special effects back in the sixties then you do now. Lister: Only trying to help. Riker: Activate Emergency holographic accountant. (hologram of a man in expensive suit appears) Accontant: please state the nature of the acountancie problem. Do starfleet have holograms for everything? What next? Holographic captains? Holographic secrurity guards? (that's an idea.) Will they deal with the budget problem? Is the Pope Catholic? To be continued.
Part 5: Money, money, money. The crew had managed to rescue the partly assimlated Cat and Rimmer, oh and the Boy and were trying to devise a way to destroy the Borg ship. They just had when they ran out of budget so the activated the Emergency holographic accountant. Accontant: please state the nature of the acountancie problem. Riker: We ran out of budget. Accountant: Tough. (Riker knocks it out.) Riker: Always wanted to do that. Picard: Doesn't solve our problems. Computer, deactivate EHA. (hologram disapeares) Computer reactivate EHA. (Hologram reapears.) We need more cash. Accountant: (rubbing it's chin and looking at Riker) Jeez alright, just use the money for Red Dwarf and The Original Series and you should have enough for the budget. Kirk: Can they do that? Accountant: This is a parody, of course they can. (shot of meteroite crashing into Borg ship which blows up.) Picard: Well, thats better. Geordie: All's well that ends well. Accountant: It ain't over yet. Sulu: Why? Accountant: Theres my bill. Picard: Piss off. We aren't paying a hologram. Accountant: It's the law. Picard: Computer, deactivate EAH. (Accountant disappears muttering you'l hear from my lawyer) Checkov: Thank chwist fow that. Riker: I'd hate to hear him say "She Sells sea shells on the sea shore." Checkov: She shells sea sell on the see showe. Riker: (slaps forehead) I didn't want to hear it. Picard: How did we all meet up like this anyhow? Lister: Cat plugged his hairdryer in to the control room and caused that great big mass to appear. Uhura voice over: Captains, I've just received word that our budget has been increased and the amount of pages has been incresesd. Geordie: Why? Spock: Apparently the writter has been told to get us to deep space nine and include a battle with anyone he wants. Geordie + Scotty: Oh no. Worf: But how come chief O'Brian and I are still here? Spock: Those errors are no doubtably being taken care of. (Worf disappeares in a flash of light) Data: Reports are coming in from the main transporter room that O'Brian has gone missing. Riker: Who? Data: The Irish man that was in charge of the transporters. (Wes, Cat and Rimmer enter. They look more or less normal.) Wes: Captain, I can get the engines back on line. Picard: Piss off. Riker: (slaps Wes about a bit.) Yeah piss off. Wes: (crying runs of to turbo lift) Mommy! Sulu: Thank christ for that. Checkov: That Ves has gone? Sulu: No, that I got a line. Cat: (looks at Kirk) Ahhg. Bud you got some kind of creature on your head. Lemme get it off you. (jumps Kirk pulls off toupee) There, (tears it apart). Picard: It's like I've always said, real Captains don't need hair. Riker: (to Cat) You just defaced the head of my favourite hero, take this. (punches Cat so hard a tooth comes out) Cat: (holding mouth) My tooth, I think you broke my tooth. (punches Riker in the gut, but it bounces off) God, your so fat it's gone rock hard. (Troi snigers) Riker: (obvoiusly insulted) Worf, take this to the brig. Worf! (looks at un manned tactical) Worf? Picard: He's gone number 1. Riker: Data, take this to the brig. Data: (gets up and grabs Cat by a thumb) Aye sir. (leads a screaming Cat out of the bridge.) Lister: Was that really that necersry? Riker: He just de-toupied my personal hero. Of course it was necersary.(picks up remains of toupee. To Kirk) Sorry about that sir. Kirk: (takes the remains and looks at it sorrowfully) Thank you. I'm a hero of your? Riker: And of several others. Kirk: Can we do lunch? (Exit a dazed Kirk and a smiling Riker) Spock: Captain Pick hard. I can predict that we will have unlogical events like this to follow on our journey to the wormhole. Picard: It's Pi-card. Spock: Appoligies sir Sulu: Whats a worm hole? (everyone waits for Data to explain untill they realise that his is taking Cat to the brigg) Sulu: Well? Wes: (renters) I know, I know. Geordie; Aren't you supposed to be in the accademy? Picard: Hang on, he left the accademy. (Wesley dissapears, emtire cast lets out a great big cheer.) Geordie: I knew there was something wrong with Wes being here. Picard: Who? Geordie: Wesley. Picard: (scrathes forehead) Doesn't ring a bell. Geordie: The Boy! Picard: Oh, right. Ro: Wasn't the Enterprise destroyed in the movie? McCoy: Yeah, Startrek III the search for Spock. Ro: (gives McCoy a cold hard stare) I meant Generations. Geordie: Yeah, the warp core blew up the stardrive section and the saucer section crashed. Picard: Who was driving? Geordie:(pointing) Troi! Picard: Is your licencse up to date? Troi: (worried) I didn't get one. Picard: Well who let you in the driving seat? Troi: Commander Riker. Picard: (Slaps fore head and makes a "Doh!" noise) Scotty: So what ship is this? Picard: The enterprise D. Sulu: But how? Checkov: It can only be vone thing. (everyone looks at him) Checkov: Bad witting. McCoy: (injects Checkov with a sedative) Spock: (raises eyebrow) Why did you do that Doctor? McCoy: He was starting to get as annoying as that boy. Geordie: Shoudn't Ro be with the Maquei then? Ro: Oh shi-(dissapears). Picard: Go to commercials while we work this out. (insert commercial here) Star trek: The Simpsons Generation. (cut to bridge of uss Simpson, very much like the Voyagers bridge. Marge is the Captain, Homer is the first officer, Lisa is at engernerring, Bart is flying the ship, Maggie is at communications) Homer: Space, quite a bit of it. Maggie: (sucks a few times on her sucking type thing) Homer: WHAT? Klingons, where? Maggie: (sucks again) Homer: Oh right. Bart: Theres something out there sir. On the starboard bow. Homer: Er, right. So? Marge: on Screen. (giant doughnut appears) Homer: (camera zooms in as he drools) Ohhh, doughnut. Bart: Photon torpedoes locked on and away. Homer: (snaps out of it) Nooooo! Bart: Doughnut destroyed sir. (Homer grabs hold of Bart by the neck) Homer: why you little- Anouncer: Star trek: The Simpsons generation. (cut to mess hall. Mo is dressed to look like Neelix.) Homer: This dougnut is disgusting. Mo: That wasn't a doughnut, that was a coaster for your mug of coffee. Homer: Doh! (the phone rings, Mo answers it.) Mo: Hello? Who? Wait a minute? Is there an Offmewife here? Hands Offmewife? (the mess hall looks confused then bursts into laughter) Mo: (into phone) If I ever find out who you are. (end commercial) (cut to conference room of Enterprise E, it's crowded because the next generation cast, the orginal series cast and the Red Dwarf posse are there.) Picard: Captain log: Stardate 4578.9. Trapped in our own past we have teamed up with the original Enterprise and a Starship from another dimension that accidently brought us back in time as part of their efforts to get back to their Earth. We have encountered the borg and survived yet another encounter. However at that time the universe caught on to several errors in this parody, and has changed the Enterprise D into the Enterprise E. Everyone is still confused as to what is happening so I have called a conference. I now have to be very quiet as everyone is looking at me- Lister: Why are you talking to yourself man? Picard: I was making a log entry. Lister: Oh god. I hope yours aren't like Rimmers. Crusher: (now with bad looking blonde hair) Whats wrong with Rimmers log entries? Kryten: They snidey, dishonest, backstabbing. He blames us all the time for everything that goes wrong. Rimmer: Well you should try and actully use your brains. I can't get us out of all the trouble you get use in to. Cat: It's your fault the Borg captured us. Rimmer: How? Cat: Two Borgs materilised, you were that leisure centre guy and you asked "how can I help you?" Then they grabbed me and when we arrived on their ship you were still that Bright ass guy and started going on about your leisure centres policy against abduction! Kirk: Why weren't the others taken? Kryten: Well Mr.Listers body odour kept the borg away and I had my egg whisk attachment on my groin so they didn't dare come near me. (entire cast from star trek looks dumb founded) Lister: You'd be surprised what Kryten can turn into food, and what he uses that thing for. Riker: (tea stain on jacket) What does he use it for? Lister: Whisking anything. Especially soup, pancake mixes or tea. (Riker and Kirk who had been served all that for dinner look at each other, both look quessy, they run out the room holding their hands to their mouths) Geordie: (now with artificial eyes) Whats the matter with them? Kryten: I served them dinner. Crusher: Geordie, what happend to your eyes? Geordie: What happened to your hair? Sulu: Do I get any lines? McCoy: I'm a doctor not a conference person. Checkov: Keptin Kiwk bwought me a doggy bag back. Excuse me. (runs out the room holding his mouth) Scotty: (lying on the desk snoring peacefully) Spock: This is illogical. Tuvok: It's boring. Data: You aren't in this cross over. Tuvok: Not yet anyhow. (disappears) Data: Fascinating. (Spock raises an eyebrow) Lister: Is there any point to this when we aren't discusing things? Picard: Has anyone got something to contribute? Kryten: Why are we heading to Deep space nine? Data: The writter wishes to use it as another cross over. Kryten: I mean, is there something we can use there? Picard: I have the computer busy on a way to use the wormhole to get us to our own timelines. McCoy: What is Deep space nine? Data: Formerly it was a Cardasian mineral extraction station that was use to extract materials from Bajor. When the Cardasians retreated from Bajor, the Bajorans took it over and leased it to the federation as a usefull facility that we can use as a major port of call because the newly discovered stable wormhole. As well as a springboard for another Star trek series. Scotty :(waking up) Sorry lad, I was asleep. Could you tell me that again? Data: Aye sir, DS9, formerly it was a Cardasian mineral extraction station that was use to extract materials from Bajor. When the Cardasians retreated from Bajor, the Bajorans took it over and leased it to the federation as a usefull facility that we can use as a major port of call because the newly discovered stable wormhole. Spock: The meaning is clear, but I failed to hear the words. Could you? Data: aye sir. DS9, formerly it was a Cardasian mineral extraction station that was use to extract materials from Bajor. When the Cardasians retreated from Bajor, the Bajorans took it over and leased it to the federation as a usefull facility that we can use as a major port of call because the newly discovered stable wormhole. Sulu:(puts down a copy of the script) Wow, I get a line in this scene. Oh sorry, I wasn't listening to you as I was trying to memorise my line. Was that it? Data: aye sir. DS9, formerly it was a Cardasian mineral extraction station that was use to extract materials from Bajor. When the Cardasians retreated from Bajor, the Bajorans took it over and leased it to the federation as a usefull facility that we can use as a major port of call because the newly discovered stable wormhole. McCoy: (puts down a report) Sorry I wasn't listen. Data: Bleep blep, erorr 5464, ermac repeat loop. Aye sir.DS9, formerly it was a Cardasian mineral extraction station that was use to extract materials from Bajor. When the Cardasians retreated from Bajor, the Bajorans took it over and leased it to the federation as a usefull facility that we can use a major port of call because the newly discovered stable wormhole. Checkov: (comes in) Vhat vere you saying? Data:£%$**&((*)())£$"^ Erorr 4379890 02344.546.54.3245.. Aye sir.DS9, formerly it was a Cardasian mineral extraction station that was use to extract materials from Bajor. When the Cardasians retreated from Bajor, the Bajorans took it over and leased it to the federation as a usefull facility that we can use a major port of call because f the newly discovered stable wormhole. Picard: Why were you repeating everything? Data: (steam comes pouring from his head) Request permission to leave for repairs sir? I belive I have blown a gasket. Picard: (wafting the smoke away) Granted, go! (exit Data) Geordie: I better help. Scotty: Me too. (Exit Geordie and Scotty) Picard: So is eveyone understanding what we are to do? McCoy: one thing. Everyone else: Yes? McCoy: The Android said recently the station had become the Bajorn property, right? Everyone else: Yes? McCoy: This is nearly eighty years before your time. Before that event. Everyone else: Yes? (thinks about it) Shit! (Riker and Kirk walk in. Their uniforms are covered with remains of their last meal which they have gotten to see again recently) Riker: Whats going on? McCoy: I just pointed out that since Deep space nine is still Cardasian at this time, there won't be any wormhole. Riker: Yes there will be. McCoy: No there won't. Riker: Yes there will be. McCoy: No there won't. Riker: Yes there will be. McCoy: No there won't. Riker: It's a stable wormhole estimated (moves over to view screen and presses a few buttons) to have been created nearly eighty years ago. Or in this case last Tuesday. Spock: Fascinating. McCoy: (blood temperature starts to boil.) Picard: (cheers up) Well if thats the case we have a way out. We'll just have to avoid Teerok nor. Mccoy: What is Teerok nor? Riker: It's DS9. McCoy: It can't be both! Troi: It was known as Terrok nor when it was Cardasian, now that we are in charge it's Deep spa- McCoy: Alright, alright. (to Picard) Please, end this meating. Picard; Well, I don't see any point in keeping it running since we've solved all the problems. (next generation cast agrees with him) Meeting ajurned. (as the rest of the cast leaves McCoy hangs his head low) McCoy: (muttering) Amateurs. (cut to bridge. Geordie And Scotty are at science station3, Picard is talking to NAMELESS GUY IN A STARFLEET UNIFORM) Picard: Take our guests (indicates Red Drawf and original series crew) to their quarters. NAMELESS GUY IN A STARFLEET UNIFORM: Yes sir. If you would care to follow me sirs. (They all cram into a turbolift. Riker tags along.) Computer: This turbo lift can only take 12 people at a time. Spock: Captain kirk, perhaps you and commander Riker and Mr.Scott would care to "weight" on the bridge. Riker: I'm stuck in the door way. NAMELESS GUY IN A STARFLEET UNIFORM: Hang on sir. (takes out phaser and messes about with it. he fires at the doors edges with a blue beam.) Riker: (freed from the doors) How you'd do that? NAMELESS GUY IN A STARFLEET UNIFORM: I set the phaser to contract. Riker: (To Kirk and Scotty as turbo lift shoots off) We can take another lift over here. (they walk to the lift next to the ready room.) Picard: (address a nameless balck ensign) Nameless ethnic ensign, what our E.T.A? Nameless ethnic ensign: At current speed it will be five hours before we reach DS9. Picard: When are you due to be relieved? Nameless ethnic ensign: Two hours, sir. Picard: Who's your replacement? Nameless ethnic ensign: A nameless cute blonde ensign, sir. Picard: Increase speed to warp 9.9. Nameless ethnic ensign: Aye sir. full impulse. Picard: Why did you activate the impulse drive? Nameless ethnic ensign: It's just something to get the newsgroups pissed off. Picard: Very good. (turns to go to his ready room but sees Scotty still waiting at the turbo lift door. shaking his head he enters his ready room) Geordie you have the bridge. Geordie: Aye sir. (to himself) Now Data said he had blown a gasket, but according to his design specs he hasn't got any. What is going on? (exterior shot of the really cool looking Enterprise E. Cut to bridge.) Picard: Captains log supplemental. For the last hour and a half we have been traverling at maximum warp to Terrok Nor in an effort to use the wormhole to get us back home. (Q appears and instantly Picards face drops.) Picard: Whatever it is forget it. Was it really possible to do a Parody of this type without Q showing up? Was there ever any doubt the Conservatives would get kicked out of power? What colour is a Bumble bee? What Colour is a black bird? How many teeth does a Cat have? You see, you know all about the Birds and the Bees, but you know nothing about the pussy. To Be Continued...Part 6: Voyage of the dammed crossover. Last Week I puled a bad joke about the Birds and the Bees. Please stop sending those abusive E-mails, I apoligise to to all the women rights activists I have upset, now stop sending those E-mails. Demon are breathing down my neck about Bandwidth problems cause of the amount of E-mails I'm getting from you people. And getting bandwidth problems through E-mails, well that was a first for them as well. Uh oh the story. Borg deafeated, Enterprise D turned in to Enterprise E, set off for Terrok Nor with the Dwarf and the original Enterprise. Q appears and screws up Picards day. Q: But Jean Luc, I just want to help an old friend in trouble. Picard: Like hell you do, what is it this time? (saracasictly) Do you want to have sex with Troi? Q: No I have my eye on an older women. (Janeway appears) Janeway: What the f- Q!! Picard: Captain Janeway? Janeway: Captain Picard? You haven't got a cigerate on you have you? I'm dying for one. Picard: No, but judging by you voice I think you've had too many over the years. Well Q, for a second I thought you meant older women like Dr Pulaski. Q: I do have some taste you know. Janeway: I need some help Picard. Picard: No kidding. Where you are in the ratings you need all the help you can get. I mean my show gets more viewers in for BBC2 then you do and we've only got repeats. Janeway: Ha! You try pulling the punters in on a Sunday when your time slot is less stable then the Barzen wormhole and- er I mean my ship is 70 thousand light years away from Earth. And I'm here. Q: (puts his arms around Janeways waist) Together at last eh? Ah this is the life. No Chakotay or Tuvok or Tom Paris or Holodoc or even Harry Kim to get in the way of us. (tries to plant a kiss on her check. Janeway brings her fist down hard in his groin.) Oooafff. Picard: (with contempt) Get off my ship. Q: (whinces) Gladly.(Vanishes.) Janeway: What about me? Picard: Your not an illususion? Janeway: No I'm real. Picard: But Voyager was destroyed months ago. Janeway: No it wasn't. We were transported (continues to blather on while the adverts cut in) (Insert Commercials here) Several ads for startrek spinoffs and a few rip off merchants. (end commercial brake) (bridge) Ethnic Ensign: One hour to DS9 sir. Picard: Very well. Captain Janeway, I believe most of the important people are in the bar. Would you care to join them? Janeway: Do they have a cigerate dispensor? (Bar. Everyone is there. Scotty is having a drinking contest with half a dozen aliens and Troi and she is winning this time. Kirk, Riker and Worf are eating. Worf's food is crawling on to the others plates. Cat is posing on the bar and chatting to Chapel, Rand and Uhura. Lister is playing pool and smoking. Geordie and Data are throwing darts at a dart board with a photo of Wesley on it. Rimmer and McCoy are staring with contempt at everyone and talking about everyone behind their backs. Janeway and Picard enter. On seeing Lister smoking Janeway makes a beeline for him.) Janneway: May I borrow a couple of cigerates? Haven't had any for months. Lister: (looks like he's fallen in love) Been trying to quit? (hands her a box of Death sticks, enlightened cigerate company. Janeway looks slightly pensive about the name.) Janeway: No. I've been stuck 70 thousand light years away from the nearest tobacanist shop. Lister: (offers her a light.) Well I've been stuck 3 billion years from Earth but there were plenty of supplies on my ship. Janeway: (sucks greaderly untill it's all ash, even the filter.) God I needed that. I don't suppose you could let me have a few packets? Lister: (totaly entranced.) Sure. Riker: (to Picard.) Uhhp, isn'nt, ermp, that, chomp, chomp, grrrmp, granway? Picard: Don't speak with your mouth full No1. Riker: (empties contenst of his mouth onto Worfs palte. Worf gobbles it up.) Sorry sir. Isn't that Janeway of the Voyager? Picard: (goes into the events that have just happened and we pan accros to Geordie and Data's dart game.) Data: (throws a dart, a digitiesed ow is heard) Yes. Take this you little twerp. (throws another one) Yes. (throws another one) Oh I'm on a roll. Geordie: Quick, his mother just walked in. Change it to the Federation president. (pan back to Picard and Riker) Kirk: This Q sounds like Trelane. Riker: I read your report on that. Kirk: It's ultra classified. How can you even of heard of it let alone read it? Picard: These are more relaxed times. Besides since we discovered Q Every captain has access to the Trelane file. Kirk: I suppose you know about the Guardion of forever? Picard: Only thanks to Worf hacking in to the files. Kirk: I've always said Klingons are sneaky bastards. Worf: (growls) Picard: I thought you were on DS9? Worf: (growl turns to a confused pitch then he vanishes) (cut to Troi and Scotty's drinking match with the aliens. The last alien has just dropped dead due to alchol poisoning.) Troi: Pay up gentlemen. Scotty: Their dead lass. Troi: Your right. I sense death. (looks at aliens wrist.) You grab the wallets I'll grab the Rolex's. (Bev walks up to them) Crusher: Hows the anti drunk tablets doing? Scotty: Fine lass. Although I could take more then these aliens could even without it. Crusher: I doubt it. These guys body chemistry is practicly unique. They need alchol like we need water. Scotty: (confussed) So what de they drink to get pissed on? Troi: Tonic water. Scotty: Your bullshiting me? Troi: No. Try some. Crusher: No don't! Scotty: (downs the whole lot. passes out) Crusher: It'l disolve the tablet making you drunk. (cut to a corridor. Spock is walking down it when a flash of blue electricity surrounds him. He is replaced with Sam Becket of Quantum leap) Sam:(looks around) Oh Boy! (he wonder's down a corridoor and winds up trapped in a turbo lift) Sam: Al help! (looks in a reflected surface and sees Spocks face) AAHH! I'M THE DEVIL!!! (cut to the waiting room. Spock is looking around the barren blue room while Al is giving him suspecious looks.) Spock: (raises eyebrow.) Fascinating. (looks in mirror.) Fascinating. Al: Is that all you can say? Spock: It may be best for me to say nothing and allow you to introduce your self and explain the circumstances leading to my being here. Al: Huh? Spock: What happened to me? Al: Oh I can't tell you, top secret. Spock: As you can see, I am not human. Al: (terrified) Not another Vampire? oh Sam got really spooked when he found out he leapt into one of them. Spock: Lept? Fascinating. (strides out of the doorway Al was edging nearer to.) Al: Stop him. (a couple of security guards jump Spock. He nerve pinches them both.) Spock: It would be a good idea to allow me some access to your information regarding my being here. Al: Oh boy. (McCoy walks into the turbolift.) McCoy: Spock, did you hear something? Sam: Uhh, NO! McCoy: You feeling all right? You sound (raises eyebrow) emotional. Sam: Everyone has emotions, it's kind of hard to represe them. McCoy:(sarcastic smile, pats Sam on the arm) Spock, I think more of you human side is showing through all the time. Sam: What do you think I am? A little green man? McCoy: (laughs so hard he collapse on the floor) HA, HA, HA, AHA HA! All these years and he finaly comes out of his shell and cracks. HA, HA, HA. (gets angry) Oh you stupid green blooded Vulcan. You pick the time we need your skills the most to crack. Sam: Whats wrong with now? McCoy: WHATS WRONG WITH NOW? We going to an uncharted section of space which is under the jurristiction of another race which may just attack us, whilst in an attempt to get this ship and her crew back into their proper timeline, and then get back to our mission of- What was our mission anyway? Sam: I don't know. (cut to the imaging centre control room. Ziggy and the others are all standing around watching Al try to convince spock that he can't operate the computers.) Spock: (steps up to one computer, which is covered in ludricosly large multi coloured buttons. He begins to work on them.) Al: Waht are you doing? Spock: I am working on this pre Duotronics computer. Obviously Duotronics computers in my time were based on your control layout. I am quite familar with it. Al: Your from the future? Spock: I am half Human, half Vulcan. Interesting. A time machine that is not quite working correctly. if i had my Tricorder and equipment, I could fix it easily. Al: And bring Sam back? Power up the imaging chamber. Spock: I said if, I had my tools. I can do nothing without them. Ziggy: Then what use are you? Spock: For a start my IQ level is 5679.96574. Ziggy: (looks like her mouth is going to drop off) Prove it. Spock: (doesn't stop working) That is not logical. Ziggy: What's logic got to do with it? Spock: (still working) Vulcans base their way of life around logic. It is ilogical to bicker about it as you are doing, or to discuss it further, as it simply decress my work efficeney. (back to the turbo lift) Al: (appears out of nowhere) Sam, your in the future again. Sam: Damm. McCoy: What? Sam: Not you. McCoy: You said damm. Al: Your names Spock, your half human half vulcan, your on the starship Enterprise E although you belong on the original Enterprise. Your going to a section of space to use a worm hole to get these Enterprise E and Red Drawf suckers home. Sam: Terrific. Who's this joker? McCoy: It's me, McCoy. You lost your memory? Al: Your best friend, Lenard McCoy, surgeon on the original Enterprise. Sam: My best friend? McCoy: Thats Jim Kirk. Al: Captain of the Enterprise. Sam: How you getting all of this info so fast? McCoy: Because I've known you for the past thirty years! Al: Spock is up at Ziggy's post and is typing really fast. 12% chance to get Troi and Riker together, 9% chance your hear to get Janeway to quit smoking 14% chance your hear to meet the sliders and that Q guy again. Sam: What else does he say? Al: That theres a good chance your hear in a kind of unofficial sequel to Jason Gaston's Space: Behind and Between parody. Sam: Oh! You mean that Janeway and those sliders? Al: Yep. Sam: Isn't that a copy right infringement? Al: Yep, but it's a satrie. It's all copyright infringement on what it's a satire off. Sam: Well, so long as we don't bump into Darth Vader again. McCoy: Your talking to your self Spock. YOU! Of all people. (hypo suringe is brought out.) This is for you own good. (Hypo goes in Sams arm) Al: Oh needles make me cringe. Sam: I didn't feel a (falls down). McCoy: God I've been waiting for a chance to do that. (Cut to sick bay. McCoy and Crusher are arguing over whos patient Spock/Sam is. Picard, Janeway and Kirk are also there.) McCoy: I sedated him. He's my patient. Crusher: This is my sick bay. He's my patient. McCoy: He's from my ship. He's part of my crew, he's my responsibility. Crusher: He's on MY ship and I'm responsible for him. Picard: Agreed, Beverly will look after Mr. Spock. Kirk: Wait a minute. (at this point Rimmer walks in) Kirk:(under breath) Oh god. Crusher: What do you want? Rimmer: I just wanted to listen in to all of the medical jargon. McCoy: Well, unlike the engineers we use real medical terminology, and don't keep making things up like thermo proton accelerator, or photon/plasma injection system. Rimmer: (confusion sreads accross face. Looks at Picard) Ahh? Picard: Don't look at me. I just like the Doctor.(indicates Crusher) (Al appears in the middle of the room as Sam regains conciseness. Rimmer looks at Al in disbelief while no one else notices him.) Al: Sam. Sam: Al? McCoy: Here he goes again. Rimmer: What? McCoy: Talking to himself. Rimmer: (points to Al) He's talking to this man here. (everyone looks at where he's pointing) Al: You can see me? Rimmer: Yes. Sam: You can see Al? Rimmer: Yes. Al: Are you suffering from any kind of disease? Rimmer: (sarcasticly) Oh yes. It's quite terminal, and contagious. Al: Ye gods stay away from me. Rimmer: I'm dead you goit. I'm a hologram. Sam: That explains how he can see you. Your both holograms. Kirk: Looks like what you have is spreading. Janeway: (rembers Space: Behind and between) Oh no. Your not Sam Beckett are you? Sam: Yes. I leapt into Rembrant Brown when he was on the Voyager. Picard: The crying man? Sam: Yes, you know him? Picard: (proudly) I entertained him on the Enterprise D. Janeway: He was a pain in the ass. But Arturo was nice. Picard: You know him too? Rimmer: I think I have a CD of his greatest hits somewhere. Janeway: Max was a singer? Rimmer: I was refering to the crying man. Crusher: (glassy eyed look) Me and Deanna wanted to have his children. (everyone looks at her in shock) Picard: Normally I'd be pissed off with a remark like that, but sinces it's the crying man.... Al: (shows Rimmer the handheld) Tell them that the Sliders are going turn up after the next brake. Rimmer: (looks at handheld, then takes it off Al) What is this? Al: Hey gimme- Hey we can touch each other. Janeway: What is that you are holding Mr. Rimmer? Rimmer: I dunno. (fiddles with the buttons and Al leaps from point to point in the sick bay.) Clever. Al: Gimme that back. Janeway: Well I can vouch for this man's sanity. He's been on my ship once. Sam: A couple times of actully, but I keep quiet on my second trip. Janeway: Why? Sam: I was that Q guy. But I couldn't use his powers. {see the Q resource library web site for that and many other slighty humurous or otherwise story's} (Q appears) Q: ( to Sam and Al) Oh hello again, your the lemings aren't you? Al: Leapers. Q: Oh right. Leapers. Picard: Get off my ship. Kirk: Do you know Trelane? Q: My nephew. Quite an iritating son of a bitch isn't he? (looks at nails and scratches them accross his uniform. Then creates a black board and scratches nails down it.) All: Aaaahhh. Q: Oh well must be off. Janeway: Wait what about me? Q: wait till you get to DS9. (vanishes) Sam: DS9? Picard: I'll get Mr Data to fill you in. (Krik, McCoy and Crusher whince at this thought) (engerneering. Geordie is examing Data who has several of his access panels open) Geordie: Well, I don't get it. you haven't got any gaskets to blow. So what happened? Data: (moves his head round and around and around like he normally does when confused) Unkown. But I know I am supposed to have a gasket somewhere. Geordie: Well Dr Song never designed you to have a gasket and there isn't one on you. Data: I know where it is. Geordie: Where? Data: (holds up a gasket that is way to big to fit in him) Ha ha ha ha. Humour I love it. Geordie: Oh no, not again. Rember what happened the last time Data. Data: (in a iritating voice) Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Geordie: so what happend to cause all the smoke? Data: I phasered my foot to create a load of smoke. Geordie: (holds head and rubs temples) Stop it. turn off the emotion chip. Data: No. Geordie: What? Data: You ain't my supperior, I'm going to play in the arcades. Do you have a few quarters I can borrow? Uhh Geordie, please Geordie? Geordie: You don't need a quarter. We don't use money in this show. Data: Oh, Right. Damm. (cut to Red Drawf cargo bay. Lister is filling up a fork lift truck full of cigerates for Janeway. He's singing to himself and several rats are running away from him in shear terror because of this. Suddenly a poloymorph rises it's ugly head from around a corner then morphs into a pack of cigerates. Kryten enters the cargo bay.) Kryten: Ah sir, I was wondering where you were. Lister: I'm getting some stuff for Cathy. Kryten: Cathy? Lister: (in a sort of dream) Yeah, Cathy. Captain Janeway. Kryten: What about Kochanski? Lister: She's back in her own diemension now. You know the rules for our show. No more than five main charactors overall. Kryten: But we got rid of Rimmer, and replaced him with Kochanski. Lister: And this writer has made it so she went back to her dimension and we got smeg for brains back. (picks up the polymorph cigerate pack) You know that guy gets off on the fact that in a previous life, he was Alexander the Greats, chief eunuch. Kryten: Does he really? Lister: Yeah and, here he cums. Kryten: (thinks for a moment) Was that a joke? (Rimmer and Al are walking down the corridoor. Al is trying to get the handheld back.) Al: Give that here you stuck up piece of sh- Lister: (see's handheld) Yo Rimmer. What the smeg is that? Rimmer: (ducks a punch from Al) It's some kind of device that this invisible hologram was carrying. Kryten: What invisible hologram? Rimmer: You have to be a hologram, or Spock to see him. Lister: (suspcious) Huh huh. Look I got to find Cathy, so get out the way. (powers up the fork lift and drives it straight at Rimmer and Al. Rimmer dives out of the way while Al stands there and complains as he always does when that sort of thing happens.) Rimmer: Don't you have any respect for the dead? Lister: (gives the V's) Smeg off. Rimmer: (to Al) Why didn't you move? Al: Cause it ain't real. It's just a hologram. Rimmer: WE (indicates Al and himself with over the top hand signals) are holograms. He (points at Lister) is a mad man driving a forklift truck Al: I'm in an imaging chamber that's projecting holograms all around me that I can't touch. Somehow we can touch each other though. Kryten: (to Rimmer) Who are you talking to sir? Rimmer: An invisible time traveller, I said so before didn't I? Kryten: (patronizing tone) Right, of cause you are. Al: (sarcasticly) It would be a good idea not to tell too many people or they all think your mad. Rimmer: It's to late for that. They already know that I am. Al: Oh boy. Rimmer: Whos Cathy? (cut to shuttle bay 3. Janeway is waiting for Lister when a certain wormhole opens up and deposits the Sliders there one on top of the other.) Wade: How come everyone always lands on top of me these days? Maggie: Never mind that, what is that in my ear? No don't answer that I don't want to know. Where are we? (they see Janeway bearing down on them) Well the Sliders are here and I've forgotten which episode this was. Oh well, at least it's coming to an end, I hope. (Now if Jason Gaston was wondering what this had to do with his Space: Behind and between parody, he is proberly contacting his lawyer now.) To be continued.
Part 7: Take this pizza to sickbay. The plot thickened when the sliders arrived on the Enterprise E after Sam Beckett from Quantom leap leapt into Spock. And I'm still getting insulting E-mails about the Birds and the Bees joke. Jason Gaston sent me word of his legal action against my using his Space: Behind and between parody as back story and also suggested that I make these write ups more funny. (Janeway is bearing down on the Sliders who are still in a tangled mess on the floor with Wade at the bottom.) Janeway: You lot again. Wheres Max? Quin: Oh Hi. The Professor? Janeway: No, the candy man. Rembrant: He was murdered but we're on the trail of his killer. Janeway: (shocked) Murdered? (collapses in a heap. Shuttle bay doors open, Starbug 3 docks) Rembrant: (looks at starbug) God that is one ugly mother of a ship. Wade: Hang on we in the future again aren't we? Sliders: Yeah? Wade: And we all know how thats happened in the other parodies, don't we? Quin+Rembrant: Yeah? Maggie: No. Wade: Did you bring anything with you from the last world? Maggie: No, nothing. Except this pizza with anchovies. Rembrant: Anchovies, that is sick women. Maggie: I like them. Wade: Whats the main ingredient of Pizza? Quin: (groans) Great, we've unwittingly unleashed another cheese virus on Voyager, as well as travelled into the future again. Janeway: (quietly) This isn't Voyager, this is the Enterprise. Rembrant: Hey everyones heard of me on this ship. Quin: wonder if we'll meet that Dart Heaver guy again. Wade: Darth Vader! I could complete my force training. (at this point Lister approaches the group) Lister: Er hi, I'm Dave Lister. Cathy? You OK? Quin: we told her about the death of a mutual friend. Lister: Oh, sorry man. Were you close? Quin: He was my teacher, and a good friend, I suppose. Rembrant: Fortunately, he dropped his American express card before he died. (everybody looks at him in horror.) Rembrant: Only joking. Wade: (to Janeway) I know you and the professor were kind of, er friendly. would you like this photo of him? Janeway: Thanks. (takes photo.) WHAT IS THIS? Wade: (looks at photo) Uhh, that isn't the professor. Rembrant: (looks at photo.) Unless it was taken when he was a lot younger, and thinner, and at some sorta nudist colony. Lister: (looks at photo) Hang on. Thats the photo of Kryten, when he was turned into a human a while back. Maggie: Turned into a human? Lister: He's a mechonoid. A toilet cleaner. Quin: What is his up to? Lister: He was flipping through a hardware magazine and got an erection over a vacuum cleaner. He, er decided to live out the fantasy. But he's back to normal now. Maggie: Normal meaning? Lister: Getting very excited about cleaning thing up. It's what his series of droids were designed to do. (sliders look horrified) I know, his designer was sick. She was gilted at the alter, so she modelled the entire 4000 series on all the bad points of her fiancee. Quin: The entire series? Lister: Yeah, and he wound up getting so agitated last year that his head blew up. And all three of his spare heads as well when we tried to wire them up. Wade: So how come I have this Polaroid of him? Lister: Prop department must have fouled up. Try again. Wade: (finds the right photo) Here you go. Janeway: Thanks. (looks at photo and brakes down into sobs. Lister looks at photo.) Lister: He looks a bit like Paverottie on a bad hair day after accidentally having a thousand volts shot up his ars- (Quin and Rembrant jump lister) Quin: How dare you talk about him like that! Rembrant: Yeah, only we get to insult him like that. (cut to Bridge. Picard is snozing in his seat, Geordie is on the Internet studying the rumours about Star Trek 9. Theres also plenty of nameless ensigns standing around to make the place look busy.) Geordie: Oh shit, no. Picard: (wakes up suddenly) I don't stand for swearing on my bridge unless it's an emergency Mr LaForge. (a console blows up killing an ensign.) Ensign: Shi-arrgh! Picard: Like that. Geordie: It's about the next movie sir. Picard: What is it? Geordie: A film that they show at cinemas, but thats not important right now. Piccard: (annoyed) Get on with it. Geordie: Star Trek 9 is rumoured to have Q in it. Picard: (after a few moments of contemplation) I think.... I can handle that. Geordie: Wesley is supposed to be tagging along with him. Picard: (knuckles whiten) That I can't handle. Who's directing it? Geordie: Quentin Tarrinto. Picard: (horrified) It'll be a blood bath. Geodie: But we might lose Wesley. Picard: (cheering up) Good. Nameless conn officer: We have arrived at DS9. Picard: Enter the wormhole. And don't have too many lines, conn officer or the writer will get sore finger tips. Nameless conn officer: Aye sir. (the Sliders arrive on the bridge) Quin: (looks at the body of the Ensign) What happened to him? Geordie: A console blew up. Picard: Ahh the sliders. Nice to see the crying man, could you sign a few numbers for us? (mercifully cut to commercial brake. An ad for a few sporting competitions that no one is really interested in.) Picard: Well, this really has made my day. But let me guess, you can't slid from another section of space can you? Quin: Oh yes. But if we stay with you when you travel into the future we won't be able to slid to the next world. Picard: Well if that's the case you'll have to return to this section of space with Kirk. Quinn: Actually I was hoping for the "loan" of a shuttle craft. Picard: (anoyed) Who do you think you are? Montgomery Scott? Rembrant: I could sing again if you'l lend us one. Picard: (contemplates this) Agreed. Sing for all of us on DS9, and I'll get Sisko to lend you a Runabout. Sliders: (exchange hi five's) Yes. Picard: (smiles a smile that has suckers written on it) Now, could you explain why Arturo has had a sex change? (shot of space Enterprise and Enterprise E at Warp with the Red Dwarf in a tractor beam fly past Terrok nor in to the wormhole. When they reappear they seem to be right next to DS9 which has the Voyager docked there.) Nameless conn officer: What the? Geordie: Uhh Captain? Picard: (not noticing the viewscreen) So the professor is dead? I'm sorry to hear that. Not now Geordie. Communication officer: Captain we are being hailed by DS9. Picard: We are eighty years in the past, and on the opposite side of the wormhole. How could they be hailing us? Geordie: They right in front of us. (cut to ops centre. Sisko and half a dozen nameless officers are out cold.) Sisko: (regains conciseness) what the hell happened? Dax: Temporal anomaly. Kira: Two Starship Enterprise's, the original and the latest, and a real ugly mother of aship. Nog: Oh boy. Scriptwriter: Sorry Nog, I don't like the idea of a Ferangi in Starfleet in my parody. Your in the academy. Nog: (vanishes) Help. Sisko: This is getting annoying already. Hail them. Kira: Who should I start with? Sisko: The Enterprise E. Kira: Hailing them. Dax: Why aren't they responding? O'Brian: Your getting less patient then Worf is with hails. Dax: What? O'Brian: Back on the Enterprise, (entire Ops crew groans as O'Brian starts on yet another tail) He never gave the reciving aliens enough time to answear his hail, and (continues to blather, eventually Picard appears on screen) Picard: What are you doing in the past as well? Sisko: Q has been screwing around with the time and space continuum. He borrowed a huge orange mass and used it to transport the Voyager to my station. And then Quark tried to use the mass for creating a profit and brought us on to the wrong side of the wormhole. Picard: (eyebrow raises as soon as the huge orange mass is mentioned.) How long have you been trapped here? Sisko: The Voyager was with us for an hour, before Quark's business venture happened and we've been trapped here for ten minutes. Picard: What happened to Quark? Sisko: Odo is dealing with him. (cut to DS9 brig. Quark is in a cell all by himself, directly opposite him is a cell full of gold pressed latinum. Quark is going crazy at being so near to such a large fortunte and not getting his hands on it.) Quark: Please Odo let me out. I can't stand it any more. Odo: (smiles the way only Odo can.) You've only been in that cell for three minutes Quark. Anyone would think you can't stand the sight of money. (leaves.) Quark: (wails.) Money I can stand. Being stuck so close to such a large fortune I can't stand. Don't leave me alone. I'll go mad. Odo: (from his office) Close your eyes. Quark: (proves it is possible to wail even more pathetically then Rom.) (cut to holdeck 3. Geordie comes out the holodeck as Kirk and Sam walk by.) Kirk: Well, so long as you look like Spock, I'm going to call you SPock. You any good at science? Sam: I built my own time machine. Kirk: (unimpressed) Is that it? Geordie: Ahh Captain Kirk. I was wondering if you could give me some advice. Kirk: About? Geordie: Well I have this holodeck programme of an engineer friend of mine, and I can't get her to, (hangs head low.) you know, open up to me. Kirk: (pauses for a minute) And you want help from me? Geordie: I've read every book you've written on how to make it with women. Kirk: What all of them? Even the encyclopaedia? Geordie: All eighteen thousand volumes. (Kirk and Sam exchange glances along the lines of "what a loser".) Kirk: Well, I've nothing better to do. (enters holdeck) (five minutes latter.) Sam: (to Geordie) Well, all I can say, is if you keep that up you'll go blind. Geordie: I already am blind. Sam: You see what I mean? Geordie: I was born blind. Sam: (takes it the wrong way) Then you have one hell of a perversion problem. Geordie: You're thinking of Commander Riker. Kirk: Your an engineer right? Transfer to command, you meet more real women that way. (exit Kirk and Sam) Geordie: What about B'elanna Torres? Thats what I call a real women. (speaking of the Voyger cast.) Kim: Are we there yet? Chakotay: (very red in the face) For the last time, Harry. No! (thinks about it) I mean yes. We are here, kinda Paris: Well at least there's no chance we'll meet the Kazon here or anywhere else ever again. Kim: I need to go wee wee. Chakotay: (finnally loses it) Then go you iritating piece of shit. Tuvok: We are being hailed by the Enterprise E. Chakotay: On screen. Janeway: (voice over) Glad to see you could make it. Chakotay: (relaxes a little.) Nice to see you captain. Paris: (alarmed) Captain what happened to you? Why is there so much smoke there? Janeway: Uh? Oh? (holds up a cigarete) Finally managed to find some. (Voyager bridge crew moans slightly.) Paris: But captain those things can kill you. Janeway: But 24th century medicine can cure anything. Paris: Oh yeah? What about Harry? (a bleeper goes) Paris: Well that's the end of my shift. Gotta go. (he leaves and the turbo lift opens alowing a nameless ensign to take Paris's job.) God, it's creepy how you guys do that. Nameless ensign: Actually I just read the script. Paris: Oh. Chakotay: And where are you going? Paris: Holodeck. Chakotay: With who? Paris: (clears throught, looks nervous) B'Elanna. Chakotay: (obvisouly anoyed that Paris of all people should get to bag B'Elanna.) Alright, go. (Paris leaves.) Gods, the script writters really sneaked that romance up on us. I mean why couldn't it have been me that gets to bag B'Elaana? (entire bridge crew looks shocked at this admission) Janeway: (mortified) And what about us? Chakotay: Ahh, good point. (Kim comes back on set.) Kim: Are we there yet? Chakotay: (bites a piece out of the command chair) YES!!!!!!!!!!! Kim: Jezzes. Ok alright already. I know when to take a hint. (sit's down at ops) Janeway: Just press the pretty buttons Harry. Kim: Okey dokey. Chakotay: How can you be so nice to such a git? Janeway: He just reminds me of a little dog I knew once. Chakotay: He reminds you of a dog? (thinks for a minute) What does Harry have in common with a dog? Obediant? Loyal? Wets and craps on the floor/bed? Dim witted next to the average man? Janeway: No, non of those qualties. Chakotay: Then how does he remind you of a dog? Janeway: The type of dog I was thinking of, was the runt of the litter. Chakotay: Oh! Well he would have to be really. Kim hasn't noticed these insults since he started to play with the buttons. (cut to conference room DS9. Lister, Kryten, Rimmer and Cat staring at the women, Picard and Riker, Kirk and McCoy and Sam with Al hovering in the background reading outt possibilities, as well as Janeway and Chakotay and all of the DS9 regular crew are assembled there. Picard has just explained the whole of the adventure so far and what has been hinted as to what is to come.) Sisko: Oh shit. Not another battle sequence. Theres only so many CGI scences we can do per season. Picard: (confused) I thought we used models at ILM? Sisko: We got a better deal with a computer graphic company. Picard: (looks down fallen) Kirk: Believe me, in thirty years time, people will go on about how primetive your special effects are when compared to the modern day special effects. Lister: (sarcasticly) At least no one will be judging our acting skills, man. Kirk: And! What! Does! That! Mean!? Lister: I rest my case. Janeway: (lights a cigerate, everybody else except Lister, Al and Odo starts to cough horribly.) Sisko: Good god Women. Those things will kill you. They even knew that back in the twentith century for christ sake. McCoy: Didn't stop em from smoking them. Al: Nothing wrong woth smoking. (lights up match by striking it along Rimmers neck then lights a cigar) Rimmer: OW! It's a disgusting habit, and I really wish you'd put that cigar out. Al: It's not bothering anyone. Rimmer: It's bothering me. Sisko: Who are you talking to? Rimmer: This invisible time traveling hologram. Sisko: I don't see anyone. Rimmer: He's invisible. Sisko: Or hear anyone. Rimmer: That's because you have to be either another hologram or his time traverling associate. (indicates Sam/Spock) Dax: Ambasador Spock is a time traverler? Rimmer: No! someone else has taken over his body, and he has to wait until his next "leap" before Spock gets back. Worf: I don't like this. sounds too much like the lame idea the sliders use as a plot device. (as if on cue the Sliders arrive) Quin: (sniffs the air) Christ. I'd thought they'd have banned those things by this century. Wade: Some enlightned times, huh? Rembrant: I can't stay here. That smoke might damage my lungs and I won't be able to sing. (exit Rembrant while Quin and Wade share sarcastic thoughts about Rembrants singing abilities). Maggie: (sniffs the air) I think thats more then just a cigerate. Rimmer: (wafting away cigar smoke no one else can see or smell) What are you implying? Maggie: Back in the army I picked up a few tips on how to sniff out, (pauses in such a way that she earns Riker, Chakotay and Kirk respect for dramatic pauses) ilegal substances. Janeway: (gags and quickly puts out the cigerate) Theres no way I'm getting involved with ilegal substances. Worf: Too late. I'm aresting you on the charge of posseision of narcotics. (grabs Janeway by the neck and hoists her up on his shoulders.) Uh oh. Just what was Lister up to when he gave Janeway those joints? Why do Americans call Jelly, Gello? What do they call Jam? Why do Red Drawf have a camera man called "Rocket" and is he any relation to George Stephenson? What is Brlycream,if that is indeed how you spell it? Why does Rembrant suffer from the delusion that he can sing? When will this parody finish? I'm running out of jokes and reling on puns for gods sake. To be continued.Part 8: As the Brittish police say, "Your nicked son shine." Worf had just arrested Janeway in the conference room for smoking illegal substances, even though she didn't know that there were any in the cigerate. Now Chakotay steps into help her. Chakotay: (gets to his feet to challenge Worf) Now wait a minute. (Worf punches Chakotay out. Lister tries to help Janeway but Worf swings around at the last second and Janeway and Lister knock each other out with their heads.) Wade: (to Quin) Does this remind you of your first meeting with him? (Quin swallows hard and thinks back to "since the world is hollow I must have touched the ground.". Worf smiles evilly.) Quin: You are crasy, mister. Crasy and sick. Odo: Oi! Whos in charge of security here? Worf: (thinks about this for a minute) Damm. Sorry everyone. Old habbits die hard. (dumps Janeways unconcous body on the desk.) Odo: I'm aresting you for assault and impersinating a security officer. Worf: Uh, but I am a sec- (thinks for a second) OK was a security officer. O'Brian: Can you say "transfer"? (Odo takes Worf away). Dax: I'll wait for you to come out. (Bashir whinces slightly. Riker wonders about that line then figures it out and smirks.) Riker: (to Picard) When I tell Troi about this I might just be able to get back with her. Picard: I sometimes wonder who the biggest loser in this parody is. Riker: (stumped) Excuse me sir? Picard: It's my observation that there are three really big losers in this parody. You, Geordie and the writer. Riker: (smirks) Of course sir. (at this point Neelix walks in. He carrying something behind his back.) Picard: Then theres this guy. Neelix: Sorry I'm late but no one mentioned to me that there was a meeting going on. (Everyone who hasn't meet Neelix sums him up as a pain in the ass and groans. The barely concous Chakotay groans and blissfully slips back into unconcouness, while Quin and Wade try desperatly to edge out of the room. Neelix brings the thing from behind his back. It's a dinner tray. He opens it up to reveal some unedible Talaxian meal. What could be steam but is proberly smoke, is coming off the lid and the meal. Wade and Quin move even faster towards the door.) Al: Sam, theres a 99.99999999% propability that if you eat that your spleen explode. Neelix: I thought I'd prepare this old Talaxian meal for you all to enjoy. (Tuvok walks in at this point. He takes one look at the dish.) Tuvok: Oh my god! Run for you lives. Tha- (prombtly flattened by the hordes of Trek/Dwarf/Sliders trying to escape simply from the sight and smell of the dish. Only Riker, Sam and the unconcous bodies of Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok and lister remains.) Neleix: Would you like some? Sam: Oh boy. Riker: (smirks, stands up and walks over to Neleix, poses, takes the tray and eats the whole lot.) Delecicous. (farts) Oh, pardon me. (suddenly adopts a whole new pose that suggest he needs the toilet.) Excuse me. (exit Riker) Sam: Oh boy. (cut Sisko's office. Harry and the Holodoc are now with the group) Kim: Are we there yet? Holodoc: Oh shut up. Sisko: Is he always like this? Holodoc: He's suffering from advance Wesley Crusher syndrome. (Picard and O'Brian whince, then level their phasers at Harry) O'Brian: Let's do the humane thing. Holodoc: Wait! Picard: What is it? Holodoc: You can't just shoot a main character. Picard: (flabergasted) He's a main character? O'Brian: Standards have slipped. Kim: Are we there yet? Sisko: Why does he say that all the time? Holodoc: This is a parody. Someone has to be the anoying one that eveyone wants to kill. Sisko: Why did you bring him here? Surely there are higher ranking members of the main cast that are still concious? Holodoc: Well of course there are. Sisko: Well, whare are they? Holodoc: I can't find them. Picard: What? Holodoc: Well I know where two of the main characters are. Picard: Well bring them here. Holodoc: I don't think that would be a good idea. (standard Robert Picardo hint tone) They are on the holodeck. Picard: Chief, lock on to Voyagers active holodeck. Scan for main charactors and beam them here. O'Brian: Aye sir. Kira: Now wait a minute! (O'Brian freezes on the spot) Who is in command here? Sisko: Me. Kira: Oh, yeah. (smiles sadisticly) Well shouldn't you be ordering your man to do something, and not some balding Frenchie with an English accent? Picard: Thou art evil incarnate. Kira: (smiles the way she does when she is with Kai Whinn.) Oh yes, and a whole lot more. Sisko: Enough. Chief, get on with Captain Picard orders. O'Brian: Aye sir. (leaves) Kim: Are we there yet? Sisko: How did you put up with Wesley? Picard: Quite easily. I used to say: SHUT UP WESLEY! Kim: My names Harry, whats yours? Picard: SHUT UP HARRY!! Kim: Are we there yet? Picard: Mr Worf, do your thing. Dax: He's in the brigg. Sisko: And he follows my orders. Picard: Damm. No.1, deal with him. Sam: (enters the room) He had to go to the toilet. Riker: (intercom) Riker to Picard, do you have any toilet paper on you? Picard: No. Why? Riker: No reason. Riker out. Picard: How strange. O'Brian: (intercom) O'Brian to sisko. I've found two main charactors on Voyagers holodeck 2. Shall I beam them over now? Sisko: Go ahead Chief. (Holodoc gets up to protest) Riker: (intercom) Riker to Sisko. Sisko: Sikso here. Riker: Finally, where do you keep the toilet paper on this station? Sisko: We don't have any. Kira: The Cardasssians bastards took it all with them. Riker: How many years have you people been here? How long have you had to replace the toilet paper? Dax: Lemme see. 5 years? Sisko: Seems like only yesterday we got here. Kira: we've had our weapons upgraded a few times. Riker: Well how am I to wipe my arse? Sisko: You see those three sea shell like objects? Riker: Uh, yeah? Sisko: I'll leave it to your imagination. Riker: Lemme guees. Some Cardassian invention? Sisko: No, a bad pun based on Demolition Man. (transporter whine two figures materialise. Paris and Torres. Paris is lying on his front with his hands tied above his head while wearing only leather underpants. Torres is dressed from head to toe in leather and black tights and is holding a whip.) Paris: More! Torres: (looks around) Uh oh. Kim: Are we there yet? Paris: How many times have I told you Harry? Stay out of here when B'Elanna and I are - (looks up and sees he is in Sisko's office ) oh. Sisko: This really wasn't a good idea,was it? Holodoc: (holding head in left hand) I told you so. Dax: (eyes whip) The traditional Klingon war whip? Torres: (smiles nervously) Uh yeah? Dax: Worf And I have been looking for ages for one of those. Sisko: (blood temperature starts to boil slightly) Bashir: Excuse me everyone, I have more important matters to attend to in Quarks bar. (leaves. we hear him say "Chief" as he leaves.) Dax: What's his problem? (Everybody gives her the look.) Holodoc: Well, look at the time. Better be going. Come on Harry. I promised Neelix I would demonstrate those medical tecniques on how to rewire a brain that were devised by Dr McCoy, for his show. And I voulntered you. (Exit Holodoc and Harry) McCoy: Hey that was a refernce to "Spock's brain". That was a low blow. What have I ever done to him? (exit McCoy chasing after Holodoc and Harry) Quin: Well, this meeting isn't really getting any where, so we'll just be going. Sisko: I'll arrange quarters for you. Wade: Thank you. Maggie: (disgusted) Arse licker. Quin: You can't swear on our show like that. Maggie: Shove it. This is a parody, I can say anything I like fat boy. (exit Sliders, Quin and Maggie are throwing insults at each other along the lines of lard arse and whore.) Dax: WELL! I better go and see Worf. (Sisko find his knuckles whiten a bit as she leaves) Picard: Well I must agree with Mr.Mallory. This meeting hasn't gotten anywhere usefull at all. I'll be in my ready room reading shakespear for some kind of, of, of, of... Sisko: Influence? Picard: Influence, yes. Influence, thank you. I must say I like what you've done with your hair. (leaves) Sisko: So did I. But now every time I look in the mirror, I'm reminded of the man who KILLED my wife. Kirk: WELL, I must disagree with the Captain. (looks at B'Elanna) It has been a very enlightning meeting. What do you say, "Spock"? Sam: (also looking at B'Elanna, and drooling) Oh Boy. B'Elanna: (shocked at the thought that she just turned on Spock) (Kirk and Sam leave. Al is just staring at B'Elanna) Al: Hubba hubba. Rimmer: Well, when will the suprises end? Al: (ignores Rimmer) Hubba hubba. Kryten: (goes over to B'Elanna armed with a sewing kit) Excuse me Ma'am, but I couldn't help but notice that your costume has a bit of a rip here. (attempts to point to B'Elannas shoulder but she misunderstands him and kicks his arse.) Torres: Nobody touches me without my say so. Understand? Kryten: (bruised, battered and in full panic mode) G g g g g g g g, f f f f f f f f. (bangs his head against the floor) Yes. Rimmer: Tell me, where did he (indicates Paris) touch you with out permission? Torres: (whips Rimmer with her whip.) Shut it H face. Rimmer: (goes into his patterned Rimmer arse kising mode.) Yes MA'am. Anything you say Ma'am. (Torres gives him a look, but not the look. Rimmer and Kryten leave.) Sisko: We'll leave you to to it. Take all the time you need, and lock the doors. (Sisko and Kira leave.) Torres: It looks like our secret is out. Paris: They'd of found out sooner or later. More! Torres: (smiles and starts to use the whip on Paris) Al: (VERY glad he's invisible) Hubba hubba. (cut to Quarks. Rom is in charge and is rubbing his hands greaderly) Rom: At last I'm in charge of the bar. (a customer diverts his attention and while his back is turned several Ferangi waiters start to help themselve to that evenings profits from the till. Cut to a section of the Bar where Scotty, Checkov and Sulu are surrounded by a growing mountain of Scotch and Vodka bottles. Morn is also with them and has obviously just stopped talking) Scotty: (trying to look intrested, but instead looks sleepy) Seventeen brothers and sisters, oh my. Sulu: (yawns) Scotty: That is impresive. Had they heared of contraception? Checkov: It vas inwented in Wussia. Sulu: (yawns yet again) Morn: (shrug shoulders) Checkov: It vas inwented in Wussia. Sulu: (Yawns, drinks from the bottle) Well, it's you turn Norm. Scotty: His names Morn, not Norm. (Morn grabs hold of a bottle in a brown paper bag and drinks from it, without taking it out of the bag. Theres about forty similar botles in bags on their section of the bar. O'Brian and Bashir come up to the bar and join them. Scotty takes a full bottle of Scotch and swigs it off in one go.) O'Brian: Two Irish bears barkeep. Neelix: (serving drinks) How about you try some of my Talaxaian chicken wee-wine? O'Brian: After what your old Talaxaian home cooking did to Commander Riker? Bashir: Is it alcholic? Neelix: 300% proof. Banned in five systems, used as a weapon in thirty five other systems as warheads for photon torpedeos. Bashir: I'll take it. (Neelix pours a glass. Smoke and steam start to bellow out from both the glass and the bottle, some spills on the bar and starts a small fire. Bashir downs the liquid.) Ohmygod! (Bashir collapses) O'Brian: Julian!?! Scotty: Ha, he couln'dana take his drink. (pours himself a glass full and drinks it. He's totaly unaffected.) O'Brian: How did you do that? Scotty: Years of years of years of practice. Checkov: It was made in Russia. Sulu: (sniffs the Vodka) Hey this stuff is makin Pavel talk properly. Scotty: Then he's had enough. He's so drunk he's forget to wotsits. O'Brian: Stammer? Scotty: No. O'Brian: Stuter? Sulu: No, he's forgeting to talk like Elma Fudd. O'Brian: (stumped) Elma Fudd? Morn: Yeah, Elma Fudd. Rick Berman: Your not supposed to talk. Your fired. Morn: You can't fire me. I bring the charactor to life. Rick Berman: I'll play the part. Neelix: Ah, well first you have to take the intiation drink. (pours the Talaxaian drink out.) A whole glass full. Rick Berman: But i don't drink. O'Brian: (twigs on to what Neelix is up to) Well the rest of the cast will go strike if you not properly initiated. Rick Berman: I'l replace them. Scotty: All of us? Rick Berman: Your right, it would never work. (downs the drink.) Ohmygod! (collapses. McCoy walks into the bar) McCoy: (scans the bodies of Rickman and Bashir.) They'l live. (An young Ensign comes upto the bar) Ensign: Can I have what they had please? Neelix: (Looks at Ensign) I.D please. Ensign: (grumbles and takes it out.) Satisfied? I am 25 for gods sake. Neelix: (smiles a idiot smile) Enjoy. (Ensign walks away to a table filled with Ensigns and Red shirts from the original series.) McCoy: I sense impending doom. O'Brian: Yeah, so do I. (swigs off his Irish beer, swigs off Bashir beer and jumps behind the bar for cover. The Ensigns and Red shirts all fill their glasses and drink at the same time.) (Quarks bar. An hour later. Sisko and Kirk are surveying the damage.) Sisko: So chief how many crew members spontaniously combusted after they drank Neelix's drink? O'Brian: Twenty two of our Ensigns, sir, and eight of Captain Kirks Red shirts. Kirk: Eight? I've lost eight men to a drink? Eight! Men! To! Sisko: Uh oh, here we go again. Kirk: A! Drink! O'Brian: Calm down sir, they were nameless Red shirts. Kirk: No! These men had names, family, loved ones. Smith there had a daughter. What will happen to her lively hood now that her fathers gone? Sisko: Actually, that one was Jones. That was Smith. Kirk: DON'T YOU PEOPLE GET IT? I'VE LOST EIGHT MEN, EIGHT MEN. WHO CARES WHAT THEIR NAMES WERE OR WEREN'T, I'VE LOST EIGHT MEN. Rom: (comes up to them) And the executive producer is out of it as well. Kirk: WHAT? Genes been dead since- (Kirk continues to rant and rave as scene closes. Cut to Ops.) Kira: Mr Tuvok, do you recgonise these sensor reading at all? (a bruised Tuvok limps up to Kira) Tuvok: They are in a classic Cardasian attack patern, but these are long range scans and they are sending no transponder signal to identify themselves with. Kira: So, does that sound familar to you at all? Tuvok: only one other race I have encountered have used this kind of startergy before. Kira: And that race is? Tuvok: (hits com badge) Tuvok to Janeway. Captain We have a problem. Oh no. What could possible be about to attack DS9. Did I say attack? Ignore that. Will Sulu ever get any interesting lines? Will Kes get into the parody? How will B'Elanna and Paris cover up that incident? Will Beverly or Troi get anymore lines? Was Uhura, Checkov, Scotty and Sulu ever anything more then extras that were on the show a lot? Tune in on this web page for the continuation of the parody that is boldy going on and and on and on and on, when it should have stopped at part five. To be continued.
Part nine: Damm those Kazon. All hell broke lose in Quarks when some namelees ensigns drank some of Neelix's chicken wee-wine and blew up. Mean while Paris and B'Elanna secreat holodeck sesons were revealed to the senior officers for what they really were and Kira and Tuvok discovered something rather worrying. Tuvok: Tuvok to Janeway. Captain we have a problem. Janeway: (intercom) What is it Tuvok? (cut to infirmery. Janeway has a neck support on, Chakotay has an eye patch over his left eye, just under the Tattoo and Lister is prowling about looking for the medical alchol,) Tuvok: (intercom) Long range sensors have just picked up the impossible. Janeway: What do you mean? Tuvok: From the readings we have recieved, I'd say we are just about to meet some old "Friends". Janeway: Spit it out man. Tuvok: Are you sitting down? Janeway: I'm lying down. Tuvok: Take a deep breath. Janeway: (inhales.) Tuvok: The Kazon. (exterior shot of DS9, the Dwarf is gigantic compared to it. Both Enterprises and the Voyager are docked on the upper pillons. We hear Janeways voice echo through space. "WHAT?????!!!!!!" Everything vibrates. Cut to conference room. Picard, Geordie, Data, Kirk, Sam, Al, Sisko, O'Brian, Tuvok, Chakotay, Janeway, Torres, Paris, Holodoc, Kryten, Lister and Rimmer are all there.) Sisko: Lemme get this straight. You enemies the Kazon have somehow found their way into this dammed parody? Tuvok: Essentially that is correct. Sisko: Then what, essentially is wrong? Tuvok: Nothing. Sisko: Then why did you say "Essentially that is correct"? Tuvok: I'm a Vulcan, I'm supposed to say stuff like that. Rimmer: Hear, hear. Sisko: (to Lister) Why did you bring him with you? Lister: He is our superior officer. But that doesn't mean we listen to him or anything. Sisko: I don't blame you. Holodoc: Acctually this man suffers from a similar dieseas to Mr.Kim and The Boy, it's just not associated with intelligence. Rimmer: (turns to Holodoc and gives one of his snidey looks) Janeway: Can we get back to business? Sisko: Sorry. Holodoc: Sorry. Rimmer: Sorry. Janeway: (turns entire body to face viewscreen because of neck surport) The Kazon are obbssed with technology and often tried to capture technology from Voyager and even captured the ship once. In that incident Mage Cullahs girl friend, Seska was killed when we recaptured- Paris: (clears throught loudly) Janeway: When we- Paris: Cough, cough, cough. Janeway: You really must get that seen to. Anywhy , when we recaptured- Paris: (still pissed because he's getting no credit.) Cough cough COUGH!! Janeway: Doctor, if you would? Holodoc: Certainly. (jumps Paris and starts to give him a very painfull examination.) Paris: ARRRGH! Janeway: Seska was killed when we backfired the main phaser bank. We retook the ship and never heard of the Kazon again. Chakotay: Thank god. Janeway: However, if Mage Cullah is on one of those ships he'l want revenge. Picard: Well, since this is a parody it'll be dealt with in a ridiculus manner won't it? I think a posing contest between this Mage Cullah and Riker ought to deal with it. Janeway: A posing contest? O'Brian: Riker is the biggest poser in starfleet. Broke all the records. Kirk: (shocked) What? All the records? Data: He even created seventeen new catogries and redefined entrance criterea and examanition rules for a further fifty. Kirk: (hangs head low and sobs) and i held those records for so long. Geordie: When we were serving together on the USS Hood, he was ships posseing champion five years running. He'd only been on the ship four years. Chaktoy: I meet Riker. He is a big posser, that I can't deny. I counted him using at least twenty differet stances when he was introduced to me just when he shook my hand. But when I was tortured by Cullah, he had he men do all the work while he possed next to 2000 cutouts of Riker. (entire cast breaths in deeply, Geordie's eyes nearly pop out.) Picard: So your saying even Riker might be out-posed? Chakotay: And out smirkered. (cut to Quarks. Quark has just been released and is counting the profits for the night) Quark: 1 lousy bar of Latinum? ROM! Rom: (cowering) Yes brother? Quark: (resembling a fire breathing dragon) THE PROFITS! Rom: Uh uuh. Quark: WHERE? Rom: On Bajor. Quark: Huh? Rom: Eveyone knows the Bajoran- Quark: NOT THOSE PFOFITS YOU TWIT! (holds up latinum) THESE PROFITS! Rom: (shrugs) I don't know brother. Quark: (pulls out his disrupter. fully repaired) WHERE? Rom: Moggie! Morn: (belches) Checkov: It vas made in wussia. Quark: (suprised) How did you know? (coldy) We are closed. Morn: (points to Daboo table.) Scotty: We'r watching the entertainment, laddie. Quark: What entert- (he looks at the Daboo table and sees a pair of legs dancing on top of the table. We of course don't get to see above the knees {have to keep the standards up} but it's quite erotic to the Ferangi and Quark is standing around with his mouth open. He grabs Rom) Who is that Daboo girl? Rom: She's new. Quark: Her name? Rom: She wouldn't say, (Quarks grip increases) but she says here stage name is the "Dancing Doctor." Quark: (almost in a trance) I love hu-man red head females . Rom: Me too. (Quark increase the grip and levels disrupter at Roms forehead.) Quark: But I love Latinum more. What happened to it? (a ferangi bartender walks by, a couple of strips of latinum drop out of his pockets) Quark: YOU! Ferangi: Shit. (makes a run for it while Quark fires his weapon indiscriminatly) Quark: No one cheats me you little toad. (the Dancing doctor walks up to Quark. He drops the weapon) Dancing doctor: (leans forward provocativly) How would you like to see more of my assests? Quark: (whimpering noise) Oh yes. DD: How would you like to see my partner, the "carefree counsellor"? Quark: Oh YES! (cut to Defiant's bridge. Sisko, Dax, Kira, Odo, O'Brian are in their positions while several Ensigns are nervously sitting at their stations.) Sisko: If I am Captain in charge of a Space station and a Starship, should I say Captains log or Starship log? Kira: Emmissary's log. Sisko: (gives The Look.) Dax: Starship's log. O'Brian: Captain's log. Sisko: Constable? Odo: I've never really cared much for this humanoid obbsesion with title and describtion. Dax: Then how do you arrest a suspect without a describtion? Odo: (peved) I spy on them and arrest them. Kira: Sounds good to me. Sisko: Captains log, stardate unknown. I have decided that we really can't relie on a posing contest between Cullah and Riker, and have decided to take the Defiant out to meet the Kazon and kill them. O'Brian: Sounded good to me. Kira: Me too. Sisko: System report! O'Brian: Engernering ready. Kira: Tactical ready. Dax: Conn is ready. Ensign #1: Opps is ready. Ensign #2: This station is ready to blow up as soon as we take damage. Sisko: So everything is ready. Dax, set course to intercept and engage at warp ten. Dax: That's an impossible speed. Sisko: Didn't you see "Threeshold?" (bridge crew mutters a collective no) O'Brian: Wrong show. Sisko: Well warp 9. Major engage the cloaking device. Kira: Aye sir. (cut to promanade. McCoy and Kirk are watching the Defiant take off. It vaniashes.) Kirk: (thinks it's blown up or something.) That's the Federations idea of a Warship? McCoy: Looks like a Romulan bird of prey to me. Kirk: It's so small. McCoy: Harder to hit I suppose. Kirk: And it's so ugly. McCoy: It's no worse then the Enterprise. (Kirk punches out McCoy. cut to Defiant.) Sisko: ETA? Dax: Five minutes to intercept. Kira: Then we kick arse? Sisko: No we talk to them. Kira: Then we kick arse? Sisko: No, we threatern them. Kira: Then we kick arse? Sisko: Right. Then we kick arse. Don't you mean ase? Kira: The scriptwritter is British. Sisko: So? O'Brian: They say arse. Sisko: Oh. Dax: The Kazon have increased speed and are on an intercept course with us. Siko: Arm phasers and Quantom torpedoes. Ready the shields. What happended to the cloak? Dax: I'm showing elavated readings of nutrinoes and warp plasma and various other bits of technobabble that no one really understands. Sisko: Could that be the cause? Dax: (fires off a stream of technobabble) Sisko:Uh? Dax: No. Bad writting probably. Sisko: Oh. Ensign #1: We are being hailed. Sisko: Put it on. (Mage Cullah smirking face appears ) Cullah: Well, it seems one minute we're at home in the Delta quardrent, the next that orange swirling thing transports us here. The home of the federation. Sisko: Orange swirling thing? Uh oh. Cullah: Tell me are you members of the federation? Sisko: Yep. Cullah: (laughs) Tell me, does the federation waste time making small vessels instead of big ones like ours? Sisko: This is one tough little mother of a starship pal. Did Janeway ever fire phasers like this? (clicks his fingers, nothing happens.) Cullah: (grin increase so much it nearly takes his head off.) Is that it? No she never fired her phasers like that. She actually fired them and sometimes they did do damage to us. Sisko: Major! Kira: uh, oh right. (messes with a few buttons, the phasers fire like a chain gun on the lead ship. Cullahs grin fades when his bridge crew start getting thrown around by the explosions.) Cullah: What the? Stop that you damaging my ship. Sisko: Do you surrender? Cullah: To a human? In such a small ship? Never! Sisko: (sarcasticly) Tell me, did Janeway have any photon torpedoes? Cullah: Yeah. Sisko: Do a lot of damage? Cullah: Oh yeah. Sisko: We have Quantom torpedoes here. Major lock forward torpedoes on the lead Kazon vessel. Major: Aye sir. Sisko: Fire. (exterior shot of Defiant firing off a dozen torpedoes that hit the lead Kazon vessel. Cut to Culahs bridge.) Cullah: Report! Kazon #1: arrgh! (is killed by exploding console) Cullah: Report dammit. How bad is the damage? Kazon #2: I can't tell you. The damage report machine just blew up killing that guy. Cullah: all ships concentrate disrupter fire on that halfpint vessel. (exterior shot of the Kazons firing continusly at the Defiant. Cut to Defiant's bridge.) Sisko: Report! O'Brian: Shields holding. Ensign #1: Opps hasn't exploded, yet. Kira: Weapons charged and ready to go. Dax: Conn is responding. Sisko: Let's see. Picard manouver, now. Dax: Aye sir. (exterior shot. Defiant performs picard manouer on lead Kazon ship and of course appears to be in two places at once.) Cullah: How the hell did they do that? Kazon #3: Didn't you see that Star Trek episode where Picard got his old ship back? Cullah: No, I don't like Star Trek. If I ever saw anyone from Star Trek I'd blow their brains out. I wouldn't be seen dead on Star Trek. Kazon #3: (worried) Right you are sir. (cut to DS9 the other crews are reporting to their starships and are leaving to join the battle.) Tuvok: Do you think Voyager is going to get it's arse kicked again? Paris: If we were by our self, I'd have to say yes. But we got the Defiant out there blasting away and we got the original Enterprise here. Not to mention a Souvreign class starship armed with Quantom torpedoes. Tuvok: So we are still going to get our backsides kicked? Paris: Well, yeah. Kim: Are we there yet? Paris: Could you death grip him? Tuvok: There is no such thing as a death grip. Paris: Well nerve pinch him. Tuvok: Actually Harry could prove usefull. Paris: For what? Tuvok: If we get lost in space again, Neelix can cook him. Paris: That's... an interesting idea. Tuvok: Perhaps it would make an interesting Holonovel? (cut to Enterprise E) Picard: System report. Data: Ops ready. Geordie: Engernering ready. Nameless Ensign: Conn ready. Expendable Ensign: Communications ready. Riker: Tacticle ready. Picard: Your not in charge of that system. Riker: Well Worf isn't here and there isn't any more expendable Ensigns left to man this post. Picard: Well have your toilet proplems stopped? Riker: Err, yeah? Picard: It's just I can't very well have a tacticle officer going off to the toilet every five minutes. People will think your scared. Riker: But sir. I can't go to the toilet because we don't have any on this ship. Picard: Yes we do. Geordie: We do? Data: We do? All the ensigns: WE DO? Picard: Yes, in the bar. Bridge crew: Oh. Picard: Has any one seen Beverly and Troi? (cut to Quarks. The dancing doctor and the carefree counsellor are dancing the night away to some erotic music.) Crusher: The things we do to stay in this parody. Troi: I sense perversion. Also excitement and a strong suspicion that we are out of tissues behind the bar. (Original Enterprise. Sam is at Spocks postion and is looking lost. The Sliders are also on the bridge.) Sam: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Kirk: Take us out full warp. Checkov: Aye aye Keptein. (They all lurch forwards as the Enterprise takes off in reverse.) Checkov: Kosacks! Who left this in wevewse. Sulu: (picks himself out of the wall) You did you idiot. You were flying the ship last. Checkov: Kosacks! Kirk: Ok. "Spock" man your science station. Sulu, weapons, Scotty. How's engernering? Scotty: Right whare ah left her sair. Kirk: Shields up, arm weapons take us out. Checkov: Aye sir. (Opps centre DS9 Garak is giving orders.) Garak: Raise shields and activate the phasers banks. Prepare the photon launchers. I want the best pilots you have ready in the Runabouts in case the Kazon break through. Bajoran: Since when do we take orders from you? Garak: Since the occupation. What am I saying? Since Captain Sisko left me in charge. Bajoran: Oh yeah? Garak: (shows her a Padd with orders from Sisko on it.) Yeah! Why did Sisko leave Garak in charge? Why does Voyager always get it's arse kicked in a fight? Why is the Defiant so damm tough? Why don't they have a posing contest? what will happen to Bashir and Berman? Will Startrek Nine star Wesley Crusher and Q? Can this Parody go any further round the bend? For the answers tune in next week. To be continued.Part Ten: The neXt file. Last week I set a load of questions. Here are the answers as suppled by a mysterious man in an expensive suit whose face was obscurred by cigarete smoke. The only clue to his idenity was a packet of Marlboro cigerates. He wanted to piss of the Bajoran crew members. Cause it was made during Starfleet cutbacks on weapon systems and shields. Cos Sisko's had O'Brian work on it so much. That would be too easy and it's not due till part eleven. Bashir should wake up, Berman should die and have his body repossed by Gene Roddenberry. Let's hope not, and yes to the last question. (Enterprise E bridge) Picard: Eta? Data: Five minutes. Picard: All systems armed? Riker: Aye sir. Geordie: Damm. A gel pack just failed. Picard: Can you fix it? Geordie: Oh yeah. Plenty of time. Picard: Good at least nothing serious is going to go wrong. Riker: (leaves the bridge quickly while holding his backside.) (cut to Defiant and Kazon battle scene. The Defiant is causing major damage to the Kazon ships.) Sisko: Status? Dax: They don't stand a chance. O'Brian: They just caught us in a three way tractor beam. Sisko: How are the shields holding up? O'Brian: At 90%. Dax: Ben, they'l tear us apart if we don't get out soon. Kira: I've an idea. open a channel to the lead Kazon ship. (cut to Kazon bridge.) Kazon #3: We are being hailed. Cullah: Ahh, they must be surrendering. Put it on. Voice of Harry Kim: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Cullah: Ahh! No! That is inhuman! Turn it off. Kazon #3: They've somehow locked the station open. I can't turn it off. Cullah: Tear that ship apart. Kazon #3: But their technology- Cullah: Do it or we'll be lisitning to Harry Kim for the rest of our lives. Kazon #3:Sir. The other Kazon ships are reporting the same problem. Cullah: Release the Defiant. (Harry mercifuly shuts up.) Thank god. (The other starfleet vessels arrive at this point.) (cut to Enterprise) Sam: Uh, how do you work this thing? Kirk: Generally Spock looks through this tube like thing and had a blue light shine into his eyes. Sam: Oh? Hang on. This is telling me my next line. Kirk: So that's how he memorised his lines so well. I just had to look at those big boards over there. Sam: What boards? Kirk: On the set. This is a TV show after all. Sulu: In phaser range sir. Kirk: (sits in chair and punches through air.) FIRE! (cut to Voyager) Janeway: Mr Tuvok. Lock all weapons and fire on my mark. Tuvok: Aye Captain. Janeway: What do your sensors say Harry? Kim: How should I know? I just press the buttons for the hell of it. Chakotay: No wonder you got lost in the delta quadrant. Janeway: So did you. Chakoaty: We were abuducted. You had that idiot at Ops. Kim: Hang on. The Enterprise E is suffering from a cheese virus that is affecting their gel packs. Janeway: Cheese virus? Chakotay: Oh no. Not again. Janeway: Contact the Enterprise E. Kim: Their communications are out. Janeway: Terrific. (BANG. BOOM. BANG. KAPOW.) Tuvok: We are being attacked by the Kazon. Chakotay: You don't say. Janeway: But we aren't ready. We're trying to help the Enterprise E. Tuvok: (fires off a string of logical annalyis that sends Paris off to sleep at the helm causing the ship to lurch out of control and head on a collision course with a Kazon ship.) Janeway: Shit. Nothing is going right for me today. Tuvok shut up. Mr.Paris wake up. Wake up. Dammit, Harry stop screaming and press the Up Arrow. Kim: Arrgh- Okey dokey. (the Voyager evens out.) Janeway: Thank god you can fly the ship from Ops as well as the Conn. Kim: You can? Chakotay: Oh shut up Harry. (Cut to Enterprise.) Sam: Er Captain. We just picked up a orange swirling mass in the cargo bay. Kirk: Scotty must have had an accident with his home brewing equipment again. Scotty: Ah gave up on a that years ago. Sam: It's just deposited a rental car from the year 1997. Two life forms, hey these sensors are great. It's telling me that ones a man with a borring voice and the others a women with red hair. Kirk: Did you say an orange swirlling mass? Sam: Uh huh. (cut to cargo bay. A rental car has just been deposited there next to the shuttle craft.) Scully: Mulder where the hell are we? Mulder: looks like some kind of cargo bay on a ship. Scully: What are those? (points at shuttle crafts.) Mulder: Evidence! UFOS! Scully we just found the evidence to prove that the government is behind those- Scully: Oh shut up Mulder. I don't want to listen to that crap. Mulder: Open your eyes Scully. Theres so much hard proof here even a skeptic like you can't deny it. Scully: This is all some kind of ellaborate mock up. Those UFO's have writting in English on them for god sake. USS Enterprise-A, NCC 1701-A. Mulder, the Enterprise is one of the US Navies largest vessels. Mulder: Then these must be experimental vechiles of some sort. Come on lets get out and snoop about. (Five security guards barge in as they do so.) Guard #1: Freeze! Mulder: This isn't Area 51 is it? Guard #2: Silence! Scully: Jeezze. Look at those guns. Mulder: Ray guns? Guard #1: Phasers, set on stun. Scully: Oh yeah right. (pulls out her own gun.) Freeze your self. Guard #2: We are Starfleet security. Scully: We are the FBI. Guard #2: That organistion hasn't been in service since the 21st century. Scully: Oh get real. This is the 20th century. Guard #3: You just came through a temperal anomaly and wound up in the 23rd centuary. Mulder: Scully I believe them. Scully: You would, wouldn't you? Guard #1: This is your last warning. Now drop the gun. (Scully shoots Guard #1) Guard #2: She shot him. She shot Guard #1. Guard #3: Watch out. (Scully goes crasy and fires a barrage of bullets hitting Guards #4+5. Guard #2 stuns Scully.) Mulder: Was that a ray? That is a ray. A ray gun. Hey Scully, you got hit by a ray gun. What do you say now, huh? Huh? Guard #3: Freeze! Mulder: Is she dead? Guard #2: No I stunned her. Mulder: Oh. Thats OK then. This is the future uhh? Guard #2: The 23rd centuary. Guard #1: Uhh, she winged me the bitch. Guard #3: The others are dead. Guard #1: The Captain ain't gonna like this. You know how he acts when he loses a crew member. Even the ones without names. Guard #2: Like us? Guard #3: Shut it. Let's get her and him (points phaser at Scully and Guard #1) to sick bay. And him (points it at Mulder) to the brigg. Mulder: Will I be interviewed? Will there be some kind of sick sexual experiments performed on Scully again? She's an abductee you know. Guard #2: For christ sake, just shut up you borring bastard. Mulder: (continues to blather statistics about UFO abductions.) (Cut to Enterprise E) Picard: Flog weapons. Data: I believe you mean lock weapons. Piacard: What did I say? Data: Flog weapons. Geordie: Flog? Data: Accessing. (the crew groans and gives Geordie the look) Data: Ahh! English term used to describe the sale of goods sometime stolen or damaged goods. As in "Floggin a dead horse." Mainly used in the Londen area but also used in the north of England, and sometimes in Naval Vessels of pre 20th centuary origin where it-. Picard: Shut up Data. Data: You only say that to Wesley sir. Picard: Oh! Well sorry. Lock weapons and fire! (nothing happens) Picard: No 1? (Riker appears from the turbo lift) Riker: Sorry sir, problem acted up again. Picard: I asked if you were sure you were over this problem. Riker: Sorry sir. But the que to the ladies was in the way of the mens. Picard: Oh good grief. Lock all weapons and fire. Riker: Weapons aren't responding sir. Picard: Geordie what is going on? Geordie: Another gel pack failure. I'm on it. Ensign: Communications are out as well. Picard: Shields up. Data: Shields are down as well sir. Picard: If I had hair I'd be tearing it out. What else could possible go wrong? (The ship starts to sake violently as it's attacked by the Kazon.) Picard: Oh brilliant. Geordie, hurry. (cut to Voyager) Janeway: (shoving Paris sleeping body) Mr Paris, wake up, Tuvok has shut up now. Paris: (snores) Five more minutes mom. Janeway: My god. Does any one have any ideas on how to wake someone up? Kim: Hold his nose? Paris: (sneezes.) Janeway: I'll pass on that idea. Chakotay. Chakotay: I'm not touching his nose. Janeway: I meant ideas for waking him up. Chakotay: (thinks for a minute.) This is an old native American trick. (leans close to Paris's ear.) B'Elanna is waiting for you. Janeway: That was pathetic. Chakotay: I wasn't paying enough attention to my father when he taught me it. Janeway: You don't seem to have paid much attention to anything he tried to teach you. Tuvok: There is an old vulcan technique. Janeway: involving telepathy? I thought we agreed after that incident with Mr Sutter. No more mind melds. Tuvok: Actully it is similar to the Vulcan nerve pinch. Kim: The what? Tuvok: Shut up. Chakotay: Actully what is the Vulcan nerve pinch? Tuvok: Eveybody knows what a Vulcan nerve pinch is. Janeway: No everybody does not know what a Vulcan nerve pinch is. What is a vulcan nerve pinch? Tuvok: (sighs and mutters something. The only audible word is morons) The death grip. (entire bridge crew acts relieved and mutters "oh!") Janeway: How can that bring him around? Tuvok: It is similar to the nerve pinch. It brings people around. (ship is hit by disrupter fire.) Chakotay: Captain I really don't think we have the time to discuss this. Can't we just have Harry or I fly the ship? Janeway: Agreed. Chakotay take the helm. Paris: (snores as he lands on the floor.) (ship is hit again.) Janeway: Has the Enterprise E started to attack yet? Kim: Sensors indicate that they are still being plagued by the cheese virus. Janeway: Janeway to Torres. Beam over to the Enterprise E and help them with the cheese virus they have. Torres: The sheilds- Janeway: Don't worry about that. Get your arse over there. Paris: (under his breath) B'Ellanna, schwing. (cut to Enterprise sick bay) Kirk: So this women killed two of my men and injurred a third? Guard #3: And her partner is in the brigg. They were armed with these pistols, and theres a new addition to the cargo bay. Kirk: What exactly? Guard #2: A rental car. Kirk: No harm in that. Guard #3: A Ford Puma. It's not even a hover car or an electric car. Kirk: You mean it runs on petrol? McCoy: (approches Kirk.) Well. Guard #1 is alright. He'll be a bit sore for a few days, but thats alright cause he'll probably die later in the parody. Kirk: What about the women? McCoy: She's the hottest bit of property I've ever seen. Kirk: Hang on. you just read my line from further on in the script. MCoy: Sorry Jim. She's in great shape, except for a few alien probes that I found in various parts of her body. Kirk: How'd they get there? McCoy: It seems she was a character in some weird TV show and she was abducted by aliens for a few days. Kirk: Like Dark Skies? Guard #2: Or Space: Above and Beyond? (they all make their fingers form holly crosses.) Kirk: Don't say that. Guard #2: Sorry sir. Kirk: Get the Sliders in here. Their from the 20th centuary, they should be able to ID them, or their show at least. McCoy: I'll say one thing about those aliens. Obviously these aliens have very good taste in women. Kirk: Thats another one of my lines. (cut to Enterprise E) Picard: Geordie I need that gel pack fixed. Geordie: I'm working on it. (Torres beams onto the bridge) Torres: I can fix it for you. Geordie: (looks her up and down) I'm open to ideas. Picard: How did you get on my ship? Data: Our shields are down sir. Picard: Damm. How can you help us? Geordie: Captain, can't we just bring Wesley back? He's be able to figure out a cure in five minutes Picard: Wesley? Who? Geordie: The Boy! Picard: (horrified) Abousoulty not. How can you help us? Torres: The gel packs on Voyager have failed because of a cheese virus that was unleashed on the ship. Our sensors indicated that you had the same virus. Picard: If Voyager is sufering from the same problem, shouldn't you be helping to fix your ship? Torres: No, we've had a cheese virus on the ship before, but we know how to fix it. (ship is struck by disrupter fire. The nameless ensigns are all mutalated while debrey magically travels through the main casts) Picard: And how do you intend to cure it? Dress up in leather and use a whip? Torres: (anoyed) Fire up the warp engines and increase the temperature of the ship. That will kill the virus. (ship is hit again, everybody lurches.) Picard: Geordie- Geordie: I'm on it. Torres: I'll help. (Geordie and Torres exit in a turbo lift.) Picard: Oh well. what do we do now? (the ship is hit again.) Picard: oh right. Is it me or is it getting hotter in here? Riker: Thats the corpes that are on fire sir. Picard: But, people aren't supposed to die on my ship. Riker: What about Tasha? And those security guards killed by those Klingons? And the engerneer that was killed by the life form that possed you? And- Picard: No 1? Riker: Sir? Picard: Shut it. (The Brigg. Mulder is in a cell and is talking to the guard.) Mulder: And then I said to the Cancerman- hey are you awake? Guard #6: ZZZZZZ. (Kirk walks in with Quin and Sam.) Quin: Hi Mulder. Mulder: Oh dammit. Just another parody. Non of this is going to have any effect on the series. Quin: This must be the sequel to all those Sliders X-Files parodies. Sam: No. This scriptwritter is just using them as back story. Quin: So the profesor might still be alive in the next parody? Sam: If he was alive in the last parody, sure why not? Quin: Will I rember what happened in this parody? Sam: Proberly not. Kirk: Am I going to be allowed a word in edgeways? Sam: Proberly not. Mulder: Where am I? Kirk: The starship Enterprise. You rental car is in our cargo bay, and your partner is in our sick bay. what happened to this security guard? Mulder: I was just talking to him about some of the cases I've been on, (Kirk stiffles a yawn) and he fell asleep. Quin: Yeah, your voice has that kind of effect on people. Mulder: (steps forwards to hit Quin and is fryed by the force field.) Yeeeeeeeeoooow. Kirk: Deactivate the force field. Did you hear me? oh your asleep. WAKE UP! Guard #6: Yes sir. Waking up sir. Kirk: Deactivate the force field before he fries. Guard #6: (messes about with the console) Aye sir. Mulder: Yeowch. That woke me up. Kirk: (in a bored voice.) Your surrounded by a force field. Mulder: Oh. Well. Are you in any way responsible for bring us here? Kirk: Only by means of plot lines. Mulder Quin +Sam: Huhh? Kirk: Sorry. My copy of the script was a bit messed up on that line. Thats the best I could make out. Mulder: My copy was pretty bad as well. Sam: Mine just seems to have me in the background saying "oh boy." Kirk: Oh well. Maybe you can rember how you got here? Sam: well I stepped into the- Kirk: Not you. (points at Mulder) Him. Sam: Oh. Mulder: Scully and I were chasing the Cancerman in our Ford Puma. Quin: Ford Puma? Mulder: It's a new car. looks like an enlogated version of the Ka. Kirk: Car? Mulder: No Ka. K.A. Ka. Kirk: Oh. Sam: Get into the Ka? Quin: One of the worlds we visited had a series of Cars called Pumas that were defective. Sam: How? Quin: If another car collided with them when the left indicator was flashing, boom. (makes explosion signs with is hands.) Sam: Ouch. Mulder: Damm. Skinner hired that car for us. I knew I shoudn't have yelled at him like that. Kirk: Skinner? Quin: His boss. Kirk: You yelled at you boss? Mulder: That's nothing I beat the crap out of him in front of twenty witness and kept my job. Kirk: We're getting sidetracked. What were you doing with this (looks constipated) Cancerman? Mulder: We were following him when our engine cut out and this orange swirlling light appeared in front of us. Kirk: (unimpressed) Orange swirling light? Mulder: Yep, an orange swirlin- Kirk: Oh alright. You don't have to repeat everything I say. (to Quin) Did an orange swirling light bring you lot here? Quin: No. Kirk: No? Mulder: Stop repeating everything. Kirk: (gives Mulder the look) Quin: We travel about from diemension to diemension with our timer. Mulder: I thought it kept you in the same time period? Quin: Someone brought along a Pizza and the cheese got caught in a state of temporal flux that caused us to travel to the future, again. Kirk: Don't give me that scientific double talk. I want an explantion in English. Mulder: He gave you one in english. Kirk: (gives the look again.) Quin: The timer was upset by the cheese. We thought we were on Voyager again, but we were on the Enterprise E. Mulder: Can I get out of here now, or do you lock people up who haven't done anything? Kirk: Ok, you can roam about the ship. Feel free to have access to the log recordings of the female security shower tapes. (hands over a disc) God knows I make use of it. Mulder: thanks. Why, oh why, oh why, does this parody keep going on and on? Will part eleven be the last episode? Will the Red Dwarf crew ever get any more lines? Will Kes get any lines in this? Will someone please kill Harry Kim? Will B'Ellanna fix the Enterprise E? Will Scully ever believe she's on a starship? Will Mulder copy the security log for his own personel use? To be continued.Part eleven: what a posser. I'm not going to bother writting up a reminder. No i'm not, you can't make me write one. Stop staring at me. Stop it I say. Oh alright. Sisko attacked the Kazon and the other ships decided to join in and look like heroes. Scully and Mulder appeared and got into a gun fight with nameless security guards. Enterprise E suffered a cheese virus attack. There, happy now? (The battle between the Starfleet vesels and the Kazorns are staring to heat up. The Enterprise is blasting parts off one Kazon ship while the Voyager is evading the shots from another Kazon ship with some really cool manovers. The Defiant is firing it's Quantoms at the lead Kazon ship and is really pissing off Mage Cullah. Suddenly everybody, including the Kazons appear in a flash of light on the promanade. the passerbys act as if nothing has happened) Picard: Where the hell are we? Q: DS9. Picard: Q! Q: Yes that's right. Sisko: What are you doing Q? Why are we here? Mulder: Do you work for M? Q: You already asked me that in another parody. Mulder: Damm. Do you know X? Q: The X continum? Of course. We beat those wimps years ago. Sisko: Why are we here? Scully: This is just an elaborate mock up. Tuvok: No this is a space station. Scully: What have you done to your ears? Tuvok: I was born with them this way. I am a Vulcan. Scully: A what? Mulder: An alien. Scully: Oh yeah. Right of course. Tuvok: I can prove it as well. My blood is green. Scully: Bullshit. Kirk: Vulcans don't bullshit. Scully: How do you know? Kirk: My first officer is one. (indicates Sam, at the same time Kes walks in.) Scully: Well, there seems to be some sort of cult that does weird things to their ears. Mulder: (points to Sam) Actually that guy looks human to me. Sam: Uhh? Me? Mulder: Yeah, a middle aged American. Sam: You should see Spock it is his body, not mine. (Al appears.) Al: Uh Sam. He's one of those special people who can see you. Mulder: (to Al.) Who are you? Kim: Hiya Al. (Al freaks a bit.) Rimmer: It's that invisible hologram again. (Al gives the approperate hand gesture) Holodoc: Hmm. Wesley Crusher syndrome seems to be catching. Lister: Surely there should be a different disease for Rimmer. Holodoc: Why? Lister: Well the others all have brains, and Rimmers thick as shit. Holodoc: I see your point. Well we need a new name for it then. Lister: Bonehead disease. Holodoc: Uhh? Lister: His nickname since bording school. Holodoc: Your too young to have been in the same school at the same time. Lister: I never went to school, but I read his diary. Mulder: Whos this Wesley Crusher? Q: This is Wesley. (snaps his fingers. The Boy appears and the next generation cast screams for mercy.) Wesley: Hi. Mulder: He's iritating me already. Get rid of him. Q: oh alright (snaps fingers, the boy vanishes) Kes: (pissed of with being ignored attacks everybody with her mental powers.) I want in on this parody, NOW! Q: (totaly unaffected) Your here already. Kes: I want a few decent lines. Q: Yell at the Scriptwritter. Kes: Well? Scriptwritter: (blood vessels boiling and exploding in his head) Ok. Your in. Just stop this right now. Kes: Ok. Shit, I can't stop. Scully: (rolling about in agony) This is all prime Bull. They proberly got some hydralic system set up underneath us. Mulder: How do you acount for the intense pain. Scully: High frequency soundwaves. Mulder: Yeah, right. Scully: Or they put something in our coffee's. Mulder: Now who's paranoid? Scriptwritter: Q help me! Q: Really? You want my help? Scriptwritter: Yes! Please! Q: Oh alright. (snaps fingers and Kes stops her attack. scriptwrriter collapses in front of word procesor unconcous.) ghkhjflksdjkgiogjkdgjojoite890 21`p84g7er4cv4ertr74gty65cvbget x xvthhjtujb;5tuyyyitihjbw345 lnrrtyty Q: Right stop that. Thats enough. You using valuable space up with that gibberish. Picard: For the last time Q. What is it you want? Q: To bring this parody to an end. Sisko: Why? Q: It's gone on too long. With too much getting in the way of continuity. Janeway: Thats a good point. In space Behind and between Cullah had been killed off. Cullah: I don't let little things like continuity get in my way. Quin: Neither do we. Scully: (re Cullah) Does he remind you of someone? Mulder: No. Scully: (glad) Me neither. Mulder: But that line about continuity, reminds me of that black lunged SOB. Scully: (concerned about the pack of cigerates in her coat pocket) I'm cutting down on them. Janeway: (also concerned about the stacks of cigerates in Voyagers hold) Me too. Mulder: I was talking about the Cancerman. Janeway: Actually, I just realised. That time we went back to 1996? Paris+Tuvok: Yes? Janeway: Wasn't the Earth supposed to be in the middle of a war at that time? Q: Enough. I don't know how you doing this but your sidetracking me. And I'm an omipotent being. Now this the way it's going to be. (Snaps fingers and everyone is rearranged.) (Infirmery. The Holodoc, McCoy and Crusher appear with O'Brian and Neelix. Bashir and Rick Berman are lying on the beds.) Holodoc: ..the hell? McCoy: Well this is some sort of hospital. Well stocked, makes a change. Crusher: But why are here? O'Brian: You got to help them. (points at Bashir and Berman.) Crusher: (Shrieks) The producer, if he dies we'r done for. McCoy: What happened to them? Neelix: They drank some of my Chicken Wee-Wine. You were there. McCoy: Oh yeah I rember. Holodoc: Ye Gods! I hope your malpractice insurrance is paid up. (pulls out a medical tricorder and scans them) McCoy: Now hang on. I don't have to take this from a damm hologram. Crusher: It isn't really Wee is it? Neelix: Of course it is. Why should we lie about our products? Crusher: Let's just say it would help you increase your sales if you called it something else. Neelix: Would it? McCoy: (scans the bodies) They're alive but only just. Crusher: (also scans the bodies) Well, to be honest with you. Crusher+ McCoy: I've never seen anything like it. McCoy: (continuing) Jim. Holodoc: It's ok. I've seen this before. They'l be up in a few days. O'Brian: Thats a relief. Holodoc: Just don't expect them to say much for a while. O'Brian: Why? Holodoc: I've seen what happens to people that actually drink Neelix's alcholic produce. Generally they lose the ability to walk for three days, but this stuff, it's something else. I'd be surprised if Berman can whisper any instructions. Like, "Fire that anoying Talaxian." Neelix: (Gulp.) (cut to a virtually disserted promanade. Riker and Cullah are opposite each other. Their friends and crew members are surrounding them in a circle.) Riker: What the hell is going on here? Cullah: I demand to know what is going on. Q: Possing competion. Riker: What!?! Q: You two have to try to out pose each other. Riker: (poses.) I'm not playing your games Q. Cullah: (also poses) Me neither. (the cast exchange glances at each other.) Quark: Odds on favourite. Commander Riker to win. 10 to 1. Cullah to win 14 to 1. Come on, earn a profit. Place your bets. Cullah: WHAT! A human has better odds then me?(A kazon comes up to him and whispers in his ear.) What? My odds are better? Oh well. you sure? Geordie: (to Data) Do you suppose their related to the Pakleds? (Dax, Paris, Sulu, Checkov, Uhura, Data, Morn, Kirk, Sam, Mulder, Lister and Cat all go and start placing bets on Riker.) Picard: No 1. We agreed that you would pose against Cullah in this competion, and by god you will. Riker: (gets into his "Well! We agreed that I would do something without asking me!" pose.) Well, I've got so much surport. It seems I will play your games Q. Q: Excellent! Scully: This is all fake. Riker: Shut it you ginger cow. Q: Only one difference. This time it's to the death. (cast mutters collectively "what?") Q: Yeah. Adds an edge to it, doesn't it? Cullah: Very well. I will pose in this contest. Q: Very well. Gentlemen, may I remind you that your reputations as the greatest posers in the universe also rely on this. Kirk: WHAT!? (Chakotay, Kim, Tuvok, Torres, Worf, Odo, Kira, Morn, Jake, Kes place bets on Cullah winning.) Quark: Ahh ah Morn. You can't bet on both contenders with this Ferangi. Riker: Worf? How could you bet against me? Worf: I'm thinking realisticly. Q: Square up. Go back to your corners and come on out poseing. (commercial break.) Cancerman: I'd like to try and point out that I'm not really a bad guy at hart. I'm nice, no really. Don't touch that remote if you want to keep you'r hand. I'm nice, I do eveything the normal guy in the street does. I get around, (shot of Cancerman on a luxury private Jet) I eat, (shot of cancerman in Ethopia stuffing his face while starving children stare at him) I smoke, (I'll leave that one to your imagination) I drink, (Cancerman drinking gallons of whine by the bottle load) I phone people that know people that know people that can get you out of the wa- Ah-hem. I send presents to my friends (shot of Krychiek hiding in the shower unnoticed by Mulders dad before he pulls a gun out.) Damm it that's the wrong tape you morons. I wear expensive suits, no wait I can only afford those becasue of all the back handers I've taken to- doesn't matter. Suffice to say, I'm a man of my word, even if the people who gave me the back handers are dead or in prison. (Q appears in the addvert) Q: You really are an iritating man of mystery aren't you? Cancerman: Who are you? Q: Q! Cancerman: How much do you know about me? Q: (pauses, then smiles) Everything. Cancerman: That's you mistake. (snaps fingers several goons with machine guns brake down the door and fire at Q.) Q: Tut tut. Just for that. (Q snaps his fingers and Cancerman and Q vanish.) (end commercial break) (Promande, the posing contest is just begining.) Riker: (Puffs out chest) Cullah: (gets into his "unimpresed" stance) Riker: (puts on his "how dare you" face while getting into his "I'm confused stance") Cullah: (puts hand on hip and bits lip to make him look even thiner, then gives his "you fat bastard" stare) Riker: ( Riker slouches for a second, then assumes the stance he used all the time when caught in a timeloop with the USS Bozemen. i.e. he leans forward and put's a leg out to rest on the Ops station. An especially neat stance because he's managing to lean onto thin air as there isn't an Ops station to pose nearby.) Cullah: (Gets into his "is that really the best you can do stance" then "this is the postion I used with Seska") Riker: (gets into his "taken aback stance") Cullah: (assumes his "I've finnaly captured Voyager" stance) Riker: (uses his "I can see you going for your weapon" stance) Cullah: (gets into his "well I have my disrupter pointed at you now" stance) Riker: (get's into his "I can draw and fire my phaser faster then you can fire your phaser" stance) Cullah: (turns his disrupter on and uses his "yeah right" stance) Riker: (gets into his "Yeah I can stance" and blows the Kazon away. He assumes his "I am a winner stance") Kazon #4: You killed Mage Cullah. Riker: He had a weapon on me. Kazon #4: I was going to say thanks. We've been trying to get rid of that bastard for years. Right you lot, I'm in charge now. First Mage Kazon #4. Riker: (smirks) Picard: What are you smilling about No1? Riker: Nothing sir. Scully: I still say this is all fake. Mulder: Shut up Scully. (The Kazon transport out.) Q: And now as promised. I'll send you all home. (they all vanish apart from the DS9 crew. Quark trys to get back to his bar unoticed. Dax, Morn and Odo corner him.) Odo: Going somewhere? Quark: Uhh the toilet? Yeah that's the ticket. Dax: What about my money? Quark: What money? Dax: I betted on Riker winning. Heres my slip. Quark: But this says you bet on Cullah. Dax: (looks at slip) What? Odo: Nice try Quark. I was watching you and you did the same trick on everyone else. Pay up. Quark: You can't make me pay. You have no proof. Odo: Do you want to be in that cell again? Odo: OK, I'll pay up. Dax: Thank you. Sisko: Well This is obviously the end of the parody. any ideas what the moral is? Kira: Your thinking of the next generation sir Sisko: Wha? Oh yeah. We don't have no stinking morals here. Who wants to kick some Jem'Hadar ass? Kira: ME! Dax:ME! O'Brian: Ah, we can't go anywhere untill I fix the phaser banks. Sisko: Damm. Foiled again. Well I'll just have to take pot shot at the space craft that take off from the station. Worf: Aye sir. It would be an honour to shoot down the ships for you. Sisko: When did you get released? O'Brain: Who cares? This way if anyone sues for damages, you blame Worf. Sisko: Good thinking. Ensign: (intercom) Captain Sisko. Sensors indicate ten Jem'Hadar Vessels coming our way. Sisko: Looks like we get to kick some Jem'Hadar butt today after all. Kira+Dax: Yay! (cut to Enterprise. Sam and the Sliders are on the ship as well.) Sam: Well I haven't actually helped anyone in this parody, but I should still be leaping any minute now. Kirk: Well tell me when you do, ok? Sam: OK. Quin: Well, that was unusual. Arturo: It certainly was my boy. Wade: Profesor, your back. Arturo: Yes Q, brought me back to live as a favour. Wade: (hugs the profesor). Maggie: That is disgusting. (suddenly a red wormhole opens up, Rickman jumps out waving a gun about.) Rembrant: It's Rickman. Rickman: What the? I killed him (points gun at profesor) YOU! THE FAT BASTARD FROM INDIANA JONES! DIE! (fires gun and slow motion kicks in. The bullet slows down, the background looks artificial, Sam leaps in front of the profesor and takes the bullet full on in the head. As he falls to the ground he leaps and Rickman, out of bullets jumps back into the wormhole. The whole of the crew crowd around Spock who is now back.) Arturo: He sacrificed himself for me. Kirk: Don't worry, Spock never stays dead for long. Rembrant: Theres no blood. Kirk: Your right, not a sign of either Vulcan or Human blood at all. Spock How do you feel? Spock: A most interesting sensation Captain. My head hurts. Quin: (surprised) How? The bullet hit you full on top of your head, you should be dead. Spock: Vulcan hair is indestructable. I once had my brain removed without having a single hair harmed. McCoy: He's fine Jim. Except for one thing. Quin: And that is? McCoy: He's going to be extremly pleased with himself for the next few days. Spock: As a Vulcan, I can neither be happy or sad doctor. Wade: (hugs Spock around neck) Thank you for saving the Professor. Spock: Miss? Quin: Wade Wells. Spock: Miss Wells, would you mind releasing my neck? You are cutting off the blood circulation. Kirk: Mr Checkov, take us back into Federation space. Checkov: Aye aye Keptain. (the Enterprise enters the wormhole and appears on the other side. Surrounded by tweenty Cardasian Warships.) Kirk: Uh oh. Lock weapons and fire. (Sam regains concouness. He finds he has his hands and feet nailed to something wooden and theres a crown of thorns on his head.) Al: Uh Sam, you ain't gonna believe this. Roman soldier: Well Jesus, if you had simply admitted you were lying when you said you were the son of God at your trial like anyone with sense would have, this whole regretable situation would never have happened, would it? Sam: Uh?! Al: Your name is Emanual, AKA Jesus and it's the year 33AD. Sam: Uh?! Al: You've lept into something like Monty Python: Live of Brian. Sam: (looks at Roman solider approching him with a drawn sword) Oh boy!!!!! Just for once I'd like to leap into a nice situation. (cut to Enterprise E) Picard: Well, that was the worst parody I've ever been in. Riker: (smirks, then devours a sausage roll.) Troi: I sense, I sense.... Data: Unexplained phenoama 300 metres off the port bow. Geordie: It's fluxuating. Troi: I sense, deception. Captain, there is danger here. Picard: I take your advice very seriously Counserller. Data full scan. Troi: (holds her head) Why do I bother? Data: It that Romulan Warbird sir. Picard: The one we convienintly forgot about? Geordie: Yeah and it's attacking us. Picard: Oh I've had enough of this. Open hailing frequency so I can cower and beg for mercy. Riker: (smirks and brushes the crumbs off his uniform.) (cut to Voyager) Janeway: Report! Kim: We're back in the delta quardrent. Tuvok: NOOOO! Chakotay: Damm it. Janeway: That bastard Q. Paris: So what do we do now? Kim: Are we there yet? (the bridge crew all hold their breath and count to 10.) Tuvok: (doing alternative eyebrow raises in an angry fashion) I can think of 78.64 things I'd like to do to Mr Kim involving sharp implements from the Mess hall. Chakotay: Only 78.64? Is that all? (Kes appears on the bridge) Kes: I want in on this parody now. (everybody starts to fall to the ground clutching their heads) It's not fair. I'm underused in the Series, and underused in the parodies. Kim: (totaly unaffected) Are we there yet? Kes: Shut up! I'm going to boil your brains. (concentrates on Kim) Kim: (not flinching a muscle) Are we there yet? Kes: Oh what am I thinking? You can't hurt Harry's brain cos he doesn't have one! Kim: Are we there yet? Tuvok: (veins starting to burst) Kes, would you mind releasing us. Kes: Oh sorry. (everybody is released and starts to gag slightly for air.) Torres: Why can't she do something usefull? Like just kill Neelix? Kes: That's a good idea. (leaves for the mess hall) Janeway: I'll be in my ready room. (Janeway leaves. Chakotay follows after a little while) Paris: B'Elanna, can I see you latter on? Torres: Sure, where? Paris: (smiling) Holodeck 2? Torres: (also smiling) Sure thing. (Janeway's ready room. Filled with smoke.) Chakotay: Fire crews to ready room! Emegency! Rep- Janeway: Delay that order. I'm only having a cigerette for gods sake. Chakotay: The room is filled with smoke for crying out loud. Janeway: (takes a cigerette out of the Polymorph pack) I don't care, it's my ready room. I'll smoke as many cigerette's as I want. (the polymorph transforms into it's Alien like form and then morphs into Harry Kim) Polymorph: Are we there yet? Chakotay: NO YOU IRRITATING SON OF A ! (Polymorph splits it' head open and sends out it's suction pad which connects on Chakotays forehead.) Janeway: The hell? Security to my ready room! Now! Tuvok: (coming through door holding a phaser) Aye Captain. Janeway: Tuvok shoot it. Tuvok: (fries the polymorph with his phaser.) Chakotay: Oh man my head. Janeway: How do you feel? Chakotay: I feel so calm. Kim: (through open doorway that the polymorph is crawling out through) Are we there yet? Janeway: No Harry, press the pretty buttons. Chakotay: I know I should been yelling at him, but I feel so, nice. Tuvok: Captain, obvoiusly the creature has somehow stolen Chakotay's ability to be rude or arrogrant towards others. Janeway: Hang on. The creature? Tuvok: Yes? Janeway: Where? Tuvok: Captain? Janeway: where is the creature? (cut to bridge. The polymorph has knocked out Paris and several ensigns) Kim: Are we there yet? Torres: (jumps the creature and starts slashing at it with a knife) DIE! (Polymorph reads B'Ellana mind and morphs into a human male about 60 years old) Torres: Dad? Polymorph: Yes. Torres: I don't believe it. (Polymorph splits it's head in half and sends out it's suction pad to connect with Torres head and steals all of her resentment.) Torres: Arrgh. Kim: Are we there yet? (Polymorph reads Kim's mind and finds his deepest fantsy. It attempts to shapeshift accordingly, into the planet Earth.) Kim: Bit small isn't it? (polymorph attempts to expand.) Tuvok: (enters the bridge with Janeway.) Whatever it is, it has incapcitarted the crew. Janeway: Well, it doesn't take much to do that to this crew. (he shoots the Polymorph at full power. The Polymorph changes into steam and escapes through an air vent.) Tuvok: Damm. Looks like theres going to be a sequel. (cut to Red Dwarf) Kryten: Well thank god that parody is over. Rimmer: Remind me to avoid orange swirlling masses in future. Lister: At least we're all safe, and theres no sign of the Borg or anything. (Cat walks in.) Cat: Hey we got a couple of stoaways on board. Rimmer: ALIENS?! Cat: No, not aliens. Humans. Lister: Humans, eh? Q musta screwed up. (Mulder and Scully walk in, arguing) Scully: I still say it's bullshit. Mulder: Scully, we just walked up 2000 flights of stairs for gods sake. Who would fake that many stairs? Who has the kind of money to build such a hugh mock up? Scully: It's all bull Mulder. I saw signs with BBC written on them for gods sake. Mulder: (sulking) It not's. (start's to suck thumb.) Lister: Oh Smeg. Rimmer: Stuck on a five mile long minning ship, and the only Women on board is a red head whose so thick she doesn't relise she's on a space ship. Cat: (Screams in background) Lister: What the smeg?! Cat: Oh my god! (Mulder and Scully pull out their guns and set out to investigate. Mulder tries to kick a few doors down, but since their all metal he brakes his foot.) Mulder: OW! Lister: Cat! Whats wrong man? Cat: That bastard Q. Must be behind it! Rimmer: Behind what? (Cat steps out into the room. His shirt is wide open revealing his chest. Scully looks impressed but rembers herself and looks away.) Cat: Q must have done this to me. Mulder: (hoping about on one foot) What's wrong with your friend? Lister: Kryten, you explain. Kryten: Mr Cat is a humanoid that evolved from Mr Lister's pet cat, 3 million years ago. He does still have some cat like features, such as six nipples (Mulder and Scully look closer). Scully: Mulder, this is bullshit. I mean a mutant cat? Mulder: (holding foot.) He only has two nipples. Cat: Exactly! Q must have screwed me up. (everybody suffles their feet {or foot in Mulders case} at that remark) Cat: I mean, I look awfull, and in front of such a pretty women too. Scully: (blushes) Rimmer: (rolls his eyes around sarcasticly) Kryten: I'm affraid that while your with us your stuck 3 million years in the future as well as 3 million years from Earth. (shot of Red Dwarf in space. We hear Scully yell "Bullshit you rubber faced freak.") Will the Voyager survive the Polymorph attack? Will Picard beg for mercy? Will the sliders be able to get away with having the profesor back? What is happening to Sam Becket now? Will live on Red Dwarf ever be the same again? What did happen to the Cancerman? You won't find out in this parody, thats for sure. To be discontinued. Writer: What the? Q? Q: True, it is moi. The one, the only. Writer: What are you doing Q? Q: Oh I just wanted to make sure this parody is over. Writer: It is. Q: Any chance of a sequel? Writer: (thinks about and in a worried voice) No. Q: A pity. It had potential to be a master piece. Writer: (darkly) Did it now? Q: Oh yes. Writer: Why are you here Q? Q: Well there was something else I wanted to do. (The Cancerman appears in my hall way right next to my computer) Cancerman: where the hell am I? Q: Britain, in some unimportant backwater village. Writer: Hey! That's my home you talking about. Q: Yeah? So? Cancerman: Well it looks like a dump. And this house is going to have an accident if I don't get what I want. (takes out a cigarette) Writer: No smoking in this house. Cancerman: I can do what I like. After all I know people, even in this country that can deal with you. Writer: Q? What have I done to deserve this bastard coming into my house? Q: Nothing. Writer: Nothing? Why's he here? Q: I wanted to teach him a lesson in manners. Any ideas for a good place to dump him? Writer: You could try Meadow well. Cancerman: Where's that? Writer: Reputably the most dangerous part of Newcastle. Q: Done (snaps his fingers and the Cancerman is gone.) How long do you reckon he'll last? Writer: In his physical condition? A few minutes. Q: What about his intimidating voice? Writer: (smuggly) Have you ever tried to intimidate a drunken or drugged up Geordie? (Q nods and smiles at me, then vanishes. Suddenly theres another flash of light and Kes appears.) Writter: What are you doing here? Kes: You wrote Spoof Trek? Writter: (worried) Yes? Kes: (smiling sadisticly) Why wasn't I in it that much? Writter: (falls to the floor and and holds on to head while screaming in agony.) Kes: Well? Writter: (still in agony) Next... parody I write... will star you. Ok?.... OK? Kes: Alrighty, bye. Q! (Q reappears and Kes dissapears.) Q: looks like there will be a sequel after all, eh? (vanishes.) Writter: (gets up and groans.) The End (for some).
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