Star Trek vs Star Wars.

Star Trek vs Star Wars.

The 2021 foreword, so this is one of the earliest, not so crossy crossovers I 
wrote way back in 1997. Much to my own surprise when I looked back over this while
transferring it to the blog (much later than I had intended) I'd found I'd already
done a foreword kinda thing for it already, so I did think, maybe I don't need to
do a foreword for this one? But obviously I decided, what the hell, lets do it.
I have actually gone and made some minor edits to remove contact details that are
no longer valid, but as of this moment, I've not corrected any spelling errors.
But I do find it odd that there were any left, after all, I'm pretty sure the 
word processer I was using back then DID pick up on them and helped me sort them
out back then, but here I am, looking at typos. Oh well. I suppose it's part of
the nostalgic fun of this. Maybe the spell check gave up and just "added" my errors
to it's list of words?
On another note I made a number of continuity errors regarding this parodies setting,
you might be able to tell which were which, and I did consider correcting them, but
that would mean reworking the story in ways I just don't want to change it.
---

Originally published on the Slightly Warped Website 1997, written by David Hopper. 

(Authors forenote. This story takes place around the time of the
evacuation of the ice world Hoth during the Imperial invasion. Star 
trek characters are the property of Paramount, star wars characters 
are the property of Fox. I forgot who Bill and Tedd are the property 
of, but I am the property of myself.)

On With The Show!

Kirk: Captains log. After... visiting another half.... dozen... worlds,
	where people... repressed themselves.... to the rule of a....
 	super...... computer, I have..... bedded three dozen of their....
 	minor female.... political leaders, started various rebellions,
 	and in the more desperate cases, done my party trick
 	and........ talked the said computer to death. We are now on
 	our way to..... rendezvous.. with the... USS... Constipated.....
	which has reported seeing something.... strange.

Spock: Sensors indicate we are entering the system the Constipated
 	is supposed to be at.
Kirk: Anything...Unusual?
Spock: NO. Nothing out of the ordinary. Except of course that the
	Constipated is not there and there are no signs of debris.
Kirk: Nothing unusual there. Oh well might as well inform....
 	Starfleet that they might as well chalk off another starship.
 	Put it down to experience.
Sulu: Captain. There's an anomaly off the port bow.
Kirk: Hum. Seems like a usual day.
Checkov: Ve are being pulled in it Keptain.
Kirk: So far so good. Just a typical day... again.

(McCoy enters the bridge)

McCoy: What in tarnation are you up to Jim? Don't you know we
 	have hardly any blah blah blah. We can't take the risk blah
 	blah blah. Your going to kill us all blah blah blah. Might
 	have to declare you insane blah blah blah.
Spock: The doctor does have a logical point captain.
McCoy: (taken aback, stumbles to the floor.) What, your agreeing
 	with me?
Spock: Yes. This is a dangerous situation and we have no knowledge
 	of where this anomaly will take us.
Kirk: But I haven't even given any orders yet.
Sulu: Captain, we are in the anomaly.
Spock: Too late.

(the ship starts shaking, people fall about in different directions, the
navigational console practically falls apart as Sulu and Checkoff wrestle
to stay on it. lights flash, Scotty keeps calling on the intercom. Women
scream, a tribble gives birth just for the hell of it, then disappears down 
a hole in a wall. Eventually everything returns to normal.)

Kirk: (wearing Uhuras uniform) REPORT!
Spock: No damage, although the navigational console prop nearly
 	fell over again. Minor annoyance on all decks. And your in
 	Lt Uhuras uniform.
Kirk: Wha? (takes it off.) Here Lt. Now where's my uniform?
Checkov: Look at the size of that thing.
Kirk: What? (looks down. His pants ARE still on) What are you
 	babbling on about. I have my pants o- GOOD LORD!

(on the viewscreen we see a fleet of Imperial star destroyers around the 
Ice world of Hoth.)

Kirk: (looks at star destroyer) Yikes.

(run credits. "Space, the final frontier. And all that jazz.")

Episode title. The Enterprise Strikes Back.

By David Hopper and George Lucas.

(cut to the imperial star destroyer. Admiral Piett and General Veers are 
standing over the dead body of admiral Ozzel. Recently force choked to 
death.)

Piett: someone get Ozzels body out of here.
Veers: aye sir.
Piett: Report.
Officer #1: The Rebels shield is up and our sensors can't penitrate it.
Officer #2: Temporal anomoly forming.
Veers: Wrong show, morron.
Piett: (ignores Veers) On screen. What kind of ship is that?

(Cut to Enterprise. Kirk is now wearing the green wrap around)

Checkov: (whispering to Sulu) The Keptain has his veight pwoblem
 	again.
Sulu: (looks at Kirk over his shoulders) Yeah, but he won't admit
 	that's the reason he's wearing it. He says it looks cool on him.

(they both burst out laughing.)

Kirk: What's so funny?
Checkov: Nothing Keptain.
Sulu: Nothing sir.
Kirk: Humpf. Spock. Report... what do those sensors of yours
 	detect?
Spock: The closest ship is nearly an eighth the size of spacedock.
 	Armed with laser cannons and has a similar deflector system
 	to our own.
Kirk: Laser cannons? Hah. They can't hurt us. They can't penetrate
 	our navigational screens.
Uhura: Captain, we are being hailed.
Kirk: On screen.
Uhura: Audio only sir.
Kirk: On screen MISTER.
Spock: Jim, sensors also indicate that we are in a different galaxy.
 	I'm only telling you because I know you can keep your head 
        in a situation like this. It also seems it was some kind of time 
	warp. TO put it mildly, we are in a Galaxy far, far away and a
 	long time ago.
Kirk: A DIFFERENT BLOODY GALAXY?

(Uhura works her magic and Piett and Captain Needa appear on screen 
arguing.)

Needa: Lord Vader put me in charge.
Piett: I'm the ranking officer here.
Kirk: Gentlemen. Identify.... yourselves. Are you responsible for
	bringing me and my.... ship... here?
Needa: Who are you?
Kirk: James R- er James T Kirk of the starship Enterprise.
Piett: I'M in charge here Admiral.
Needa: (sarcastically) Yes, Captain. Whatever you say captain. (to
 	Kirk) waitasec. Kirk? There's only one man who's dramatic
 	pauses are so 	obnoxiously long.
Kirk: Yes. This is Kirk here.
Piett: Are you famous or something?
Kirk: Yeah, I'm in the Guinness book of records. I've got lots of kids.
Needa: How many are legimate?
Kirk: WHAT?
Needa: Even here we have heard of you Kirk. Stay out of our way.
 	Or we will destroy you.
Piett: (sulks and sucks his thumb) It not fair. I'm in charge. (view
	screen goes off)
Spock: Captain, sensors show that there is an entire fleet of ships like
	this one. All armed with laser cannons. Aimed at us.
Kirk: A whole fleet of ships like the Enterprise?
Spock: No. Like the star destroyer.
Kirk: Well, phrase your sentences better. OK people. Conference
 	room now. I want a full report.

(conference room. All of the main cast are there playing twister, except 
Checkov who is spinning the spinney thing for them.)

Spock: (from somewhere near the bottom) Captain, I fail to see
 	where this is getting us.
McCoy: (has his left arm in-between Uhura legs, and his head
 	underneath Sulu chest.) It's fun, you green bloodied....
 	Vulcan.
Spock: (raises an eyebrow)
Kirk: Ok ensign. Spin.
Checkov: (spins the spinny thing.) Place your left hand on a wed
 	circle, Keptain.
Kirk: (tries to do this, and everybody falls down.)
Spock: (muffled) I believe we should do some constructive work 	now.
Kirk: (uniform already ripped and his face dirty.) Then lets have
	your report.
McCoy: Jim. That was a new shirt.
Spock: (annoyed) Do you mind? Sensors now show that the fleet is
	attacking this ice plannet. We've monitored their reports and
 	these indicate that they belive there is a rebel base operating
 	down there.
Kirk: Rebels? You mean these people are fascists?
Sulu: Uh oh.
Kirk: Then we must help them.
McCoy: The fascist or the rebels?
Kirk: (ignores McCoy) We must help them escape. Then we must try
 	to destroy the empire and free the universe from their
 	clutches. Because... Gentlemen... Freedom... Is...Eveybody's!
 	Right!It's!NOT!A!PRIVALAGE!IT!IS!THEIR!RIGHT!THE
	!RIGHT!OF!EVERY!MAN!WOMEN!AND!CHILD!GIVEN!BY!GOD!
Spock: Captain, would you mind coming down off the table? Mr
 	Scott has some bad news.
Scotty: The engines canna take it.
Kirk: Aw.
Checkov: Beside. Duwing one of youw "dwamatic" pauses, the fleet
	attacked and the webels bawely escaped with theiw lives.
Kirk: Sulu.... Whats their top speed?
Sulu: Something similar to warp 5.
Kirk: Hah. Lay in an intercept course. Warp 7. Shields up weapons
 	armed.
McCoy: Now wait a minute. (everybody pauses midway of getting
 	up) We didn't even have a fake vote. shouldn't we be trying to
 	get home?
Kirk: Oh alright. Who's for it.
Scotty: For what?
Kirk: For attacking the Empire.

(Checkov raises his hand)

Kirk: And against?

(everybody puts their hands up. Checkovs hand stays up.)

Kirk: You can't vote twice.
Checkov: I'm not woting, si.
Kirk: Then what?
Checkov: I need to go vee vee.
Kirk: Then go. Well, it's agreed. (everyone looks confused) I'm the
	Captain, I'M in charge. I say we attack them with out mercy.

(the crew groan and leave the conference room.)

(commercial brake)

Next week on StarTrek Voyager.

Janeway: What kind of planet is that?
Tuvok: It is a flat planet.
Chakotay: Impossible.

A world that brakes every law of science.

Tuvok: Sensors indicate- Impossible. The sensors must be broken.
Janeway: What is it?

A world that stretches reality so thin, you can almost see it.

Tuvok: The planet is flat and disc shaped, and is supported on the
	backs of four enormous elephants about the size of a Galaxy
 	class starship. And they are on the back of a ginormous turtle
 	the size of space dock.
Kim: Cool.
All: Shut up.

The Discworld.

(The crew beams into the Library of Unseen University)

Janeway: Well, this seems normal enough.
Paris: Yeah? Why does the room feel like it goes on for ever?
Kim: (points at the Librarian) What's a monkey doing here?
Librarian: OOK! (picks Kim up by the ankles and starts to bash him around
	face first on the hard stone surface. Various members of UU
 	faculty appear.) OOOK!
Ridcully; He's not a mo- one of them. He's an orangutan.
Tuvok: What's the difference?
Riduclly: (watching Harry being body slammed into a bookcase.)
	Generally, it's whether you want to keep your teeth in your
 	mouth or your hat.
Bursar: Please, ale of pint a.
Torres: Huh?
Dean: He's going through yesterday again. Backwards.

(a couple of Ensigns die in an explosion. The grim reaper appears.)

Death: YOU'RE NOT ON MY LISTS.
Ensign: Does this mean we get to live?
Death: CERTAINLY NOT.
Ridcully: How was I to now it would turn your helmsman into a
 	frog?
Janeway: We had signs on that shuttle saying "DO NOT USE".
 	thanks to you, Paris has evolved into a salamander again.
Ridcully: I'm a Wizard. We fiddle with things.
Tuvok: Isn't it logical to understand something first?
Ridcully: No. We're Wizards. Fiddle first, understand latter.

(cut to scene where Harry and the Bursar are pulling faces at each
other.)

Janeway: HARRY! Cut that out.
Kim: (points at Bursar) He started it.
Bursar: (points at Kim) He started it.
Kim: HEY!
Bursar: HEY!

(end commercial brake)

(The Enterprise is traveling through space at Warp 7. A couple of Tie
fighters come streaking towards them.)

Spock: Minimal shielding. Laser guns. Captain these are not a viable
	threat to us.
Kirk: Mr Checkov. Lock weapons and fire.
Checkov: Aye aye Keptain.
Spock: Jim, it would be murder. They can't even hurt us.
Kirk: They the ones attacking us, I'm just taking appropriate action.
McCoy: By blasting them out of the sky?

(phaser death comes spitting out of the Enterprise and destroys all the Tie 
fighters.)

Spock: That got their attention. Jim. One of the large triangles is
	dropping out of warp and waiting for us.
Kirk: Fire when ready.
Spock: Their shields are as good as ours sir.
Kirk: Never stopped us before. Fire.
McCoy: Jim, starfleet will have your command for this.

(the phasers fire continually at the star destroyer and bounce off the
shields. The star destroyer fires back. on the enterprise everybody goes 
flying.)

McCoy: Sure Spock their lasers can't hurt us. Shesh.
Kirk: Photons.
Spock: Doctor, I merely stated that their laser cannot penetrate our
	shields. I did not say they could not toss us about like
 	exploding pop corn. Their laser beams are after all an eight
 	the size of our bridge in radius.

(the photons brake through the shields and destroy one of those golf
balls things.)

Spock: Their shields are down captain.
Kirk: FIRE!
Checkov: Aye aye you obnoxous bastawd.

(the phasers fire, the star destroy take heavy damage. it fires back
then it blows up.)

Kirk: What a bunch of wusses.
Spock: Bad news Captain.
Kirk: what is it Spock? Did the rebels get killed?
Spock: No.
McCoy: Has Sliders been cancelled again?
Spock: No.
Scotty: did mah hagis get burnt?

(all eyes fall on Scotty)

Spock: No.
Checkov: Did Lavine marry Shirley?
Spock: NO!
Uhura: Are there naughty photos of me on the Internet?
Spock: Yes, but thats not bad news.
Uhura: (looks stunned)
Kirk: Man, I gotta see those photos.
Spock: The bad news is that the ENTIRE fleet has turned around and
 	is heading our way.
Kirk: (working at console) Anything else?
Spock: The largest ship is the size of Spacedock.
Kirk: Yikes!
Spock: Frightening isn't it?
Kirk: (looking at screen on command chair) What?
Spock: The fact that they have a ship the size of space dock. I doubt
 	we stand a chance against them.
Kirk: Oh, er, yes. I was distract acted by these photos of Uhura I've
	just downloaded. Man oh man.
Checkov: Vov!
Sulu: Hubba hubba.
McCoy: Well I be-
Scotty: Ah ye absent minded perverts. Why cannae ye keep ye minds
 	on something usefull? Like ah do?
Kirk: Most likely that would mean reading a technicle journal?
Scotty: Aye.
Kirk: Why does most engineers seem to be celebrate?
Scotty: HEY!

(suddenly a red phone box lands in the middle of the bridge, apparently 
from nowhere. Two youths step out.)

Bill: Wooaaaah.
Tedd: Most excerlent.
Kirk: Who are you?
Bill: I am Bill- (the ship starts to lurch as it is attacked by the star
	destroyers) Wooooah!
Tedd: And I am Tedd Theordore Logan. Together...... we are know
 	as.....
Checkov: (to Sulu) They are neawly as good as the Kaptain at the
	dwamatic pauses.
Bill & Tedd: WILD STALLONS!!!! (the ship lurches as it comes
 	under a heavier asssault) WOOOAAAAH!!
Kirk: Uh? Oh damn! Shields. Weapons. Attack.
Bill: Tedd, is this, or is this not?
Ted: Star wars?
Bill & Tedd: Excerlent. (they kick Sulu and Checkov out of their
 	seats and sit down at the helm. lounging on it they rest their
 	feet on the console while eating popcorn. They wind up
 	firing all the weapons and send the ship off on a collision
 	course with the super star destroyer.)
Tedd: Great special effects dude.
Kirk: Security to the ....bridge. Spock, do something.
Spock: (calmly gets up to his feet while everyone else keeps falling
 	over and nerve pinches Bill & Tedd.)
Kirk: Excerlent. (does air guitar at Spock who raises an eyebrow.)
 	Mr Sulu, Mr Checkov. Please take your ...postions. Someone
 	get that ...phone box out of the way.

(cut to bridge of super star destroyer. Darth Vader and his cronnies are 
there as well as the bounty hunters.)

Boba Fett: Uh guys.
Vader: (to a bounty hunter) I want you tell me why I should turn
 	Captain Solo over to you when I capture him.
Bounty hunter #1: Ugher gurklg bag nak.
Vader: Wha?
Bounty hunter #2: He said, "your mother used to fuck pigs for a
 	living."
Vader: WHAT? Feel the power of the force. (raises hand. nothing happens)
Boba Feet: Guys?
Vader: Why isn't this working? Oh wrong hand. (raise right hand and
	chokes the shit out of the two bounty hunters.)
Boba Fett: GUYS!!!
Piett: What?
Boba Fett: (points at a window.) That!
Piett: Wha? (sees he enterprise on her collision course.) Argh!
Needa: Avoiding action.
Piett: I'm in charge here.
Vader: somebody do something.

(the Enterprise brakes off it's suicide run.)

Vader: Phew.
Piett: lock weapons and fire.
Weapons master: Our weapons cannot pentrate their shields.
Scanners: The Millennium Falcon has disappeared into an asteroid
 	field.
Vader: Who was in charge of that operation?
Piett: (gulps) which operation?
Vader: The operation to capture the Falcon.
Needa: (points at Piett) Piett.
Vader: I'll deal with you later. Launch four Tie fighters after it.
	Weapons master. I want a way to penetrate their shields.
Weapons master: That's impossible sir.
Vader: Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate you?
Weapons master: (gulps)

(back to Enterprise bridge. The phone box is being carried out by some red 
shirts. Bill & Tedd are being arrested by some other Red shirts.)

Tedd: Bill my most esteemed college. This is the most heinous
 	situation I have ever been in.
Bill: (looks like he's going to say something but doesn't when Kirk
	stares at him.)
Kirk: You two are going to spend a lot of time in our brig. Don't you
	know it's illegal to board a federation starship in the manner
 	you did?
Bill: In a time mac- uh phone box?
Kirk: (doesn't catch what they said.) Yeah. Directive 1134b,
 	subsection 12 paragraph 7. Any lunatics that appear on the
 	bridge of a Federation starship must be detained if
	they endanger the ship and her crew.
Tedd: We did not endanger either. We just wanted to watch star wars
 	on your movie screen.
Kirk: You set us on a collision course with that, that triangle.
Bill: Star destroyer.
Kirk: Oh, yeah.
Tedd: By the way dude. Your hair is moving.
Kirk: What? (removes the Tribble.) Goddamnit. Lt Uhura, I thought
 	I told you to control your pets. (the mother rolls out from a
 	hole.) And have them neutered.

(the ship starts to lurch and everyone falls over.)

Spock: We are under attack.
McCoy: Ya don't say.

(a few consoles blow up, killing several red shirts. Bill & Tedd take
this opportunity to escape in their phone box.)

Bill: Tedd my friend, I find myself in a most heinous situation. I do
	not have a quarter, do you?
Tedd: Reverse the charges to Rufus.
Bill & Tedd: (phone box goes on it's most excerlant journey) 
	WILD STALLONS RULE!!!! 	WOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHHH?!?!?!?

Spock: Captain they have found a way to penetrate our shields.
Kirk: Return fire. Target their bridge.

(cut to super star destroyer)

Vader: How did you do it?
Weapons master: I simply scanned their shields with an anti proton
 	scan, until I found what harmonic frequency they operated
 	on, and then adjusted the harmonic levels on the lasers to that
 	frequency so that they could penetrate.
Vader: Clever. (walks away)
Piett: what did he say?
Vader: To be honest, all that technobabble went over my head. Move
 	the fleet into the asteroid field. I want the Falcon.
Piett: But we'll be destroyed by the asteroids.
Vader: It could be worse. I could destroy you. (to crew) all weapons
 	to fire at the saucer shaped cigar shaped ship. Helm, take us
 	into the asteroid field. we are going after the Falcon. Launch,
 	hmm lemme see. Launch four Tie fighters after the Falcon.

(cut to bridge of Enterprise.)

Spock: Hah!

(everyone looks at him.)

Spock: Erm, I have solved the problem.
Scotty: So have ah, cap'nan. They adjsut'd ta lasers to our shields
	frequency. All we have ta de is change it.
Kirk: You a genius. 
Scotty: (starts to celebrate and chuckle to himself. Stops doing his
	work and pisses kirk off.)
Kirk: Scotty? What are you waiting for? Promotion? Do it.
Scotty: (grumbles and gets back to work.)
Spock: Another ship went into the asteroid belt that they are now
	entering. It was a rebel ship.
Kirk: Why are they running from us? Concentrate all fire on that
 	super star destroyer. No one runs from James T Kirk.

(cut to star destroyer.)

Officer: Lord Vader, we er lost contact with the four Tie fighters we
	sent after the Falcon.
Vader: Oh, BLOODY TYPICAL! Very well be gone, I will not hurt
 	you.
Officer: Yes sir, thank you sir.
Vader: Oh, what the hey? (force chokes the officer.)

(cut to Skywalker Ranch. Myself and George Lucas are sitting at a
computer)

David: What do ya mean you want to digitally remaster it?
George: The special effects just aren't cutting it.
David: Jesus Christ man. We only writing it as a parody, not a
 	movie.
George: Shouldn't the readers get the same quality of special effects
 	as the movie goers?
David: This is only going to be written, you idiot. It's not going to be
	made into a multi million movie.
George: It's not?
David: No.
George: Damn it. I knew there was something wrong with this.

(Vader walks in)

Vader: Do not underestimate the power of the dark side of the force.
David & George: Huh?
Vader: Aren't I on yet?
George: No not yet.
Vader: Damn.

(cut back to the battle. The Enterprise is out side the asteroid field
shooting at the star destroyers that are in the field. suddenly the Falcon 
comes shooting out of a large asteroid closely followed by what seems to be 
large, mutated hand puppet. It comes shooting towards one of the star 
destroyers and - disappears from the scanners and sight.)

Piett: Gulp.
Vader: You have failed me.
Piett: I'm sorry sir, really really sorry- (starts to choke) ugh urrrrr
	ugh uck eck uk. eeeerrrrgh. (falls down dead.)
Vader: (lowers hand) Apologies accepted.

(on the Enterprise everyone is grim)

Kirk: What.... are... they.... up to? What.... are... they... up to?
Spock: This is most illogical.
McCoy: Screw logic. I've had it up to hear with logic blah blah blah.
	Jim what about getting home blah blah blah. I'm scarred
	shitless blah blah blah.
Checkov: Kozach's. They killed my bwothew, ow vas it my sistew?
Sulu: How come I never get any memorable and funny one liners?
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a shrink.
Uhura: Hailing frequencies open.
Scotty: Ah can'a change the laws a physics.
McCoy: Jim, if the ship they wanted is gone, can we go home? We
 	are no match for an entire fleet like that. Even if they are only
 	armed with lasers.
Kirk: Jim Kirk run from a fight? Never. People will laugh if they
 	hear that I ran from a fight. We are staying.
Spock: It's life Jim.

(just then an orange jumpgate opens up and pulls the enterprise into
it.)

Kirk: NOOOOOOO!!!!

(shot of space. The camera slowly moves over to where Babylon 5 is
rotating. It is unusually quiet of traffic . Cut to C&C.;)

Sheridan: What the hell is that?
Ivonava: God knows. OPEN DEFENSE GRID! FIRE AT WILL!
Sheridan: Susan! What have I told you about attacking people that
 	we don't know anything about?
Ivonava: They could be allies of the shadows.
Sheridan: (sighs)
Zack: Never seen anything like that.

(Marcus and the doctor, whatshissname walk in.)

Marcus: Are we going to get any lines in this episode or not?
Sheridan: No. Piss off.

(As Marcus and thingy -Franklin, that's is- leave, Delenn walks in.
Sheridan looks at her lustily. At that moment we hear Kirk's transmission.)

Kirk: Identify yourselves. Who are you? What are you? Where are
 	we? And do you have any women on board?
Sheridan: Oh my god. That's James T Kirk. FIRE AT WILL!!!!!!!
Ivonava: Hypocrite.

(as the various types of weapons on Babylon 5's defensive systems kick in, 
another jumpgate opens and the result - the Enterprise is sent back to the 
last universe.)

McCoy: Thank god for that.
Uhura: Incoming transmission, sir.
Kirk: What now?
Luke: Hello? Who are you?
Kirk: Who are you?
Luke: I'm Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight.
Kirk: I'm James T Kirk. Womaniser.
Luke: Cool. Can you give me some tips?
Kirk: Yeah. You have five minutes to get out of my sight, you
 	nauseating adolescent. Lock weapons and fire.
Luke: Sheesh, who got out of the wrong side of bed this morning?
Kirk: Not me. I got out of someone else's bed. Move it mister.
Luke: Just wait until I've meet Yoda. Then you'll be sorry.
Kirk: Mr Checkov, fire.
Checkov: Waye waye.
Luke: Eeeek. (flys off)

(cut to exterior of space. The USS Constipated comes into view.)

Uhura: We are being hailed.
Kirk: On screen.

(a worried looking crew man appears on the screen.)

Crew man: Enterprise help us.
Kirk: Calm down man. Whats up?
Crew man: We've been infected with a horrible disease. I, I think I'm
	the only one left.
Kirk: Talk.... sense man. Whats happened?
Crew man: We were sucked into an anomoly and got sent to a
 	horrible alternative version of Earth.
Kirk: Go on.
Spock: (looks up from his scanner.) Jim!! I'm getting strange
 	readings from the Constipated. There's only one human life
 	sign left.
Crew man: It's horrible. First he got the captain. Then we escaped.
 	And when we got back to the ship the captain had changed.
 	And he started to change everyone else. If I hear that bloody
 	song again I'll scream.

(suddenly a happy song can be heard. It's obviously meant to be sang to 
children.)

Crew man: NOOOOOOOO!! (brakes down in tears.)
Spock: The rest have now mutated into-
Kirk: My.... God!!!
McCoy: That's horrible.
Scotty: Bett'a ta kill them now.
Crew man: Do something. PLEASE!!!!!

(behind the panic stricken crew man can be seen a horde of purple
dinosaurs.)

Barney #1: You love me, I love you.
Kirk: Lock all weapons and.... fire. 
Checov: Veapons locked and fiwed. Diwect hit, Keptain. 	Constipated is 
	destwoyed.
Kirk: That was truly inhuman. Who did think up that..... creature
	anyhow?
Spock: The records have been lost due to the wars on Earth that were
	caused as a result of that creature's creation and kids tv
 	programme.
Scotty: Cap'nan. Mr Kyle just report'd havin'a transp'rter bee'm
	activate.
Kirk: From where?
Scotty: The Constipated. Five seconds before impact.

(suddenly a happy voice can be heard throughout the intercom.)

Barney #2: Hey kids. That was a real nasty trick you played on me
 	there. But don't worry. Every thing will be fine after a little
 	song. (starts to sing again.)
Sulu: (to Checkov) I finaly get my first line in ages and it's to tell
	him (jerks his thumb at Kirk) that a few red shirts have died.
Kirk: What?
Sulu: some red shirts died.
Kirk: Damn. I can't deal with that... now. I'll have to moan about it
	.....later.
Spock: Sensors indicate half the crew have been lobotomised by the
	creature Jim.
McCoy: HEY! That's my job. that bloody dino is messing with my turf. 
	He's gonna die real painful. (pulls out a magnum.)
Kirk: What are you doing with.......... that?
McCoy: I used it to silence a dog in a western. I'm going to use it to
	silence a dinosaur. I'll teach it the meaning of the word
 	extinction. (McCoy leaves. As the doors close we hear him
 	say armoury.)
Checkov: Keptain. The fleet is appwoaching us.
Kirk: Uh oh.
Spock: Captain: I have an idea.

(cut to bridge of one of the star destroyers.)

Captain: Fire at will when Lord Vaders ship gives the signal.
Officer: Sir. The UFO has activated some kind of beam which is
	penetrating our hull.
Captain: What? where?
Officer: On our bridge.

(Barney appears in the transporter beam.)

Barney #2: Hi kids.

All: AAAARRRRRGHH!!!!!!

(Cut to Enterprise.)

Checkov: One enemy wessel is now affected by the Dinosauw.
Kirk: Excerllent. With any luck the other ships will concentrate on
        destroying it.
Spock: I have a way of getting us back home.
Kirk: Okay, lets hear it.
Spock: We implode the warp engines as we go into warp around a
 	star. This will create an artificial wormhole that will get us
 	back home and leave the ship in spacedock for a month for
 	repairs to the super structure.
Sulu: But Captain, I put in for some shore leave, and you said that
 	Hoth was a nice planet, so I thought we'd go there.
 	Everything's arranged. Wet T-shirt competition, toga
	party, pin the tail on the weather girl.
Kirk: I said it was an ICE planet.
Sulu: (after a minute) Shit!
Kirk: Never mind. the crew won't mind.
Sulu: Realllllly?
Kirk: Half of them will die when we try Spocks idea. Mr Checkov:
 	Engage.
Checkov: Waye sir.
Kirk: Because I told you to.
Checkov: I said Waye sir.
Kirk: Do you want to go on report?
Checkov: As in Waye Waye, sir.
Kirk: Oh. Well engage.
Spock: The wedding will be Tuesday.

(everyone looks at Spock. McCoy comes back on.)

McCoy: Bah, it must have heard I was after it.
Kirk: What?
McCoy: The dinosaur left the ship. Must have heard I was on it's
 	case. Don't blame it though. Anyone with any sense runs
 	from a pissed off Doctor.
Holodoc: Not in my case. They just turn me off.
Spock: Wrong series.
Holodoc: Opps.
Kirk: Computer, deactivate.... EMH.
Holodoc: Now wait ju- (Vanishes)
McCoy: To coin a phrase, fascinating. (also vanishes)
Kirk: What th-. Spock.... what...... happened?
Spock: Hmm. It appears that it was a cheap gag by the writer of this
	parody.
Kirk: I want Bones back.
Checkov: Appwoching sun, Keptain. We hawe achiewed Wawp
 	fouwteen.
Kirk: But Bones?
Spock: The good doctor will have to wait until later.

(the engines explode and everyone is sent hurtling in all directions.
The lights flash consoles blow up. Red shirts die. The sound of a car 
revving up to go into reverse is heard. Everyone loses conciseness.)

Kirk: (wakes up first.) Re...por..t?
McCoy: That was the lamest idea on how to get us home yet.
Khan: With my last breath, I spit at thee.
Kirk: This is the series, not the movie.
Khan: Drat. Well, my men have you all surrounded.
Kirk: Before Space seed.
Khan: Drat.
Checkov: But, I vasn't in Space seed.

(Khan, his men and Checkov disappear.)

Spock: Fascinating. It's as if though they never existed.
Sulu: Who never existed?
Spock: Checkov.
Sulu: Who?
Spock: (pause) I have no idea.
Kirk: Well.... does anyone know what todays.... morale is?
Spock: Nope.
Scotty: No.
Sulu: No.
Uhura: No, but what I do know is I never get any interesting lines.
McCoy: What's a morale?
Kirk: Oh well. Should we just finish this here, or drag it on?
Everyone: No.
Kirk: Well, Mr Sulu. Set course for the nearest spacedock. Warp
 	seven.
Sulu: Warp engines down, sir.
Kirk: Mr Scott. You have five minutes to fix the engines.

Scotty: Already done sir.
Kirk: Then, good. Wait.

(everyone looks at him.)

Kirk: I didn't get.... laid today.

(everyone looks at each other, then leave the bridge.)

Kirk: Hey. Unlock the.... turbo lift... door. THIS... isn't.... funny.
Spock: (opens the door.) No, but this is. (kicks Kirk in-between the
	legs. Kirk goes flying out of the dome at the top of the
	bridge, enters a time warp and appears in the Millennium
 	Falcon.) Bon voyage, Mon Capitan.

Q: Oi!

(The Millennium Falcon is now under attack. Solo is using some impressive 
manoeuvres to avoid the Tie fighters.)

Solo: Who the hell are you?
Kirk: I'm Kirk. Who... are you?
Solo: Hans Solo.
Kirk: (eyes Leia.) And who would... this.... Jewel be?
Leia: Princess Leia.
Kirk: (kisses her hand) Pleased to meet.... your... acquaintance. (they
	leave the bridge and go off towards the bedroom.)
Solo: Hey, I'm trying some desperate manoeuvres here. I could use all
 	the help I can get.
Kirk:(now in the bedroom.) My manoeuvres.. are never.. desperate.
Leia:(now in the bed.) Oh yes.
C3p0: Oh my.
Leia: Leave now....(C3P0turns to leave) Hurry up Golden Rod.
Kirk: How did.... you know.... my.. nick... name?

(The Falcon starts to shake up and down, up and down making squeaking noises 
as it does.)

Solo: Hey, that's my girl.

Leia: In your dreams.

The end?

David Hopper.