Spoof Trek 4: The Wrath of Continuity.

 Spoof Trek 4: The Wrath of Continuity.

Foreword. It's the final part of this series, innit?
This time less spelling errors are screaming off the blogger editor at me, which makes me feel happy. It's almost like I'd learned something.
Almost.
There's even more randomness with 90's era sci fi and pop culture craziness, with stuff from earlier decades as well to just transform this into something a bit different from the last time.
While prepping this article and the previous one, I began thinking about adding some artwork related to the characters that appear in these into the top of the pages for these crossovers, that did mean making some edits but I felt it would also make them a bit more interesting to look at in previews and yadda yadda yadda. Anyhow before I even had finished transferring the old files over I started quickly updating the first two parts with such graphics and I think they look much the better for it.
But the images might give away a little too much this time around.
Anyways, on with the words I wrote back in the 90.
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Spoof Trek 4: The Wrath of Continuity.
By David Hopper

Pre word or "Interview With the Author."

(In a creepy looking dark corridor, a small figure is seen walking among the shadows making it's way to it's destination. Eventually the figure approaches a rather ominous gothic looking door. The door opens of it's own accord with a loud squeak and the figure whimpers to it self. It enters into the room, which is lit by a few small candles and a roaring fireplace that casts moving shadows around the room. Slowly the visitor makes his way around the room and bumps into something as it turns around. The camera angle quickly shows a shot of a bear, a very big bear. A scream from the figure until it realises the bear is stuffed and very, very dead. The person moves around and bumps into another figure, average height and build and dressed in black jeans and a green sleeveless T-shirt.)

David Hopper: Hi, you must be the guy whose interviewing me.
Crow: (yeah, Crow from MST3K) Yeah, the show I was on got cancelled you see and I need the money.
David: (confused) Money? (pause) Oh yeah, right. Money.
Crow: So why does a parody writer need to be interviewed?
David: Why indeed? If you’d walk this way? And don't pull that joke.
Crow: Er look, could we just dispense with all the... gothicness of this? I mean, I'm sure this is meant to build up suspense but- (there's a clapping sound, the lights come on illuminating the room) Yeah… that’s better.
David: So, is there anything I can get you? Anything at all? Some WD40 perhaps?
Crow: No, thanks. I'm trying to cut down on that stuff.
David: So, we'd better start with the interview then.
Crow: I suppose we'd better. Mr Hopper, you've been sending in some stories to the Slightly Warped Website for some time now.
David: Since nineteen ninety seven.
Crow: Why?
David: Why not?
Crow: Good comeback (writes on pad "nutcase") So what is your latest project?
David: Ah, my latest and perhaps greatest parody to date. The ending of the Spoof Trek series.
Crow: Your ending that series? The series that started your…"career" as a writer of fanfiction?
David: Yeup.
Crow: I see (deletes the word "possible" next to “nutcase” on his pad) Why is this?
David: I felt that it had all came to a natural end.
Crow: You ran out of ideas.
David: Oh no, no, quite the opposite in fact. The reason I hadn't completed the series earlier was due to my other projects, witch are now on the backburner. No you see, with this series wrapping up of… I also wrap up another series of mine.
Crow: That would be your X-files, Transformers crossovers?
David: Yes, and with this I will be able to write my personnel best work yet, end two series with one stone and do the literate equivalent of bearing my butt at anyone else you may care to imagine.
Crow: I see (writes "Delusions of grandeur") so, do you have any other projects to continue with afterwards?
David: Oh yes. Indeed I do. Indeed I do.
Crow: Can you talk about them?
David: NO! What if someone should steal my ideas? What then?
Crow: (worried for his life) Well, yes. Er, is there anything I can see of the new Spoof Trek then? This masterpiece of yours?
David: Why yes, there are some parts that are finished now. You can see the first part, but if you leak it I'll make a new drainage system out of you.
Crow: Well, no worries there then. (whispers) Mike, where are you when I actually need you?
David: If you'd care to take a seat here, I think you might like this.

(crow and David take some seats in a side room in front of a rather large tv.)

VOICE: 5.4.3.2.1… SPOOF TREK IV: THE WRATH OF CONTINUITY
Part 1: "I'll have a side order of alternate realities and time travel to go, please."
By David "shoot me" Hopper

Guest stars:
George Bush Junior as the new President of the USA.
Michael Portilio as the re-elected conservative MP and all round smug git/bastard who doesn’t want to be leader, no really.
Cliff Richards as the talent-less hack behind the keyboard writing this when he should have called it a day years ago.

Background: Read the past three stories you lazy so and so.
Oh, ok. While Lister is busy sliding, his crew has arrived at the point in time before the Enterprise D crew and the Red Dwarf posse met. But it's actually the second time for the Red Dwarf gang since they've travelled into their past before they met the crew in Spoof Trek 1. Of course that means that the TNG crew do not know them, though these Red Dwarf people do know them. Kinda. So in other words this all takes place just BEFORE Spoof Trek: The Confused Generation.
Confused? Good. Why do you think I named it that then?
WARNING: This parody gets a little closer to explicit nature in one scene, then some parody's have gone in the past. If you didn't like "Voyager Hellfire" then you really won't like the smut scene (oo er) in this parody.

 (The Enterprise-D is firing her weapons at the Red Dwarf. Inside Red Dwarf, Cat is panicking, Kryten is holding on to a load of fresh laundry -fresh as in soiled- and Rimmer is looking tense, not to mention panicky.)

Cat: We're gonna die buds. Well, buds, and Goal post head.
Rimmer: Shut up Cat. These people know us.
Cat: That’s plenty of reason to shoot at us then.
Kryten: It's as I said earlier sir, they don't know us, as this is in a point of time before we met them.
Cat: Well, that still gives them more then enough reason to shoot at us. Especially when you think they have to put up with you again. (points at Rimmer) Who wouldn't like to stop themselves from ever meeting you? I know I wouldn't.
Holly: Hang about, they've stopped.
Kryten: I wonder why?

(Switch to the bridge of the Enterprise. Picard has just walked in.)

Picard: Mr Worf, who gave permission to fire weapons?
Worf: Klingon law did sir. They did not answer our hails, therefore they are hostile.
Picard: Mr Worf, this is a Federation Starship, not a Klingon ship. How many times do I have to tell you that?
Worf: Oops.
Data: Sensors scans indicate that they have taken heavy damage to their ship before we attacked them sir. It is possible they were unable to receive or answer our hails.
Worf: Never the less, they could be hostile.
Data: Further more, no weapons can be located on any part of their hull.
Worf: They could ram us.
Data: We would have ample time to avoid them.
Riker: (eating a pizza) would we have time to eat out as well? (sauce drips down his front)
Picard: Will...
Riker: Yes sir?
Picard: Don't eat on my bridge.
Riker: Aye sir.

(On an alternative world, the Sliders, Quin "Genius" Mallory, Rembrant "Sex maniac" Brown, Dave "Lost" Lister, Maggie "Knockers" Becket and Colin "Idiot" Mallory, fall out of the vortex and into a group of Neo Nazis at a hate rally. A load of fat, tattooed and mostly shaven Nazis wannabes sing, sorry, yell raciest songs of hate and intolerance to the crowd of equally fat, tattooed and mostly shaven gits.)

Neo-Nazi#1: (nazi symbols tattooed on forehead) (points at Lister and Remy) Hey, what's a bunch of darkies doing here?
Neo-Nazi#2: Hey that's the one who beat up our furior, all those years ago.
Neo-Nazi#3: Don't be a clutz, that was 50 years ago. That must be the guys son or something.
Lister: Trust me, you don't want to know about my descent.
Neo-Nazis#1: Try us.
Lister: Well, (singing) I'm my own grandpa-

(cue dance sequence involving the Neo Nazis getting more jigy with it then John Travelota in his hey day or Will Smith with his ego in full swing. This is obviously pretty scary.)

Neo-Nazi#2: (seriously pissed) I hated that stupid movie. Get em.
Neo-Nazi#3: Which movie?
Neo-Nazi#2: I just told you, Stupid.
Neo-Nazi#3: You calling me stupid?
Neo-Nazi#2: No the movie was called "Stupids", stupid.
Rembrant: Actually it was "The Stupids", and the song was lifted from-
All Nazis: Get em.
Rembrant + Lister: Uh oh.

(Rembrant takes off, pulling Lister along by the handcuffs they are still wearing thanks to landing on the last world where black people were shot at on sight if thought guilty of a crime. Lister isn't watching where he's going, and bumps into a reinforced metal door that was just opened by a skin head that Remy punches with his free hand.)

Lister: Smeging hell, me head.
Quin: Maggie, distract them.
Maggie: Ok (pulls out a gun she was hiding between her ample bosoms)
Quin: … Not quite what I had in mind.
Maggie: Hey boys, guess what?
Skin-head: (dazzed and bleeding from where Remy hit him) What?
Maggie: Any of you know what time it is?
Nazis: (as a whole) No.
Maggie: Well, it's time to be blown away.
Quin: Wha?

(Maggie fires her gun a few times into the Nazi crowd, head shots wounds to all. The Nazis however are so fanatical, that their fatal injuries simply don't bother them, maybe don't even register in their brains. Quin comes up with the best idea any of the other Sliders have heard since the last slide.)

Quin: (to Maggie) Oh right, thought you meant something else there. (turns to all the Sliders to tell them his great idea) Run.

(The other Sliders take off after Rembrant, now pulling a comatose Lister behind him.)

Maggie: How long till we slide?
Quin: I dunno. I gave the timer to Colin.
Maggie: (to Colin) How long till we slide?
Colin: I dunno, I don't have the timer.

(Maggie and Quin fall down laughing, eventually so does Colin. The Nazis catch up. Confused, they start laughing as well.)

Quin: That gags been done to death, don't try it again. Now where's the timer?
Colin: (pulls out timer) Right here. I just needed to finish doing a few calculations to figure out-
Maggie: How long?
Colin: (looks at timer, then counts on fingers) Ten seconds.
Skin-head#2: It's a bomb. Run.
All Nazis: OH SHIT! RUN LIKE BUGGERY!
Rik Mayal: Hey, that’s MY line.

(The Nazis flee. Rembrant comes out of his hidey hole, still dragging Lister with him)

Rembrant: (sighs) I thought they'd never leave.
Quin: Time to slide. Lets go.

(Colin opens the vortex by holding the timer the wrong way around. The beam goes through his chest and creates a vortex right behind them, leaving Colin unharmed. Colin jumps in, followed by Quin.)

Maggie: (to Rembrant) Is he alright? (points to a drooling Lister, who manages to find the strength in his legs to stand up and plant his face on top of Maggie's chest.)
Rembrant: (laughing) Well, he is now.

(They slide. Cut to Red Dwarf, Enterprise-D, a spacial anomaly is occurring.)

Data: Spacial anomaly people.
Riker: (eating a curry) That's the fifth this week.
Worf: Writers have been spinning the wheel of plot's, again.
Picard: Indeed. Deanna, do you sense anything?
Troi: (concentrates for a moment) Well, there is a great disturbance in the force, sir.
Picard: Deanna...
Troi: Sir?
Picard: Shut up.
Worf: (groans)
Data: Sir, under the fair humour act, we may not use that joke.
Picard: Data, the fair humour act itself is a joke, and under it's own terms, since it was already used in a parody, we cannot use it.
Data: But sir, I was simply stating that-
Picard: Data...
Data: (knowing full well what's coming next) Sir?
Picard: Shut up.
Data: Yes sir.
Wesley: Woah, just about everyone but me's been told to shut up.
Picard: Haven't we gotten rid of him yet?
Riker: Not until after the events of Spoof Trek The Confused Generation. (to audience) make sure you've read it. Until those events happen, we're stuck with him.
Wesley: Until those events happen, I stay put right here. And we have to come up with a good reason for your incestient swearing in that parody as well.
Picard: Shut up Wesley you irritating, brown nosing, arrogant, snotty, pimply science nerd, hormone free geek.
Wesley: shutting up right now sir.
Troi: There is one good thing about this.
Riker: What's that?
Troi: We all look a bit younger.
Riker: Oh yeah. So does that mean?
Troi: Yes, Will, my boobs are firmer.
Riker: (smile at camera) I LIKE quantum mechanics after all.

(Everyone shudders. The Sliders have now slid into Mulder and Scully's office and are making the appropriate re-introductions. Colin is staring at the "I want to believe" poster, Maggie and Scully are glaring at each other, Mulder is talking to Lister while Remy and Quin are taking a look at Mulder's porn collection. Please note, this Mulder and Scully are the same pair that featured in the first two parodies and have actually experienced those events. So we're not using some weird kind of reset button plot catalyst for these guys. They've also been in the "More Then Meets The Files" series, but not quite yet.)

Colin: How did we get here?
Mulder: Who is this idiot?
Quin: Timer malfunction. Something to do with Lister taking a dump in the vortex. And this is Colin, my idiot brother from another dimension.
Rembrant: AKA, crappy plot device.
Lister: Better then anything the Fox executives could have came up with.
Rembrant: (thinks about it) hmm, Maybe.
Mulder: When I first saw you Mr Lister, I knew I had seen your face before.
Lister: You had? How? I'm from 3 million years in the future.
Mulder: It's kinda hard to forget the face of the man who beat up Hitler.
Scully: That and we had met you on the "space station".
Mulder: I was referring to that as being our first meeting, Scully. And Red Dwarf is a mining ship, not a space station.
Scully: I was talking about that "Deep Space Nine" set we were on.

(The group crowds round a video player)

Colin: Don't we need a TV as well?

(... Ok, the group crowds round a TV attached to a video player. Mulder plays the tape. A pre WW2 Nazis rally is in progress. The camera concentrates on Hitler. Lister materialises in the film, goes to the crowd and starts yelling over Hitler.)

Video Lister: Don't listen to him, go home. He's only got one testicle.
Colin: What's a testicle?
Scully: (looks at Colin) Are you taking the piss?
Colin: (over the sounds of heavy thumping and Hitler's screams of pain that are coming from the tv) Taking the what?
Rembrant: You beat up Hitler? Wow. No wonder them Nazis hated you so much on the last world.
Lister: This must have affected every dimension where the Nazis ever existed.
Colin: (staring at the "I want to believe" poster, takes a flashlight to it.) You know, from certain angles if you look at this poster, I could swear there's a naked woman on the other side.
Scully: (shocked) What?
Mulder: Erm, it was a poster I got out of Playboy. Sorry.
Scully: I don't mind that, I can understand that. It's just the thought of HIM knowing what a naked woman looks like that throws me.

(Back on the Enterprise-D. Riker and Data are working on a console. Riker is drinking a can of Diet Dr Pepper.)

Riker: (spitting out the foul substance all over the consoles) Ew, yeuck. I can’t believe ANYONE would drink this stuff.
Data: Sir, we have a match for this ship.
Picard: (strolls up to them) Well?
Data: It's markings are consistent with the Jupiter Minning Corporation, a 22nd century mining company - as evidenced by it's name.  It's a Solar class mining vessel that suffered a radiation leak due to faulty servicing, and was last seen leaving the solar system at full speed.
Wesley: How does it's name give evidence that it comes from-
Riker: Shut up Wesley.
Picard: Wait, those ships were quite large in size, but had a tiny crew, no more than a couple of hundred. (looks at screen) Yet our sensors only indicate one humanoid lifeform and a (looks at screen closer with a frown on his face) pair of mutating socks making sweet love to a mouldy cheese and chutney sandwich?
Riker: (drooling) Hmm, Cheese and Chutney sandwiches. (more drooling)

(everyone looks at Riker in mild disgust.)

Data: Indeed sir, however, the composition of the hull indicates that it has been in space for perhaps three million years.
Picard: Has commander Riker's bad eating habits damaged the sensors again?
Riker: What bad eating habits? (realises he's still drinking Dr Pepper) EW! (sprays Dr Pepper over the console, shorting it out and causing a fire.)
Picard: THOSE bad habits.
Worf: Fire crews to the bridge.
Troi: (holds head) AAAAARGH!
Riker: I wasn't thinking of anything to do with farmyard animals, honest. And I wasn't thinking of doing anything involving a managerie.

(The entire bridge crew just stare at Riker. The fire crew arrives.)

Riker: (sheepish) Well... I'm not.
Data: Counsellor, what is the matter?
Troi: The disturbance, it's getting worse.
Picard: Lets get our sensors looking at the anomaly-

(A loud bang behind Worf ends all hope of that, as the console explodes, killing the fire crew and sending them hurtling over the tactical console, while at the same time, spreading the fire onto the other consoles. Worf meanwhile has a strange look of relief on his face.)

Worf: (waving a hand behind his butt) Sorry. Must have been all the bloodwine.
Picard: Nevermind, I'll get all I need to know from Guinan. (to the confused looks of the entire bridge crew) She was listed as a guest star. Don't any of you bother to read those credits?

(Everyone mumbles something. The only thing really made out is various variations along the lines of the phrase "no")

(Guinans quarters, Picard is talking to her.)

(insert commercial break)

Skinner: Scully, I’d like to introduce you to your new partner since Mulder is off having his as probed. (Skinner sniggers)
Scully: Great, I can have a nice normal partner for once.

(the T1000 walks in)

This season, on X-files.

T1000: Have you seen this good looking boy?
Scully: I just can’t get a break can I?

(shot of the T1000 beating up the Big Neck Alien Bounty Hunter, and making a stabbing weapon out of his finger, heading towards the big guys only weak spot on the back of his neck)

T1000: I know this is going to hurt.

(Krychek is running for his live pursured by-)
Cancerman: Alex, got some splaning to doooooo.
Krychek: NOOOOO! Go away, please. Can’t you understand the idea of staying dead?
X & Deepthroat: (rounding a corner) Nope.
Krychek: ARRRRGH!

(the T1000 has a gun on Mulder)

T1000: I’m the star now, so die cheapskate. (fires a gun at Mulder)

(Mulder does the Amtrix shuffle to avoid each bullet)

T1000: That’ Fu*<BLEEP!>*ing amazing.

This season on X-files, we’re fu*<BLEEP!>*king desperate.

Langley: Hey guys, any word on our spin off series?

(Arnold Schwarzenegger kicks the door in and blows the Lonegun away with a chain gun)

(end commercial break)

Picard: Tell me all about the incident that led to your people arriving here, in the Alpha quadrant.
Guinan: What's that got to do with anything?
Picard: Just curious, and trying to kill time with some pointless filler material that we don’t really need to know anyhow.
Guinan: Well, the Enterprise-B picked us up out of the Nexus, which you will learn all about in the future and ONLY when you need to know about the darn thing. Anyhow, a madman I kinda knew called Soran went off to study nuclear fusion, the others all kinda drifted and we lost contact. But when the Enterrpise-B picked us up, I was asked a funny question by this man who looked like he was part of the monkees.
Picard: What did he ask?
Guinan: He wanted my autograph. But later I saw the same guy chanting something about the Corp being both his mother and his father. But I doubt that's important right now. What you need to know about is the imminent destruction of this ship in the first movie.
Picard: WHAT? Kirk got to keep his first ship for three movies, but I lose mine in the first?
Guinana: You leave Will in charge.
Picard: That explains it all then. Guinan, is there any chance we can save the Enterprise? Any at all?
Guinan: It's beyond our control.
Picard: You mean?
Guinan: Yes, it's in the hands of Rick Berman. Besides, half the fans think this ship looks like a duck.
Picard: Well thank you Guinan. I'm sure this will be useful, but this is sometime in season five, so that’s a long way away. Tell me what you know about a mining ship from the 21st century. (sees a drink with smoke coming out of it) Hmm, I'm thirsty. (he grabs the drink and downs it in one go)
Guinan: Er, Jean Luc, I wouldn't have done that. That drink has a strange side effect on humans. It makes them lose the ability to control their temper making them swear all the time.
Picard: Not Fucking likely.
Guinan: I call it the Preacher mix.
Picard: Fuck. Suddenly I feel like wearing white trousers, a black t-shirt with a dog collar and roam the country in a car with my girl and a vampire. (thinks for a minute) Shit, shit, shit. That’s some potent shit you got there, Guinan. Now tell me what I need to know about that fucking mining ship, and don't give me no mystic shit, otherwise I’m going get medieval on your ass.

(Back on the bridge)

(SMUT SCENE ALERT)

Riker: So, Geordi, what web site are you looking at today?
Geordi: Erm, none (alt Tabs around to a different screen) I'm working. (smiles innocently)
Riker: Oh come on. (Alt Tabs around) The "Ro, Ro, Ro your ensign" site? (turns head to one side) Are these real pictures of Ro Laren?
Geordi: No, these are doctored.
Riker: Thought so. HEY! Where'd these come from? Those aren't doctored.
Worf: Problem, sir? (turns head to one side)
Riker: These are the pictures of Ro and me when we had amnesia.
Worf: (try's a different angle) How the hell did Ro get in that position? And what's with the whipped cream?
Riker: A little tick, Deanna taught me. (looks at screen again) What's this?
Worf: (reading screen) Betazoid whore takes it up the-
Riker: Geordi, how'd you find this site?
Worf: Captain and Chief Medical Officer in extreme-
Geordi: Erm.
Riker: (quietly) I wish I'd thought of doing that to Deanna. (normal) Lets see the e-mail address. (silence) Blindguy@Enter-D.com? Geordi? This is your site?
Worf: Female crew orgy?
Geordi: Gotta go. Bye (runs off as Picard walks on to the bridge).
Worf: Trill amateur loves giving-
Troi: (turns to Picard) Captain, I sense fear, but it's not coming from anyone here on the ship.
Worf: Ex Borg regenerates WITHOUT the suit...
Picard: Another fucking ship, cloaked maybe?
Worf: High ranking Bajoran military woman, meets the alternate lesbian obsessed version of herself...
Troi: No, it's human, not Klingon or Romulan, or even Breen.
Worf: Female Starfleet Captain enjoys-
Data: I thought Betazoids can't read Breen?
Worf: Starfleet Captain on Risa? So, I take it Vash and Captain Picard are... close friends?
Troi: Well, lets face it, if the Breen were here, we'd be dead right now.
Worf: But we are not at war with the Breen. Mind you, if I was at war with a Trill, I'd definitely use this position.
Riker: Good point.
Worf: Which one?
Riker: Both of them. (points at screen) Oh, sorry, I was thinking of something else. What were you saying?
Troi: Actually sir, I made a mistake, the fear is on this ship, and it's going down the turbolift right now. Something must have stopped me from making out the psionic signals correctly.
Riker: Yeup that’s Geordi all right. (thumps a fist into his open palm) 'Fraid for his life.
Picard: Any idea what could corrupt your empathic (coughs) skills?
Troi: (looking at Worf and Riker) High hormone levels for a start.

(Everyone is silent for a while. Riker and Worf's hormones levels return to normal. Eventually, Worf's console beeps.)

(SMUT SCENE OVER)

(outside a Romulan Warbird decloaks)

Picard: Uh oh.
Troi: I sense fear sir, from all over this ship.
Worf: Should I bother to arm our weapons sir?
Picard: Yes, you do that why don't you bloody well do that, eh?

(An hour later)

Picard: Captains fucking log we have encountered two ships, a heaverly damaged piss ant mining ship from the 22nd century and a c*ck s*cking Romulan wabird that is just sitting there scaring the crap out of my crew. Neither ship has attempted to contact us, and we likewise have not bothered to contact these arseholes. To further add to our trouble another temporal anomaly is appearing right in front of our bloody eyes.

(The Red Dwarf series 8 anorexic (badly) CGI Red Dwarf ship appears, screaming out of an orange wormhole type thing. Suddenly the other Red Dwarf ship starts to fade, slowly dissolving section by section. Cut to that ship. Inside all hell is breaking lose, lights flicker on and off, consoles explode. The skutters are driving around the place going crazy. Rimmer is flashing on and off, Holly is doing likewise.)

Rimmer: What in the name of smeg is going on here?
Cat: Woah, my clothes are melting in their cupboards.
Kryten: (somewhat panicky) I've managed to scan the other Red Dwarf ship. Sir, that is what this ship is meant to have looked like until the budget was cut.
Rimmer: Get to the point Kryten.
Kryten: Well sir, it seems we've darned the fabric of reality and changed the timeline. Reality is somehow reasserting itself.
Rimmer: Meaning?
Holly: It means that this timeline we followed was never meant to be, but since we've done so much it can't all be undone. So to prevent us from screwing time up any further, we're being erased to make way for the true timeline.
Rimmer: What in the name of my slut of a mother does that mean? What could have caused this?
Cat: Bad writing that’s what.
Kryten: For once, Mr Cat is correct. A badly written piece of fanfiction, written by someone with no idea how the shows he was using were going to evolve, mixed with a desperate attempt to make up for ruining continuity of said shows by reasserting his own tales timeline.

(everyone mules over that, no one understood it at all)

Rimmer: So what will happen to us?
Holly: We die is what generally happens.
Rimmer: Oh great. I die twice in one lifetime. That's more times then I've had sex.
Holly: Don't worry though Arn, I've contacted the other Dwarf and apparently in that timeline your still alive. As is the rest of the crew.
Rimmer: (fading out) (sarcastic) Brilliant, smeging brilliant. (starts to fade out entirely) I lose my life only to learn that an alternate version of myself is going to replace me. Brilliant, just brilliant. (makes the V signs at everyone) I mean who would have credited that idea? (fades completely)
Cat: He's gone.
Kryten: The holo suite must have gone now.
Holly: Speaking of which my core processors are going now.
Cat: Bud, your processors went a long time ago.
Kryten: (terrified) How does it feel?
Holly: It feels like your parents have told you that your going on a holiday to Bournemouth. (image fades from screen)
Cat: You know what upsets me the most? The fact that my clothes are all going to be gone. How will I be remembered without my clothes?
Kryten: I will miss cleaning them. It was the only way to keep myself occupied on a Sunday.
Cat: Bud, I ever tell you that your head is shaped like a novelty condom?
Kryten: Several times sir.

(suddenly the room their in fades, as do they. Meanwhile on the Enterprise)

Picard: Wasn't there anything we could have bloody done?
Data: No sir. They were affected almost instantly by the erasure effect. Beaming them here would only have prolonged the experience for them and possible endangered this ship.
Riker: Well. Now what?

(As if one cue, the Red Dwarf from before the very start of this series of parody appears in a similar effect to the series 8 Red Dwarf. This causes the fading Red Dwarf to combusts into a cheap orange special effect that pulls in the Warbird, the Enterprise D and the Red Dwarf that has just appeared. The series 8 Red Dwarf stays where it is, being a good distance away from the other vessels. From this point on, the events of the first chapter of this series are now starting. Am I a bastard or what? Meanwhile on conspiracy earth)

Lister: (looking at Colin whose busy staring at all of Mulder's gear) I used to have a friend like him once.
Maggie: Really?
Lister: Back in first school. At Christmas, right, he used to stay up at night to see if Santa really did come down the chimney.
Maggie: Well all kids do that, I remember a lot of lonely nights waiting for Santa to come.
Quin: (coughs suggestively)
Maggie: I was always wanting to see what I would get out of his sack.
Quin: (coughs again, it sounds a lot like) STD's. (Remy slaps his back)
Lister: This was kinda different.
Maggie: Oh yeah?
Lister: Yeah, he was wanting to mug the guy and steal his magic sack. He figured he could get the sack and get anything he wanted to. In the end he ended up being taken away for murder.
Maggie: (shocked) What happened? Did Santa really exist on your world?
Lister: No, but when we were teens we ended up having to pull him off a Santa in a shopping centre. A few years later we heard he'd actually killed one of them.
Maggie: (shudders) And that reminds you of Colin?
Lister: He's got the same kinda look in his eyes. The kind of look that says he wants to burn houses just to see how they'll burn and if they'll blow up at the same time.
Maggie: Rrrrright.
Rembrant: Well that killed a few minutes, now what?
Mulder: We wait around until we find some interesting case in our archive that amazingly enough has some resemblance to a case that happened recently.
Colin: (reading a file marked "Transformers") Woah, robots that change into cars. Cool.
Quin: Erm, he's sorta getting closer to the nineties.
Rembrant: At the moment I think he's more into the late eighties.
Quin: Well, we have five minutes until we slide. And we still haven't figured out a way to get Lister back home yet.
Rembrant: Don't we have those co-ordinates stored in the Timers memory?
Quin: Yeah, but it doesn't have the temporal anomaly needed to get there stored in memory.
Maggie: So how come we got back to our timeline then?
Quin: I dunno, bad writing I guess. It's always worked in the past in these parodies.
Rembrant: Well what got us there the first time?
Quin: Something to do with Cheese I think?
Maggie: Cheese, Pizza, something to do with the X-men…
Lister: So, we need something cheesy?
Quin: Where are we going to find something like that here?
Colin: Captain Planet.
Lister: What?
Colin: A Captain Planet video.
Quin: Of course, the corniest, cheesiest tv cartoon series ever since all those Scooby Doo rip offs. If we toss that into the vortex it ought to let us time travel.
Lister: That is probably the biggest load of smeg I've heard since reading Rimmer's log entries on Starbug.
Quin: Like it or not, it's our only chance.
Lister: What the hell is the writer doing to come up with these plot devices?
Rembrant: Spinning the good old wheel of plots.
Quin: So now we need to kill five minutes.

(INTERMISSION)

Rimmer's voice: Ladies and Gentlemen. For your amusement in this parody, Jar Jar Binks dances.

(Jar Jar is led on by a Storm Trooper and a battle droid)

Jar Jar: Whatsa going onsa?

(the two troops start shooting at his feet. Jar Jar starts jumping to avoid the blasts)

Jar Jar: Heysa. Cut it outsa. That hurtsa. Ouchsa. My footsa.

(Just borrowing a bit from a joke a friend made up. I like it, so it's in. Lio De Caprio walks on, dressed up like Luke Skywalker.)

De Caprio: I should be playing Anakin, I should by rights. It's the only way to boost the ratings. With all the legions of girls that adore me, the movies will make even more money.
Jar Jar: Does thatsa meansa we'll be friends?
De Caprio: Get away Jar Jar, no one likes you.
Jar Jar: But mesa just wants to be your friendsa.
De Caprio: (pushes him away) Get the F**K away from me, you little creep.
Jar Jar: But-
De Caprio: THAT'S IT! (pulls out a lightsabre and slices Jar Jar's lower jaw off) Now I'll call you Jaw Jaw Binks. How do you like that?
Jar Jar: (pulls out a pair of short lightsabres and waves them about in his hand.) Meega honna hill ou, Ankun. (slices at De Caprio)

("Duel of the fates" starts up, only this time the words sound vaguely like "Run away, way, far, far away." De Caprio is getting his butt sorely kicked by an enraged Jar Jar)

De Caprio: What? This, this can't be happening. I'm, I'm losing to, to THAT?
Jar Jar: (slices De Caprio's right hand off, the salve tracking device implanted in it blows up what's left of it) Urprisesa.
De Caprio: ARRRGH! No, no, I've lost my sabre, and my hand, oh god no, my beautiful hand. It did all my favourite things. (a darker, evil look crosses his face) But I can still do this. (uses the force through his other hand to lift Jar Jar up, and throws him into a volcano.) How do you like that, frog boy?
Obi Wan: Anakin? What's happened here? Where is that irritating snot Jar Jar? And why do I suddenly get both angry and relieved whenever I see your face and hear people mention “The Beach”?

Rimmer's voice: Ladies and Gentlemen, we now return you to your parody.

(END INTERMISSION)

Rembrant: Well that was interesting.
Quin: Yeah, whatever. (opens vortex, chucks the video in, the vortex goes into a state of flux) Okay people, in we go.

(Rembrant jumps in headfirst, Maggie jumps in such a way that her boobs do the obvious thing, Lister trys to backflip in, misses, lands on his butt, gets up, rubs his behind and settles for just running into it.)

Quin: Well Agents, thanks for keeping us here and freeing Remy and Lister from those cuffs. I don't know how we could possible meet up again but maybe we will.
Mulder: With the amount of people still writing fan fiction based on Jason Donner's numerous parody crossovers, I think someday we will meet again.
Quin: Yeah, whatever. And thanks again for unlocking Lister and Remy. You know how many worlds they'd gone without a shower since the last world where they ended up being accused of being their alternates who just happened to be mass murderers? On a world where Black people are shot at on sight anyhow? For sport?
Scully: I don't want to know.

(Quin runs in. After he jumps in the wormhole starts to fluxurate doing all kinds of weird stuff. Eventually it starts to change its rotation and the Sliders come back out)

Rembrant: Well, that was different.
Lister: Another conspiracy Earth?
Mulder: Erm, actually you guys aren't going to believe this.
Scully: Which is just as well, since you left your brother here.

(Colin waves)

Quin: Damnit.

(back to the Trek universe. The Enterprise-E has just arrived after the events of Spoof Trek 1 and are now under attack by the Romulans.)

Picard: Great, now they want a piece of us.
Riker: Sir, are you going to stay in character for this one?
Picard: I will if you will, Will.
Riker: Of course sir. (eats a bacon sandwich) *BURP*
Worf: Shall I target their engines and cause them to overload sir?
Picard: No Mr Worf, we are not killers. We shall use the art of diplomacy to settle this. Besides, you should be on DS9 by now.
Worf: (various muttering under his breath that you do not really want to hear at all)
Picard: Open a channel. Now hear this. If you continue to attack us, I shall have no choice but to talk incessantly at you and bore you to into surrendering. I remind you that this unprovoked attack is classified as an act of war, and could therefore-
Data: They have broken off their attack sir, warping off at warp 9.
Picard: Well there you go. See Mr Worf? Diplomacy solves everything.
Worf: (mumbling) What's the point of having weapons if you never use them?
Data: Sir, we have two objects on sensors. One heading away from us, the other is on an intercept course. One is the newer version of Red Dwarf we bumped into a few days ago, another is, well downright weird, that is for sure.
Picard: On screen.
Wesley: Aye sir.
Picard: I thought we got rid of you?
Wesley: Erm, I, that is.
Picard: OUT!
Wesley: But-
Picard: Worf, kindly escort Mr Crusher to the brig. If he resists, take him to an airlock instead. And then see to it that you get to DS9 pronto.
Worf: (too excitedly) Yes sir.
Wesley: MOMMY! (runs for it, chased by Worf who goes after him with a fly net)
Data: Object now on screen sir.
Picard: What the devil is that?
Riker: I've never seen anything like that in my life.
Geordi: Man, that thing is immense.
Data: It is definitely not something you see everyday.
Riker: Unless your watching a Japanese cartoon show. You know, the ones with the elaborate and well animated robots and the chicks with ample boobs, but rather weak plot lines and virtually no stories?
All: Nope.
Riker: Damn. Now I feel like I'm some lonely pervert.
Geordi: Welcome to my world.

(shot of the viewscreen. A giant green and purple vessel is hanging there. It looks like it has a ramp at the front, connecting to a midsection with a small grey/silver tower on it. It has two legs branching out from the midsection with cannons on top pointing at the Enterprise while two smaller towers with what look like claws on the top are near the opposite side of the ramp. This is Scorpornok. No, not the Beast Wars character.)

Picard: Open a channel. To unidentified vessel, this is Captain Jean Luc Picard, of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Identify your self please?
Voice: BWAH! You ask me to identify myself? You! A human? Dare to question me as to who this is?
Picard: Ambassador Spock? Is that you?
Vocie: BWAH! I am NOT Spock. I simply had him as my voice actor, once.
Troi: I sense insanity sir.
Data: Sensor readings indicate temporal activity surrounding that ship sir.
Geordi: Those great big cannons could tear us apart if we don't raise our shields.
Picard: (to voice) Yes I do expect some common courtesy when addressing a fellow space traveller.
Voice: Bah, prepare to face the wrath of the Decepticons.
Picard: Raise shields, Data, check the databanks on that name. Maybe a more thorough search can help.
Troi: We've done some searching already? I must have missed something.
Data: Checking.
Riker: INCOMING!

(shot of space as the Enterprise is fired upon by the Decepticon vessel. The shields just survive.)

Geordi: Those are massive ionic photon charges, we don't stand a chance at this range.
Data: Recommend we get the heck out of here sir. I found a reference to the name Decepticons and wish to be able to speak to you about it without having to go through having my life flashed before me eyes and having to discuss this in the afterlife.
Picard: Lets get going then. Warp two, any direction engage.

(The Enterprise gets the hell out of there. On board the Decepticon ship a time portal opens up and deposits: Rodimus Prime, "Leader of the people but also known as the idiot", Ultra Magnus "The other idiot", Springer "Not the chat show host", Kup "Senile old git" Arcee "Robotic supermodel" Wreck-Gar "TalkiusLoadOfCrapious" Blaster "too cool for this show", Perceptor "Professor" and Grimlock "Sir". The vortex shimmers and slams out Starscream "closet homo", Cancerman "writer wannabe" and Krychek "double, double crosser" and then shuts.)

Rodimus: Anyone recognise this place?
Starscream: I don't, but it has Decepticon markings all over it.
Perceptor: Rodimus, I have grave news. Are you aware of the full nature of our time jump equipment?
Rodimus: You mean the mass exchange plot line that we didn't actually use during the events of "More Then Meets The Files part four"?
Perceptor: Yes.
Rodimus: No.
Perceptor: Well you see-
Cyclonus: What are you people doing here? What the? Starscream? But your dead, aren't you? And Rodimus Prime as well? You don't exist anymore.
Ultra Magnus: Oh boy, we must be further into our own future.
Kup: Does this mean we've missed bed time?
Blaster: Perceptor, you've got to do something about his medicine.
Perceptor: Such as?
Blaster: Poison it.
Springer: Oh come on, it's only Cyclonus. It's not like he's really that hard, he's a wuss. I'll just beat the ever living poo poo out of him and-
Cyclonus: (levels a gun at Springer's head) Oh, so I'm a wuss am I?
Blaster: You act like a hard ass all the time, until your around Galvatron and then you start licking his butt as much as you can.
Arcee: Yeah, how brown is your tongue now mister?
Cyclonus: That’s rich coming from someone who has a prepubescent human in their head.
Arcee: Huh?
Cyclonus: Daniel, Spikes son. The REALLY Annoying human?
Rodimus: Spike had a son?
Blaster: Spike has had sex? Ewe, now there's a thought I DON'T need in my head. Him reproducing.
Starscream: Wait, just who the hell are you?
Cyclonus: I'm Cyclonus, Galvatron's number two. STOP LAUGHING AT ME! I didn't mean that kinda number two, I meant second in command. I used to be Bombshell - I think.
Starscream: Whose Galvatron? And if your Bombshell, shouldn't you be with me? NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVERTS!
Rodimus: (hiding his mouth behind his hand) We never said a word.
Starscream: Bah, every time I say something, someone twists it to some other meaning. Now who is Galvatron?
Galvatron: I AM! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Welcome Starscream, to the last few seconds of your life. (Galvatron transforms to his space cannon mode and blows Starscream to smithereens, then he turns back again) Soundwave, an energeon cube NOW!
Soundwave: As you command. (he produces an empty energeon cube and hands it to Galvatron)
Galvatron: Now to wait for the spark to show up - aha. (he throws the cube at the remains of Starscream and captures the ball of energy that is Starscream's soul.)
Starscream's Spark: (inside the cube) What in the pit it this?
Galvatron: The only way to catch an immortal spark like yours Starscream is to do this. And now I can plague you for eternity. You'll live to regret the day you crossed me and threw my battered body out to die.
Rodimus: Er, Galvatron, that version of Starscream was from the year 2000, and an alternate reality.
Galvatron: RODIMUS PRIME? Here? Alive? But Optimus Prime has the matrix again. Doesn't he?
Magnus: Prime's alive again? Damn, and I bet that he'd stay dead this time.
Rodimus: I wish that guy would make up his mind. Either he dies or he lives forever.
Springer: Hey Wreck-Gar brought Magnus back to life after being torn apart, why not bring Prime back?
Arcee: Who cares about that? I want to know more about this kid inside my head.
Starscream: Did someone say I was immortal?
Springer: No, only immoral.
Kup: Wheres my tablets?
Blaster: Shouldn't we be fighting each other by now?

(Silence, everyone considers this. Eventually Galvatron speaks up.)

Galvatron: NO, I'm afraid we're already hunting down some humans of this time period, we seem to have stumbled onto after our incident with the plasma energy chamber. As a result, I'm far too busy to actually have a battle.
Kup: So what we gonna do instead then?

(a prison cell that has all the Autobots in it and Cancerman and Krychek. Galvatron with Starscream's spark cube under one arm and Cylconus stand over them laughing.)

Grimlock: Me Grimlock no like this.
Rodimus: Join the club.
Grimlock: Me thought me already had.
Magnus: We're going to have come up with some plan.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock want to do jail house rock.
Rodimus: oh god, it's pathetic the company I keep.
Cancerman: I know the feeling.
Krychek: Hey boss, maybe we can strike a deal with these guys?
Cancerman: I like your thinking young man. And with a new alliance I can capture Mulder and Scully and do to them what I've always wanted to do.
Krychek: Kill them?
Cancerman: No, blow smoke in their faces.

(Cancerman starts laughing maniacally. Meanwhile on conspiracy Earth.)

Quin: Okay, I think we got it sussed this time. We've got a cheesecake, a pizza, a copy of the X-men's Onslaught saga story line and as many of our season three scripts as we could find. As well as Colins contract. Okay, I think we got enough cheesy stuff here. If this doesn't work and send us into the future to meet up with Lister's crew I don't know what will.

(Quin opens the portal, throws the stuff in and watches as the wormhole changes into various fluctuations. The sliders and Lister shrug their shoulders, and one by one jump in. Mulder and Scully watch on.)

Scully: Freaky cult.
Mulder: Yeah, whatever Scully.

(Scully leaves the room while Mulder sits down at his desk. After a minute a man comes in and passes him a video tape. Mulder plays it in the machine and sees the events mentioned in More Than Meets the Files part four, for the very first time.)

(On the Enterprise E, Picard and company are sitting in the conference room while Data explains who the Decepitcons are.)

Picard: So Data, what did you manage to find out for us?
Data: During the late twentieth and early twenty first centuries, two warring robot factions brought their civil war to Earth as one faction attempted to steal Earth's resources. The ship we encountered bears markings of this same faction. The Decpitcons.
Riker: Sounds like some B movie plot. (chugs down a can of Fosters)
Picard: Number one, don't drink on duty.
Riker: I'm off duty sir, I'm just attending this meeting for the sake of it. (throws can in the corner of the room)
Picard: Well lay off the booze.
Riker: I brought enough for everyone sir.
Picard: SUSH! Data, continue.
Data: They were last seen leaving sector 001 after they managed to position their home world near Earth orbit and attempted to use it to destroy the entire solar system. Their plans were foiled by the other faction the Autobots, who reported that the Decepticon ship we encountered had last been seen, spiralling out of control on an unknown course. It was never known what happened to them.
Riker: What about the Japanese continuation of their series?
Data: The majority of US and European fans don't seem to like that show as a whole. Best not to mention them really. Frankly the weak story lines, bad names for characters and equipment. I mean-
Picard: Data, your getting off track.
Data: Sorry sir.
Crusher: So, until now this ship has never been seen?
Data: Yes sir, this would appear to be the same ship, and that would indeed be the same crew, as evidenced by the raving lunatic they have in command.
Riker: The president of the Federation is in charge of that ship?
Data: No sir, a hugely insane Decepitcon by the name of Galvatron.
Geordi: Sounds just great. Is there any way to defeat them?
Data: Standard weapons should do the trick, however their own ship bound weapons are far more advanced then our own. We would most likely need the whole fleet to deal with this.
Picard: With the current war with the Dominion that wouldn't be wise.

(everyone thinks for a second)

Picard: Oh… crud. Are you all thinking what I'm thinking?
Riker: That we need something to eat? *BURP*
Troi: GAH! Will, that beer belch was disgusting.
Picard: No, that if the Decepticons seek an alliance with the Dominion we could be in serious do dah.
Riker: Well, there's that too of course. Although no more do dah, then normal.
Crusher: Did we figure out what happened to the Red Dwarf?
Gerodi: Which one?
Crusher: The one that vanished?
Geordi: I went over the sensor logs, there was a recording of temporal activity there. Haven't a clue what it means though. Something to do with mass I think.
Data: One thing is for certain sir, from the markings and damage on that ship that disappeared, it was hard to tell for sure, but it could have been the same ship we had met up with earlier that has now gone on it’s merry way. That is too say, the ship that looked like that one that vanished, hat was pulled in with ourselves and the Warbird, was in fact the same ship as the one that vanished, just from an earlier time period.

(silence as everyone tries to absord that.)

Riker: The ship we met while the captain was swearing like a drill sergeant?
Troi: And the other one that showed up? The first one, that looked anorexic?
Gerodi: As far as I can tell, that one went off on a course towards the nearest port of call it could find. We can follow them if you want Captain.
Picard: That may be a good idea. Make it so.
Crusher: And that other Red Dwarf that we just had that amazing series of adventures with? What happened to it?
Geordi: My best bet is that they got home. Unless they were the one that vanished like that.
Riker: I changed my mind, I hate temporal mechanics.
Troi: Me too, my bum is looking big enough to gain it's own gravitational pull.
Crusher: I bet the readers weren't expecting a parody to feature such an in depth discussion on that subject in a parody.
Troi: Yes, I am sensing boredom.
Picard: Well we can only hope they made it home. We don't need to bump into that Lister character again. One character with bad eating habits I can deal with, but two…
Riker: Two? *BURP*
Picard: Picard to bridge, lay in an intercept course to follow the Red Dwarf.
Ensign voice/com: Which one sir? The anorexic one or that one that vanished?
Picard: The thin one.
Ensign: Got it sir. Er sir?
Picard: Yes?
Ensign: Sir, I got a fix on where it was heading after the big purple thing showed up. They headed towards something called a jumpgate?
Picard: (stands up, tugs shirt) Lay in a course, best speed. Data, see if anyone else has had any encounters with the Transformers, will you? Meanwhile lets get the air in this room replaced, shall we?
Riker: *BURP* Why sir? (farts)

(Meanwhile on DS9, Sisko is relaxing in his office as a message pops up on his lap top. In ops Kira is grunting and growling at the crew.)

Kira: And if I ever see anyone smoking in the access tunnels again, I'm going to rip out their lungs and show them the damage their doing to their own bodies.
Bajoran worker: (at the back of the crowd and muttering) Sheash, the Cardassians were kinder then she was. Even when they were raping our women they were kinder then she was.
Kira: WHAT WAS THAT?!!!!!!

(Mercifully for the no name, Sisko comes out of his office. Please note, I've finally bowed to public opinion and decided to take the piss out of the way Avery Brooks talks and acts.)

Sisko: Major, What is with that Yelling?
Kira: That's Colonel sir. And discipline sir, is what's going on here.
Sisko: Well could you Kindly take your Discipline to somewhere else? The airlock Possibly? I need to Consult Dax about that Great Big purple and green thing that we fought off after that Incident with the Red Dwarf, Sliders, X-men, Judge Dredd and Anyone else I may be Forgetting.
Worf: But sir, this is season seven.
Sisko: Yes I - oh. That means we have the Useless Host, Right?
Kira: Hey, she's your friend.
Sisko: I just Like the Slug, that's all. I go back a Long way with it.
Worf: A mere fraction of it's life span, I'm sure.
O'Brian: Why do you need to know about that thing that just attacked us for no reason?
Sisko: That chrome Domed, Mass murdering Idiot, Picard has posted a section Wide Alert, Stating that he's meet up with that Thing again. It's a good Job we saw it Off.
O'Brian: Well, we were only denting it's armour really.
Worf: And an apology from some purple wuss with these two horn like objects who apologised for the attack as they thought we were some sort of Autobot base.
Sisko: Autobot?
Worf: You know, those sentient robots that contacted us? And their enemies the Decpticons and their descendants, the Predacons?
Kira: They had a big battle on Bajor and wiped the floor with the Power Rangers.
Sisko: Oh them. Well that's okay then. I don't think Any of those groups Would have Anything to do with the Transformers Picard also Warned About.
O'Brian: Uh, sir?
Sisko: Yes?
O'Brian: The Autobots and Decepticons and Predacons WERE Transformers. This was simply their millennia years old civil war expanding some more.
Sisko: Ah. Well in That case, Major.
Kira: Colonel sir.
Sisko: Does that explain for the crappy new Look uniform?
Kira: Yes, yes it does.
Sisko: I preferred the Older version myself, but if the Powers that Be want You to Wear a Crappy Uniform, then so… be… it. Anyhow, ready the Defiant for Launch. We'd better be there to help Picard with some support. Chief, load it up with Quantum torpedoes. And see if we have any Tri-cobalt devices around. I have a feeling we may be Needing them.
Worf: I will see to that personally sir.
Sisko: Colonel, how's your Piloting skills these day? Feel like Not letting Us get Hit umpteen Times today?
Kira: I can try my best sir.
Sisko: Your best isn't Good enough. I'm leaving you Behind.
Kira: You can't leave me behind. I've hardly had anything to do in this parody series.
Sisko: Well life's a Bitch.
Kira: And so are you.
Sisko: Yeah, I know that.

(everyone sniggers at Siskos expense, then stop as he looks like he’s about to hurt someone. Meanwhile in the Delta quadrant, Voyager is cruising around with the Delta Flyer just docking with it. On the bridge, Harry Kim is in charge and everyone is relaxing, as after all, nothing serious ever happens on Kim's shift - unless he has to assume command in the middle of a crisis when Janeway takes all the other senior members away.)

Kim: Status?
Torres: (takes off a blindfold from a nap she was taking) This is the most relaxing time I've had in a long time, Harry.
Seven: Curious is it not, Lieutenant, that despite your rank you never seem to assume command of the bridge.
Torres: So?
Seven: Given that you are more intelligent then Mr Kim on any given day, do you not think that you should have command of the bridge sometimes?
Torres: Seven, I'm not a bridge officer. I'm the chief of Engineering. Besides, speaking of rank, what rank do YOU hold anyhow?
Seven: This conversation is irrelevant. You are clearly seeking to avoid my question.
Torres: Thought so, your just a crewman aren't you? Harry outranks you, in fact Neelix whose just hired help outranks you. The gel packs outrank you simply because they've been around longer.
Kim: Kim to shuttlebay, get up here quick captain before Torres and Seven start trying to repaint the bridge an interesting new shade of red with smashed up nanobots as a pattern.
Seven: Do not attempt to insult me. I can easily reveal things about your activities with ENSIGN Paris.
Torres: You wouldn’t dare.
Kim: HURRY CAPTAIN!
Seven: (reading from a pad with no sign of emotion at all) "Let me handle the joystick" "Docking bay open" "Welcome aboard" "oh, oh, fill me big boy"
Torres: (pissed BIG time) That's IT!

(in the shuttle bay, Janeway comes out of the Delta Flyer with an expensive looking shopping bag in her hand.)

Janeway: I'll be there in a minute, Harry.

(Janeway leaves the shuttle bay as Chakotay, Tuvok, Paris and Neelix struggle out of the Delta Flyer with the rest of Janeway's overstuffed shopping bag, boxes and a couple of new guns piled up in their arms. Of course they trip up in their efforts.)

Paris: Tuvok, you HAD to find a planet full of shopping malls with half price deals on EVERYTHING!
Chakotay: AND tell the captain.
Tuvok: The captain had requested me to keep an eye for the nearest facility, with "facilities". Mr Kim needed to go desperately, and since the toilets on this ship have only been mentioned once, I am presuming he forgot about them. I could not help it if the planet claimed to have the galaxies largest shopping mall and she decided to stay behind after our away mission to confirm this. (pause) For two weeks.
Neelix: And what was it with the way you kept insisting on beaming up food from that fast food joint for?
Tuvok: Don't yell at me, my back hurts.

(brief shot of the mess hall. Dozens of happy crew members are eating fast food from various burger chain restaurant. Cut to the Bridge, Janeway is there while Torres and Kim are looking at a now hypnotised Seven of Nine whose just staring blankly at the viewscreen.)

Janeway: B'ellana, did you hit her?
Torres: I never got the chance. I think she's just playing possum.
Kim: She just started staring at the screen, and muttered something about the lights. Captain, there's nothing there on the screen.

(meanwhile in Seven's POV, the viewscreen has a strange shape on it. Janeway steps in front of her, but to the side of the viewscreen.)

Seven: What are you?
Janeway: I'm Captain Katherine Janeway, the bitch who separated you from the Borg collective and turned you against them.
Oracle: I am the oracle. A plot device used to make Beast Machines Transformers have some vague point in it's destruction of Transformer mythos.
Seven: What do you want?
Janeway: I want Chakotay, but don't tell anyone.
Oracle: My own chat show, but that's not what I'm here for.
Seven: What are yo- ?
Janeway: A human female who desperately needs some loving, but I can't risk that happening because that would destroy crew morale.
Oracle: I am here to send you to the Alpha quadrant.
Seven: I do not wish to be there.
Janeway: (misunderstanding) Well, you don't have to. I never asked. Say, your not a member of the pendulum club are you?
Oracle: Tough, your crew is needed there. You will comply.
Seven: I will comply.
Janeway: Okay, that's a bit more then I was really asking about.
Oracle: At this point, I would normally reformat your body to include the biological as well the technological. But that's already been done. Nice work too, especially the chest. Nearly the same size as Blackaranchia's.
Seven: Thank you.
Janeway: Of course, none of what your hearing me say is actually me saying what I'm saying. It's just an illusion generated by the Oracle communicating to you. Making me say what a lot of the Internet fans now expect me to say in these things.
Oracle: Oh don't thank me, she's a complete slut. Now, I'm going to help you open a gateway for your crew to get to the Alpha quadrant. If you are successful you will get to stay home. If not, well the Decpiticon's will rule you all. Tell your people all of this when you regain consciousness.

(without a further word, the Oracle disappears from Seven's sight and Voyager is sent hurtling through the stars back home.)

Kim: We nearly struck a ship captain.
Torres: We're being hailed.
Janeway: Seven, what did you think you were up to? Seven? She's out cold. Damnit. On screen.
Picard: (onscreen) Oi! Do watch where your going.
Janeway: We're home. Seven I could kiss you.

(Janeway turns back to Picard just in time to see the Sliders wormhole open up and send the Sliders hurtling into Picard. After a minute of cursing, Lister stands up.)

Lister: Cathy? SMEG!
Janeway: Oh no.
Quin: er guys.

(Quin holds up a very badly damaged timer)

Uh oh. Is the timer really screwed with this time? Will Lister ever get home? Will the cast of Sliders ever stop changing? Will there be a way to get Rimmer and the others back or are they gone for good? Find out in the next segment of the finale of Spoof Trek.
 
Spoof Trek 4: The Wrath of Continuity.
Part 2: To boldly get back on track like no one has done before.
By David "Stop me before I kill again" Hopper

Guest Stars:
Liam Neeson and Ewan McGreggor as the planks of two by four.
The ghost of Orson Welles as, the ghost of Unicron.

(Scrolling yellow text runs off into the background.)

Episode 4 part 2.

A new screw up.

During the preceding part, the Red Dwarf and her crew were obliterated from the timeline when another Red Dwarf vessel came into the timeline - except Lister, who was off sliding in other dimensions with Quin Mallory and company and bumped into Mulder and Scully where Quin came up with a unique plan on using the timer to create a time tunnel to get Lister home. Instead they arrived back where they started.

Now the crew of the Enterprise E have just completed their adventure during the first Spoof Trek parody, and now have returned to their previous location before bumping into the place where the now non existent Red Dwarf and it's alternate should be.

Meanwhile on Voyager, Janeway and company have been sent back home by the Oracle from Beast Machines to save the universe from the Decepitcons. DS9 is prepping the Defiant and the Big E has had Voyager bump into it, as well as the Sliders and Lister.

Oh and speaking of the Transformers, some of them from another dimension and time and space have time travelled into the situation and landed in their enemies battle fortress/starship Scorponok, around the same time that the Red Dwarf vanished from reality.

Meanwhile on Voyager:

(Chakotay, Tuvok and Paris enter the bridge. Seven is rubbing her temples trying to clear her head.)

Tuvok: We deposited your purchases in your quarters, Captain.
Janeway: Where's Neelix?

(The three men look shifty. In Janeway's Quarters, Neelix is prancing about in Janeway's underwear. Back to the Bridge.)

Chakotay: He's…
Paris: Putting your clothes on. (quickly) AWAY!

(The men all smile, except Tuvok who raises an eyebrow. Janeway looks flustered.)

Janeway: Okay, whatever. Harry, go help Neelix.

(the three men look at each other, horror on their faces at the thought of Kim seeing Neelix like that.)

Janeway: Seven are you alright?
Seven: I had been contacted by an alien lifeform while I was in my trance like state. It claimed to be the oracle and told me it sent us here to save the universe from the Decepticons.
Janeway: (remembering the events of More Then Meets The Files part III) Oh god not them again.
Seven: I also miss heard everything you told me while you were talking to me in your attempts to snap me out of my hallucination.
Chakotay: Captain I should warn you, the hallucinogenic drugs I use for my visions quests have gone missing… Again.
Tuvok: Security sweep. I found them.
Chakotay: Then how come half the ship is tripping in the mess hall?
Paris: Could have been the food.
Tuvok: (pause) oh crap, that’s the last time I buy anything from the Ecstasy King burger franchise.
Torres: Are we just going to stand around here chatting, or are we going to actually talk to the first people we've meet in the Alpha Quadrant since we got here?
Janeway: Of course, we'll talk to them right now.
Seven: (panics) Alpha quadrant? Alpha quadrant? I do not wish to be there. Take me back to the Delta quadrant. Now
Torres: Seven, this is what we've wanted for nearly six years.
Seven: (going into a massive huffy fit) Me no likie Alpha Qudrant. Wanna go home. (folds arms) Me no wanna be here. (sucks her thumb)
Janeway: Okay, that's it. She's gone nuts. Tuvok take her away.
Torres: Does that mean I can go back to holding the position of ships babe?
Paris: I thought that had been Kes's job?
Torres: (going for his throat) HEY!
Paris: Kidding, kidding.

(On the Enterprise bridge, Picard is out cold with a shocked Rembrant sitting on top of him from the collision. The other sliders are standing there, smiling inanely.)

Riker: What the hell is wrong with you people? Don't you know how to knock?
Maggie: We knocked him out, didn’t we?
Colin: I don’t think he menat like that, Maggie.
Quin: (cutting in) Jeeze, it's not like you can help it with an inter-dimensional wormhole.
Riker: Whatever. Well, I should thank you anyhow. I'm in charge for as long as chrome dome here is out of action.

(The crew look at each other nervously, Picard stirs, Riker sees this and bashes Picards head off the floor once or twice.)

Rembrant: Can he get away with that?
Lister: Listen man, have you seen the Dwarf at all? I need to get back to me ship, and me mates. And Rimmer as well I suppose.
Riker: Er, well I don't know what happened exactly. Data knows best, so I'll leave him to tell you it all.
Lister: Thanks man.
Data: Your crew mates, Mr Lister, are dead.
Lister: Smeg…
Data: Decessed, no longer living, logged off, decommissioned, off line, electronical and bio chemically-
Riker: DATA! Quiet, this is a delicate matter. (to Lister) You’ll have gotten over it, by next week, eh?
Quin: What about the timer?
Riker: I'll have Geordi look at it. Meanwhile I'll have some no name have your quarters arranged. Will you pay by cash or check?

(On board Scorponork, in an office, Galvatron with the Spark cube of Starscream used as a foot rest, Cancerman has unveiled his heinous plan.)

Galvatron: You make an interesting propersisiton. One would have to be stark raving mad to refuse you. BWAHAHHAHAHA! I of course, am completely sane.
Cancerman: (scared for his life) Oh yes, anyone can see that.

(a close up of Galvatron reveals the pupils of his eyes are going round and round in circles and he's foaming a bit at the mouth. He fires his arm cannon into the hallway, nailing a sweep clone.)

Sweep#345: AAARGH! (dies)
Scourge: (sighs) Great, I'll get on with the reproducing of ANOTHER clone shall I?
Galvatron: You do that. And let that be a warning to you, Cancerman.
Cancerman: That you don't like being crossed, and don't give second chances?
Galvatron: No, that I'll kill anything and I have great aim.
Cancerman: So noted. But I need you to do me one thing first to get our plan working.
Galvatron: Name it, it shall be done. So swears Galvatron. BWAAAAAAAH!
Cancerman: (rubs a finger in his ear) Yes, well first of all, I need your best torture expert.
Starscream: (singing) Nobody knows, the trouble, I’ve seen.
Galvatron: (kicking cube) Nobody knows the trouble you are. (pause) And you don’t know the trouble your in. BWAH!

(later, inside the Prison cell. Cancerman and Triggerhappy are looking at the prisoners. Triggerhappy, true to his name, has a great big gun in his hands.)

Triggerhappy: Okay Autobums, tell us where this time jump thing is.
Rodimus: Or what?
Triggerhappy: I start shooting you.
Krychek: Hey boss, remember me? Huh?
Cancerman: Er yeah. What was your name again?
Triggerhappy: You want me to start with him?
Cancerman: (thinks) Nah, if this messes up I'll need him alive later.
Triggerhappy: Fine, I'll start with gramps here. (shoots Kup) Feel like talking Rodimus?
Rodimus: Nope. You can torture my men as much as you want, I won't talk.
Triggerhappy: How noble, you know, you’re a real improvement over Optimus Prime.
Rodimus: Really?
Triggerhappy: Nope, he was an enemy you could respect. You? Your nothing.
Rodimus: That's it, let me out of this cage and I'll have my men whup your ass.
Triggerhappy: What men? (shoots Springer and Ultra Magnus) How do you feel about talking now?
Rodimus: It doesn't bother me at all.
Blaster: Your not the one getting shot.
Rodimus: Shh.
Triggerhappy: Of course. Why didn't I think of that? (shoots at Rodimus feet)
Rodimus: AIIIEE! MERCY! HERE TAKE THE DAMN THING!
Triggerhappy: Thank you. Now it's off to the boss I go. But, you know there's a reason I'm called Triggerhappy.
Blaster: Why's that?
Triggerhappy: Guess. (he shoots every Autobot in the cell)
Grimlock: Me Grimlock Pissed big time. Me say you Blaster should keep big mouth shut.
Blaster: You know your in trouble when Grimlock makes a vaguely intelligent observation.

(Back to DS9, the Defiant leaves the station and warps off.)

Ezri: Feel sick.
Sisko: Well go to the Rest rooms.
Bashir: Could someone please explain why I'm flying this thing today?
Odo: Beats me.
O'Brian: Me too.
Sisko: I'm confused Too. I didn't put you there on the duty Roster.
Worf: It is because of his genetically enhanced reactions that he is there. That should have been obvious from the start, especially since your such a keen detective, Constable, and you’re his best friend, Chief.
O'Brian: Julian's genetically engineered? Since when?
Odo: I hate it when little things like that slip past me.
Sisko: Just look at your Screen mountain man, we need to keep our eyes Open for our Enemies, as well as our Allies.

(back in the conference room on the Enterprise E. Lister is listening to Data talking and talking and talking about how the Dwarf vanished and what this means. Troi is also present.)

Data: Presuming that we have enough data to form a working theory, I would presume that what we saw was a reworking of history. I would assume that your Red Dwarf came from a reality that should not have been, while the anorexic ship is what should have existed. On this idea it would mean that since the two ships existed, your ship that should not have existed had to cease existing. Including it's crew who also would never have existed. This means that there is another version of you out there who has similar memories and experiences to the point where your realities differed. This basically means that the timeline has sorted itself out.
Lister: But if my ship, and me mates had to stop existing, how come I'm still alive? How come you all remember those things that we did?
Data: (thinks for a while) It… may be possibly due to the nature of your sliding with the sliders that you now have an immunity to this.
Lister: I think it's more likely that somehow you've overlooked something. I mean, what about that great big Decepticon ship you told me about? Couldn't that have something to do with it since it just showed up out of nowhere?
Data: We had not considered that possibility. I will return when we have performed some more testing involving that information.

(Data leaves in a hurry, Troi leans forward to a rather too intimate distance with Lister)

Troi: Listen, Mr Lister,
Lister: Dave.
Troi: Dave, I can feel your pain, I know you miss your friends, as well as Rimmer. How about I do something to take your mind off the loss?
Lister: Sure.
Troi: (licking lips) Computer, lock doors, emit level ten force fields and sound proof the room.
Lister: (very shocked) …the smeg?

(in the Bridge, Data walks past Riker.)

Riker: You left those two in there? Alone?
Data: I saw no reason why I should not.
Riker: Troi is in that Betazoid heat thing for crying out loud.
Data: That would explain the lingering line of young crew members lining up at her quarters earlier today then.
Riker: Oh no, not this. We've started recycling "Troi is a slut" gags. And I have to put up with those Voyager nut cases as well.

(Inside Voyager's brig. Tuvok throws Seven in the brig and steps inside with her.)

Seven: I am not insane commander.
Tuvok: Nevertheless, I have been ordered to take you into protective custody. And until then I must take steps to prevent you escaping and interfering with the crew.

(Tuvok steps into the cell and stamps a stamp on Sevens hand. The mark on her hand reads "INSANE". Tuvok steps out, activates the forcefield and leaves. Seven goes into her trance again. The Oracle appears again.)

Seven: Woah, pretty colours.
Oracle: You know what to do. The timeline must be screwed with, er, protected.
Seven: I Know What To Do. (Seven extends her borg probes from her left hand and merges with the ships circuitry.)

(back on the bridge, Riker and Janeway are talking over the viewscreen. Riker is in his heroic stance. The one where he holds his chest out really far, and holds his nose up high. It also has another effect.)

Janeway: Commander, would you mind not pointing your chins at me like that? Thank you, now why don't you tell me what your situation is?
Riker: shouldn’t I ask you that seeing since you just arrived here?
Kim voice/com: Kim to Auntie Janeway. I'm scarred.
Janeway: The monsters aren't real Harry, just remember the rhyme I taught you. Ghostie, ghostie go away, your not real anyway.
Kim: It's not ghosts, Auntie Janeway.
Janeway: What could it possibly be then?
Kim: Auntie Janeway, what's Uncle Neelix's doing in your nightdress?
Janeway: (chin hits the ground.) What?
Paris: All that progress we managed to make with him on his personality, and it all gets ruined by seeing Neelix in drag.
Chakotay: Seeing Neelix in drag would scare me.
Paris: Yeah, but you've got no personality to lose anyhow.
Torres: Besides it could just be those drugs of yours kicking in again in your case if you saw him like that.
Janeway: I'll be right there, Harry. Try not to look.
Torres: Captain, something weird is happening.
Ensign no one: No change there then.
Paris: I'm losing helm control.
Chakotay: No change there then.
Riker: Your activating warp drive. What's going on over there? What the hell kinda ship are you running there Janeway?

(before anyone can respond, Voyager goes into warp and orbits a star, going into timewarp of course. As the crew regain their composure they take in a time check.)

Torres: It's 1917, again, and there's some big fish ship leaving Earth in a time gate like we bumped into when we met those Babylon 5 people.
Paris: We've got helm back, but no warp drive.
Janeway: Follow that ship. I'm betting this is a while before we got here the last time.
Paris: No sign of Voyager's warp trail. I think you right there captain.
Chakotay: Katherine, what are you up to?
Janeway: Clearing up a plot point.
Torres: The other ship has jumped into the gate captain.
Paris: We'll be there in ten seconds.
Torres: It's closing.
Janeway: That's okay, I'm willing to bet we'll see another ship coming real soon. Find out how this happened. Tom, put us in a polar orbit, that ought to mask our signal from anyone scanning for UFO's.
Torres: Any money says it's Seven's fault we're here.
Paris: Yeah, Seven will be behind this.
Janeway: I think she may have done us a favour.
Torres: Another jump point is forming. It's an incoming one.
Chakotay: Something's coming out.
Janeway: A shadow vessel. Scan for life forms.
Torres: Two unknowns, and a human life sign.
Janeway: I'll bet it's Cancerman on this ship being dropped off at this time. Man we've got some paradoxes here. Okay, wait until that ship leaves, then we'll follow it once it leaves. Meanwhile, I have a Talaxian to castrate and a frightened young Asian boy to calm down.

(back in the present, er future. The Enterprise is still following the Red Dwarf towards it's destination. Riker is fuming at the loss of Voyager.)

Riker: What the hell does she think she's upto, going into timewarp like that?
Gerodi: Sir, all our readings indicate that she'd lost control of her ship. Someone took it over.
Riker: Bah, I've always said it was a bad idea to have a woman as a captain.

(the Trill babe from Insurrection looks up at Riker in disgust)

Riker: Hey, your nowhere near becoming a captain so don't take offence.
Trill: Git.
Riker: Your confined to my quarters lady. Get there now.
Trill: And whose going to fly this ship?
Riker: I'll let Hawk do it.
Trill: He was assimilated by the Borg in the last movie before I came along.
Riker: Ah, but this is his identical twin brother.
Data: Gee, like THAT plot twist hasn't been used on this show.
Riker: Damnit. Will everyone shut up? I've got to go check on the captain in sickbay. Huh, you. Ensign what'yername, the spotty red hair kid with the runny nose, freckles, buck teeth and geeky glasses. You've got the bridge while I'm gone.
Data: You leave THAT in charge of the flag ship of Starfleet? Oi!
Riker: Who said this ship was the flag ship? The Enterprise D was the flag sgip, no one’s ever said that this ship was, and until the writers say it is, it ain’t.
Data: Spoilsport.

(on the Defiant)

Sisko: Status?
Bashir: Let's see, Worf is playing solitaire, Odo is shapeshifting his uniform into slightly different patterns, (looks at monitor) O'Brian is busy eating donuts next to the warp core. Ezri is holding her head down a toilet, I'm getting a sore butt from sitting here and Nog… is trying to use his leg as trade in part of a deal he's doing on Ebay.com.
Sisko: And what am I Doing?
Bashir: Asking pointless questions.
Sisko: Oh, alright. I'll try to ask more Sensible ones. What's our intercept time on the Enterprise?
Bashir: Eight hours at this speed.
Sisko: What speed Are we doing?
Bashir: Warp two.
Sisko: Go to best Possible Speed.
Bashir: Should we try the speed where the ship shakes apart?
Sisko: Only if you can Pay the insurance for this ship and put a Down Payment on a Third Defiant vessel.
Bashir: Safely does it, it is sir.
Sisko: (looks at a monitor) Hmm, power levels are Dropping. Sisko to O'Brain, see if you can find a way to Increase our Power.

(cut to the warp core. O'Brian looks from his donut to the warp core and back again. After a few seconds he opens up the hatch and tosses in his donut's. Suddenly there's more lights on all over the ship.)

Sisko: Good work that man.

(cut to the Enterprise's sickbay. Riker walks in looking for Picard. A rather flustered Crusher comes over)

Crusher: Hi Will, up to much?
Riker: How's the captain?
Crusher: Oh much better. He's UP and about, but I don't think he's ready to assume command again
Riker: What's the problem?
Crusher: He needs to have some more, medical care.
Riker: How long could this take?
Crusher: Oh very long. Very, very long. It's all to do with his age.
Riker: (looking suspicious) Right. Okay. What tests do you have in mind?
Crusher: Oh, I need him to put something inside me - er. I need to put something inside HIM!

(Riker moves into the corridor outside. Looks back and shakes his head.)

Riker: Weird woman.

(back on Voyager. Neelix is being whipped naked through the decks outside the mess hall by a manically laughing Janeway. The people eating the food stop eating, not out of disgust at what their seeing, more out of surprise that the food seems to be having that kind of effect on them. Their actually missing the pixies they were seeing before hand. Janeway manages to get Neelix into the brig where Tuvok and his team are trying to get the force field down around the Brig that Seven has modified. Seven screams as she sees Neelix's… man hood.)

Ensign #1: Weird woman.
Ensign #2: You mean you wouldn’t be afraid to see that thing?
Ensign #1: What thing?
Ensign #2: THAT thing.
Ensign #1: Pass a microscope will you?
Janeway: What's the problem Tuvok?
Tuvok: Seven has erected a massive Borg powered force field that we cannot penetrate. We cannot convince her to lower it.
Janeway: Well would you want to have Neelix in a brig with you if he was naked?
Tuvok: No, I'd rather die. Painfully. Was it really necessary to horsewhip him captain?
Janeway: That's Mistress to you.
Tuvok: Oh boy, the slash fanfic get's a few jokes in this show now.
Janeway: Seven, I forgive you. I know you didn't mean to get us lost in time.
Seven: Yes I did. The oracle told me to do it.
Janeway: Uh huh.
Seven: It wants us to stop the Decepticons.
Janeway: How are we supposed to stop them in 1917? They aren't here yet.
Seven: I'm not sure.
Tuvok: Captain, sensors detect a starship in the area, approaching Earth.
Janeway: And the shadow vessel?
Tuvok: It hasn't left yet.
Janeway: To the bridge.

(a section of wall opens up and two poles are seen in an alcove)

Tuvok: Oh no, not another rehashed joke. I'll take the turbolift.
Janeway: Me too.
Seven: The Oracle says you must destroy this approaching ship.
Janeway: Of course Seven, whatever you say. (to the crewman behind her) Gas her into submission.

(On Voyager's bridge, a vessel is seen.)

Paris: It's got Decepticon markings on it.
Chakotay: Hail it.
Shrapnel voice/com: This is Shrapnel, shrapnel. What do you want, want?

(The bridge crew look at each other in surprise as the robot keeps repeating the last word in each sentence.)

Paris: Gee, this could be hard.
Torres: Unlike last night.
Paris: We were at it like rabbits for crying out loud.
Shrapnel: Rabbits, rabbits? Like perto rabbits, rabbits?
Paris: No, just rabbits.
Shrapnel: That's what I said idiot, idiot.
Bombshell Voice/com: Move over fool.
Shrapnel: I'm in charge, charge.
Bombshell: You want us to charge their ship?
Kickback Voice/com: Just blast them will you? Humans have no right to be in space.

(weapons fire, Voyager gets hit and goes down into the planets atmosphere, the Decepticon's vessel follows)

Tuvok: Direct hit. Laser disrupter. Of course, it wouldn't have damaged us if we’d had our shields up.
Janeway: Our shields are still damaged.
Tuvok: (pause) Oh… Why doesn't ANYONE tell me these things? I'm just the chief of security and head tactical officer, it's not like I SHOULDN'T be told this sort of information.
Chakotay: We're all going to die. (sniffs something out of a paper bag) I'm going to die on a vision quest. (starts chanting)
Paris: We're not dead if I can help it.
Torres: The engines are out again.
Paris: Crap. Forget what I said.
Chakotay: Forget it, I'm out of drugs. I'll just die on a caffeine high.
Torres: The coffee machine is down too.
Chakotay: There goes my lifeline.
Paris: And the captains.
Ensign noname: Sir, we're getting a build up of particles that are related to timetravel. Their building up around our hull.
Paris: Meaning?
Torres: At our speed, their activating. We're going back in time a few years. Maybe.

(Voyager fades out of existence as the Decpticon vessel fires another shot then get's hit from behind by something. It loses control and crashes into a jungle. A few years previously, a big ship sales into a flow of icebergs.)

Jack Dawson: Well here we are, lets kiss. (makes out with Rose)
Look out#1: Cor, look at that. (points to the lovers)

(in the distance, Voyager enters the timezone and splashes down unnoticed by the now peeping look outs. It bobs up and down and floats towards the ship as they both approach each other. The look outs take a look forward, just as Voyager goes partly back under. The only part visible is the front part of the Saucer section, at something like a ninety degree angle giving a shark fin impression. The looks out react, ringing their warning bell.)

Look out#1: What the hell is that thing?
Look out#2: ICEBERG STRAIGHT AHEAD!

(on board Voyager, Janeway and Tuvok clamber back to their stations after being thrown around. The ship is at an odd angle, everything's slanted. They take stock of the situation on the viewscreen and look at Paris.)

Janeway: You've really done it now Tom.
Paris: ME? This is Seven's fault.
Tuvok: Impact in ten seconds.
Janeway: Fine, whatever. History is just something we play with around here, isn't it?
Torres: Well if you didn't encourage it so much.
Janeway: I've always tried to avoid it.
All: Yeah, right.

(back on the big E, Riker is pacing the bridge.)

Riker: How long have Deanna and Lister been in there?
Data: Two hours, fifteen minutes and seventy two seconds, sir.

(The doors to the conference room open, Lister and Troi come out. Lister is limping and looks exhausted.)

Troi: Eight times, oh wow.
Lister: (panting) No (pant) problems. (to Riker) Where's the other Sliders man?
Riker: I've no idea. Try the holodeck. And a word of advice, stay away from my woman.
Lister: I didn't know you had a woman.
Riker: You've just spent the last couple of hours in there with her.
Lister: She's yours? Does she always do that-?
Riker: Oh yeah. And the-
Lister: Yeah, that kinda hurt the first five times she did it.
Riker: You get used to it. And that thing where she puts her legs-?
Lister: Yeah, oh man I liked that.

(Lister and Riker stand still, with far away looks on their faces. Reminiscing about Troi's skills.)

Riker: Yeah, she's quite a catch. Oh well, Data any luck with the Red Dwarf scans?
Data: I believe I may have some additional information sir.
Riker: Good, we'll hear it in a few minutes.

(back on Voyager, now in Earth orbit. The crew are trying to get back to normal.)

Janeway: (holding head) I can't believe we caused the Titanic to sink.
Paris: At least we survived the experience.
Tuvok: This is not something I wish to place on my resume.
Janeway: I know the feeling. Oh well, what now?
Tuvok: Captain, there is another Shadow vessel and a Minbari vessel approaching each other.
Janeway: Lay in an intercept course. We'll help the mini bar as much as we can.
Tuvok: That's Minbari. Not mini bar.
Janeway: Bar? What's sheep got to do with this?

(on the Enterprise, the crew is now approaching a jumpgate that Red Dwarf is still at. On the bridge, Riker is still in command. Picard walks in.)

Riker: Hail the ship.
Picard: Hello Will.
Riker: Ah, captain, You seem relaxed.
Picard: Yes, it's the personal attention and… physiotherapy that Dr Crusher has been generously giving me.
Riker: Rrrrrirght. Well are you ready to reassume command sir?
Picard: No.
Riker: Good. (pause) What?
Picard: I just came to see how things are, but you seem to have everything under control.

(Picard wanders off.)

Riker: Somewhere, Satan is enjoying his first snowball.
Data: Not to mention is enjoying being the host of the winter Olympics.
Geordi: And having to wrap up warm to prevent catching a chill.
Data: And possibly snow boarding into work.
Trill: Or skiing.

(everyone stays quiet and looks at her.)

Trill: Fine, I'll stay stum then, shall I?
Riker: I wonder what the Sliders are actually doing right now?
Data: From what I understand that Maggie Beckett is supposed to be real easy sir.
Riker: As in easy on the eyes, or easy to get into bed with?
Data: Unknown sir. Possibly both.
Riker: Go and find out, eh?

(Rembrant is seen leaving his quarters, he turns a corner and sees various off duty crew men turn to look at him.)

Crewman: It’s the crying man, man.
Ensign: Oh man, I need to get his autograph.

(Everyone runs towards him, Rembrant takes off. Cut to the luxurious quarters of Maggie. Silks are draped all over the place and she's lying in bed in a really revealing night gown, as usual. Maggie is reading a book of all things.)

Maggie: And… Spot… the (tries to make out the word with difficulty) dog… rolled… over.

(The door chimes and Data walks in. Cut to Quin and Colin's quarters. Quin walks in to find the place wrecked and a mini bar tipped over.)

Quin: Colin?
Colin: HIC!
Quin: where’s Rembrant?

(Cut to Rembrant's quarters. He's not there. Cut to an airlock. Rembrant is suited up and leaving the ship. After a few minutes, he's at the window to the Mallory's quarters. Quin is busy forcing coffee down his brother's throat. Rembrant continues onwards, until he reaches Maggie's bed room window. A close up of Rembrant's face shows that she's up to something unbelievable, even for her.)

Rembrant: Data, what are you up to?

(On the Defiant. Sisko is snoozing in his chair. O'Brian is snoozing at his station. Everyone is asleep, except Bashir.)

Bashir: (to camera) If you wondering why I'm still awake it's because of my genetic enhancements. Lame yes, but it works for me. Now I've set the ship to such a speed that it will arrive at the Enterprise in plenty of time for the crew to get a good nights sleep. Something I could do with myself. But my enhancements have allowed me to fight off fatigue, so I need to take a sedative. Just remember kids, drugs isn't the answer. (injects himself) Drugs is the question. The answer is y-  (Bashir falls asleep)

(back on the station. Quark, Rom and Morn sit around in the bar, drinking.)

Rom: We never get used in these things enough.
Quark: Or if we do, we're just made to look like fools.
Rom: At least we can have deep, philosophical discussions with Morn.
Morn: (belches)

(back on the bridge of the big E, Data walks back in.)

Riker: Well?
Data: Mission successful sir. Miss Beckett is indeed real easy to get into bed with.
Riker: Excellent. I'll show Troi she's not the only one who can have an affair with a more or less total stranger from another dimension and time period.
Data: Sir, Miss Beckett has certain other factors to consider.
Riker: Screw that, I'm off to get me some. (Riker leaves.)
Geordi: What about communicating with the Dwarf?
Trill: We're still having trouble getting through all that static.
Geordi: What are the other factors with Maggie then?
Data: Herpes.

(Voyager, the ship has just helped the Minbari out and are now as per an agreement travelling back to 1917 to deal with the Decepticons and the other shadow vessel.)

Janeway: Well, that was easier then I expected it to be.
Tuvok: With the weaponry of the Minbari it was not surprising that the shadow vessel was defeated with our aid.
Pairs: We're back captain, though I'm really confused now. Why didn't we just get a lift back to our time?
Janeway: Because we're in the B5 universe now.
Paris: Huh? I thought we'd changed time, not dimension.
Janeway: Somehow we must have. Think about it, as we arrived here the last time and travelled through their modified jumpgates, we ended up in their reality. Therefore we must on both this case and the previous case, travelled to their dimension first, but in their past before being sent back to our reality.
Tuvok: And the delta quadrant.
Chakotay: Gee, we sure seem to be explaining a lot of technical stuff today.
Janeway: Just sit there and earn your pay check, pants boy.
Torres: We've found that Decepticon ship, it's just fired on our past selves.
Janeway: Tuvok, fire a photon torpedo at their engines, will you?
Tuvok: Done and done. They've spiralled out of control and crashed into some forest. Shall we pursue?
Janeway: Nah, I've a feeling their meant to be there.
Paris: Look, there's that shadow ship from, well, before we left this time the last time.
Janeway: Follow it.
Paris: Wilco roger.
Janeway: Tom, lose the twentieth century jive talk.

(at the jumpgate, the big E is now in communication with the Red Dwarf. )

Hollister: So your telling me that you’re the crew of the ship we saw before when we arrived here and all that weirdness happened?
Data: Yes sir, our previous ship was destroyed so we were given this one after our captain was court martialled.
Hollister: That's a quick court.
Data: Well, we did have some temporal differences since your arrival here. I shall attempt to explain later.
Riker: (walks in) I'll take it from here Data. I'm commander Riker, first officer, USS Enterprise. (scratches groin.)
Hollister: Hollister, captain Jupiter Mining Corp vessel, Red Dwarf.
Riker: I thought Rimmer was the captain?
Data: He lied sir. A thorough search through their records revealed he was never more then a mere technician.
Riker: That's quite a lie to pull off.
Hollister: Rimmer? You've meet Rimmer? How?
Data: An alternate version sir, it is anyhow a long event to re tell in full, however I-
Hollister: I knew he couldn't be out of jail. Damn. This resurrection story line has everyone off balance here. That and the new look ship.
Riker: (scratching groin very hard) new look ship?
Hollister: Long story. I'd rather explain in detail what we're doing face to face. (a beep goes off) What's that?
Data: Commander, the Decepticons are returning. Weapons on full.
Riker: Crap, is there a way out of here?
Hollister: There's this jumpgate, it leads to a space station apparently. We may be safe there.
Riker: Okay, you go first then, we'll stay here for the time being and cover you.

(shot of space. Scorponok is bearing down on the two ships at a very daunting speed. The pyscho theme plays as it approaches and the camera cut's to random shots at different angles of the vessel. Back to the bridge of the Enterprise.)

Riker: Report?
Geordi: We are so dead, but the Dwarf is going to open the wormh- er, jumpgate now, their going to get away all right.
Riker: Okay, so we just stay here and die?
Data: We really need to use our heavy weapons sir. If only we had something like a pulse phaser array, that would even the odds a little.
Riker: Say, is that the Defiant behind Scorponok?
Data: Negative sir, the cleaning crew has been neglecting their duties again. I will see to the cleaning of the viewscreen once we are safe. If we are safe.
Geordi: Wait, isn't that over there the Defiant?
Data: Oh yes, THAT is.

(as Red Dwarf enters a now open jumpgate, the big E squares off against Scorponok. The Defiant comes screaming across the broadside of Scorponok and hit's it really hard with it's phasers before joining the Enterprise and Dwarf in the jumpgate which closes. Rembrant, still in his space suit goes flying off towards Scorponok as the big E turns away from him. Cut to another shot of space as a Jumpgate opens and a shadow vessel exits, Voyager in pursuit.)

Janeway: Where are we?
Tuvok: Two light years from Babylon 5 according to the data we have.
Torres: That shadow ship is turning on us.
Janeway: Quick, lock on and fire.
Paris: Their turning tail sir.
Janeway: Oh, okay. I wonder what made them run?
Tuvok: We are transmitting picture files to them captain. It is unauthorised and coming from the brig.
Janeway: Put these files on screen. (pause) TAKE THEM OFF!
Kim: I'm going to be sick.
Paris: (covering eyes) oh man, I did not need to see that.
Torres: That's me off sex ever again.
Tuvok: I must warn you all, I was due to go into pon far soon, but this has set my biological clock back another decade.
Chakotay: I have never seen anything like that, even on a vision quest.
Crewman: Someone, burn my eyeballs. PLEASE!
Janeway: Tuvok, delete those pictures of Neelix au natural. And remind me to burn the underwear of mine he tried on. Tom, set in a course.
Paris: Where are we going?
Janeway: You don't know? Well the name of the place, is Babylon five.

(dramatic, tension filled music plays, Torres smiles meekly.)

Torres: Sorry, I was leaning on my console and set off my MP3 collection.

(The old jumpgate. Inside Scorponok, Cyclonus cowers for his life as Galvatron yells at everyone. Finally he points his cannon at his pilot's head.)

Galvatron: OPEN THAT PORTAL THIS MINUTE!
Needlenose: B, b, b, b, but, I c, c, c, c, can't, sir.
Galvatron: NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! (bye, bye Needlenose's head)
Spinster: Oh well, I was sick of wet nursing that wimp. (Galvatron shoots Spinster, killing him.)
Galvaton: NOBODY in THIS Army wet nurses ANY one. Survival of the fittest in THIS army. Now open that portal.
Soundwave: We can open the portal, however the entrance is not large enough for us to pilot Scorponok through.
Galvatron: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (levels gun at Soundwave's head)
Soundwave: However, we may be able to alter it's size ourselves. It is somewhat similar to our space bridge technology.
Galvatron: Make it so. (pause) What? Soundwave, what is that?
Soundwave: That is the time jump device the Autobots had.
Galvatron: Can we use it?
Soundwave: I have wired it into our systems. We can go anywhere in anytime.
Galvatron: So why are we bothering to try to use this portal? Activate the timejump, Cyclonus, I have a job for you.
Scourge: Something just banged off our hull.
Galvatron: Soundwave, dispatch Laserbeck to investigate and if it's something useful, bring it onboard. It's if anther joke about Keanu Reeves floating corpse, or Leo DeCaprio's frozen body displaced here through some inane temporal mechanics, destroy it without mercy.
Soundwave: As you command.

(shot of Space as Laserbeak leaves Scorponok and nabs Rembrant and brings him inside just as the ship enters a time warp. After it exits, Cyclonus is seen leaving in jet mode and entering Earth atmosphere . Back in the Enterprise E, Riker is furiously scratching his groin. Geordi and Data have huge idiot grins kept to themselves that Riker just isn't seeing.)

Riker: Man I get a bad feeling about this.
Geordi: What's the matter sir?
Data: Has your space probe entered difficulties after visiting that wormhole?
Riker: Oh knock it off you perverts. Open a channel to the Defiant.
Trill: Open sir.
Riker: Aren't you supposed to be in my bedroom?
Trill: If you think I'm following that order you can forget it.
Sisko: Am I Interrupting something, commander?
Riker: (scratch) No sir. Thanks for the save by the way.
Sisko: We've met that thing before, we know it's Weak spots.
Riker: How convenient. Next time maybe we can get it blown up?
Sisko: Ah, we'll need Heavier weapons for that. Possibly something on a level with Borg phasers.
Riker: Pity no one's weapons are that advance.

(back on Voyager)

Janeway: Say, how advance are our phasers again?
Tuvok: The borg, One managed to upgrade them to present day Borg levels. Why do you ask?
Janeway: No reason, just had a feeling that we may need them.

(back on the Enterprise. Riker is talking to Troi)

Riker: (scratches himself again) So, you were saying something about a disturbance?
Troi: Yes, I think it might explain why the other Red Dwarf disappeared.
Riker: You mean your going to come up with something useful for once? That's about as likely as me catching an STD. (scratches groin)
Troi: (looks downward) Fine, feel that way if you must, I simply won't tell you that I felt a disturbance at the same time that this Decepticon ship turned up and the Dwarf vanished.
Riker: Their not related at all.
Data: Sir, I have now updated my theories on the disappearance of the Dwarf, I believe it has to do with the appearance of the Decepticon ship.
Riker: (pause) I'm going to have myself checked out in sickbay.

(back in Scorponok, the prison cells. The Autobots are busy talking.)

Rodimus: So, Perceptor, you were saying something earlier?
Perceptor: As you know Rodimus, we have three main continuities to our story lines. The cartoon show, the US comics and the UK comics. Although we are set in an alternate version of the US comics timeframe, merged with cartoon continuity, our time jump equipment comes -like the Primus issue- from the UK comics. Therefore some of the Transfans reading this will be unfamiliar with the idea of the mass exchange issue relating to the use of this equipment, as will anyone not familiar with the original Transformers. (to camera) That’s us, people. (to Rodimus) Especially as this issue was not touched on in the last story to feature us. Now to explain this in the simplest terms, when a person from the future travels to the past, they are placing extra mass, both physically and temporally there. To compensate for this, a completely randomly chosen person of around the same mass is taken away and placed in a state of limbo to prevent the damage that would result in this extra temporal mass. According to my calculations, something very big was taken away from here to compensate for us.

(Perceptor looks round. Only Ultra Magnus and Wreck-Gar are still awake.)

Perceptor: Why are you two the only members of our fellowship to have continued to maintain your active states?
Magnus: We watch late night human education courses on the BBC world service together.
Perceptor: Typical.

(Enterprise, Conference room, Data is explaining the same idea to Riker, Lister and Quin)

Data: Therefore to prevent damage to the structure of this time period, they have been removed to another dimension.
Lister: (cheered up) So me mates aren't dead? Just in some other dimension?
Quin: I'd heard the idea of this, but I've never agreed with the idea of time travel being possible.
Data: But you are currently in the twenty forth century.
Lister: And I'm from three million years in the future. Give or take about two hundred years.
Riker: (to self) This burns.
Data: Commander, I am unfamiliar with that term. To what are you referring?
Riker: (scratches groin) No I mean this burns. I really need to get myself checked out.
Data: Ah, yes, you have been scratching yourself ever since you went to visit Miss Beckett.
Quin: You didn't? You did, didn't you? Don't you know she has herpes?
Riker: (blood drains from face) Scuze me, gotta visit sickbay REAL quick. (Riker leaves in a hurry)
Lister: Just how many people has Maggie slept with?
Quin: God only knows. Properly one per world at least.
Lister: You seen Remy at all?

(cut to hell, Satan and Scrappy Doo look at each other.)

Satan: So, how many people has she been with then?
Scrappy: So many she broke our counter.
Satan: Oh well, whatever, back to the Liam Smith Show for us.

(on board Scorponok, Rembrant is being led away from the airlock by two target masters -human sized aliens in body armour that allows them to transform into guns- until they get to the cells where they dump him. The human sized Decepticon, Rumble is on guard duty.)

Rodimus: Another prisoner?
Rembrant: Yeah, I was taking a space walk and my ship kinda ran out on me. That psycho leader of theirs was about to shoot me, until that robot that looked like a tape deck with a voice like a cylon said he needed my autograph on a few tapes. He recognised me and it turned out he was a fan. I’m in all this trouble because of me trying to get away from my fans. And I owe my fanbase here thanks to that Q guy.
All: ………
Perceptor: … the hell was that about?
Rembrant: Hey, stranger things have happened. But not many.
Rumble: So, you’re the crying man are you?
Krychek: Who are you, and why do you look like a tape that's assumed human form?
Rumble: Because that's my alternate mode is a tape. Now, are you the crying man?
Krychek: No, he is.
Rembrant: That's me. Why do you ask?
Rumble: Are you responsible for this? (turns his back and shows Remy's autograph all over his back) I HATE tattoos. Dad knows that, why he ever got you to sign me I don't know, but by Primus I'm gonna make you pay.
Rembrant: Now wait a minute, I only signed an itty bitty tape. Your seven feet tall for crying out loud.
Rumble: I grow into my robot mode dummy.
Blaster: Oh enough of this already, dudes.

(Blaster hit's his own eject button and sends his tapes -Eject and Rewind- out to fight Rumble, who they subdue in seconds.)

Rodimus: How'd you do that? Get them past the electro bars?
Blaster: Well, there is enough room for the humans to get past, or hadn't you noticed?

(Rembrant and Krychek look at each other sheepishly. Rodimus narrows his eyes.)

Rodimus: Well that's just great now what do we do?
Springer: Oh, I dunno, maybe break loose?
Rodimus: That's a great idea. Hey, Rewind, find the off switch will ya?
Eject: I'm Eject you big dumb idiot.
Rodimus: Whatever, you both look pretty similar to me. Say now we're free what should we do?

(Perceptor, Springer and Blaster slap their faces. Meanwhile, Scorpronok enters Earth orbit, and for some reason, only the MIR space station vanishes. Cyclonus is dispatched in jet mode and enters the atmosphere, destination, FBI headquarters, Washington DC.)

Will things ever be the same again? Why is Voyager going back into the past? Where is Red Dwarf, Enterprise and Defiant heading? Will the Autobots take Scorponok? Is this really the last segment of the Spoof Trek saga? Has Will heard of safe sex?
 
SPOOF TREK IV: THE WRATH OF CONTINUITY
Pre word or "Interview With the Author."

(Crow and David are sitting at a PC)

Crow: Sooooo, why are you not writing anymore Spoof Trek after this?
David: Honest truth? I'm ruining out of ideas.
Crow: Yeah, it shows.
David: Sorry?
Crow: Sorry, got in tune with one of the readers who doesn't like the story.
David: Well they can go screw themselves.
Crow: Er, yeah. So, your running out of ideas?
David: Well yeah. I mean, the other day, I had a great idea for a scene involving Jackie Chan, but I forgot it before I got to my computer.
Crow: Idiot. That would have been priceless.
David: I know, anyhow, on with the preview your seeing.
Spoof Trek IV: THE WRATH OF CONTINUITY.
Part 3: "Lord of the Crossover"
By David "late nighter" Hopper

Guest stars:
The population of Wales and various Australian Sheep farmers, doing their shared favourite thing. To sheep.
The UN chair persons chair.
And the secret Diary of Fox Mulder, accompanied by a red shoe.

Voice: Star Trek is filmed in front of your mother.

Previously: (Galvatron steps up to a podium and takes a microphone)

Galvatron: BWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! Thank you

(The Decepticons look confused)

Cyclonus: Clap you idiots, clap. Clap like you've never clapped before or we're dead.

(Enterprise, sickbay. Riker is siting on a table scratching himself harder then ever before. Crusher walks in.)

Riker: You got anything to help me doc?
Crusher: Of course, I always have something to help the crew. Now here I have the perfect device for currying an STD and preventing it from ever recurring.
Riker: Great, lets see it.

(Crusher holds up a laser scalpel and activates the beam. Riker goes cross-eyed and faints.)

Crusher: That’s, that. Now back to my important patient. (looks at laser scalpel and grins) (seductively) Oh Jean Luc. (skips off)

(the bridge, Data has been watching all that on a monitor.)

Data: It would appear that I am in command.
Quin: That's real nice, but what are you going to do about finding Remy?
Colin: HIC!
Geordi: That kid could do with more coffee.
Data: I am currently running a level one diagnostic on the ships internal sensors. If they turn out to be fully functional, (Geordi rolls his eyes) then I will presume that he has been abducted somehow by the enemy.
Quin: Enemy?
Data: The Decepticons.
Quin: Is that a far right political group here?
Data: Other then the Dominion? Not that I am aware of.
Quin: You really know how to kill my lines, don't you?
Data: Not as well you kill your own with your lack of emoting skills.
Quin: That’s rich coming from you.
Data: I am an Android, I have no emotions.
Quin: You have that chip, right?
Data: It’s turned off.
Quin: Ahh… Forget I said anything.

(Defiant, everyone is busy looking at the viewscreen, taking in the appearance of hyperspace as it passes.)

Worf: I preferred the wormhole.
Bashir: Are we talking about Dax here?

(Worf clips Bashir's ear. On Red Dwarf, the prison level. Hollister is in an interrogation cell with HIS Lister, Kryten, Cat, Kochanski and Rimmer.)

Hollister: Okay folks, let me see if I've got this right. You claim never to have met these characters, even though they know you?
Lister: That's right man.
Rimmer: Indubitably.
Cat: I hate to agree with goal post head…
Kryten: Sir, he isn't that Rimmer.
Cat: Oh no, this is the resurrected one isn't it?
Kochanski: Nuh huh.
Hollister: Well that fit's with what they said. Damn, I hate being around you people. I always get a head ache the size of Jupiter.

(On board Voyager, where another captain can sympathises with headaches that large.)

Paris: We're here people.
Tuvok: (very sarcastic) Oh joy.
Janeway: Open hailing frequencies.
Sheridan voice/com: For the last time Susan, U-571 is NOT an accurate portrayal of World War Two. For a start the code was cracked BEFORE the Americans joined the war.
Janeway: Ahem.
Sheridan: What the? (pause) What the hell kinda ship is that?
Ivonava voice/com: Oh boy. Captain, remember that incident I told you about while you were gone on the shadow home world? This is the same ship.
Sheridan: Why is the jumpgate opening? There's no traffic scheduled.

(The Jumpgate opens, the Enterprise, Defiant and Red Dwarf all scream into the local system causing a trade ship to swerve and honk it's horn.)

Narn freighter pilot: ASSHOLES!
Janeway: Lets just hope we don't see the Borg and Shadows team up again.
Paris: Er, captain, the Borg were assimilating the Shadows.
Janeway: They still teamed up with each other.
Paris: AFTER they were assimilated.
Janeway: Whatever.
Tuvok: We're being hailed by the Enterprise.
Data: Greetings, I am lieutenant Commander Data, acting captain USS Enterprise.
Janeway: I know that, your face is on several Starfleet stamps.
Chakotay: Yeah, I showed her my collection after dinner in her room.

(the crews on both starfleet ships start wolf whistling.)

Chakotay: We didn't get up to anything.
Paris: (utter disgust hidden by his tactfulness) You sad little man.

(meanwhile in Scorponok, the Autobots are all in vechile mode -except Blaster and Perceptor who are in their robot modes and inside Rodimus Primes trailer section, and Grimlock whose in Robot mode and riding Wreck-Gar whose in bike mode- and are charging round the tight narrow corridors, knocking over Decepticons and other drones. They stop off at a weapon locker, take some guns, machine gun down a wall and end up in a cargo bay where they steal a shuttle and warp off to the jumpgate, only to find that since their not only in a different time zone, but a different section of space, it isn't even there. Pereceptor makes another point though.)

Perceptor: Should we not have acquired the device needed to facilitate our travel plans back to our own home dimension?
Magnus: What did he say?
Springer: (pauses while strangling Rodimus) He said don't we need the time jump?
Rodimus: I knew there was something I'd forgotten. Okay, turn us around. It's not like we can do anything in the wrong space and time.

(The Autobots groan, turn the ship around and promptly get recaptured. Back in the prison cell. Galvatron can be heard laughing as he leaves their cell.)

Magnus: If we get out of this, I'm going to try to start a new democratic faction of my own.
Springer: But your every bit as incompetent as Rodimus is.
Rodimus: Hey!
Springer: Well would you follow him?
Rodimus: We followed him until I took over.
Springer: Yeah, yeah why did you take over, anyhow?
Rodimus: Because I have the Matrix, I am the chosen one.
Springer: So you find a major religious artefact and you suddenly think your leadership material?
Arcee: Oh, the boys are getting tough.
Rodimus: Oh, I suppose next your going to remind everyone that I got Optimus Prime killed.

(the Autobots all blink at this)

Springer: Wha? What are you saying?
Rodimus: I'm the one that Megatron used as a shield to stop Prime killing him, and after he made Prime into Swiss cheese he threw me aside like scrap. But it’s okay because I got my hands on the Matrix after Galvatron stole it from Magnus and Optimus gave me his blessings in a voice over from the afterlife while I used the power of the matrix to light our darkest hour. Oh and destroy Unicron as well.
Springer: That's it, gimme that Matrix. (tries to rip the Matrix out of Rodimus's chest and an electric shock fries Springer's hands.) Oww! What the hell?
Rodimus: I got sick of people doing that, so I made a few alterations.
Springer: You may have the Matrix, but I have something you'll never have.
Rodimus: Please don't tell me you have a fanbase.
Springer: Okay, I have two things you don't have. Not to mention the respect of the other Autobots. Three things that you don't have.
Magnus: But that's just because you give pictures of Arcee out with no servo plates on.
Arcee: What? Well, if that's the case, you now only have two things that he doesn't. (goes over to Rodimus and kisses him passionately. Rodimus's eyes pop out with the word "tilt" on each of them.)
Grimlock: Me Grimlock think you Springer lose something else now as well as babe.
Blaster: Yeah, if I can't have those pictures of Arcee and the spanner you are in deep trouble mister.
Magnus: Spanner?
Blaster: (makes upwards gestures with his right hand)
Magnus: Ewe.
Rodimus: AIR! AIR!
Krychek: Your robots, you don't need no air.
Rembrant: But we do- who cut the cheese?
Pereceptor: Cheese?
Krychek: You know, farting. The thing your not supposed to do near naked flames?
Pereceptor: Hmm, with that information I believe I may have formulated a plan to facilitate our escape.
Everyone: What?
Pereceptor: (thinks for a second,) I have a jailbreak plan. Grimlock, breathe here, Mr Krychek, Mr Brown - and trust me, you are going to live up to that name - bend over and fart on his laser flame breath.
Rembrant: Suddenly I'm getting very afraid here.
Krychek: Oh don't worry, they can do amazing things with prosthetics these days.

(on the Enterprise, Quin is talking to Geordi.)

Quin: So have you looked at the timer?
Geordi: (turns off a monitor displaying showering female ensigns) Yeah, I looked at it, then I put it back down again.
Quin: Soooooo… you haven't tried to fix it?
Geordi: Well, I could put it in the replicater I suppose, scan it and make a new one.
Quin: You do that, eh? (walks away) What an idiot.

(shot of space, Babylon 5, shuttles from the Enterprise, Voyager, Red Dwarf and the Defiant are cueing up to get in. On Data's shuttle, Data, Troi, Lister and an extra are sitting around in the cockpit as they approach Babylon 5.)

Lister: Tom was right when he said they make this smeging approach too difficult. Who in their right mind would build a rotating docking section? Which idiot came up with THAT idea?
Troi: Why didn't we just use our transporters anyhow?
Data: Those systems are off line, on all ships that used the hyperspace tunnel, we have found that any system that neglects to follow the laws of physics are non operational.
Troi: Shesash, in that case shouldn't our ship have fallen in on itself?
Lister: But Voyager warped here.
Data: Voyager has been here before and has sensor information from that incident that allows them to alter their technobabble appropriately. Besides, their borg has adapted so many systems they can do pretty much anything now.
Ensign: Okay, here we go. Docking sequence initiated.
Troi: No tractor beam?
Ensign: No sir, they don't exist here, at least humans don’t have them. But I've had plenty of practise at doing this sort of docking procedure.
Troi: Sans tractor beam?
Ensign: Yes sir.
Troi: On a rotating docking bay?
Ensign: Er, no sir.
Troi: (pause) I'm off to write my will. (works quickly on a terminal)

(Various shots of the different ships trying to land. The Enterprise shuttle makes it in, scrapping a nacelle off the floor of the docking bat. The Defiant shuttle (crewed by Sisko, Worf, Odo and Bashir) makes it in perfectly, courtesy of Bashir, who smiles at the camera as he does it blindfolded. His teeth does that tinkle thing as well. Voyagers shuttle (Janeway, Torres, Kim and Paris) makes it in as well alright, Paris not one to be outdone has been doing it while standing on his head. He turns to the camera and does the tinkle thing with his teeth too Now it's Starbug's turn. Kryten turns to the camera, and breaks down in sheer panic as Rimmer comes in and starts barking instructions at him.)

Janeway: I've seen them dock before, even if it was an alternate crew. Get the hell out of here.

(the docking bay is cleared as Starbug comes in waaaaay too fast, bounces off the floor, rebounds off the ceiling, smashes off a support column and scythes through the starfleet shuttles one by one.)

Zack: And we'd just painted that floor too.
Paris: I knew there was a good reason to not take the Delta Flyer today.
Torres: We were still unpacking it of all the stuff the captain bought on the mall planet.
Paris: (stretches his back) I know, I know.
Janeway: Well as the senior starfleet officer here, I will assume command of this little group.
Sisko: Now wait Just a minute. My show has been Around longer then Yours has. I should Be in Command.
Janeway: Yes, but you didn't get your captains pin until after my show started, therefore I hold rank.
Torres: (nudges Paris) Yeah, Ensign.
Troi: Then I'm second in command.
Worf and Odo: WHAT?
Troi: I hold the rank of commander. I have bridge experience, I can fly the ship.
Worf: Badly.
Troi: There's nothing wrong with my driving.
Worf: You crashed the ship. Into a planet.
Troi: It was only a small dint.
Data: You wrote it off.
Troi: Doesn't matter, I still outrank you.
Data: I am the second officer of the Enterprise. I outrank you in our hierarchy through that manner.
Troi: You wanna be the boss of me again? Get your own command droid boy.
Zack: Er folks.
Torres: Sh, this is getting interesting.
Zack: Bu-
Paris: Ten bucks says Data losses it.
Bashir: Not likely, he has no -
Data: Sod you bitch.
Bashir: Emotions?
Janeway: (grabs them both by their ears) Now quiet, the pair of you.
Paris: That's ten bucks you owe me.
Bashir: I never made a bet.
Paris: Ohhh, flip.
Janeway: This bickering is pointless. Captain Sisko will be second in command.
Sisko: About Time. I was about to Introduce my Fists to that argument.
Data: It is unlikely you could ever physically overcome me sir.
Worf: (whispers something to Data.)
Data: (shocked) Ahem, yes, well. I'll leave you to it. (with a lot of brown tongue work) Sir.
Sisko: Bout time Too. (walks off with the theme to Shaft playing as he goes.)
Paris: That Sisko is one bad mother-
Worf, Bashir and Odo: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Paris: Hey, I'm only talking about the Sisko.
Odo: (re bad ass Sisko) I've always wanted to say that. Ever since I first met him I've wanted to say that.
Zack: He's not another one of the ones is he?
Torres: Is he one what?
Zack: Okay, nothing, forget it.
Torres: How's Marcus by the way?
Zack: You the chick that beat him up?
Torres: Yeah.
Zack: Remind me not to piss you off. I've seen his bruises. He still has them and it's been a few months since you were here.
Torres: How's his leg?
Zack: There's nothing wrong with his leg.
Torres: (suggestive) Inner leg.
Zack: I- oh, I've no idea. (pause) You didn't damage him, did you?
Torres: I don't think so. I only strung him up by the-
Zack: I know, I pulled him down from the lighting array you pushed him through head first.
Paris: (smiling) That's my B'Ellana.
Worf:  A true Klingon woman.
Torres: Watch it pal.

(meanwhile on another ship where very kinky things very rarely ever get to be going on, we see a shot of the Enterprise E, rocking from side to side, on the Defiant's viewscreen. Kira is looking at this strange movement.)

Kira: Chief, what in the hell is going on over there?
O'Brian: Oh, it's probably Captain Picard finally giving Doctor Crusher a good seeing to. About time really.
Ezri: Yeah, that looks like about twenty years of wanting lust being unleashed there.
Kira: By the prophets, you humans really are weird, aren't you?
Ezri: Damn, did I forget to put my spots on? Again?

(meanwhile, or rather in another time -just a bit into the future- and place -the same universe actually, just another section of it- Cyclonus delivers his prisoners to Galvatron.)

Mulder: Oh man, not you again.
Galvatron: Have we met human?
Mulder: I helped the Autobots trash you on my world back in 1999.
Galvatron: Impossible, I was not recreated in this body until 2005.
Mulder: Never heard of Time Travel?
Galvatron: How do you think I got you here? Take him away.
Cancerman: Yes, take him away.
Mulder: You? I should have known.
Scully: I have just one question.
Galvatron: Oh very well. What is it?
Scully: Where's the rest room? Travel makes me need to go.
Starscream: Why am I tormented like this?
Galvatron: Silence. Soundwave, increase the volume on the Barry Manalow greatest hits tape that we have pumping into that cube of his.
Soundwave: What about the large enemy fleet outside us master?
Galvatron: Enemy fleet?
Soundwave: They've been requesting our surrender for five minutes. Some human keeps making a long, quite impressive speech about why we should.
Galvatron: Bwah, activate the timejump, get us out of here. Oh, and how did the Autobots find the anti flame equipment we have setup to prevent escape in their cell?

(inside the Brig on Scorponok, the freshly recaptured Autbots are still feeling resentful to each other. Or rather their leader. Mulder and Scully get thrown in. Krycheck and Rembrant are looking rather singed.)

Rodimus: You lot again?
Mulder: Actually by bad writing I'm not the Mulder who has experienced your help in attempting to find out who kills myself and Scully in ten years time from our point of view. But due to a strange tape delivered to me, I know of those events that transpired.
Rodimus: (grinding his teeth) Yeup, I'm going to blow a logic board here.
Springer: You mean you haven't already?
Grimlock: You need logic board before it can blow up.
Arcee: Let me fix it for you Roddy.
Springer: RODDY?!
Rodimus: Hey, why do you think I used to be called Hot Rod?
Springer: "Used to be" being the operative words there.

(back inside the bridge of Scorponok, after succesfully timejumping away from danger, Galvatron has just received a communiqué from a potential ally, while another he's already made sits seductively at one side. It is of course…)

Borg Queen: So, what do ya think big boy?
Galvatron: Interesting. Tell me, why does every major limb on your body come off? Are you by chance an creature that has met an alternate version of me, annoyed me, and had me carry out the threat to rip you apart limb from limb that I'm always threatening to use?
Queen: No, it pulls in the ratings, the audience are always wondering how I'm going to beat my last entrance. (whispers) Some of the guys find it really kinky.
Soundwave: Somehow, having the limbs waltz in here by themselves while making the Borg drones play American football with your head, doesn't really impress.
Galvatron: Don't mind him my dear, he's got no artistic bones in him.
Queen: Figures. Mind if I start improving your ship somewhat?
Galvatron: Don't see why not, this ship was Built by an Idiot anyhow. (the borg drones start assimilating the bridge. Lord Zarak –another Nebulan- walks in.)
Zarak: Hey, what do you think your doing to my ship?
Galvatron: Quiet Zarak.
Zarak: That's Lord Zarak to you. I only happened to build this damn thing. You could at least ask before you go around making changes to it.
Queen: Shall I assimilate him for you? Considering he's already a cyborg it will be quick to do. But painful. Besides, I've always wanted a drone that sounded like Vincent Price.
Zarak: (backs away) Careful, my lady. Just as your mind controls the Borg collective, so does my mind control every single aspect of this battle station. Including the very large gun behind you.

(the Borg Queen looks behind her at a gun large enough to blow Galvatron apart with one hit.)

Queen: Interesting. (she looks from Galvatron to Zarak. Her eyes narrow and take on quite a pleasant look) It would appear that we are similar beings.
Zarak: Two of a kind.
Queen: Indeed, tell me more of your technology, and I may just… show you some of mine.

(Lord Zarak and the Borg Queen leave, holding hands. Smitten.)

Galvatron: I don't believe I just saw that.
Soundwave: Neither do I.
Galvatron: Tell me, what have you gathered about these Borgs that we may be able to use?
Soundwave: As you command.
Galvatron: Quit saying that. You sound too much like a cylon anyhow. Going around saying something that sounds very similar to their catchphrase is likely to get us into deep do dah, legally.
Soundwave: As yo- ahem. The Borg are a race of organic beings with technological parts attached to or replacing some organic parts. They have no single mind, save for the Queen who is in control of them all.
Galvatron: Wait. Did you say they were organic beings? Like humans?
Soundwave: Er, yes?
Galvatron: Damn, that makes them no better then those filthy Nebulans like Zarak. No wonder she went off with him. Up to their filthy organic reproduction activities I'll bet. So messy, so unessercery, so goey.
Soundwave: Perhaps she heard that he was a headmaster and misunderstood the meaning?
Galvatron: That's it, no more relationships with women for me. I mean, look at you. One night of lust, you lose your personality and your struggling to bring up six kids on the measly little wage I pay you for being one of my loyalist cronies. One of those tapes isn't even your own anyhow. You can't keep taking in those strays, even if you do have a nice large sub space compartment to store them all in.
Soundwave: I have never had a personality. How can anyone have a personality with a voice like this? And since when did you care?
Galvatron: BWAAAH! I don't.

(Meanwhile -rather a few hours earlier then the preceding events- inside one of the thousands of bars on Babylon 5, the various crews have met up, except the Red Dwarf crew. Sheridan strolls up to the group.)

Sheridan: Hi, I'm Captain John Sheridan, this is Susan Ivonhava, my first.
Lister: Your first?

(the men all snigger)

Sheridan: (catches on) I've been married before you know, Susan is just-
Lister: Eye candy?
Bashir: (interrupting) You've been married, and you've never done it with them?
Sisko: If you've Been married before, how can She be your First?
Odo: I find that suspicious.
Worf: I find it to be a sign of inadequacy.
Ensign: Or a sign of impotence maybe?
Paris: I thought she was supposed to be a lesbian?
Kim: What's a lesbian?

(the men all sigh as Kim kills the already dying joke completely.)

Sheridan: I meant she was my first officer on this station.
Sisko: Yes, My first officer on My station is a Woman too.
Sheridan: Well she won't have a temper like Susan's.
Sisko: Temper? You should see Bajorans lose their tempers.
Sisko & Sheridan: (looking at each other) Hmmm.
Sheridan: Does she have red hair? (Sisko nods) Weird, anyone would think we were copying each other or something.

(Sisko and Sheridan laugh, and then eye each other with deep suspicion)

Janeway: Where's the Red Dwarf crew?
Lister: Yeah man, I want to see this alternate crew.
Sheridan: Well most of them are in medlab, recovering from the crash, but there are two members here to see you.
Lister: Great. Who?
Hollister: LISTER!!!!!
Lister: Captain Hollister? How?
Rimmer: We were resurrected.
Lister: Rimmer? Your alive?
Hollister: Lister, I told you to wait in Red Dwarf. I took Kryten, Rimmer and Kochanski with me since their the only ones out of your motley gang who knows these people that I vaguely trust. What are you doing here?
Lister: I got here with the sliders. I'm from an alternate dimension.
Data: Allow me to interject.
Hollister: Whatever.
Data: Captain Hollister, you have never met me, nor any other member of Starfleet sitting here, nor the Earth Alliance representatives present?
Hollister: Starfleet? Earth Alliance? Never heard of them.
Data: And you Mr Rimmer?
Rimmer: Can't say I have.
Lister: How could you forget them? The trouble with the polymorphs we had on Voyager and DS9? How could you forget?
Data: Mr Lister, quiet please. I believe I know what has happened. You remember there was another Red Dwarf present as you arrived? (Hollister nods) That Red Dwarf was swarmed with tacheyon particles as you arrived, the universe simply couldn't stand having two Red Dwarfs. Add to that the presence of the Decepticons who should not be in this time period either according to the sensor scans I took of their vessel.
Janeway: We've bumped into groups of Decepticons in Earth's past, in both the late twentieth and early twentieth century on separate occasions.

(everyone thinks about Janeways bad grammar there, and finally understands)

Data: Indeed, they would appear to either have access to, or have stumbled along a means of time travel. What is not generally known about time travel is that it causes a side effect on causality. It increases the temporal mass already present. To counter this, something of a similar mass must be removed, temporally to account for this additional mass. For instance during the year two thousand, the MIR space station vanished for no apparent reason while a small Decepticon vessel of similar proportions was seen in orbit. It was quickly covered up of course.
Lister: So what your saying is that if you take a fat bastard from next year, and bring him into this year you'd have to get rid of another fat bastard from this year to let him in?
Data: (pause) Yes.
Janeway: So what happens when that… fat bastard leaves?
Data: The… fat bastard that had to leave comes back. Personally I prefer my older theory.
Sisko: And That is?
Worf: This could take some time.

(Data starts to explain in detail his other theory. The camera pans across to a table where G'kar and Londo are busy staring at each other.)

G'kar: I'm going to kill you.
Londo: Not if I kill you first, eh?

(G'kar and Londo stare at each other, teeth bared, snarling, they both dive forward, grab their beers and try to out drink the other first. Neither manages it.)

Janeway: So your saying that you believe the Red Dwarf that went missing may have gone because it should never have existed?
Hollister: That my Red Dwarf is the proper Red Dwarf and that my ships arrival destroyed the old Red Dwarf's claim to reality?
Data: I call it the "Wrath of continuity effect". Or the drawback of writing fanfic in general. You never know what direction your chosen show is going to take, and your story ideas, no matter how good or bad they may be, end up breaking established continuity, thus making no sense in the long run. It happens to the best fanfics.
Lister: So that means you lot have your own Lister, and my crew are dead? Then why am I here?
Data: Your continued presence does tend to ruin my "continuity" theory, which is why I'm sticking to my time travel and mass theory.
Lister: Smeg, what am I going do?
Rimmer: You could touch your alternate, see if the two of you blow up or something.
Hollister: (warningly) Rimmer. Get lost, get back to… medlab.
Rimmer: Yes sir. (does his rather sarcastic version of his own salute, the "double Rimmer" -involving both arms being held aloft and the hand rotated five times- Rimmer leaves)
Hollister: I HATE that salute, I really, really hate it.
Troi: Are we going to get anymore lines?
Torres: I dunno, I guess the writer forgot we're here.
Paris: Shh, the science guys are talking.
Torres: Science guys? Then what am I?
Paris: (pause, worried) Er, a science chick?
Lister: So, I'm just a spare Lister? No use? No purpose?
Sisko: Can you Think of Anything that might explain why your still here?
Lister: No, not really. Except…
Sheridan: Yes?
Lister: I'm my own father, which means that Kochanski is my mother as well as my girlfriend.

(everyone looks at Lister with looks of "he's nuts" on their faces)

Hollister: I thought you two had split before our crew was killed?
Lister: It's complicated. But when we met her from her alternate reality, I finally figured out who my parents were. I'm a holding pattern, keeping the human race around still while the rest of humanity is gone. Of course with a ship full of people, we kind of still have a species anyhow, but I'm still there as a circle kinda thing.
Data: I shall have to add that data to my theory and work on it for awhile.
Ensign: Okay, I'm too drunk to understand that.
Bashir: Me too.
Odo: Me three.
Bashir: You don't drink.
Odo: I gave myself a stomach, who cares?
O'Brian: HIC!
Londo and G'kar: (singing, drunkenly) Oh yes those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end…
Lister: Maybe I should just stick to sliding with Quin and co.
Data: Since Mr Brown is missing they have an opening for a black man to act as comic relief.
Lister: Er, no thanks, I don't want to get typecast. Besides we might rescue him.

(a horrible whirling noise is heard, like a key being ran down the wires of a grand piano as a blue police box materialises in the bar. Doctor Who (special guest, Rowan Atkinson) steps out and heads towards Lister.)

Dr Who: Greetings, I am the Doctor.
Kim: Dr Who?
Who: No, just Doctor thank you.
Paris: (thinks all the way back to Space: Behind and Between) Now I get it. (pause) That joke just isn't funny.
Who: Whatever, I'm looking for a David Lister?
Lister: I'm a David Lister.
Who: (looks at Lister quizzically) Really? Good grief. Well, it's my duty to inform you that you have performed one of three things needed in order to become a time lord like myself.
Lister: A time lord? Me? You kidding?
Who: (darkly) I wish I was.
Lister: Whoah, smeg. Is that me destiny? What are the perks?
Who: Next best thing to immortality, a plethora of babes in every timezone you go to, and a time machine stuck in the shape of your choice. Get up to your seventh life, and you can have it gothically redesigned and have it put back to normal on your ninth life like I did.
Lister: Can it be a guitar?
Who: It has to be something that you can clamber into.
Lister: A woman?
Who: Be serious.
Lister: I am serious.
Who: Just what do you want to do with your life? Mess around all the time, drink large amounts of Alchol, kill your last taste bud with chicken vindaloos, smoke your lungs to oblivion and never get anywhere?
Lister: Yeah.
Who: (cutting in) No, and presuming you like your kneecaps as they are, what do you really want?
Lister: I've always just wanted to get back to Earth.
Who: You've made all the wrong choices then. This is a chance to get back to Earth, you can go back and take up your life right where you left it before you wandered into that space port while rat arsed.
Lister: So I can go back to my twenty forth birthday, London Monopoly board pub crawl?
Who: (sighs) Yes.
Lister: What if I don't want to?
Who: Then don't accept my offer. It's that simple, just don't try to piss me off anymore then you already have.
Lister: Okay, your on.
Who: Good, all you have to do is pass three tests. You've already passed the first, surviving the collapse of a universe as your has by now, now you just have to save this one from a similar fate.
All: WHAT?
Q: (appears in a flash of light) You've messed this up, Who, allow me, the almighty Q to answer this.
Sheridan: What in the damn, Sam Hill Hell is going on here Mister? Who’s Q? Is Q who? Whose this Who and whose Q?
Q: You always take so long to ask questions?
Sheridan: Yes, I do, why take the easy route when you can take the hard route? That's one of the lessons my daddy taught me, and by god, with him as my witness, I'll do my best to live up to that.

(everyone looks at Sheridan, various looks of disgust, humour and confusion all round.)

Q: (pause) Why indeed. Anyhow… The Decepticons and their new allies are likely to damage this universe further with their presence when they arrive here from the Trek universe.
Janeway: Their coming here?
Sisko: We're in another Reality? (looks around) How come I can't see the Prophets?
Bashir: Different reality sir, not the Prophets home.
Q: Their coming here yes, The Decepticons, the Borg, The Dominion/Cardassian/Breen alliance, possibly the shadows. Along with two certain FBI agents and their two most deadly enemies around about now I think. Or at least, Galvatron has gone back in time and sent one of his cronies of to get them right now. But rest assured, they are heading back here to kill you all.
Janeway: Mulder, Scully and Cancerman, one of the other reasons I quit smoking.
Data: Intriguing, why can you not send them back to their own realities?
Q: Who said I couldn't?
Troi: Your always trying to get us to do things you can't do, besides, I sense panic, coming form you.
Q: Me? Panic?
Sheridan: Yes, you, who do you think she was talking about? You’re the only person whose mind she's reading.
Q: Bah, I could turn you all into frogs. How dare you doubt me? Q!
Paris: Frogs? Been there, done that.
Torres: And the captain.
Q: You got to her before I could? You bastard.
Janeway: You never got to me Q. I stood my ground.
Torres: Yeah, in the Delta quadrant.
Sheridan: Look, I don't know about you people, but I think that now is a time for action. Not words. We need to stand a line against this menace, force these people to go back to their own time and realities, the sake of this reality is at stake here. We're talking about the lively hoods of millions of innocents here.
Worf: Your reality, not ours. I vote we leave here and leave them to their deaths.
Paris: You are one hell of a coward pal.
Worf: If you were any other man, I would- say, I don't know you, do I?
Paris: Er, no. But I have a half Klingon girlfriend here, does that offer me any protection?
Worf: Half Klingon? Half? (sobs) K'Ehlery! (sobs) Taken from me. (sobs) Jadzia! Taken from me. (runs off crying)
Paris: (shocked) Was it something I said?
O'Brian: It was EVERYTHING you said. Git.
Sheridan: Look, are you going to help us out here? We need all the help we can get to deal with this menace. We need to pool together, fight them off, because it's not just a thing to do, it's the right thing to do, and we owe it to everyone, not just in this reality, but the realities these villains come from. We owe it to them and we owe it to ourselves. We have to stand the line, and end this. Now.
Data: We are unable to leave this reality ourselves, we will need to acquire the technology that the Decepticons developed to get home ourselves.
Janeway: So in other words, we're staying. Which means we get to fight. And use our Borg level phasers against those creeps.
Data: You have Borg weaponry? Then your trip to the Delta quadrant is indeed useful. When you return to the Federation the improved weaponry will indeed be useful.
Janeway: And the scientific knowledge of several hundred new species?
Data: That too. I guess.
Torres: And any technology we may get from this reality too.
Sheridan: I think it might be best if the command staff here get together in my office and plan our strategy. We need to review everything we know about these creatures. Weapons, defences, tactics.
Data: We have not witnessed any sign of actual tactics being applied by the Decepticons.
Sisko: Yes, when We encountered Them, they seemed to use a Fire and forget strategy. Everything felt like it was Random.
Lister: Sounds kinda like the days of Kirk, eh?
Kim: Gee, I hope we don't get them here as well. If we get one more group of people from another timezone and reality who knows what may happen?
Sheridan: Tell you what, lets get the command element to my office, eh?
Paris: And the rest of us?
Sheridan: Check out the station, careful of brown section though. That's the most dangerous section of the station. (pause) Especially after all that… shit turned up there.
Ensign: We could leave Mr Kim there.
Paris: Hey, if anyone's going to leave my best friend in a dangerous situation, it's gonna be me.
Kim: Thanks. I think.

(Sheridan's office. Sheridan, Ivonava, Data, Troi, Sisko, Janeway, Q, Dr who, Hollister and Lister for some reason are all there talking tactics.)

Sheridan: Hmm, so we have a massing fleet of enemy vessels somewhere in another time heading this way? (a pause) I knew I shouldn't have gotten Kosh killed like that. Now we have to put up with that new Vorlon who won't even answer my calls cryptically.
"Kosh": (walks in and turns to them) *birdchime* A stitch in time saves nine *dentist drill*
Sheridan: …okay, that's more cryptic then normal.
Sisko: Just What did that mean?
Troi: I've no idea, but I'd like to know why he makes those stupid noises every time he starts talking.
Data: Prehaps it is some sort of mating call?

(everyone looks at Data)

Data: Then again, maybe not.
Janeway: Wait, I've got it, we've got to make a pre-emptive strike.
Data: Attack them first?
Hollister: Red Dwarf can't help you all here, we've no external weapons. We'd just be a target.
Who: And I'm just an observer.
Q: Me too. But this is where you come in Mr Lister.
Lister: Me? Smeg.
Q: Wait until you see who your up against.
Sheridan: Okay, here's what we do. Red dwarf will stay here with Babylon five, the Enterprise, Voyager and the Defiant will team up with a small fleet of White Star ships and some of our larger protection vessels. They ought to be enough to keep the station safe while we attack these characters.
"Kosh": (walks back in) *Pigeon coo* Oportunity is a dish best consumed when served *Bird mating call*
Ivonava: No, that's a mating call.
Sheridan: Hmm, according to the information Q and the Doctor gave us, the Decepticons should be arriving at these co-ordinates in three hours. Theres no need to use hyperspace, even Red Dwarf could be there in time if it set off now.
Hollister: But we have no weapons. We'd be a target.
Janeway: The compostion of the hull of Red Dwarf is incredibly thick, so long as you keep people away from the more vunerable areas of the hull, and keep those areas locked up, everyone would be safe.
Sheridan: We could use Red Dwarf as a launching ground, store the StarFurries in there until we get in range.
Sisko: And we Could use Red Dwarf as Cover if the enemy turns out to Have any Fighter craft of their Own.
Hollister: Do I get to have a say in this?
Sheridan + Janeway + Sisko: No.

(G'Kar wanders in, very drunk. He bumps into the doorframe, a table, "Kosh" and finally falls down in front of Lister who helps him to his feet.)

G'Kar: *HICK* sluuurgh, why heeello everyone. Now if you could all stay still while I try to get my bearrings.
Sheridan: Good grief, G'Kar what have you had to drink?
G'Kar: (thinks) I forgot.
Lister: (sniffs G'Kar's breath) Two pints of larger, a sherry, two shots of whiskey, a treble vodka, a pint of Guiness, four large pots of black coffee and… a polo mint? You trying to hide something man?
G'Kar: Hey, Johny boy, whatcha doing?
Sheridan: We're planing an attack.
G'Kar: On the shadows?
Sheridan: No, on another enemy that may be even worse.
G'Kar: Saaaaay, that's a not a nice thing to do. (pause) Would you like me to get some of my Narn ships in to help you?

(on board Scorponok, and in a slighty different time period in the Babylon 5 universe, Cyclonus is looking at a chronometer, as the last few seconds tick away, he covers his ears. Galvatron walks in screaming and laughing maniacally)

Galvatron: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH HA HA HA!
Starscream: Bang on time I see. Hah, you could set your watch by him.
Galvatron: Silence Spark, my forces are just about Complete, now that we are in the Same Universe as those starships we encountered earlier, and we've managed to Align ourselves with various other Races of the different Timezones and Realties we've met up with over our Shorter than Expected Journey. Allies, Reveal Yourselves!
Cancerman: (smoking) hi there, I'm the head of an Earth based conspiracy to keep the truth out there.
Galvatron: (confused) Whatever, NEXT!
Borg Queen: Hmm, I'm the Borg Queen, and I must say, that man who sounds like Vincent Price, quite a guy. Loved that, dildometer of his. Very useful.
Galvatron: I'm Not interested in that, Damnit. NEXT!
Dukat: I'm Gul Dukat, I'm not REALLY a bad person, I've just had to do some bad things in my life that I sincerely regret.
Galvatron: GAH! I don't care about any remorse's you might have. Who else is here?
Founder: Me, and the breen.
Breen: *%£$*%£$^"*$%^($%"^*%^*"£$*%^(
Galvatron: …….whatever. And together we will wipe out our enemies, and control the universe. All we have to Do now is find that fleet that attacked us while Cyclonus was bringing Murmour and Scullery here to us.

(Cyclonus sighs and covers his head)

Soundwave: Galvatron, communication from another potential ally.
Kromag voice/com: Hello, we're the Kromags, we want in on this conquer the universe thing you've got going.
Galvatron: So long as your not more Damned dirty Apes, your fine with Me.
Kromag: Ah, we might have a problem there.
Dukat: I mean I tried to rule fairly, but the Bajorans didn't seem to understand my position, they took it as a sign of weakness and tried to exploit my benevolent disposition.
Starscream: Is this guy full of himself or what?
Dukat: What? I'm not entitled to having my own opinion about my deeds? What you've got to understand about it is that Bajorans are not a very inteligent species. When you try to take over them, er I mean their responsiblities, the management so to speak, they seem to suddenly believe their being persicuited.
Queen: From what I understand you kept their people in abject povity and in slave labour, executed any of them that turned against you and fathered as many iligitimate children as you could.
Dukat: So? What's wrong with that?
Cancerman: Except that you seem to think you were doing them a favour? Nothing. (to self) Asshole.
Dukat: But we took care of them.
Queen: You put them in badly ventilated mines and forced them to do all the hard manual labour for you. They were underfed and tortured.
Cancerman: I'll bet you had them lined up against walls and shot at random too. Ten of them for every one of you.
Dukat: We were their masters, we could do whatever we liked to them.
Starscream: Sorry, I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I just can't get my head that far up my ass.
Dukat: Not suprising. You don't even have a body.
Starscream: Bah.
Dukat: Besides, I did nothing you three wouldn't have done if you were in my postion.
Starscream + Borg Queen + Cancerman: True.
Galvatron: WILL YOU PEOPLE JUST SHUT UP?! IF YOU DON'T I'LL CRUSH YOU ALL WITH MY BARE HANDS! I WILL RIP OUT YOUR OPTICS, TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB, AND THEN FEED YOUR STILL LIVING REMAINS TO BLOT.

(All eyes fall on Blot, a particularly disgusting Decepticon currently in animal mode, that's busy drooling various corrosive liquids out of what must be it's mouth. Not that it matters since he's based on a completely mythological creature.)

Blot: *snort* dur, hi folks.
Dukat: Ah yes, that reminds me of a Bajoran worker I had to make an example of. We used liquids quite like that to burn off his-
Galvatron: ENOUGH!

(In an earlier timezone in the same universe, Babylon 5, various shuttlecraft from the station are traveling to the Federation ships and Red Dwarf, ferrying their crew members back since their ships were all destroyed thanks to Krytens lack of piloting skills. On board the Enterprise, Riker stumbles out of Sickbay looking very white. Picard comes out afterwards with him and they both get into a turbolift.)

Picard: So, how are you doing Will? (punches him lightly in the shoulder)
Riker: uh, much better sir. (pause) I must say your looking quite rested.
Picard: Yes, best night of my life I think. So anything to report?
Riker: (thinks for a while) You could say that.

(the turbolift opens on the bridge and Picard sees Babylon 5 on the viewscreen for the first time)

Picard: What the? WILL!
Riker: Sir?
Picard: What the hell just happened?
Riker: Readers digest version? We crossed over into another dimension.

(at that moment the turbolift opens up and Quin and Maggie barge in, and make a beeline for Picard.)

Quin: Captain, just what are you going to do about our lost friend and our smashed up timer? We can't leave without either of those.
Picard: Will, I get the feeling theres something your not telling me here.
Riker: Well, I did give you the basic story sir. You do remember the sliders, don't you?
Picard: (rubbing head) Only too well.
Maggie: Hi Willy.
Picard: "Willy"?

(Riker lowers his head)

Riker: It's a long story.
Maggie: (smiling) No it isn't (looks at his groin)
Riker: SHUT UP! No ones supposed to know about my downstairs problems.

(everyone looks at Riker)

Riker: Er, just like no ones supposed to know you've got herpes.

(everyone stares at Riker with looks of disgust. Someone says something along the lines of "well I never". Maggie actually breaks into tears.)

Picard: (comforting Maggie) Will, making fun of someone with a sexually transmitted disease is not a laughing matter. As a member of the human race in the 24th century, you should be above that kind of thing.
Riker: Sorry sir.
Picard: Don't be sorry, just go stand in the corner until I need you. (Riker stands in the corner) now Miss Becket, are you alright?
Maggie: Yes, but he was so mean to me.
Quin: Oh come on, Maggie, he didn't say anything to you that me, or Colin, or even Rembrant haven't joked about with you in the past.
Picard: WHAT?
Quin: She's a raging slut, don't feel sorry for her. If she's got herpes it's most likely her own fault. I'm just surprised she hasn't came down with something else.
Maggie: Quin, how can you be so cruel?
Picard: Yes, how can you?
Quin: Because I'm her friend, and that's what friends do when your being stupid. We make you face reality.
Picard: Mr Mallory, where I come from we do not treat ladies like this.
Quin: England?
Picard: France.
Quin: Your French? With that English accent?
Picard: It's not a - wait you did actually say it was an English accent and not one of these non existant British accents Americans seem to be convinced exist, so long as you don't include Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales as being part of Britain?
Quin: (confused) What?
Picard: Doesn't matter. But what does matter is that you don't label a lady like that.
Quin: she's no lady, she's been with at least one man per slide. And then there was the Multi-Partner-Three-Guys-One-Girl-Orgy world. We had to go in there with tazzer guns and sedative darts to get her to go sliding with us to the next world.
Maggie: I was enjoying myself.
Quin: (suggestive) That has got to be the understatement of the year.

(Picard goes up to Riker and talks into his ear from behind)

Picard: I'm out shagging, er being seen to by Dr Crusher, and let you take command and all this shit happens? And you wonder why Starfleet keeps offering you command of trading vessels?

(in the Decepticons brig, Rembrant is sitting miserably, Krychek sits next to him.)

Rembrant: Man, I thought it was bad being in a Kromag prison nearly all by myself all the time, but with these guys here, I think I may just lose it anyhow.
Magnus: I can't deal with that now.
Rembrant: Shut up.
Krychek: I can't believe the boss left me here. Sure I double crossed him a few times, sold information behind his back and everything, but I paid a price I didn't want to. (holds up false arm) is that any real reason to do this to me?
Rembrant: all I did was to give into some strange hormonal urge to don a spacesuit and go for a spacewalk to get away from some obessed fans thanks to a wish Q granted me. How was I to know I'd get into this much trouble for it?
Krychek: I've heard weird stories about jail. You reckon theres any truth to it?
Rembrant: Truth to what?
Krychek: You know… what the inmates do to each other.
Rembrant: I don't follow you.
Krychek: You know they (whsipers in Remy's ear)
Rembrant: THAT IS DISGUSTING! (moves away form Krychek)
Magnus: I can't deal with that now.
Rembrant: I told you, stop saying that.
Magnus: I can't deal with that now.
Scully: This guy just won't stop saying that will he?
Mulder: I'll tell you what it is. It's a conspiracy.
Magnus: I can't deal with that now.
Mulder: I finally figured out what the Transformers are, Scully. Their attempting to invade Earth and take over, by disguising themselves as everyday objects and equipment, they can get themselves into any government or military facility and spread chaos in an attempt to take over the world.
Rodimus: Yeah, strange how whenever the Decepticons try that, no one ever notices their purple badges, or strange colour schemes.
Springer: It's not like you or I blend in with Earth vechiles with our alt modes.
Scully: Yeah, like I said earlier on the tape Mulder showed me of us meeting you lot on your first time jump, which we haven't experienced yet, your designers must have been on crack. (pause) Or at least, I will say on the tape. (pause) I'm confused now, anyone else confused?
All: YES!

(back on the Enterprise, the conference room, Picard, Riker, Data and Lister are sitting down, having just finishsed their recaping of events to Picard.)

Picard: So, that's what's happened, and now I have a headache. Data, have you had time to finalised your theory on what the hell caused the old Red Dwarf to vanish?
Data: My theory is still in development, but I believe I have narrowed it down sir.
Picard: Please tell.
Data: I believe that Mr Lister came from an alternate time line that possibly should never have existed. Coupled with the fact that they traveled to several different realities that had every right to exist on several occasions I beleive they stretched their own ability to exist at all, damaging it. All it would take was at least one more trip to another reality, or a visit from beings from another reality to destroy them.
Lister: Smeg. You mean their dead?
Riker: Could these Decepticons have come from another reality as well? Their the only things here that were in our own reality that we'd never heard of before.
Data: Although they were found in our records, that is possible. However it is more probable that they travelled to this time, or rather our time. Looking over our sensor scans records, they did show signs of particles realted to time travel on their hull. It is my belief that their arrival could initiate the same events that destroyed Red Dwarf.
Lister: Smeg.
Picard: I'm sorry for you Mr Lister, very sorry.
Lister: Smeg.
Picard: Mr Lister?
Lister: Smeg.
Riker: He's gone into a trance.
Lister: Smeg.
Picard: Good, Data, how in the hell are we going to get rid of him? For that matter how is he still here?
Riker: he was with the Sliders for some reason sir.
Lister: Smeg.
Data: It could be the Sliding vortex has somehow protected him from the effects of the "time cleanse" as I shall continue to call it from now on regardless of how anyone feels. Or simply by not being here when it happened he was safe.
Lister: Smeg.
Picard: Whatever, let's get back to the bridge.
Lister: Smeg.

(they leave Lister alone in the observation room, mubling to himself)

Lister: Smeg.

(on the bridge)

Picard: So now we're part of an allaince with these other captains and this space station crew? What are we doing now?
Riker: Well sir-

(Q appears, much to Picards "delight")

Picard: $|-|!+ !
Q: Allow moi to straighten things out, mon capitalist. Your about to go on a death defying mission against an enemy so powerful you'll most likely be killed.
Picard: Wait, that sentence makes little gramatic sense.
Q: Who cares? I can form sentences so complex your pathetic corporeal human brain can't understand them.
Data: Either that, or you had a very bad teacher at school.
Q: Bah, anyhow, you've just got to go and rescue your old friends, Mulder and Scully, and safely rescue a group of big robots from the Decepticons that happen to be their arch enemies. With them on your side, victory is not assured, because their a bunch of idiots. Except Preceptor, but only Data here could understand anything he said.
Picard: I guess I should have stayed in Bev- BED!
Geordi: Captain, we're getting a transmission. The Decepticons have shown up earlier then we thougth they would.
Ensign: (same guy from earlier) Everyone else is lining up at the jump gate sir, should we proceed as well?
Picard: Whatever, just do it. I'm off to sickbay.
Q: Going to try to rise to the occasion are we?
Picard: No, I'm off for some asprin. I have a headache like a nuclear explosion.

Uh oh, things have taken a really nasty surprise for Picard, not to mention Lister. Can he resurect his crewmates? Is Data's theory actually full proof? What state is poor Marcus in after what Torres did to him? Will Galvatron ever try therapy?

Cyclonus: we tried that already. I have no intention of trying to go through all that paperwork ever again.
Scourge: Beisdes, Galvatron DROVE the entire planets population mad.

… oooookay. Will the premptive strike work? Will Dukat and Sheridan meet up? Would anyone stay awake through their continous talking? Will Starscream escape and possess someone? What WAS Krychek talking about to Rembrant?

Rembrant: You don't want to know man.

… oooookay. Is Picard going to lose what's left of his hair through stress? Will the Sliders get a bigger part?

Quin: We'd better, or we're leaving this parody.
Colin: *HIC*

Er, what is Dr who and Q going to do, if anything? Will the Decepticon/Dominion/Cardassian/Breen/Kromag/Borg alliance hold together? Are the Shadows going to be in this? Will "Kosh's" clues getting any more kryptic, or just more stupid sounding?
Find out in part four.
 
Spoof Trek IV: THE WRATH OF CONTINUITY.
Part 4: "We're playing catch up." Or "putting the pieces together."
By David "Social life? HA!" Hopper

Guest stars:
Pamela Anderson's former Breast Implants (retired, of course)
Roger Moore - proving he'll do ANYTHING for money. Even if it's only £10.
And the No nonsense cardboard-man, from the John Smith's beer adverts - holding a gun instead of a pint of beer.

(At Babylon 5's jumpgate, ship after ship jumps into it, Red Dwarf last of all. After about an hours travel, they arrive near the Decepticons just as Cyclonus had kidnapped Mulder and Scully and Galvatron was screaming at them)

Sheridan: Hail them.
Ivonava: Channel open.
Sheridan: (takes a deep breath) This is Captain John Sheridan, of Babylon five. I'm urging you to surrender to us, for the sake of reality, not just this one, but the reality you come from. We're all in danger here, and if you were to damage us, or we were to damage you, who knows what kind of damage would be done to the fabric of space and time? I'm not willing to take that risk, so surrender now, and we can talk about sending everyone back to their own realities.
Ivonava: Message sent. No reply.
Sheridan: Well, keep repeating it. Maybe they'll see sense.

(on board Scorponok, as before: Mulder and scully are being screamed at by Galvatron)

Mulder: Oh man, not you again.
Galvatron: Have we met human?
Mulder: I helped the Autobots trash you on my world back in 1999.
Galvatron: Impossible, I was not recreated in this body until 2005.
Mulder: Never heard of Time Travel?
Galvatron: How do you think I got you here? Take him away.
Cancerman: Yes, take him away.
Mulder: You? I should have known.
Scully: I have just one question.
Galvatron: Oh very well. What is it?
Scully: Where's the rest room? Travel makes me need to go.
Starscream: Why am I tormented like this?
Galvatron: Silence. Soundwave, increase the volume on the Barry Manalow greatest hits tape that we have pumping in that cube of his.
Soundwave: What about the large enemy fleet outside us master?
Galvatron: Enemy fleet?
Soundwave: They've been requesting our surrender for five minutes. Some human keeps making a long, quite impressive speech about why we should.
Galvatron: Bwah, activate the timejump, get us out of here.

(Soundwave activates the timejump, and Scorponok vanishes, going off to do the things they've already done in the previous parts. Confused? Tough, you have to stay awake for this one matey. Meanwhile on the White Star ship at the head of the battle, Sheridan is looking on in disbelief at what's just happened.)

Sheridan: What the hell just happened there?
Ivonava: Er, would you believe they timejumped?
Sheridan: Okay, contact the other ships and get everyone scanning the area, maybe we can figure out a way to go after them.

(Enterprise, Pciard walks into the bridge)

Picard: Report?
Data: The Decepticon vessel just vanished sir. Time travel.
Picard: Damn, did we try to negotiate with them?
Riker: Sheridan tried to bore them into surrendering sir.
Picard: What? That's MY job. (pause) Or it was, back in the days our show was still airing. Now we're in the movies, I'm just going to shoot first ask questions later.
Riker: (worried) Data, give the captain a report.
Data: We are trying to scan the area to activate the time travel methods ourselves sir.

(Defiant, Sisko is looking half asleep)

Sisko: Wake me if ANYTHING actually Happens.

(Voyager, Janeway is busy setting up an important piece of hardwear in her fight against the Decepticons)

Janeway: Alright Harry, activate the coffee maker.

(a cup of extra black, extra strong coffee materilise in a makeshift replicater next to Janeway's command chair.)

Janeway: Ahh, Decepticons you've met your match now.
Torres: Captain, do we HAVE to redirect all power to that thing?
Tuvok: Logic dictates that it would be better to reroute all power to weapons, shields, life suport and engines.
Janeway: Coffee first, you all know THAT by now, surely?

(Scorponok reappears behind the fleet, having gone through the act of collecting their own allies, the Decepticons now have along with them an equal number of Dominion/Breen/Cardassian/Kromag ships, and a couple of Borg Spheres)

Picard + Janeway + Sheridan: Crud.

(Defiant, Bashir nudges Sisko, who looks at the screen and sees the amassed enemy.)

Sisko: (sighing) another day in the Office I see. Battle Stations.

(the Defiant goes flying in, weapons blazing, on an approach run along one of Scorponoks leg sections, not that dissimilar to the Death Star trench run in Star Wars.)

Sisko: Look for an exhaust port, maybe a photon torpedo will get it to set off a chain reaction.
Bashir: Have you been reading some strange sci fi novel sir?
Sisko: Jake gave me a Story of his to Read through. It had a Similar setup to This. He’s just got to write out that Annoying, Clumsy Amphibian creature he created.
Bashir: But sir, this is real life.
Sisko: Oh, yeah. How goes the rest of the battle?

(to answer that question, we see the Enterprise is holding it's ground, as it blasts away at Kromag vessels that are centering on them only.)

Quin: Captain, PLEASE don't let them get us. PLEASE!
Pciard: Oh shut up.

(Voyager and several Whitestar vessels are engaging the Domion/Cardassian/Breen fleet. Typically the Cardassian ships are being blown away easily.)

Janeway: (sitting at tactical) They turned off my coffee supply, bwahahaha. Now YOU pay the price, scum.
Paris: Damn, she's scarrier then Be'llanna during that time of the month.
Kim: But she's scary all the time.
Torres: Do you two want to be our first casualties of friendly fist?

(On Red Dwarf as the Star Furries scream out of the cargo bays and the ship tries to get out of the range of Scorponoks guns. In Scorponok, Galvatron is looking at a monitor)

Galvatron: Why aren't the Borg doing anything? Bwah, I guess I'd Better Help those Cardassians pussies.

(Scorponok, a hatch opens after the defiant passes by, and Galvatron steps out. He looks at the Cardassian fleet as it get's torn apart, and transforms into space cannon mode. He finds his target, Voyager, takes aim, alows for their speed and fires.)

Galvatron: BWAH! A blow is struck for the Decepticon's allies.

(As the shot follows it's path, a random Mimbari ship zooms in to interecept the blow for Voyager, which takes out a whole cross section on their hull.)

Cyclonus: Mighty Galvatron, please come back in, the automatic weapons can deliver much more damage then even your space cannon mode can.
Galvatron: Bwah, hiding in fortresses is Not Our Way. Decepticons, SCRAMBLE!
Cyclonus: Damn, and I had a nice comfy seat too.

(A large cargo section on one of Scorponoks legs opens up, and Decepticon jets take off from inside it. Cyclonus and Scourge at the front, with Scourges sweeps formed around them. Triggerhappy screams out of formation and attacks a Minbari vessel.)

Triggerhappy: YEEEHAW! DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!

(On board the White Star lead ship, Sheridan paces back and forth as sparks explode everywhere.)

Sheridan: Report?
Ivonava: Things are pretty evenly matched. Or they were until the Decepticons started flying in here with their jets.
Sheridan: Jets? How can old style military jets work without an atmosphere?
Ivonava: I don't know, but their kicking our butts. (pause) Oh here comes that super cannon of theirs again.

(Galvatron fires in his space cannon mode again, hitting a White Star full on in the front, obliterating it's front section.)

Ivonava: We've just lost White Star fifty two.
Sheridan: Man, that thing is powerful, wish we had a ship with a gun that good. Well at least those Borg ships aren't doing anything.

(The Decpticon Jets are busy taking on the White Stars, the MinBari attack ships, and the fleets of Starfurry's that are helping out. The Decepticons are coming out on top now, wiping out most of the MinBari attack ships, and damaging the larger cruisers.)

Thrust: Let us teach them a lesson in sorrow.

(Thrust tries to use his supersonic attack, but in space, no one can use that power.)

Thrust: Oh crap.
Ramjet: Thankfully I can still do my trick.

(Ramjet takes on a direct approach run towards a White Star, firing as he does, then breaking off to oneside in a effort to ram his wing into any extruding parts of the White Stars hull. However, the White Star is made out of tougher material then his wing, which tears off, sending him sprilling out of control.)

Ramjet: Dirge, help me.
Dirge: Get real.

(Ramjet collides with a Sweep, sending them both into an oncoming Breen vessel, destroying both them, and the ship.)

Thrust: Whoops.
Dirge: Hehehehe. Some power, ramming. HAW!
Thrust: Say, what IS your power anyhow?
Dirge: Erm, I forgot.

(inside the Brigg, the Autobots are taking in the battle from a monitor)

Rodimus: Okay, that's it. We can't let these people down. We have to get out of here. Wreck Gar, build something.
Wreck Gar: Wilco, roger. Over and out.

(Wreck Gar rips some circuits out of a wall behind him, the artifical gravity goes out)

Wreck Gar: Ground control to Major Tom, I'm floating in the most, peculiar waaaay.
Rodimus: Just get the cell doors powered down.
Magnus: (tries to open a panel behind him) Open, goddamnit open.
Mulder: Wait, I've an idea. Scully and I still have our guns. Maybe we could hit that switch over there and turn these bars off?
Springer: You mean to tell me you had those all along and could have tried that all this time? Gah. Your perfect Autobot leadership material, you know that?
Scully: There's just one problem.
Blaster: What's that, babe?
Scully: Our aim sucks.
Blaster: Okay then, in that case, aim for the switch next to the switch we need to get to get out of here.
Mulder: Makes sense.

(Mulder fires his gun, he hits another switch entirely and an alarm goes off.)

Blaster: Damn. Try again, quick.

(Mulder and Scully both pull out their guns and fire away, hitting more switches, the lights go out, the door opens, the alarm stops, the lights go back on, then they explode. Flywheels comes in to check on things, and gets shot in his optic sensors.)

Springer: Nice shooting, Tex.
Flywheels: Argh, damnit. Can't see... Where am I? Where's that alarm switch?

(Flywheels failing arm hits the cell release button. Ultra Magnus is on him in seconds.)

Flywheels: Whose that? Help me, I can't see.
Magnus: I can't deal with that now.
Flywheels: Oh crap it's -
Magnus: Lights out. (he punches Flywheels out)
Flywheels: BZZZZZ! Wha’t’s ’hat ‘urning toast’ smeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell?
Grimlock: Me Grimlock want to kick ass.
Blaster: Alright, now we got us one gun between the lot of us.
Rodimus: Along with Grimlocks breath, Springers sword, Perceptors shoulder cannon, Magnus shoulder launchers and your annoying music, Blaster.
Eject: Yeah, and us.
Rodimus: Okay lets see if we can get more guns on the way out, then we'll try to sabotage this thing. Or at least get it back to it's own reality.

(the Autobots run for it, taking Mulder, Scully, Krychek and Rembrant with them. Meanwhile out in space, Galvatron is busy firing wildly and nails a sweep.)

Galvatron: SORRY! (to self) Bwah, why aren't the Borg doing anything? With their help we might just win this battle, quicker. Things are too evenly matched right now. Ah, I've an idea. (he activates his comm unit) Constructicons, Stunticons, Combaticons, Predacons, Seacons, Terrorcons, and yes, eck, even the Monstercons, report to the surface in your gestalt modes. Your mission, whether you choose to accept it or not, is to take on those bigger ships the enemy have.

(In order of merged units, Devastator, Menasor, Bruticus, Predaking, Seaking, Abaminous and Monstructor all fly out and start tackling the Minbari warships.)

Galvatron: Even if the Borg Fail to help Out, we have one more Ace up our Sleave. Scoroponok. BWAHAHAHA!!!!

(Onboard the lead Whitestar, Sheridan looks at his mounting casualtiy list, and then sees the Gestalts attacking the larger ships)

Sheridan: Everyone pull back, we need to spread out, we don't stand a chance against those things if we're bunched up. Susan, contact G'Kar, tell him we need his help now.

(the larger ships all pull out of the battlezone, while the Enterprise and Voyager provide cover fire for them. Janeway is really hurting the Cardassians with the suped up phasers.)

Janeway: Sometimes you've just got to dispense with the crappy one liners and make with the FX!

(The Defiant continues it's direct assault on Scorponok. The Star Furries continue to take on the Decepticon jets while the Minbari attack ships now attack the Dominion fleet. The Kromag and Cardassian ships are decimated.)

Sisko: Is there Any sign of an exposed Exhaust?
O'Brian: Nope, not even a sign of any unexposed exhausts.
Bashir: Maybe they have a way of using the exhaust fumes to create more energy?
Worf: That would most likely make their reactors explode. All reactors have to have some sort of outlet. We just have to find it.
Kira: Captain, I think we ought to try to help out against the Decepticon fighters. Their outmatching all our allies just through skill.
Sisko: Do they have shields?
Kira: The Decepticons? No, but neither do our friends.
Sisko: What a bunch of idiots. Who Dosen't go around with Shields these days?
O'Brian: People who don't have them?
Sisko: Okay, bring us around. (pause) What is that?
Bashir: What is what?
Sisko: That thing climbing on the hull of the Minbari ship over there?

(Things are less then even now, the Gestalts are tearing into the few larger ships that couldn't get away, simply trying to get their weapons systems offline. The Enterprise fires a volley of Photon torpedos at Devestator, managing to hit most of the Gestalts weak spots, making the Constructicons separate into their sub units, who in turn start attacking the ships all over again, this time in their alt modes, which of course is construction equipment for those that don’t know.)

Picard: Crap.
Data: We can add that to our list of no brainers.

(inside the conference room, Lister finally snaps out of his trance, and watches in shock as a Whitestar get's destroyed by Scourge.)

Lister: All this because the Minbari and Transformers had access to time travel technology. (pause) Smeg, that's it. Thay's how to get rid of them.

(Lister runs across to a viewscreen, and contacts the lead Whitestar. Sheridan appears on screen.)

Sheridan: Yes?
Lister: I've figured it out, I know how to win this battle.
Sheridan: That's very nice, but right now we're fighting for our lives here.
Lister: If you can tell me something about how the Minbari travel through time I think we might have a weapon here.
Sheridan: Minbari time travel? The only time we've went time traveling was with the aid of The Great Machine on Epsilon 3.
Lister: Where?
Sheridan: The planet Babylon 5 is in orbit around.
Lister: Oh. Right. How did they use that then?
Sheridan: I'm not too sure, Delean was not exactly forthcoming with details.
Lister: So how are the Minbari sending their own ships back through time in those time gates of theirs?
Sheridan: (thinks) I don't know that either, but I know someone who will. Linear, come here.

(Outside, in the coldness of space, Predaking manages to tear into the hull of his Minbari vessel and forces his way inside. Forcefields and bulkheads close around the compartment in a desperate bid to preserve hull integrity, but Predaking seperates into the Predacons.)

Razorclaw: Okay boys, you know what to do, these corridoors ought to be big enough for us to use our animal modes in, except maybe for divebomb and his bird mode.
Divebomb: Eagle mode.
Razorclaw: So go for maximum laughs, and chase as many flesh creatures around as we can before we kill them.

(Razorclaw transforms to Lion mode, Rampage into Puma mode, Tantrum into Bull mode and Headstrong into Rhino mode, and off they run, wildly spreading panic as they chase Minbari's around the ship.)

Divebomb: So, I'll do something useful, eh? Like find the ships power core?

(Outside again. Menasor has managed to break into a whole deck of another ship and scatters into his componenets, the Stunticons who pour into the ship.)

Motormaster: Okay boys, heres' the plan. We kill the men, rape the women, and burn the place to slag.
Breakdown: How are we supposed to rape organic lifeforms that are this small?
Motormaster: I dunno, but I think it'll be fun to find out, don't you think?

(general mutters of vague agrement)

Motormaster: Oh and Wildrider, try to get those first two in the right order this time, huh?

(Wildrider sniggers like the sick bastard he is, and then various ninja style looking Minbari kick a door down and barge into the room. Dead End takes this with his usual, happy-go-lucky approach to life.)

Dead End: We're gonna die.
Dragstrip: Oh get a life, will ya?
Dead End: I would, but I just know as soon as I get one it'll be taken away from me.
Brakedown: Oh boy, I think I just filled my pants.
Motormaster: What pants? We’re four meter tall robots, we don’t wear clothes.

(on board the lead Whitestar, Sheridan is talking to Linear about Timetravel.)

Sheridan: So the Minbari have had access to time travel equipment all this time, and never told us?
Ivonava: Well, Delean did hint that the Minbari had some time travel technology when we stole Babylon four, courtesy of Eplison 3.
Sheridan: Let's not get into that one now, eh? I've no time for a speech.
Linear: Well, we don't have the time to charge up our equipment to get rid of them now, but we could get the Great Machine on Epislon 3 to power up in time and take them back to their time. It would be difficult, but it could be done. I can contact them right now.
Ivonava: That may be too late.
Sheridan: What makes you say that?
Ivonava: The Borg spheres just joined the party.

(Sure enough, the spheres are moving towards the battle, but not as everyone would expect them to. Their circling the combat zone and surrounding everyone in a giant energy field. Cyclonus transforms and lands next to Galvatron.)

Galvatron: HAHAHA! Yessssss. With this, we will CRUSH our enemies, and the universe will be ours.
Cyclonus: But master, so will we.
Galvatron: Bwah, a likely story, they are our allies. They won't hurt us.
Cyclonus: Look, we're inside the field too, we're as dead as everyone else will be.
Galvatron: …. BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I’m gonna kill that little slut.

(Galvatron transforms again into space cannon mode, and fires at the nearest sphere, which isn't in range. Galvatron transforms again.)

Galvatron: BWAH! Wait, I might have another Ace up my sleave. Starscream.

(Galvatron runs into Scorponok to find the spark cube. Within minutes, he's found him, and actually made quite the sensible order of having his troops and allies turn on the Borg, which makes a change for him to actually think of a sensible idea. Not that it's having any effect, the Borg are simply adapting to all the weapons thrown at them.)

Starscream: So let me get this straight, your willing to let me go, so I can possess the Borg spheres and make them let you go? And what makes you think I'll agree to this?
Galvatron: If you don't, I promise to kill you!
Starscream: You can't kill me, I'm immortal.
Galvatron: Everyone has a weakness.
Starscream: Not me, you can cube me up, but all I have to do is wait for these ships to be destroyed and my spark will be free.
Scourge: And who are you going to possess? A human or another organic being? Even to you that would be sick.
Starscream: Hmm, you might have a point there.
Cyclonus: According to these readings the energy field is on a similar wavelength to Starscreams sparks.
Starscream: Meaning?
Cyclonus: If I'm reading this right, it could destroy you on contact.
Starscream: Okay, er, Galvatron, old pal. Old buddy, etc, etc. Let me out, I'll take care of that Bitch Queen for you.
Zarak: Borg Queen.
Starscream: What's the difference?
Zarak: Only that she's MY bitch.
Galvatron: Zarak, you Nepturanian Nympomaniac, she's Trying to KILL us ALL!
Zarak: She is? Oh well. Tough love. But she's still mine, so I'll take care of her.
Cyclonus: How do you paln to take care of that?
Zarak: (stepping into a chamber) How else? If energy weapons don't effect them, how are they going to react to brute force? (the doors close)

(Zarak is flying through a tube in a scene similar to Bruce Wayne traveling to the Bat Cave from his office in "Batman Forever." And he arrives in another control room.)

Picard: Why isn't the Decepticon base doing anything?
Data: We are getting a strange reading. It is as though the battlestation was falling apart.
Geordi: It's not falling apart, it's transforming.
Picard: That things a Transformer as well?

(Sure enough, Scorponok is transforming into robot mode. Zarak is now merged into the system and controling every system. Scorponok in robot mode towers over anything, it's taller then Red Dwarf is long. It’s flying through space curtesy of the rocket boosters at the back of it’s legs and has it’s long sharp crab like claws -instead of hands, each big enough to grab and crush the Borg spheres- crushing the Borg Spheres. Which it’s doing now. Yes, quite a sight.)

Queen: Crap, I knew there was a good reason to infect Scorpronok with a sleeper virus. (she claps her hand thress times and she and the imedate Brog drones are beamed away as the spheres are destroyed.)

Galvatron: Now, all my allies, ATTACK THE ENEMY!
Cyclonus: Hasn't there been neough death and destruction today?
Galvatron: Not yet there hasn't.

(on board a Minbari vessel we see the crew being chased around by the Predacons. Elsewhere, Minbari "ninjas" lie dead with blaster holes as the Stunticons and Predacons –who turned out to be on the same ship- wipe the floor with the crew.)

Razorclaw: *BURP!* Damn, that’s what I call fast food.
Motormaster: Your eating these people?
Razorclaw: It’s better then what your letting Wildrider do to the corpses.
Headstrong: Ew, that is gross. (pause) I’ll get the camera.
Divebomb: Er, guys. Guess whose joined the party?

(They look out the window and see Scorponok bearing down on them.)

Rampage: This remind you of the time Unicron visited Cybertron?
Dead End: Oh shi-

(Scorponok tears through the hull of the ship, power nodes and conductors explode.   Power surges through to the engines and explode, sending the debris of the ship everywhere. In a section of space, a small compartment is sent hurtling outwards, away from the battle.)

Dead End: I surived? Wow. Wonder what bad could happen to me now?

(Voyager’s brig, Seven looks up to see the Oracle forming around her, while Neelix –still naked- does the dance of the sugar plum fairy. Seven shudders.)

Oracle: There is not much time.
Seven: I know. If Mr Neelix continues to jiggle his manhood around like that I will soon regurigitate my last meal.
Oracle: Not that. The battle for time itself.
Neelix: Narf, I’m a ballerina, I’m a balerina.
Seven: (to Neelix) Quite. (to Oracle) What can I do?
Oracle: You must use the power of your nanoprobes to take control of the ships deflector controls and enter the calculations in that I am feeding you. (special effects surround seven giving her a complex set of matematics to follow.) This will allow you to take control and send out a tacheyon pulse to restore most of the timeline. This must be done quickly, else the universe will collapse.

(Enterprise, Lister comes out to talk to Picard)

Lister: Right, I’ve had a word with Sheridan. Apparently the Minbari had access to time travel technology, so he’s getting them to set it up for us.
Picard: That may be too late.
Lister: Why?
Riker: Because of that.

(Riker points to the viewscreen, where a temporal ribbon is fast heading towards the battle.)

Lister: Oh…
Riker: Smeg.
Lister: Exactly man.

(Scorponok continues merrily tearing through Minbaris war ship as if theres no tomorrow. On board Galvatron takes notice of the time ribbon.)

Galvatron: What the slag is that thing?
Soundwave: Our deaths if we do not leave this timeline.
Galvatron: That would mean running from a fight, and I NEVER run from a fight.
Sweep #42345352546465436: Oh really?

(all we hear is the sound of a transformation, a loud gunshot, a muffled scream and another Transformation. Galvatron is standing over the charred remains of the now dead Sweep clone.)

Galvatron: Let that be a lesson to you. (he leaves)
Sweep #42345352546465436: What did Scourge do to deserve that?
Cyclonus: Quiet, from now on, your Scourge.
“Scourge”: Does that mean I have to be the bitch?
Cyclonus: Yes.
Soundwave: That’s all well and good, but what are we going to do about that ribbon?
Cyclonus: Tie a knott in it?

(Defiant, Sisko is barely awake)

Sisko: I could get better action on the holodeck.
Worf: I can get better action in my bedroom. (pause) until my wife was murdered. (breakes down in tears)
Bashir: Wait, what’s Voyager doing?

(shot of space, Voyager’s deflector dish is shinning at full power. It hums for a few seconds, then energy burst out of it in huge amounts, all aimed at the ribbon.)

Janeway: Who’s doing that?
All: Seven.
Janeway: Oh she is so dead. Unless this works of course. Well, shall we have a special effect, or just talk about what’s happening?
Tuvok: The beam has destroyed the ribbon captain.
Janeway: Oh, we go with the cheap option, eh?

(the compartment Dead End was in enters a planet atmosphere, burns slightly but surives the re entry. It crashes on a beautiful, but somewhat disserted beach. Dead End crawls out.)

Dead End: I surived that too? Guess my lucks in. Where am I?
Posh Spice: Welcome to Spice World.
David Beckham: Er, Victoria, have you seen my other new tatoo? Eh, it’s in Chinese this time, and it’s got our surname on.
Posh: Is it spelt right this time?
Beckham: Dur, I think so.
Scary: Here, Victoria, what’s all this about you being knocked up again?
Posh: It’s not true.
Scary: Didn’t think so, I mean how the hell did Becks figure out how to have sex with you in the first place? Great soccer player, but thick as shit elseway.
Dead End: Oh Primus, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Anything but this. So long cruel universe. (puts gun to head and pulls trigger)
Sporty: Wonder what his problem was.
Baby: Pobably a continuity buff who couldn’t handle us being alive still despite what happened to us in Spoof Trek 2.
Scary: Er, I thought we got rescued?
Sporty: No, we got blown up.

(Scorponok is bearing down on the now running away alliance fleet. Suddenly a Decepticon shuttle burst out of one of his legs, sending off explosion after explosion and destroying one of his leg rockets sending him flying off wildly into space.)

Galvatron: SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!
Cyclonus: Don’t give Starscream ideas.
Starscream: Enough with the gay jokes already.
Galvatron: ACTIVATE THE TIME WARP!
Starscream: He’s gone mad, this is more proof why I should lead.
Galvatron: (thumps hands on console) TIMEWARP! NOW! (thumps hands and activates timewarp himself) YES!

(all hell brakes lose, in which, Starscreams cube get’s knocked over and shattered.)

Starscream: Bwhahaha, I’m free, free. Free to merge with theis time machine. (he starts to do so)
Galvatron: NO YOU DON’T! (he shoots the time console)
Soundwave: NO!

(Scorponok goes crazy in the time tunnel. Starscreams spark goes shooting out of the battlestation.)

(later all the groups, including the Decepticon shuttle piloted by Rodimus Prime and his group have met up on Babylon 5. Springer is going through introductions.)

Springer: Allow me to introduce everyone to everyone. This is our leader, Rodimus Prime. No one likes him and he's a paranoid manic depressive. (everyone looks at Janeway) This is our second in command, Ultra Magnus. He's our second in command, doesn't say much that’s interesting (everyone looks at Chakotay) and tends to screw up a lot (everyone stays looking at Chakotay.)
Chakotay: Hey, look at Riker instead, damnit.
Springer: He says that word a lot as well. This is Wreck-Gar, he tends to irritate as well as fix equipment, and us. (everyone looks at the Holodoc) and he tends to talk rubbish. (Everyone looks at Janeway, Geordi, Data, Seven and O'Brian) This is Arcee, resident love interest (Paris and Riker look at each others girl friends, then realise what their doing) and she attracts the male viewers. (no one looks at Janeway here.)
Riker: (to Paris) Wanna swap?
Paris: No thanks, no one's as kinky as B'Ellana.
Springer: This is Grimlock, our resident psycho (everyone looks at Worf who grins) and Blaster, our communication guy. He's a single parent and a real ladies man. (everyone looks from Sisko to Worf and back again)
Blaster: I’m wraping from the East Coast to the West Coast, word out to my man Jazz, and-
Springer: And this is Perceptor, our resident top scientist. It's his fault we're in this mess (the characters all look at David Hopper.)
Worf: It is an honour to meet a legendary warrior such as yourself Grimlock.
Grimlock: Why human have funny thing on forehead?
Worf: I am Klingon.
Grimlock: It clining on you? (enthusiastic) Me Grimlock fix. (pulls out his sword and tries to tear Worf's face off.)
Worf: LEAVE ME ALONE YOU RETARD!
Grimlock: There that word again. What that word mean?
Blaster: It's the fans word for you dude.
Riker: (To Paris) What about Seven and those Borg enclaves she has? You can't seriously think I'd believe she hasn't done it with anyone in one of those.
Paris: Voyager is like a community in itself. Seven was assimilated as a child, and since no one is spreading rumours about her on ship, I'm presuming-
Riker: (out loud) SEVEN'S A VIRGIN? (everyone looks at Riker) Wow, a hot babe like that? She's fresh?
Troi: I'm sensing disgust.
Torres: What do you sense coming from Seven?
Seven: A slap if she dares to even look in my direction.
Troi: Okay, I won't.
Seven: (to Riker) I will deal with you later, commander.
Riker: (True Austin Powers style) Yeah Baby, yeah!
Holodoc: so, Mr Gar?
Wreck-Gar: Hey Carter, what's with the face?
Holodoc: Excuse me? What are you talking about?
Wreck-Gar: It doesn't matter WHAT I'm talking about… if you smell… what the Rock… is… cooking.
Holodoc: That's it, I'm not having a conversation with another idiot. I can do that on my own ship. (turns to another Autobot) So what do you do?
Kup: Me? I forget. Where's my dentures?

(the Doc shivers and goes off. Elsewhere… C&C to be exact…)

Ivonava: Oh boy. Captain, we’re going to have trouble soon.
Sheridan: What is it?
Ivonava: Oh, a timewarp. Right in front of us.

(Scorponok appears right in front of B5, and all the other ships.)

Sheridan: Smeg.
Ivonava: That yeast like stuff that grows around the foreskin?
Sheridan: No, that’s smegma.
Ivonava: I’d see Franklin if it’s giving you trouble.
Sheridan: I don’t have any.
Ivonava: Then why did you mention it?
Sheridan: I- Why haven’t you sounded Red Alert yet? Oh tell you what, let’s just beam the Autobots on board. Let them deal with it.

(In a scene change that goes faster then the last half of the final episode of Deep Space Nine, the Autobots are beamed directly into the Decepticons bridge. Rodimus is beamed right in front of the face of Galvatron.)

Rodimus: AARGH!
Galvatron: I'm going to lay the smack down.
Wreck-Gar: BWAH!

(Galvatron and Wreck-Gar look at each other sheepishly, then at the others who are staring open mouthed at them, then at each other, then the camera. Without a word they pull out their scripts, and switch their copies. Starscreams spark floats back in.)

Starscream: Ha, took me a while to catch up with you, man did I find a weird planet on my travels. It was that Beasts Wars planet again, and I wound up possing the body of that wusipinator. Anyhow, did I miss much?
Wreck-Gar: I'm going to lay the smack down.
Galvatron: BWAH!
Starscream: Oh. The big fight, well I’ll just hover round here then.
Cyclonus: That's better.
Galvatron: Cyclonus, make a note of that. I like it, and want to use it in future conversation.
Cyclonus: What? "Laying the smack down"?
Galvatron: No, "BWAH!" of course. I like it. And why change a winning formula?
Sweep #1274393: But it isn't a winning formula, none of the fans like that high pitched scream you make every time you get pissed off. And you get pissed off all the time. (Galvatron nails the Sweep clone)
Scourge: Well, the fans sure seem to like seeing that happen.
Rodimus: How can you keep making all those clones anyhow?
Cyclonus: I have to use a very big bag of viagra.
Starscream: Oh yeah, I'd faggot that you two had came out.

(everyone looks at Starscream's spark)

Starscream: Get it? Faggot, forgot? Play on words. (silence) Oh screw you all.
Springer: You would too if you still had a body.
Starscream: Who needs a body when your immortal?
Springer: What use is immortality when you’re a compulsive coward? You’re a member of the NCA, National Cowards of America for crying out loud.
Starscream: I'm not even an American citizen you fool. Besides, what good is a massive body part if you haven't got a girl to use it with?
Springer: I dunno, how do you manage without a girl? I'm only asking you since your the expert and hung around the showers in the Decepticon barracks.
Starscream: (spark changes colour) I AM NOT GAY!!!!!!!
All: Sure your not.
Starscream: I!!!!!!! AM!!!!!!!! NOT!!!!!!!!!!! GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone in the Universe: Sure, right, whatever.

(the most primal, blood curdling scream imaginably is emitted form Starscream.)

Everyone in the Universe: We believe you.
Starscream: You do? Oh that would bring tears to my eyes. If I still had eyes to cry out of. And even then they'd have to be on a human body.
Everyone in the Universe: Nah.

(Starscream lives up to his name, after all, in space no one can hear you scream, but they can hear you StarScream. Meanwhile a fight ensures, Soundwave is easily beaten by Blaster who sneaks around behind him and pulls his batteries out.)

Blaster: Man, these were due a recharge anyhow.
Wreck-Gar: They Don’t keep going and going and going…

(Ultra Magnus and Springer throw themselves into the group of Sweep clones and start tearing them apart. Grimlock looks at the few Decepticons left for him to fight, they all back off and run out of the room.)

Grimlcok: Me Grimlock, me smart, and brave.
Perceptor: HELP!

(Grimlock turns around to see Rumble and Frenzy beating up Perceptor)

Grimlock: Typical.
Arce: Say, this the recall button isn’t it? We can get back home by just having me press this.
Galvatron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

(shot of space, Scorponok disappears in a timewarp. Mulder looks on with Scully, Cancerman, Krychek and the Slidiers)

Mulder: Now how do we get home?
Scully: Mulder, you do realise this is just a-
Mulder: Scully, don’t say it, that joke has gotten real boring now.
Cancerman: Yeah, can’t you look facts in the face?
Krychek: We’re in the future you dumb bitch.
Rembrant: Stranded in a time period that ain’t ours.
Quin: And we can’t see a way home for any of us.
Maggie: And I have this strange burning senstation inbetwen my legs.
Colin: Well I know what we can do. We can just use the timer to sldie back home, and by the law of coincidences we’ll turn up in our own time period and in Mulder’s home Earth as we’ve always done before in these things.

(Stunned silence as everyone absorbs that)

Quin: He’s right you know.
Scully: Hah, if he’s right then, then… Then I’ll end up working with the T-1000 in season 8.

(everyone laughs and leaves, except Maggie)

Maggie: Will someone please tell me what this burning feeling is?

(shot of space, all the ships that shouldn’t be there are being timewarped away now.)

Sheridan: Captains log: We survived our encounter with the Decepticons and the temporal activity their caused, and now our allies through the use of the Great Machine on Epislon 3, are returning to their own time periods and realities. Except the Sliders and Mulder and Scully who elected to use their timer to slide to another reality in the van hope of convienently turing up back on thir own Earth. Or Mulder’s Earth at least. I dunno, thinking about that one gives me a headache shapped like a blackhole.
Ivonava: Wha?
Sheridan: Quiet, this is a log entry, don’t interrupt. Lister decided to take his chances with the crew of Voyager (under breath) idiot. (Normal) And I wish him the best of luck. (quiet) He’ll need it with those idiots.

(on board Voyager, Lister has gotten lucky with Seven, whose on the bridge making an important request.)

Seven: Captain Janeway, I am in need of a towel, approximently two square meters. (pause) That we will not be needing to use again. (pause) Ever.
Janeway: Use the replicater Seven. (Seven leaves as Janeway looks across to Torres whose in the middle of running after her) Where are you going?
Torres: I'm writing a new column on Neelix's briefing show. This is good gossip.

And so everyone lived happily ever after…. Until somebody realised that they needed a bit of a meatier ending since not everything had been dealt with, thus: The EPILOGUES!

(Epilogue #1: As Doctor Who takes Lister off to become a new timelord, Seven and Torres are seen crying softly to themselves.)

Seven: Goodbye Mr Lister, Lieutenant Torres and I shall never forget you.
Torres: Did you have to say that outloud?
Seven: Did I? Opps.
Paris: Does that mean what I think that means?
Tuvok: Your significant other has betrayed your trust. A most unforeseen event.
Paris: Really?
Tuvok: Yes, especially since I now owe you ten bucks.
Torres: What for?
Tuvok: I placed a bet with Mr Paris that Mr Paris would cheat on you first, not the other way around. Obviously I was mistaken.
Kim: Your as bad a judge of character as I am, or Chakotay.
Janeway: That's why he's on THIS ship, we're all bad judges of character.
Seven: From my interactions with the other cast members of the Trek franchise, I would deduce that anyone who was not on Deep Space Nine is a really bad judge of anything. Character or otherwise.
Janeway: But that's what being human is all about Seven. Do you see? Besides, there's only three humans on the regular cast on that show.
Seven: No, I do not see.
Kim: What about Jake? He's human.
Janeway: He doesn't count. He may be on the main credits, but he's hardly in any episodes. Too busy writing and drinking orange juice.
Holodoc: Well all that orange juice is bound to be bad for his kidneys. Or something, considering humans can only absorb so much orange juice goodness in a day. He's going to be paying a lot of visits to the toilet in his life while he drinks that stuff.
Torres: So Tom, you allowed bets about me eh? Did you have plans on other women on this ship? Did you?
Paris: B'Ellana, I swear, I never meant anything by it.
Torres: I've only one thing to say to that.
Paris: Oh? What's that then?
Torres: (eyes rotating in sockets, steam shooting out of her ears, and her hair suddenly turning purple and dividing into three distinct sections) BWAAAAAH!!!!!!
Paris: I am sooooo dead now.
Kim: Say, where is Commander Chakotay anyhow?

(Seven and Paris share a brief look at Janeway. Flashback to earlier, Seven and Paris enter Janeway’s darkened quarters.)

Seven: What is that rank odour?
Paris: Harry must have been in here and wet himself again.
Seven: No, it is far fouler, like an old open wound, but worse.
Paris: Why are the lights off? LIGHTS!

(The lights come on revealing Janeway eating what’s left of Chakotay. She looks up and wipes the blood away from her mouth.)

Seven: Captain, what is the nature of your relationship with commander Chakotay?
Janeway: We’re stranded, we’re low on power and the replicaters aren’t working. We must eat each other to survive now.
Paris: Captain, B’Ellanna got power back up yesterday.
Janeway: Opps, (wipes mouth) okay, what happened here doesn’t go beyond these bulkheads, understood?
Paris: What about Chuckles there?
Janeway: Oh, the doctor can fix him up. Even with a partial lobotomy no one’s really going to notice any real difference.
Seven: Except perhaps the drooling.
Janeway: Yes, except perhaps the drooli- GET OUT!

(Epilogue #2: Starscream's spark streaks through time, arrives at Earth, and hits a lighting conducter, travels along it a bit, then veers off along a wire to a badly placed TV aerial, and explodes through someone's TV in one of the rooms, possessing that unfortunate human. A man in a suit walks in seconds later.)

Suit: Sir, are you alright? I heard an explosion. Oh, your TV must have caught a volt of lightning. Damned wiring. You'd think with this place they'd have wired the place decently. Well you seem alright sir, is there anything I can do for you?
Bill Clinton: (possessed) Er, no. Tell you what. We got any interns? Preferably male.
Suit: Sure sir, decided to try a different rout after that fat bitch sir? Can't see what you saw in her. Mind you, each to their own, let's just hope the press doesn't find out about this one, eh?
Clinton: (far higher pitched then normal) I… Am… Not… Gay.
Suit: Sure your not sir, your just experimenting. I understand. Heck, I went to college myself. I know what it's like to experiment with things. Your just doing things later on in life then most would.
Clinton: Can I borrow your gun? Thanks. (shoots the suit)

(Epilogue #3: Lister stands before the Timelords, going through his initiation.)

Timelord: Are you prepared for this?
Lister: Yeah, not that I really want to go through with this. I miss me mates, even if they are really dead anyhow and the alternate versions don't really know me.
Timelord: Whatever. Well, you've done the first two sections of the initiation, survived the destruction of one timeline and saved another. Now we just have to perform the third and we can call it a day today. Orderlies.

(two big men come in, grab Lister, and secured him flat on his front and pull his trousers down. One of them brings out a tube of KY Jelly and a probe.)

Timelord: Begin the probe.

(a rather long piece of fibre optic wire is rolled on behind Lister.)

Lister: Oh smeg.

(Epilogue #4: Skinners office, October 1999, no evidence that Skinner is ever intending to get into the millennium celebrations is present. Skinner sighs as he picks up Mulder's latest report. A pendulum is suddenly swung back and forth near his eyes. Skinner looks up to see Cancerman and Krychek.)

Krychek: This report is crap. He must be on crack.
Skinner: (hypnotised) This report is crap. He must be on crack.
Cancerman: Again.
Skinner: (hypnotised) This report is crap. He must be on crack. Again.
Krychek: The robots were nothing more then a Russian weapon, captured by breakaway members of a separatist group.
Cancerman: You sure this is going to work?
Krychek: Oh sure. Watch, Skinner, stand on your head. See?
Cancerman: Impressive. Now, how do we get back to our time?
Krychek: No need, we just have to hang around until our past selves in the present, here, get taken off on their time journey in the future which we've just experienced in the future, and we can take our pasts selves places in the present. Got it?
Cancerman: I think so. Which ones are we again?
Krychek: Erm…

(Cut to Mulder's office.)

Mulder: Well, colin was right. Which was a shock.
Scully: Wait, didn't we find out that Skinner had been brainwashed somehow to not believe our report?
Mulder: Yeah, today is the day he was supposed to denounce it, although the video we watched never showed us the exact details of which report he was going to denounce, the simple fact that today was the date shown on the video is proof enough of that. Which means tomorrow is when we go looking for robots materialising in front of the Whitehouse.
Scully: (pause while she tries to figure that out) Whatever.
Mulder: Well, until then, I'm off to get drunk. See you in the morning Scully.
Scully: (looks around the office) Wait, how did this place get fixed so quickly?
Mulder: Oh yeah, we moved into the room next door. It was relatively undamaged.
Scully: Oh… Right.
Mulder: Didn’t we?

(Spoky music plays as Mulder ans Scully try to figure out the plot hole their in.)
(Epilogue #4: Babylon 5.)

Sheridan: Okay, lets make sure that we never bump into anyone from another dimension, time line or reality again. We kill them instead. Less bother that way.
Ivonava: Suits me. Eh Zack?
Zack: Sure. (pause) Wha? (Zack is surrounded by blue electricity and vanishes)
Ivonava: (doesn't notice) I said it suits me that we kill anyone from another reality that visits us.
Sam: (in Zack's place) Ohhh boy. Not again.
G’Kar: Say, did we ever use my Narn Attack Task Force?
All: No.
G’Kar: Oh well.
Sheridna: I know I ordered them in, Susan?
Ivonava: Erm, I must have misheard you sir. Or ignored you.

(at which point, the season five cast of Sliders slide into the room.)

Mallory: Wahey. We made it into a mega crossover.
Diane: I wonder what will happen in this story?
Mallory: Say, you look familiar.
Londo: Vhat makes you say dat?
Sheridan: Okay, you know my standing orders.

(A very graphic end is made for the season five Sliders, the details of which, I'll leave up to your imagination. Although if Mallory survives this, he'll be in a wheelchair again.)

(Epilogue #5: Enterprise E, Picard walks onto the bridge)

Picard: I need to get away from that woman. She's worn me out. (he sits down) So, did I miss anything?
Riker: Well, actually, Data prepared a little show for you.
Picard: Oh, good oh.
Data: Just sit right down, and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a dreadful script.
Picard: Batman and Robin?

(everyone whinces in pain, especially Troi, whose feeling everyone elses pain.)

(Epliogue #6, Deep Space Nine. Sisko is pacing the promenade, people are avoiding him, parting a way for him out of sheer terror. One person looks him in the eyes, and dies. Sisko looks suprised at this, Bashir waves his tricorder over the person.)

Bashir: Heart attack.
Sisko: How come I'm Always Made out to Be a person Everyone is afraid of?
Ezri: Cos you scare the shit out of everyone, even when your overacting.
O'Brian: And you look the part of a bad ass.
Wof: And you intimidated Captain Picard.
Bashir: Decafe coffee intimidates Picard.

(Worf and O'Brian hit Bashir, hard.)

Bashir: MY NOSE!
Kira: Besides, no one wants to cross the Emissary of the Prophets. Nobody messes with the Sisko.
Odo: (sarcastic) Nobody messes with a god.
Ezri: Unless his name is Kirk and he can talk said god to death.
Sisko: (pause) I don't want to be a God. I just Want to be a Man.
Ezri: That's okay, Kirk would just beat you up.
Sisko: Damnit, what does it Take to Get the Last word in here?

(Sisko walks off.)

Kira: What are we going to do about them anyhow?
Odo: Who?
Quark: The great big red mining ship that timewapred over here by mistake?
Kira: Yeah the- (looks out of window) It's gone. But it didn't have warp power. How could it get away so quick? (pause) Quark?
Quark: Yes?
Kria: What did you do?
Quark: Well I sold them a warp drive. At quite a substantial discount.
Odo: Is that why the warp drives on the three runabouts aren't working anymore? Did you sell those ships warp drives?
Quark: Well yes. And… the Defiant's.
Worf: WHAT?!
Quark: Red Dwarf is a big ship. It took a lot of technology to get it warp capable. I just hope my idiot brother Rom installed it right.
Garak: (passing by) Not that it matters. Several former enemies of the Cardassian people were booking passage on that ship.
Kira: (hanging head) Great, we know what THAT means.

(Epilogue #8 Red Dwarf, the drive room.)

Hollister: Remind me again why we put Lister and the Cat in the two stasis tubes?
Kochanski: Remind me why I've got my job back?
Rimmer: Remind me why I was asked to fix the drive plates, considering what happened the last time?
Kochanski: Why have so many red lights flashed on all of a sudden?
Rimmer: Because Peterson just spilt another two packs of wicked strength larger over it?
Peterson: Whoops.

(History repeats itself. A nuclear explosion that leaves the ship structurally undamaged, kills the crew, save Lister and Cat, safely sealed in the Stasis tubes while the rest of the crew is vaporised in a nuclear wind. Except Kryten, whose in the cargo hold cleaning it with three female crewmen. And Holly, who being the ships computer is quite safe anyhow, but is only going to go senile again after another three million years alone in space. And knowing Kryten, he's not going to notice when the women are dead. In fact it might be safe to say they'll be nuts when Lister and the Cat are out of Stasis.)

Rimmer: (dying) Gespacou soup.

(Epilogue #9: The sliding tunnel, the gang arrives in an office, with certain Ferangis there.)

Ferangi #1: Gentlemen, the Sci Fi channel would like to renegotiate your contracts.
Colin: HIC! More booze please.

(Epilogue #10: Autobot city Earth, 2010. The Autobots all arrive safely in Perceptor's lab, Magnus looks at the timer.)

Magnus: We’re back.

(Cut to Rodimus Primes quarters, for some reason the sonic shower is going.)

Rodimus: That's funny, who could possibly be using my shower? (pause) Arcee? You kinky devil.

(Rodimus pulls open the shower compartment door to reveal - )

Optimus Prime: What the? Hot Rod? What are you doing in my quarters?
Rodimus: Optimus? You came back from the dead? Again? (pause) I knew setting Metroplex down in Dallas was a bad idea.

(Rimshot)

(Epilogue #11: Space, Scorponok goes hurtling through it at a rate of knots. Galvatron is sitting on his throne, gibbering to himself, head flapping wildly.)

Scourge: Here we go again.
Triggerhappy: How does he do that neck thing?
Scourge: Which one, the flapping back and forth or the 360 degree rotation complete with projectile pea vomit?
Zarak: I'm having serious second thoughts about this whole alliance with you lot.
Cyclonous: Oh go shack up with the Borg Queen again.
Zarak: I already have, why do you think this battle station of mine is changing?
Scourge: He's right, by Primus, this station is morphing into a Borg cube.
Cyclonus: And according to this, we're back in the Trek universe, only sometime in the 22nd century and where the Borg should be.
Scourge: So where are the Borg?
Cyclonus: At a guess, I'd say we ARE the borg.

(dramatic music plays)

Scourge: How'd you get that?
Cyclonus: Well, I mean look at Zarak, either he's caught some terrible disease or he's mutating or he's being assimilated into the Borg. And since the Borg aren't here, and they left a load of nanoprobes onboard, I guess they knew we were essential to their creation. (pause) which means that bitch the Borg Queen was only playing along with us to ensure her own creation.
Zarak: That's it, I'm staying celebrate from now on.
Cyclonus: I don’t think you’ll have much choice in future.
Scourge: Come on, maybe we can provoke the boss into destroying this station single handed. It wouldn't be the first time he's done it.

(The end? You bet your arse.)

Starscream: Really?
David: Oh go away.

Fin.

(MST3K Music plays...)